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BASSIS

Day 175 - Long time

Hi all,

I know I haven't updated at all for the last two months. I still care about all you guys but I've been trying not to brood on my acne problem since I've had virtually clear skin since my last update. I'd rather not think about my previous acne problems.

I started working a new/old job for the Democratic National Committee (DNC) as a field manager and a canvasser. I've been putting in about 60 hours a week there and haven't had much time to even think outside of work. It's probably better that I stay constantly busy because it seems that whenever I have time to think about my life I start to feel really overwhelmed with everything that's happened this year and is currently happening to my life.

Now, instead of being hopelessly depressed and doomed I just feel ultra-jaded all the time. I've gone through some big metamorphoses' in the last year and have turned out a completely different person from the acne problems I used to have. Even though it feels like things are moving up in my life I find it hard to get excited about anything anymore. I'm going to Kripalu next Sunday for my Yoga Teacher Training which is going to last a month and immediately afterwards UMASS will start up again.

I'm basically totally anti-social and borderline agoraphobic. I find it hard to identify with other people anymore. I guess living in a dormitory with other while I'm at Kripalu may jar me out of my self-indulgent little world.

BASSIS

Can't believe 4 months have gone by already. Time seems to go by so slow when you measure your life out in Sotret pills. My derm said we can continue the 80mg for month 5 which is great news. I like Sotret much more than Claravis just because when I was on Claravis nothing changed in my acne.

Overall month 4 has been pretty good for me. I can count the amount of acne spots I've had on one hand! However the 2 spots I had last week were pretty severe. Fortunately though they're healing and that monster cyst wound has been healing suprisingly fast! It'll probably be gone in just a few days time.

That's about all for today. Just figured I'd check-in for the sake of posterity at the 4 month mark.

BASSIS

Yeah well so, I accidentally scratched that fat cyst in the shower last night and slightly opened it up. When I got out of the shower and looked in the mirror It had a white foamy puss thing on top and it was just too ugly looking not to resist squeezing it and I did. All sorts of mutant puss and crap came out it was so disgusting. I had to continue squeezing out more and more throughout the night to finally get the pit out. Now it's left me a dime sized red scab on my left cheek to deal with for the next 2 weeks probably. I tried covering it up today with some concealer but it was just too red it showed right through. I'm starting a new job on monday and I'm just hoping the redness peels enough to the point I can put some concealer on it without any red showing through. Maybe that's wishful thinking but I've gotta hope for something.

Yeah so I realized the reason why I got the mutant cyst. I've been so angry since sunday about my friend blowing me off and never saying goodbye to me before she left school that I think all those negative emotions I've been bottling up just decided to explode out on my cheek. That's the only thing that makes sense to me because this cyst is literally the only serious acne I've had this month.

I've decided to let her out of my life so that I don't have to deal with her making me feel like crap anymore. I don't need this in my life.

BASSIS

Day 115 - Vlog

Looks like I got a neighbor to sprout up overnight to accompany that monster papule on my left cheek. It appears to be a fat, hard, volcanic, cystic thing on my left cheek which looks like holy hell right now. I'm depressed. I really don't want to go outside at all today and am trying to figure out how I can accomplish getting food without having to see or talk to anyone. My face looks so gross right now.

...............

In better news I finished up my sight-singing final today and got a pretty good grade on it as well as my dictation final. It looks like I'll be passing Aural Skills II which is a relief because I was so paranoid about the final because it's worth 50% of your grade. I'm all done with school for the year but I'm really not starting the summer off the right way with two cystic spots on my left cheek.

.............................................................

Anyways, I decided to start a youtube VLog to help cope and vent a lot of these weird emotions in my life. I'm really not the blogging or the Vlogging type. I feel uncomfortable in front of the camera and posting my videos on the internet for anyone to see is a little scary but I feel that I need to just talk about what's going on in my life to help me cope with my problems. If you'd like to watch my Vlog or my channel I'd appreciate any comments or feedback you could leave. Here's the link to my first "Vlog"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NuB_l_SQt7w

BASSIS

Day 113

That zit I talked about in last weeks post didn't end up developing into anything fortunately and disappeared completely in just a few days . Nothing's happened since then but I woke up today and had a red papule on my lower left cheek which looks harrowing. I've been globbing BP on it in hopes of killing it off overnight so we'll so what happens. I hope this isn't the really obnoxious kind of papule I've had in the past that lasts for 2 weeks or more before it starts to think about going away. I'm just hoping it doesn't balloon up anymore and starts to flatten out.

