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Sticking with Accutane

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Hopeful in AZ

Two-faced

"I painted half my face green

I painted half my face blue

In hopes of showing you

both sides of me both sides of me

I guess it came down to

don't you love don't you love me"

Those are some Dada lyrics to a song called Dim that I can't get out of my head. When I look at my face this song runs through my brain like the soundtrack to my life. If you were to draw a line down the center of my face I could be my own "before and after" accutane. The left side of my face smooth...with the exception of some smooth scar discoloration, it's flawless... The right side of my face on the other hand is a nightmare. Huge cysts, scabs, raised scars. It's tragic. There's not makeup on the planet that can disguise the disaster.

Yesterday I had a meltdown and my face didn't help. So, I've been sick for the last week or so. I have a chronic cough that makes it impossible to sleep...after 4 days with little or no sleep I finally went to the doctor (I put it off because I don't have insurance). I got into the Doctor last minute and had to take my 4 yr old daughter with me. While the Dr. was trying to talk to me, my daughter got in the corner between the exam table and the wall and began kicking the table. I couldn't hear what the doc was saying so I pulled my daughter out of the corner (after repeatedly asking her to stop). She started to yell and cry, as she was rolling on the floor, screaming, she started to say, "you're going to make me pee" so, I grabbed her and rushed her to the bathroom and set her on the toilet. She started to scream and shriek louder...I kept trying to shush her and at this point was sweating and remember I'm on zero sleep and I was on the verge of melting down. This was a small office too so EVERYONE was being affected by her screaming. I grabbed her and walked out of the office. I passed a mirror outside the elevator and saw my exhausted, sweating face, and the mineral makeup melting down my messed up cheek..I started bawling uncontrollably. My daughter and the lack of sleep and the mess that everything is just pushed me over the edge. I couldn't get it together for a while. I was embarrassed and angry and exhausted. So yeah. Such is life. I'm not a crier either, so the whole day was especially surreal for me. Today isn't much better honestly. I'm still exhausted and overwhelmed.

How is everyone else doing?

Hopeful in AZ

Today...rough day. I had to reschedule my derm appt from tomorrow to today because of a bunch of driving/childcare/court conflicts blah blah blah for tomorrow. The dermatologist upped my dosage from the current 40mg to 60mg. That's all well and great, until I went to fill the prescription and found out it was THREE TIMES THE PRICE!! AUuuuggghhhhhh! So, yeah. Got to love it. I ended up not being able to fill it today...I will tomorrow. I guess... Maybe I can sell a kidney or something.

Other than that....skin isn't so bad lately. Nothing new has popped up. There are two disasters on my face that were huge, then I picked at them and now they're starting to turn into large, scaly bump-like scars, one on my chin and one just below my right nostril. The left side of my face feels smooth but there are quite a few scars...the right side..well, I'm not sure how to describe it. There aren't any active pimples...and the bumps I can feel under my skin aren't really pimples (I don't think anyways), I think they may be raised scars or something...but there's smooth scarring on that side as well. I hope it fades with time.

Not too many other side effects...lips still dry. I think my body has adjusted to the fatigue, though I'm sure the new dosage will probably take its toll. My arm still hurts from getting my blood taken last week....it took the girl 4x to get a vein. I broke into a cold sweat and had to talk myself out of passing out. It was traumatic. Other than that...all is okay. I hope everyone else is doing great.

Hopeful in AZ

I just mangled my face. Couldn't even begin to tell you what I was thinking. I am exhausted and should be asleep... I was getting ready for bed and after I washed my face, I began the ill-fated close range inspection. It looks HORRIBLE! I forced stuff that should definitely have been left alone. I wonder if I'll be able to stop kicking myself long enough to get to sleep.

I set up my next derm appointment today...it'll be on 4/9. It's going to be a long day because I have school, then I drive across Metro-Phoenix to the other side of the planet to my dermatologist, then north (back across the planet in a different direction) to court for my daughter (her nightmare father is trying to get off of supervised visitation :dance: ) So, I'm sort of looking forward to it (cause I'll get an upped dose), sort of not.

Update on the boy for my girls. lol. He came over Friday to watch a movie and play chess (yeah, I'm a nerd, lol) and time flew and it got really late....I walked him downstairs and got an unexpected (therefore awkward) kiss good night. So yeah...he must not be repulsed....although I haven't heard from him since (did he get too close of a look?!?!) or is he doing the stupid "Swinger's" wait three days to call thing? Sigh. I'll keep y'all posted.

