About this blog

my acne excoriee journey

Entries in this blog

cant_stop

I'm ready to stop.

I'm ready to stop picking. today is day one. I'm conscious of my problems, I know what I'm trying to avoid by picking, and I'm ready to bring this to an end. I've been holding back some major personal issues that I just was not ready to deal with and picking allowed me to go into a zone and forget about them. But I'm confronting my fears now and I don't need picking to distract me!

This blog will hold me responsible. No time like the present! Feel free to join me, fellow pickers, we can hold each other responsible.

cant_stop

A little hopeful

Things are going a little bit better today. It's just such a vicious, vicious cycle. My face looks bad, so I want to get rid of the things that look bad on it. What looks bad? Scabs, dry skin, new pimples. So naturally, I pick at the scabs, pull off the dry skin and squeeze the pimples. Or the little tiny bumps that aren't pimples yet but might be. And surely will be if I touch them!

Some things that are helping: egg white masks and aspirin masks. Egg white really seems to calm down my face and get open spots a jump start on healing. Plus, it's raw egg so...I'm not too inclined to touch my face while it's there. Aspirin calms down new pimples, reduces redness and keeps my fingers off.

Also, I've been wearing as little makeup as possible. Constantly applying and removing makeup is not good for my skin and even though it is non-comedogenic, I'm convinced that my skin is happier without it.

Not sure if the Vitamin C supplements are helping. I took a day off from them as I was feeling a little queasy yesterday and wasn't sure if it was a result of taking so much vitamin C. Maybe I should have introduced it slowly into my diet. Tomorrow I will resume that regimen.

Every day I promise not to pick, but I haven't had an entirely, and I mean ENTIRELY, pick free day in quite some time now. Just keep trying...

cant_stop

Desperation.

Desperation is washing my face in the shower and breaking down into tears when my fingers find the ugly bumps across my forehead. With the water running, no one can hear my sobs.

All of my life, I had porcelain skin. I never owned concealer. Shortly after beginning college, I had one massive breakout. I dabbled with a variety of meds (BP, Aczone, Ziana, antibiotics, more BP, more antibiotics...) but nothing seemed to help. Finally, after investigating some digestive issues, we discovered that i have a severe gluten intolerance that directly affects my skin. Unfortunately, my problems did not end there. Though I was relatively successfully at removing gluten from my diet, I began looking for blemishes to remove even after the acne began to subside. Consequently, I developed what I now know to be acne excoriee. My suspicion is that the only remaining cause of the acne I still have.

My parents have encouraged me to go on Accutane and birth control, but I don't feel that my acne is severe enough for accutane (and if the cause is me picking, would it even help?) Besides, the side effects look awful. I'm not too keen on birth control because of side effects as well, I guess I'm just not too excited about the idea of weight gain, emotional issues, etc. I have many friends who have had bad experiences and I'm not altogether sure that my hormones are even involved.

I'm currently experimenting with some more natural products (dermE, tea tree oil, aloe vera/vitamin e, the ocassional egg mask) and relying on aspirin masks to knock out the new pimples that crop up and reduce redness. Though that's not as natural, at the very least it ensures that I'll keep my fingers off while it's on. The high dosages of chemicals in the creams I had been using seemed to further irritate my skin. I try to drink at least 64 oz of water a day (no pop or caffeine) and have adopted a vegan diet, so no dairy products to get in there and mess things up either.

I'm starting this blog to help keep myself focused on my skin goals. I cannot continue living my life in shame, hiding from mirrors and avoiding social contact for fear that someone will see how hideous I really am, and I'm terrified of doing permanent damage to my face.

Today I have 2 major pimples, 2 smallish pimples, 2 "healing" pimples and about 10 spots, which are no longer pimples because they are flat, but are red and/or raw because I've picked. The skin that is not broken out or picked is pristine. I have no oil problems, only some blackheads on my nose, and no ice pick scars (thank god!)

I welcome any suggestions, advice and encouragement, and am certainly willing to provide any support to other pickers. It's hell, and if I could help just one person to stop, I'd do whatever possible.

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