I'm glad to report I have seen some definate improvements this month on 80mg. Since I've started 80mg I'm averaging less than one spot a week which is a great improvement comparatively to last month. The spots I have gotten have also been very temporary, this one today is the only concerning one I've gotten and this month is 2/3 over now.

Things are looking hopeful on the acne front but in my personal life I've only grown more and more jaded since the last post. Pretty much everyone has turned out to be a big dissapointment to me and I've only started seeing the consumate selfishness they all have within the last week. As much as I try to go out of my way to do nice things for other people and show them that I care most of them can't even extend a fleeting concern back to me and often treat me as if I'm disposable. I've realized that this whole world is basically designed top to bottom to dissapoint you and I'm not going to let anymore selfish assholes consume my time or my personal life because I honestly don't have a minute to waste on anyone who can't at least find a few minutes in the day to return my phone calls or show up for plans that we've already made.

BASSIS

Day 105

Things have been pretty good since my last post. Since then I've only had approx 3 spots appear and none in the last week and a half until today.

Today I woke up and noticed 2 zits down my back when I got out of the shower. It was definately a downer because bacne spots always seem to premeditate facial acne and I was right. When I got out of the shower just a few minutes ago I noticed a little rising zit on my left cheek. Almost exactly in the same spot I got a bad little cyst a few weeks ago. I think it's just a whitehead so I'm not bugging too hard but I was kinda hoping I wouldn't be having any more acne because my clear skin the last 2 weeks has definately shown me that the accutane is working. Guess I'm not out of the woods yet.

I've gotta hang in there. Even though I've been enjoying clear skin for about the last week I haven't really been very jubilant or invigorated. I feel a little somber all the time because I know how fast my skin can change in just a few hours and totally drain my self esteem. All I can think about is how horrible that makes me feel. It's very humbling.

I'm also weathering a few other problems not directly acne related which have putmy head in a weird space. It looks like all of my friends are having a quarter life crisis right now and moving back home. I'll be spending the summer by myself for the most part which I'm actually kind of looking forward to in a weird way. Not having other people to interfere with my life and having a chance to get some serious thinking done will be nice. I also feel like none of them are really worth my time right now so I won't have to worry about feeling like "I've got something better to do" when hanging out with them. If they want go home, live with mom & dad, smoke weed and play video games all day then they can do that. I've got better things to do with my life.

Situations like this have helped me realize more and more just how different I am from everyone. It really struck me a couple of weeks ago how I'm totally unlike anyone I know. I try and think I'm just like everyone else but when it gets down to it I'm just not. I feel like I can't relate to anyone nor does anyone understand me or want to understand me. I've been feeling very unappreciated and overlooked by those close to me which only inspires my anti-social propensities more and more. I feel alone and am enjoying it.

BASSIS

So today I saw my derm and he decided to up my dose to 80mg per day. I've been at 60mg for the last 2 months which is supposed to be the max dosage for my bodyweight but since I've shown little response to the medication so far we're going over the max to try and get my body to respond to the Accutane. He said it was unusual for someone not to see progressive improvement on the medication by this point, plus the lack of side affects and my impeccable bloodwork was indicative that something is not working. I guess I'm looking forward to having something changed in my regimen but I'm very apprehensive that the upped dosage will make any difference at this point. I start 80mg on monday.

The good news is that I didn't get my weekly weekend breakout last saturday and haven't seen any new problem spots until yesterday. I hope this is the start of a new trend because the weekly, saturday breakouts I was having were so predictable I felt doomed every friday night because I knew I would wake up tomorrow with new spots.