Ok, well I'm going to go to bed now...I'll just make sure to avoid mirrors on the way there so I don't give myself nightmares from the horror that is my face. Ugh.

G'night

Hopeful in AZ

I hate acne. Hate it. It's so not fair. I finally met up with this guy tonight for coffee. It took the guy almost 3 mths to get me to commit to a get-together, because of my insecurity about my skin. A few days ago my face was looking pretty clear, so I figured if we met for coffee in the evening (and sat outside where it's dim, lol) I could wear makeup and look normal. Well, I woke up this morning with a full on breakout. I didn't want to cancel on him last minute, so I went and toughed it out. I was hoping to beat him there so I could get my coffee and already be outside in the beautiful dim-ness, but he was already there, inside, so we stood in the glaring light of the funky little coffee shop waiting for painfully slow baristas to bust out our drinks...me fidgeting and not really looking right at him. He probably thinks I'm nuts. It was horrible. Sigh. I cannot wait for this ish to be gone.

How's everyone else doing?

Hopeful in AZ

My doc also prescribed Prednisone...it's only been three days and it's made a big difference in the redness and inflammation. It also weirdly makes my scabs look less scary. For the most part, my face is smooth right now, so when I wear makeup, it doesn't look so bad. Well, until 3/4 through the day when it looks all dry and creepy around some of my scabs. Still, it's better than it was. My doctor told me not to expect to look clear until the end of the second month, and I'm just starting my second month, but I'm hopeful it'll be sooner than later.

Hopeful in AZ

I went to the derm for my second pack of Claravis. I'm happy that he bumped me up. I didn't see that much difference with the 20, plus I'm anxious to make sure I reach that critical cumalative dosage that stop reoccurances. I've been on the 40 since Wednesday...and I definitely notice the dryness in the lips. They get much dryer than before, faster too. Still not any aches or pains, even with my pretty intense gym routine. I am extremely tired all the time though, and I'd hate for this to sound like a cop out, but I'm pretty sure the medicine is affecting my calculus scores. Since I've started, my scores have steadily declined and I haven't changed my study habits or effort. I'm really starting to get concerned...I've worked so hard to maintain a 4.0, it makes me sick to see it start to unravel. Hopefully I can regroup over spring break and try to triple my efforts to bring my grade back up. I hate math. My other classes are going well, but they don't require the memorization or concentration that my calc class does.

My face has a few new spots on the sides of my chin...and I have a few healing scabs that are tough to cover. I'm pretty self conscious about them. Like many of you, I struggle with the picking. I'll do great for so long, but when I cave, the flood gates open and I go nuts on my face. It bugs me. Between the random bloody noses and the scabs on the face, people are going to start mistaking me for a meth addict. Sometimes when I'm driving, I pick subconsciously. It's horrible. I feel like I need to pull a Phoebe from Friends and duct-tape oven mitts to my hands....so much for not wanting people to stare at me huh? lol.

I hope everyone else is doing great with their courses. I guess one of the good things, is the first month went by really quickly. I hope the rest cruises by as well.

Adios

Hopeful in AZ

The more I read about hair thinning and hair loss in relation to Accutane, the more freaked out I get. Have any of you noticed your hair thinning? If you're done with your course, did it come back? Is there anything I can do to stop/fix it?

Please help. I have enough to worry about, I don't want to add this to the mix. :)(

Hopeful in AZ

I think I'm at pill number 17. Calculus has numbed my brain to the point of being unable to count. Lol.... and I'm developing a complex. I've convinced myself that my hair is thinning and I'm freaking out. Auuuggghhhhhhhh! How incredibly horrible would that be? However, it would be just my luck.

So far not too dry. It's weird how my face will appear semi good or agonizingly awful in the same day. Sometimes I look and think, eh, it's not so bad...and other times, want to join the circus so I can wear clown makeup and hide the nightmare that is my face. The blemishes I've been getting have been HUGE, large to the point they seem like they're pulsating. One of these days one of them is going to develop a personality and start talking to me. They're cropping up on opposite sides of my face, up and down, side to side. I can't help the picking, it's becoming an obsession. The harder I try not to, the harder it is to stop. As a result I have a few unfortunate scabs. I cannot wait until this mess is over with and hopefully I'll still have my hair when it's all said and done.

