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A way for me to track progess.. vent, rant, drop baggage

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pimple-queen

Entry one

Its approching the first month of accutane, the side effects are making me look like one scary looking crack hore in terms of dryness the skin on my lips in peeling its quite gross. I know I should leave it alone but its agonizing on its own and I can see people's eyes darting to my lips.

I dunno I've experianced acne since I was 12 its been non stop the last 8 years of my life are in some way defined by it, (pimple queen is what my "best friend" in 8th grade called me in class when we had to pick nicknames for an inbox system),I have accepted my flaws its difficult to accept further flaws when their quite fresh. I'll live with it I'll be fine..

I digress a part of me that was previously normal is not but it is temporary, I'm just a tad frustrated that I have crusty lips and ecsema like rashes on both arms and hands, scared that I could develop more severe side effects. However on tbe bright side I am experiancing less tiny annoying persistant acne and my skin feels dewier, however the acne I do get is substantially bigger...

On another rant.. I HATE when people assume you have a bad diet I do not, my diet kicks their deit's in the ass!.. okay but I do concede lowering sugar intake to basically nill would help, I would suggest artificial sweeteners but realize their potentail toxity but stevia would be great if not for the price.. not that splenda's any cheaper..

...some things do aggravate it I can feel my skin crawling... and yes I am ashamed to admit blatant skin picking, no huge craters thank God, the sheets could be changed more often.

I know that with my heavy predesposition I should avoid anything which may lead to acne via touch, dirt etc

Ok so I've survived month one,. went through hell with me face being inflammed, spotty and angry looking for several months, will be optimistic and dare to hope. I will not touch my face, pop one zit (maybe one), will have an can do attitude, will research more and will strive to have a better face.Hope all's clear for Uni in the fall here's hoping.

But it wont make the depression go away, I've realized that I've tried to change jobs, move places,.. but it changes nothing. Granted having friends helps.. I swear I don't know, I've been lonely and alone for the last year, whatever friend I manage to talk to leaves my life just as quickly, in fact their more of aquaintances.. I have my mom, dad, brother who dislikes spending time with me and a dog. Its not my perception, I don't have friends no one calls, or leaves a message, if I manage to hang with an old friend for a bit she won't contact me for months. I've never had a boyfriend, friends are missing from my life, I feel if I had those it would get better but I have a sinking feeling it may not.. I've tried to be positive despite that, but some days I feel like giving up and jumping off the sixteenth floor I can't imagine the funeral will be too crowded.. but still those thoughts are there. I know about the accutane-depression connection I'm going to a doctor this week to seriously consider it.. theres is this study on depression and the death of brain cells where prozac was shown to actually cause regeneration to occur.. but I still tink a councellor may be my best bet... I could try getting out there, being more aggressive planning out what groups I will join in Uni finding a way out, cause once depression sinks its claws its hard to remove then cause its out for the kill. anyway this did not cover all of the things I wanted to cover.. put on to do list write in journal or blog to vent emotions helpful in making one feel better, especially if you like writing.. I apologize for the grammer its not the greatest when it free flow I forget to add transitions and its just bad gammer but late now soo night.

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