Currently, I have a couple of red marks on my cheeks to last my through next week. Joy. It's amazing how one well placed spot can completely drain all of your confidence and personality. And I was having such a good time on tuesday and wednesday enjoying virtually clear skin. That confidence is all gone now.

One thing I am thankful for though is having a virtually untouched mountain behind my house which I can just walk to and hike up whenever I feel like getting away from civilization and the social pain from my acne scars. I've been going up there almost everyday and getting plenty of sunlight and thinking done which helps ease my mind. It's nice to get out of the house but not have to worry about going into public and running into someone that you know.

BASSIS

Today was my 24th birthday. It went pretty well considering I have a history of really crappy birthdays. Today was absolutely beautiful. I took a nice long hike up the mountain behind my house and got plenty of sunlight. My body feels replenished, revitalized and tanned. But most importantly, I had a 'virtual' clear skin day with only a couple of vague fading marks on my right cheek which are noticeable only upon close inspection. Plus, I got birthday cash from the 'rents and G'ma which is much needed.

Everythings looking good right now but I don't want to speak too soon because I haven't had a breakout since last weekend and I'm kinda 'due' for one you know. My breakouts are very predictable and I'm right more times about when they're gonna happen than not.

I haven't written a lot over the past couple of weeks because frankly I was tired of bringing everyone down with my seriously depressing blogs. I mean the stuff I write on this forum is not even half of what I could be talking about. I'll try and spare you the details in the future, but hopefully I won't have as much depressing details to report in the future.

Friday next week marks my 3 month checkup! I'm not sure if I'm excited about it or not because frankly, I have nothing new to report since my last checkup... and if you read my blog about my 2 month checkup you should know why.

Cheers all. I hope you enjoy the warm weather this weekend.

BASSIS

I have phobia of nice weather. My coping strategy through this whole acne ordeal I've been going through is just to wear my hoodie all the time, everyday. It helps conceal parts of my face I'd rather people not see too clearly, plus it's been cold and it helps keep my head warm. For the past week or so it's stopped raining and has really started to warm up and the sun is out and everyone is excited about summer coming.

To be honest I kind of wish it was still cold and dreary. It would make me feel a lot more legitimate for being depressed and wearing my hoodie all the time to hide my acne. When everyone else is out having a good time in t shirts and shorts enjoying the nice weather I feel totally out-of-place and that just makes me even more depressed.

Today has been really hard so far. I've had to do so many errands, running around and various things and I just feel like being in my apt. and not talking to anyone else for the rest of the day. Acne has made me so anti-social. I hate feeling like I have to isolate myself from other people as a solution to a problem.

It seems like everyday I'm just teetering on the edge of breaking down.

I haven't talked about it in this blog before but a lot of my depression from acne stems directly from my relationship with my best friend who is also sort of, but not really my girlfriend. I saw her today and she looked absolutely beautiful. She was so cheery about the nice weather and she was with one of her other guy friends who is an alright guy but it made me feel a little jealous nonetheless.

The painful part is that I just want to be closer to her like we used to be before my acne resurgence but I don't feel confident or happy with my life now to be closer to her. I just want to look nice for her and that's what hurts the most even though I know she doesn't care, it affects me a lot.

I hope everyone else enjoyed the nice weather today.

BASSIS

Day 69

Ok things aren't as bad as they were last sunday. I'm not feeling as doomed as I was then. The good news is is that since last sunday I've only had 3 acne spots appear, and that's great! It's too bad, like always, that my acne always appears in the worst possible place --my cheeks. Maybe Accutane is finally bulldozing over my high tolerance level for medication. So that maybe I'll start to see some progressive changes in my skin this month. That would be excellent because I've been so anxious about this breakout-clear-breakout-clear cycle I've been going through forever. I just want to feel like this is going somewhere...

That's all I have to say for the moment. Short and Sweet.

Cheers.

BASSIS

Day 62 ....

.....

Why am I still going through a breakout? I've been having a breakout pretty much all week. WTF?!!? I'm really upset. Today and yesterday were basically my healing days for school tomorrow. I thought my breakout period was over friday but now I'm feeling little bumps on my right cheek where I already have like 3 fading red marks and a new little bump on my right jaw.

