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LaiPt

Girls

It is embarrassing to say that I've never had a girlfriend.

There is only one thing I regret in my life so far. ..And that's not pursuing any girls. From a young age in kindergarten. I would play around with girls and put my hand on the laps of the girls I find pretty. (Is it sexual harassment if a toddler does it? lol)

Yes, even as a toddler I liked girls. I moved from one crush to another. Admiring from a distance. Like a creep lol..

I was even madly infatuated with one girl in my physics class in second year university and I didn't even know her name!

All I could do is admire her from the balcony of the auditorium. I couldn't concentrate in class and did horrible in it.

I am a very confident person. No kidding. I am. But when it comes to girls I like. I am the biggest loser of all time (or perhaps close to it).

I never pursued girls. Ever. I never asked ANY girl out before. And have only gone on one blind date set up by a friend. But that date still stings me whenever I think back to it.

I think I am relatively attractive from far. I do catch girls checking me out from afar.

But.....

I get the deepest of piercing pain in my chest whenever I'd ponder the slightest idea pursing any girl I like.

At times, in a rare instances. I would get a burst of confidence and my hopes rise high. But that great feeling is but a flash.

Once I look at myself in the mirror. All hope instantly fade.

I obsess about my bad skin. If you take a look inside my phone and you'll find hundreds upon hundreds and hundreds of close up shots of my mutilated scared skin with big pores under revealing light.

Anyone with trypophobia certainly can't bare to look at it.

Maybe I'll never get a girlfriend. I don't know what to do.. I'm trapped.

I don't know how I can get out of this barrier I've fallen myself into.

A barrier which grows stronger and stronger with the passage of time.

Leaving not much room to breathe.

Now at the age ... dare I say... 27, the barrier has gotten so strong I wonder if I have even the slightest possibility of getting out of it.

hmmmmmmmmmmm don't get me wrong. The barrier is bullet proof strong but.. it's paper thin.

The force of will can pierce better than a bullet, if one makes the leap of faith into the darkness. Not knowing if the darkness is covering a path to glory or leads to a sudden drop off a cliff.

I just have to GO FOR IT and directly pursue a girl with a full force of will and I'll instantly break out of this life long barrier.

(You can chip away at it slowly or you can bring it down instantly with one strong blow)

It is good practice you know. This experience will extend and make you pierce stronger in every area of your life.

It is very very very very hard but I believe you can do it Peter! It is within the realms of reality.

LaiPt

I Have Come A Long Way...

It has been quite a while since I've written a blog regarding my skin condition.

Over the past couple of years, I've narrowed it down to a few simple things I do to my skin.

I've narrowed it to three combined personal reasons why my skin looks as bad as it does.

1) Diet

A bad diet can indirectly cause an increased production of sebum and inflammation of the skin.

I've had a horrible diet ever since I was a young child and diet was probably the leading trigger that pushed me towards this whole struggle. From when I was in elementary school, I loved eating fatty foods; like burgers, fries, and candy; particularly chips and chocolates.

I could finish a whole grocery bag filled with junk food in a week. Plus my parents didn't cook particularly healthy, the meat category was my biggest serving size consumed and I drank lots of milk.

This type of diet is scientifically shown to be horrible for your skin condition.

Nowadays, I eliminated dairy and drastically reduced the amount of saturated fats I consume.

I am trying to eat more fruits and vegetables. My diet needs to be rich in essentially fats, vitamins and minerals. I am also trying to reduce the amount of simple carbohydrates I consume.

2) Physical trigger of Inflammation of the skin.

When my skin looks red, it means it's inflamed. It means the area is flushed with chemicals associated with inflammation, vasodilators and many other chemicals are abundant.

The skin on my face looks very different from the rest of my body. Not only is it more dry with acne, big pores and scars, but my skin tone looks more red. It looks like I have a mask on.

Inflammation of the skin can be reduced internally by having a healthier diet and also by reducing the amount of physical strain on my face.

One reason why my face looks as bad as it does is because I used to wash my face six or seven times per day.

This caused a tremendous amount of stress on my skin which increased inflammation. (it also striped the moisture barrier and may have caused permanent structural damage to my skin.)

I also washed and wiped my face roughly with hot water, again, causing inflammation to go up and stripping away my moisture barrier.

I've exposed my face regularly to very hot steam from the steam machine my parents bought. This may have permanently stripped away my moisture barrier and increased my sebum production.

I applied a lot of chemicals on my face, such as when I covered my face with benzyl peroxide. Used clindamycin, green cream or salicylic acid (oxy pads and various topical creams).

I also used great force to pop pimples and extract comedones from pores. This is probably the leading cause of my scars and large pores.

Nowadays, I wipe my face gently in the morning with a clean cloth soaked in room temperature water and wash when I take a shower with a very light cleanser, with focus on being gentle. I exfoliate every so often.

I try to extract my pores as sparsely as possible and being as gentle as possible, (first softening the comedones with the oil cleaning method and heat from showering or the steam machine)

3) Sebum Production

My face has always been oily since the earliest memory of oil on my face in grade 6, my forehead was covered in a slick of oil.

The oil production on my face has always been really high, particularly my nose. (I call my nose the oil factory powerhouse).

The only times when my sebum production has greatly diminished was when I took accutane in grade 11 and when I took it again illegally at the age of 25. My skin was also oil free when I was on the Daniel Kern Method for a couple of years in third and fourth year university. (benzyl peroxide) However, these methods were unsustainable.

I found that my oil production goes up when I am more harsh to my skin. If I regularly kept up with my routine, my oil production seemed to lower.