Hope everyone is doing okay.

Hopeful in AZ

Auugggghhhhh

Today (actually yesterday as it's 2 am) I swallowed pill number 10. Not too much to report. I'm thinking that the low dosage is really not doing much to my body. My lips still aren't too dry. I still have some spots on my face...and a few new ones that are under the surface, ugh. Unfortunately, that's not too out of the ordinary for me. One thing for sure though, this stuff wipes me out. Sometimes it feels like I'm not going to have the energy to get to a bed, like I have to lay down and sleep wherever I'm at. Of course I don't, it just feels like I want to. So, now...why would a person as exhausted as me be up at 2 am.... Apparently all of my professors got together and decided to F with my sanity because I have 3 major tests tomorrow. Calc, Anthro and Research Methods. My ass is up studying. Tomorrow is going to suck. I just had to vent before I went to bed, over tired and somehow still ill-prepared for tomorrow.

Hopeful in AZ

One week down.

So, I thought that I had magically avoided the dreaded initial breakout on my face. I was wrong. A few pills in I started getting these giant cysts on the middle of my back (a spot that has ALWAYS been clear).. I affectionately referred to these new additions as the octuplets...and was relatively pleased as I assumed that in some twist of fate my IB was occurring on my back instead of my face. As of today, my face has joined the party....all kinds of new stuff popping up. I'm not thrilled about it. Everything else is okay. My lips don't feel dry yet. I do feel extra fatigued...but nothing unmanageable. The other unwelcome event was the arrival of dandruff. Ugh. I've never before had to deal with that mess, I'm happy to say that it was only around for a short 3 hours as I've since purchased some special shampoos and conditioners and haven't seen any since. Other than that... nothing interesting to report. Hang tough everyone...we'll be able to rejoin the living in no time. :)

Hopeful in AZ

Day one

Well, I finally jumped through all of the correct hoops and got my prescription. I'm taking Claravis (an Accutane generic). I'm starting out on 20mg a day. That surprised me because I'm a giant and I thought they based dosage on body weight. I guess that's one problem with reading all of these blogs, it makes us feel like we're experts on the subject when the Dr.'s are the ones with all of the credentials. lol. I'm thinking the bright side is, hopefully the lower dosage will equal a lower likelihood of side effects.

I took my first pill about 3 hours ago, and so far don't feel anything different. I'm trying hard to be aware of real vs expected side effects. I've read about so many people being exhausted, sore etc. that I don't want to trick my mind or body into thinking that's the case for me if it's not. I'm off to the gym now so I guess we'll see.

I cannot wait to start seeing some changes!

Wish me luck. :)

Hopeful in AZ

Well...It sucks to be a realtor right now. Really sucks. I guess the only bright side of a dried up market is that I don't have to face clients with jacked up skin. However, due to my financial woes, I'm trying to do Accutane on the cheap.... unfortunately my insurance lapsed a couple of months back so trying to do this out of pocket means trying to scare up the cheapest lab place and generic Accutane.

Today I called some lab places to see what would be the best route. It's looking like Lab Express is the winner, they're going to be 136.00 a month as opposed to the next closest which is 250.00 a month. I'm so anxious to start!

Hopeful in AZ

Waiting to start

Well, I've read everything I can find on the subject....and had the first of the two required pregnancy tests to begin. I have second pregnancy test and first blood test on February 4th, and can begin the actual prescription the following week. I'm terrified.

A little about my history: I'm a 27 year old female. My skin was pretty much okay through my teenage years. As I got into my 20's it was okay, but when I got a breakout, it'd be a HORRIBLE breakout....like never come out from under your rock type breakout. Then after the birth of my daughter when I was 23 it became an acne nightmare. Especially difficult because it ended a fairly successful modeling career....and destroyed my self esteem. I've tried everything and am now ready to subject myself to the seemingly soul sucking power of Accutane. I've read many blogs and while I'm looking forward to the end result...I'm terrified of the pitfalls that await me in the first few months. I know I'm not going to want to leave my house...unfortunately school starts tomorrow and I'm so obsessive about my grades that regardless of the disaster on my face, I'll be there with all of the clear faced college kids. :rolleyes:(

I'm scared.

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