I really can't take this. These are just like the breakouts I was having 4 weeks ago.

........

WTF is accutane doing!?!?!?

I feel like breaking something. I'm so frustrated right now. You know I was hoping month 3 would at least be a relief considering how difficult last month was. Last month was a basic nightmare, and I thought at least then I'm on accutane and by next month I'll be in a better situation. That's not the case though.

....

Looks like I'm in for another month of acne hell. I'm stoked.

BASSIS

Day 60 - Month 2 Recap

Sadly, I have to report that nothing has changed between my acne now and my acne this time last month. I told my doc yesterday this, he says he suspects since my case of acne has been so assiduous in the past that I may take a couple more months to start seeing consistent clearing. I know he's right too. All the medications and different treatments I've tried have given me the exact same results. At first I experience an initial clearing from the medication and then my acne just comes through again like it always does. I swear it develops an immunity for every medication I try after just a few weeks.

This really concerns me because now I'm starting to worry Accutane will be exactly the same as everything else. I'm scared it's not gonna work. It's driving me insane because basically nothing has changed over the last month. Nothing. In fact my 1st month was probably better because at least then I was seeing progressive change. Now I'm just seeing the same breakout, clear, breakout, clear cycle I've been going through for years and years. And I have had a couple of bad breakouts this month. This totally sucks. I'm not feeling good right now at all.

He's keeping me on 60mg because apparently that's the maximum dose he can supply me for my body weight. What's the next month gonna bring? I'm picking up my month 3 accutane in a couple hours and I'm just so worried that by this time next month I'll be saying the same thing I am now. Breakout, clear, breakout, clear over and over. I still haven't experienced much of anything for side affects which is kind of reinforcing my paranoia that the medication is not working. BLarlhhghiohgh%*^(&*@#.

I have 3 papules now. 2 on my right cheek and one on my left jawline. I'm not sure what the deal is. I don't usually get papules, just mostly whiteheads and sometimes cysts. I hate papules because they're unpoppable which just means it takes extra long (like a week and a half) for them to go away. Popping can make me feel so much better sometimes because it lets me take out my anger on frustration on my zits instead of letting them live on my face for a couple of weeks and just feeling embarrassed about them the whole time.

BASSIS

Day 53

The interview at Kripalu went well. I toured around there and asked a lot of questions about the YTT (Yoga Teacher Training) program to the program director and even some of the current yoga students. Everyone seemed really happy and thrilled with the whole experience. I'm very much looking forward to my training this summer. It's gonna be compeltely amazing and by that time I'll be on my last month of Accutane so I should have my clearest skin at that point! Yay.

The program director is really nice too. She showed me around and got me a free meal in the cafeteria. She was really pretty in her late 20's but I could tell was suffering with acne too. She had a few spots around her cheeks and mouth like I do at any given time which definately made me feel more comfortable. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person in the world that still suffers with acne but seeing her made me feel a lot better.

Things are alright on my acne front. I don't have the clear skin I had earlier this week. A couple of spots sprouted up yesterday which had to come out. One was a really painful compact zit on my chin which I popped out and splatted all over my mirror. What a thrill. The other was a whitehead on my right cheek which was kind of long and deep. I was a little to rough on it to squeeze it out and now I have a small red mark there. Oh well. Another day, another pill.

BASSIS

Day 51

It's been one week since I posted last. I haven't really gotten any new spots since that killer cyst I had last week. I popped that out last sunday and it still hasn't completely healed yet! I probably shouldn't have done anything with it cause I know it'll leave a permanent scar of some type. I don't get cysts hardly ever so I forget how bad they can be when they do come up.

Other than that tiny little red spot I have where the cyst was I've had virtually clear skin since about monday which has been really nice. Too bad I'm on spring break right now so it doesn't particularly mean a lot to to me that I do have clear skin but it feels good anyway.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to have my interview with the coordinator of the Yoga Teacher Training Program at Kripalu Yoga Institute out in Tanglewood. It's at 11am and I hope everything goes well. I don't see why things wouldn't. I'm just hoping I don't have anything crop up overnight to make me feel awkward during the interview. Acne can happen so quickly you just never know what could sprout up overnight. Especially because my cheeks are very prone to whiteheads and cysts. Everytime I look in the mirror I'm fearing the worst.

