"I painted half my face green
I painted half my face blue
In hopes of showing you
both sides of me both sides of me
I guess it came down to
don't you love don't you love me"
Those are some Dada lyrics to a song called Dim that I can't get out of my head. When I look at my face this song runs through my brain like the soundtrack to my life. If you were to draw a line down the center of my face I could be my own "before and after" accutane. The left side of my face smooth...with the exception of some smooth scar discoloration, it's flawless... The right side of my face on the other hand is a nightmare. Huge cysts, scabs, raised scars. It's tragic. There's not makeup on the planet that can disguise the disaster.
Yesterday I had a meltdown and my face didn't help. So, I've been sick for the last week or so. I have a chronic cough that makes it impossible to sleep...after 4 days with little or no sleep I finally went to the doctor (I put it off because I don't have insurance). I got into the Doctor last minute and had to take my 4 yr old daughter with me. While the Dr. was trying to talk to me, my daughter got in the corner between the exam table and the wall and began kicking the table. I couldn't hear what the doc was saying so I pulled my daughter out of the corner (after repeatedly asking her to stop). She started to yell and cry, as she was rolling on the floor, screaming, she started to say, "you're going to make me pee" so, I grabbed her and rushed her to the bathroom and set her on the toilet. She started to scream and shriek louder...I kept trying to shush her and at this point was sweating and remember I'm on zero sleep and I was on the verge of melting down. This was a small office too so EVERYONE was being affected by her screaming. I grabbed her and walked out of the office. I passed a mirror outside the elevator and saw my exhausted, sweating face, and the mineral makeup melting down my messed up cheek..I started bawling uncontrollably. My daughter and the lack of sleep and the mess that everything is just pushed me over the edge. I couldn't get it together for a while. I was embarrassed and angry and exhausted. So yeah. Such is life. I'm not a crier either, so the whole day was especially surreal for me. Today isn't much better honestly. I'm still exhausted and overwhelmed.
How is everyone else doing?
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