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A place for me to write down my feelings

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SilentCries

Gotta Quit Smoking

Okay its currently 12.48pm today I plan to stop smoking today. I'm currently craving to have a smoke, I usually smoke alot when I feel down, it makes me feel better and calm down even tho it's killing me inside. Trying to hold back! Writing a blog to keep me busy :D

I gave my little sister a list of vitamins and omega 3, zinc etc. So from today I will be taking those trying to rebuild back my health =D Still gotta remember drink lots of water, some green tea.

I'm not going to eat the 5 fruits or veggys I'm going to make smoothies with them instead since I'm not a fan of fruits and veggy and I'm quite picky. So I looked at someones blog yesterday and saw smoothies with lots of mixed up veggs and fruits which sounds good to me even tho I doubt it very much I'l like the taste, but I'm pretty sure downing the cup is easier then chewing each fruit and veg one by one! Thats something I will look into more :). I'm going to start this next week since I need to think of a list with the types of veggy and fruites I want to fill my face with.

Okies so yesterday for a very long time I stopped using face wash just splashed some water on it, because I have to have that on my face twice a day at least, So I only skipped the cleaning stuff.

Well since I'm thinking to try a whole new set of products next month I wanted to calm my face down abit, I was always jumping from one product to another. Its about time my face got a rest. Only thing I done to it was cream it since after splashing some water my face felt really dry. I used vitamin E body shop day and night face cream but very light uses.

I feel okay. The acne on my face at the moment is dry! yay because it does not hurt anymore. I so tempted to pick them lol since the acne top is dry. I won't tho! I refuse to give into temptation! I can see when the spots are gone it's going to leave some marks behind and if I pick it maybe some holes too which I hope I won't be. I rarely pick but sometimes when I run my hand across my face and I feel dry or flaky skin I tend to start clawing at it.

SilentCries

Well I didn't sleep I had the fever my smart bf gives me medication for it and it contained caffeinie no wonder I was up all night thinking I swear I'm ill why can't I sleep? I was passing out once my head touched my pillow the other nights.

Anyways I sat up and done some thinking after the good complaining and moaning blog. I decided to quit smoking to see if it helps my acne and if it doesn't, well for my healths sake it's about time I stopped the bad habit.

Going to remind myself to drink some chinese green tea my mum has a whole packet of them in her house.

I got my brother made me some yesterday and he put like 3 big spoons in a tiny tea pot and poured me a big cup.

Okay so not all green tea is nice but green tea is green tea right so I drank it even tho it was like so strong thinking it was suppose to be like that. Well it's not he put wayyy to much leafs!!! You don't have to put so much! Reminder: never let anyone make your drinks!

More water I rarely drink water I usually drink orange juice. I try my best not to eat any fast or greasy food which I can avoid when I'm at my parents. My mum always cooks and it's great. Where as I don't know what to make everyday and sometimes you just can't be bothered to cook, so then my boyfriend who doesn't really know how to cook makes a full fatty fry up which is truthly yummy since I don't get to eat it alot. Lucky for him his got perfect skin and he never creams and he only splash water on it. He don't eat fruits or veg?! Life just aint fair is it?? But I love him anyways :)

So more water, green tea, less fatty food, no fast food, quiting smoking, maybe yoga at home.

I seriously can not change my diet completely I LOVE FOOD!!! Maybe because its my source of comfort ever since I started breaking out and staying in I loved eating thank god for very good metabolism.

I will change my diet slowlyyyy I will try the 5 fruits a day, okay it won't be 5 I'll be totally lying to myself there I know I won't eat 5 lol but at least 3 and veggys. So eating diet sort of done I will have to write a big fat note and stick it in the mirror to remind myself! To keep at it.

I recently finished my Vitamin E Cream Cleanser night and day washes and creams no luck I finally figured out that Body shops stuff don't work for me. I also tried the whole section of tea tree line before I started the Vitamin E stuff, not even the tea tree oil helped me, used them for a few months.

So now I need a new route to set out for the cleaning and creaming la la la. I was actually thinking to try the 1 month no chemicals or cream and try letting my face heal on it's own. But I don't know if I can resist?!?! I brought a bag of Elemis products wasted £150 for everything and the product was on sale and it came up to that much! I don't know if I should start on it yet since my last product of Vitamin E was yesterday maybe let my face rest for a month before jumping into a new routine! Okay that setted, wish me luck? Also I'm going to buy bunches of vitamins and omega 3, zinc the full works. Stacking up tomorrow, I feel like I'm preparing for a battle with my acne lol, if people found a cure for them I'm sure theres one for me too :D !

SilentCries

Right now its 12.38am I can't sleep since I've been in bed all day cause of my fever keep feeling hot and cold blah blah blah.

My head is pumping and so are my acne I can feel the fat spots on my face pumping like its going to explode and it's annoying me so bad.

Sometimes I cry myself to sleep laying in bed and my bf doesn't even know I cry which is a good thing I guess cause it's my little way to express myself and it's very private I usually get very despress at night before I sleep after looking at my spots in the mirror for a good 5mins trying to think where the hell did they come from and trying to remember how my skin looked like when it was so clear (which i can't remember anymore).

I pray every night asking god to heal my skin and each day waking up hoping there are some improvement and of course there aint any.

All these stuff that are sold in the shops don't work!!! people like me who are SO DESPRATE for clear skin trying each one out hoping some miricle will happen gets letted down each time! I even went for the Nlite and chemical peel and it didn't work and they tried to ask me to come back for more! Like I will go and pay another £800 like they haven't caused enough pain already! I'm feeling so low these day because I can't bare to look at myself in the mirror anymore.

I had clear skin before and people used to comment on it saying how good it was, now i've broken out so bad everywhere I go its like "wow what happened to your face! why is it so bad?!" and I don't know how to reply what am I suppose to say? If I knew the reason why I've got acne maybe I would be able to try to tackle this problem! I don't have a clue why I got it! This makes me don't want to go out even more. Which is why half the time I am hiding at home only going out when I don't have a choice! I feel much better being home where no one will ask me question about my face and not worrying about whos looking at me.

I tried the egg white mask today I'm hoping it would do something?! Maybe it won't but like everyone on the review they said its cheap and I've tried so many why not. I'm also going to try the lemon after and see how it goes hopfully some miricle will happen. But I'm trying to not get my hopes up too high I've been letted down for too much. I hate my reflection even if I don't look at the mirror my spots is pumping and hurting reminding me that theres something on my face everyday.

Not many people I know have acne so it's hard to talk about it to others and when I try to speak to my bf his like "your okay I don't mind" but the problem is I mind. If I didn't mind I wouldn't be so upset with myself right!!! So it's gathered people who lived their life with perfect skin don't understand how the people who does feels, why bother try talk about it, it's just going to make you feel stupid.

Okay end of blog and moaning for today! It's only a place for me to let out so steam which helps.

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