Next week I'll be having my 2nd month checkup and getting bloodwork done. This month hasn't been as good as the first suprisingly but it seems to have gone by more quickly at least. I'll try and get an update happening within a few days or a week.

BASSIS

Day 44

Today was really hard. I almost didn't go to any of my classes today, and when I was in class I just felt like cutting out early to go home. I almost did several times but I got through all of my classes anyways. I felt really uncomfortable and self conscious the whole day. My cheeks are still crusty with red scars.

...........

My scars are healing fine I guess. They should be gone over the weekend. Next week is spring break so it doesn't matter a whole lot if I have clear skin or not. I'll mostly just be staying at home and working some extra shifts, that's it. It seems like everyone else is going away to do something fun while I'm just staying here in cold Amherst to work a job I don't like.

I feel so distant from everyone and everything in my life right now. Everything just feels like cheap entertainment. I find that I don't enjoy a lot of the activities I used to. I haven't felt inspired to do anything creative for a while. I just want to be happy again. I want my life back.

I want to thank you all for giving me encouragement and emotional support in this time of need. The community here means a lot to me, and is sometimes the only thing that keeps me going and makes me hopeful that tomorrow will be a better day. You're help means more to me than you know. Thank you all.

BASSIS

Day 43 - Scarface Pt.2

Red angry scars. That's me today. I'm half expecting this nasty scar on my right cheek to open up and start talking to me the next time I look in the mirror. That's how bad it looks. I've covered it over with the concealer and now it just looks like I'm wearing bad make up again. I'm not sure which is worse, having fully visible red acne scars on my face or having obvious looking make up. What do you think?

I skipped out of all my vocal classes yesterday because I just couldn't cope with how awkward I felt. I'm a guy wearing make up for Christ's sake! I'm just waiting for someone to come up and ask "dude, are you wearing make-up?" That would be mortifying, even more so than the actual act of wearing make-up is itself.

Right now I'm tossing and turning on whether or not I should go out to the Jazz faculty concert tonight. I know I should because my voice teacher is singing and she's premiering an original composition she wrote for the lately departed Dora Magrath. I would really like to be there to support my teacher, but I know if I go I'm just going to feel uncomfortable and awkward about my face. Arrrrghhhh. Maybe I should just suck it up and go to make her happy.

I hate this. I want my life back.

BASSIS

Day 42 - Scarface

I'm skipping out of theory class right now to nurse this wound on my face. That fat zit on my cheek last night came to a head so I popped it out. I thought all was well until I got out of the shower this morning and noticed it was all puffy and gross looking so I pushed it some more and out came all sorts of gross white puss and ectoplasmic shit. Great, and just 20 minutes before I'm supposed to be in my 9 o'clock theory class right? That's effing perfect!!! It's still oozing and I need to take precautions so that it doesn't get infected, then I'd have a real disaster on my hands. It looks like a god damn landmine went off on my face and blew out a huge chunk for Christ's sake!

You know, I said in my last post that this zit would probably ruin my whole week. And it probably will. I'll be lucky if this shit heals by friday. Which will probably be just in time for my next breakout. Yup. I hate how I know my acne like it's my best friend (more like worst enemy) and I'm always right about how my acne is gonna be. I swear I'm like the weatherman for acne.

At least I finally got that Clean & Clear Concealing stick in the mail. It helps conceal red marks but I think it looks pretty obvious that I'm just using makeup to conceal bad skin. Maybe I'm not using it right, I am a guy and I've never applied make up before so that may have something to do with it. It's not really gonna do a whole lot for this wound right now, it's still partially open and probably won't get into healing mode until tomorrow if I'm lucky and don't have to push out more puss later on.

I don't even wanna think about how much worse things could be right now. I just want this to be over more than anything.

BASSIS

Yeah so granny went Friday night. Got the call from my dad on Saturday. He asked me to be a pallbearer at the funeral and I had to tell him I'm not going to be there. I'm gonna have to call my Grandfather today and tell him the same. I don't think he'll really understand since he's going senial, but what else can I do? I'm gonna have a huge guilt trip over this for not going.

So I've mostly healed from the outbreak I had thursday but I've gotten pretty much a tiny whitehead on my cheek each day since. The scars from those aren't deep or noticeable but they're quite frustrating. I had to pop out one this morning which was a little more belligerent and will probably leave a redmark on my cheek tomorrow. I also have a fat little bastard zit coming through on my right cheek which I have a feeling is gonna ruin my week once I pop it when it comes through. Acne makes me feel so fucking good.

I've been fighting off sickness since about thursday. I'm probably getting sick just because I've been so depressed my immune defenses are down. I don't doubt it. It's kind of like a chest cold with a cough and a runny nose and now it's travelling up to my head. All I've been doing today is drinking ginger tea and watching that Sigur Ros film on youtube.

It's such a nice day out again, but I really don't feel like going outside and doing anything. I hate feeling like I have to hide myself because of my acne. I really can't describe to you how this feels, but if you've been there, you know.

BASSIS

Day 38 - Nice Day

If you live in the NorthEast united states you probably experienced what would be called by most as the "official first day of spring". The sun was out, the temperature was nice and toasty, it didn't rain for once and a lot of the snow melted away. What a day. It seemed like everyone had a good time. That is, everyone except me.

Today I kind of felt like a piece of paper being balled up and crushed in the hand of God. I really couldn't get myself together today on any level despite the cheery weather. I popped out two zits last night on my cheeks which have left pretty red splats on my face to last me through the weekend. I think that's what got my anguish ball rolling. The rest of the day I was just coping with the grief and anxiety from everything I listed off in the last post and much more.

I had to work tonight and that was terrible. It was soo busy and I was so not in the mood for any of it. It was such a pain in the ass to get anywhere, town was packed because of the nice weather, everyone wanted to go out for dinner. I just felt like any minute I could break down and turn into a sobbing mess. Eventually I did. I'm so fucking emo I cried today (and blogged about it hah!). I don't cry often, if ever. In fact I can't even remember the last time I cried. But I needed to badly, and I'm feeling better now, but not by much.

What tortures me is the fact that everyone else went out and had a great time tonight whereas I could barely even bring myself to go to work just to keep my job. I felt like everyone was staring at me all night because I was so out of place surrounded by shiny happy people.

I have no idea how I'm going to get through tomorrow. I'm supposed to have labs in the morning but I don't feel up for it right now. I think I need time for myself but I also need to keep up in my classes. I have work tomorrow night and I'm not even certain I can bring myself to do my job. Not only for emotional reasons but my car sounded so much worse tonight than it did last week. It needs to see my mechanic badly but how the F am I gonna pay for the repairs? I mean it sounds so bad now I don't even think it's really safe to drive. What am I gonna do?

BASSIS

Day 37 - Ruminations

This week has been good acne-wise for the better half. That lip zit I talked about in my sunday post ended up coming through and it's still lingering on my left upper lip. It hasn't been unbearable. It hasn't formed into a head or anything, it's mostly just a slightly pink lump on my lip which is more annoying than noticeable. Blargh. I haven't had any acne otherwise which has been good. Although, it appears I have a shallow white head forming up on my right cheek near my mouth which I'll have to deal with.

The thing I want to talk about which I've realized today is that 2008 has been absolutely terrible for me so far. Let me tell you about it in order of intensity:

1. The acne resurgance problem I've been dealing with since November has been one of the most challenging situations I've faced thus far in my life. This whole episode of my life I'm going through has been particularly stressful. In fact I can only remember one other time in my life where I was comparatively this depressed on a consistent basis for an extended period of time. The good news is that since I've been on Accutane things have been on the upswing but I'm still not 'out-of-the-woods' yet.

2. The ways my relationship with my closest friend has suffered because of my self-esteem issues related to my acne problem.

2.5 The ways my relationship with many different people has suffered because of my self-esteem issues related to acne.

3. Serious financial destitution which I am likely not to recover from until summer. This is also mostly related to the ridiculous co-pays I've had to pay on so many acne medications. My debit card will be shut down until monday when my account balance will bounce back into the positive. But will probably go right down again after I pay off 2 months of backed up bills and various other expenses I need to get out of the way. Looks like Mom is getting a call in the near future... aaaaaaaaarggggggh

4. The brakes on my car are fucked. Everytime I break I get a grinding, screeching noise. Likely I'll need the brake pads repaced and probably a front end alignment. Shit, I haven't even had an oil change since last year cause I'm so dog broke I can't afford an oil change.

5. I am disliking my job more and more every shift I work. It's to the point now where I have to convince myself to go into work the shifts I'm scheduled to, let alone extra shifts even though I know I need to work extra because I'm so hard up for cash right now. It just sucks that much.

6. Dora died. The official cause of death still hasn't been released even though they found her body over a week and a half ago. Mysterious.

7. My grandmother on my dad's side is about to die. I called my dad last night and he told me she's had an irregular heartbeat since yesterday as well as difficulty breathing. He told me the doctors said "this is the begginning of the end". This doesn't strike me as unexpectedly as Dora's death because I've been anticipating her death for a while sadly. I saw her at Xmas and knew that would be the last time I saw her alive, she looked half dead then. She couldn't even remember who I was.

7.5 My dying grandmother, as well as the rest of my immediate family lives in Maryland and I live in Massachusetts. When my grandmother goes, I'm obligated to go to the funeral, but how am I gonna get there like this? I have no money, my car is fucked, I can't pay to fix my car in time to go to the funeral probably, I have classes, ensembles, and lots of homework everyday as well as a job. How can I possibly work in time and money for an excursion to MD? I hate to say it but I probably won't be at the funeral and I have an itching feeling no one in my dad's family is going to understand that. Then they're going to insinuate I take a Peter Pan bus or something which I sooooo don't want to do. I'll just say right now there's no way I can get there like this, and she could pass any day now.

Sorry to drop all this really heavy stuff on you guys. I kind of feel like I'm crashing the Accutane party right now because we've all been reporting positive results from the medication which we're excited about. Most of these things I listed aren't even directly acne related but are important issues to me nontheless.

I've been feeling more desperate lately to let out all these issues in my life via blogging (which I've never done before) because of my social isolation partially due to my acne problem. I hope you understand that. I'll keep you guys updated later on.

BASSIS

Day 34

Things are looking good today. That one little red mark I had my cheek has faded to a vague pink and may be gone by tomorrow. I could potentially have clear skin for monday! I don't want to speak to soon though because I noticed a small little hard spot on my lip which I have a feeling is the forming of a whitehead. :confused: God I hope not more than anything. That would be terrible because it's been more than a month since I had any lip zits and I hate lip acne more than anything! I hit with some AHA which may do the job in getting rid of it. But if not.... Ugggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh#%!@#&*^*^@.

Anyways, face is clear otherwise. I'll keep you updated tomorrow.

BASSIS

Day 31 - Up to 60mg

Today wasn't quite as I hoped. That scar next to my mouth has healed but I got a little whitehead on my right cheek overnight which I busted out in the morning. It left a little red mark which is probably gonna take a few days to disappear. Yeah, I could have had clear skin today otherwise. My acne sure knows how to make it hurt just when I think I'm getting clear. AAAARGHHHHHHHHHHH)(#$%*) *( %&* $@%#^.

Ok so I got my new package of Accutane today, now the Claravis brand. Paying for the prescription today was a HUGE effing deal. I'm not going to go into every detail but I have shitty health insurance. I basically have to co-pay out-the-ass for everything. Long story short my card wouldn't work when I went to pay for the package. B of A is giving me holy hell right now (that's a whole nother story), and shut down my card. I ended up calling my mom and pleading with her to WesternUnion me some $ to pay for this damn thing. Eventually she did and I got my Accutane! Which is the important thing, but I absolutely loathe having to ask my parents for anything like that because I'll never heard the end of it.

Why am I the only one to blog today? I like reading other people's blogs more than I like writing my own.

BASSIS

Day 30

Today was pretty good I guess. My scars are basically all faded except for the one next to my mouth which isn't highly noticeable right now. It just looks like a little red speck and I'm sure by tomorrow it'll start morphing back into my skin tone. So possibly by tomorrow I can have what I consider clear skin! Yay. I'm pulling for not having a breakout. I think I'll be alright.

Today was my last day on the introductory, 40mg dose for the first month. Tomorrow I'm going to get my prescription filled for the 30mg pills twice a day for the next 30 days. I'm looking forward to it although I'm a little apprehensive as to what the extra 20mg a day might do to me. Side affects, IBs? I hope not. I'm praying this upped dosage is what I need to squash my acne into submission.

In other news, I went to Dora's memorial service today. It was quite somber but I'm glad I went. Everyone got to share memories we had of her and we all had a collective mourning and bonding over her loss. It was quite inspiring to see such an outpouring of love from random people I've never met before. I hope that when I go I can have people like that to come together and express their love and gratitude.

RIP Dora

BASSIS

Day 29 - 4 Weeks

Today marks my official 4th week on Accutane. I visited the derm for my checkup appointment today. He said my first month on the medication has been very typical. Not reporting any side affects wasn't uncommon which I found suprising. It seems pretty much everyone else's blog I've been reading has been experiencing side affects of some type. I'm the only guy that hasn't.

He bumped me up to two 30mg pills for 60mg a day. I'll be filling that presciption tomorrow and revisiting him on Mar 28. I was a little pissed that they make every appt 31 days after the checkup appt even though the Sortet packages only come with a 30 day supply. That's just retarded.

My scars are fading well today. Most of them will probably be gone by tomorrow. The only one that is gonna take a few more days is the one next to my mouth which is still a little reddish.

Anyways, I'm off for the rest of the day and will probably be staying inside. It's snowing right now and supposed to accumulate substatially this afternoon and overnight. With any luck I'll get a school delay tomorrow! Also, tomorrow there's supposed to be a memorial service happening for Dora at Hampshire College which I'll probably be attending.

RIP Dora

BASSIS

Day 28 - RIP Dora Magrath

Today was interesting and a little surreal. To start I'll just say that my acne was OK today, it wasn't great but it wasn't as bad as I thought last night. I'll still had that gross red scab right next to my mouth which made me feel awkward but the other spots I thought might develop into something seem to have receded. Tomorrow is the derm appt. can't wait to see what my derm says.

In other news I found out a friend of mine died today. It was quite tragic and the details surrounding her death are still mysterious at this point. I'll say that I didn't know her too well and we weren't particularly close but I am a little haunted by the situation.

The news of her death didn't really impact me as much as the fact that everyone I knew who also knew her was really emotional over the whole thing. Seeing everyone else so upset made me upset and so now I'm feeling a little solemn and pensive.

The story is is that this girl was in my vocal jazz tech. class last semester. Vocal tech is basically training for jazz singers. We perform songs in front of the class on a weekly basis with a backing band and give each other feedback after each performance. There's only about 10 of us in the class at a time so at the end of the semester we tend to form tight emotional bonds with each other as singers. She was one of the singers in the class last semester.

You actually may have heard of this girl, Dora Magrath. She disappeared on friday night in the St. Louis area or thereabouts and her body wasn't found until last night. Her missing person's story made some national news stations when she went missing friday. Here's the news story with video

http://cw11tv.trb.com/news/kplr-news-02240...0,2297796.story

It's kind of bizarre seeing her like this. I got to know this girl and her voice quite intimately over the course of last semester. She was such a talented singer and songwriter. Not to mention one of the most supporting and warm-hearted people in the class. Seeing her make news headlines is really strange. In supplement I found her myspace page.

http://www.myspace.com/doramagrath

Her acapella version of her original song 'Sky is Blue' gave me chills. Not only for her breathtaking performance on the song but for the nostalgia that it now gives me of an incredible talent we have now lost. She will be missed.

RIP Dora

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