Decreasing my stress and having an adequate amount of sleep seemed to lower my oil production.

I seem to produce a lot of oil when I sleep, unless I've used oil reducing cream or expose my skin to very cool air.

Nowadays, I try to be gentle with my skin, but not being too gentle or else the oil won't wash away, I separate my washes as evenly as possible and I try to eliminate unnecessary stress and sleep adequately.

I blot my face with paper at times.

Having bad skin is the greatest misery within my life, it has prevented me from pursuing many things, particularly girls and academics. My self esteem and self confidence was constantly being challenged. I've spent a great deal of time looking at mirrors up close, especially 'truth mirrors' and being overwhelmed by deep piercing pain, sad emotions and a tremendous amount of ruminating thoughts, I've taken many long walks while ruminating about my skin with teary eyes. Bad skin has triggered thoughts of suicide, loss of hope and long stoic phases.

I stood far away from people when socializing, especially if I perceive them as physically judgmental or an attractive girl, I also stood far away when I know the light doesn't make my skin look so flattering (particularly fluorescence and bright lighting)

How far I stood was correlated to how bad the lighting or the attractiveness of the girl was

I got super nervous in those kind of situations. My mind races and my cognitive capacity drastically decreased.

I remember during one break out, I was super self conscious and nervous when I walked towards my desk to write an exam. I didn't do well. I got super nervous whenever a TA walked near my desk, I was afraid they were staring at my face.

Grade 11 to around third year was filled with horrible segments.

I've held back from bursting into tears when travelling on buses, and many times I've cried myself to sleep.

I was very psychologically unstable and my happiness correlated strongly with the condition of my face.

So many opportunities lost, from not speaking face to face with Jen Jen, to being super nervous when speaking to Samantha out in the sun.

I've had many mental break downs when staring at the mirror. I've gone crazy when extracting my nose. (sometimes at school). My head was low, I had a slouch and much of my speech was in monotone.

Many times, I thought my life was over, I wanted to run away from all of this. I wanted to die.

All this has made me dysmorphic, my skin is a lot better nowadays, but I still feel the lingering pain and negative self image acne has imposed on me.

I no longer feel so negative about my skin. I am a lot happier nowadays. My routine is built for sustainability and has drastically improved to near perfection for my particular skin condition in this particular segment of time.

But ... I still don't have the type of skin I long for.

There is nothing I can do but accept and move on, and that is what I am doing.

Just continue sticking to your routine, accept your bad skin and in the future, reduce your scars and get laser treatment or the similar to help to make your skin look a bit better.

The only problems I have now are pimples from time to time, mildly oily skin, plugged large pores and a few scars.

KEEP BEING SUPER GENTLE AND KEEP BEING SUPER PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY HEALTHY PETER

LaiPt

Moments in my life

I realized something, comparatively, I am very unhappy.

My professor in my class told us to write down scores of how happy we are on a scale of 100. So a score of 100 would mean out of 100 students randomly picked on the streets of UT I am the happiest. 0 Meaning I am the most unhappy person, I put down a score of 5.

The professor then tallied the scores and output an average of 65 for our class, normally she says happiness within the classes are in the 70s

I am quite unhappy. There are actually a lot of happy people. I have sort of forgotten how to truly be happy when surrounded by people. Part of my thoughts are always thinking about my complexion. It’s painful.

Currently only washing my face twice a week is making me break out. I don’t get why because reading about other people’s cases, when they stopped washing their faces they claim that they don’t break out. Initially I thought this was true, however, my skin is looking worse and worse by the day. It’s been almost 1 month since I’ve washed my face strictly twice per day with minimal use of tropical treatment. I can’t take it, my chin has broke out and looks extremely horrible, that is why my chin gave in, I am now using the 2.5% benzyl peroxide on my chin.

Today I was tapped on the back by the girl I’m interested in. I looked back and couldn’t really speak. She waved and walked away quickly, too quickly even for me to get a gaze on her. I was happy/sad at the same time. Happy that she said “hi†to me for the first time ever. Sad because I think she saw my face and noticed how old and flawed my skin is. I am seriously too skinny and my facial structure isn’t what it used to be.

Walking back from handing in my quiz, I gave her a stare and said in a quiet tone with the smallest smile “how’s it going?†She was looking at me, looked away and when she heard the question “replied, “good†with a slight giggleâ€. Maybe I am too analytical, but I replayed this situation in my head. Over and over again, analyzing how I did. Analyzing what she’d think. Wondering if she was disgusted by my chin/complexion.

I am funny aren’t I? I am 22 years old, and I am having internal struggles such as this. Magnifying little things to complex situations. Why? It’s because of my complexion.

One thing that makes me sad is, I sat in after class in a 1st year psychology class, the TA asked everyone if they remembered their first kiss to illustrate how our memory is improved by state of arousal.

I was surprised by the quantity of hands raised, ~90% of the students raised their hands through my observation. These are mostly 1st year students. I am 5 years older than them, and I have yet to kiss my first time. I can’t imagine myself kissing. Honestly, my pores are really bad on my face. If I was to get close to a girl like that…. Well I just can’t do it. Even the distance before the closing of the eyes is too close for comfort. She’ll be able to see everything every speck, ditch, scared pores, enlarged to beyond belief, some still clogged and oozing, some is red with dried blood. Sigh, I guess I am not meant to experience what people normally experience. Few people are just unfortunate and I just happen to be one of them.

This blog was written October 14th 2009

LaiPt

Depressed during Birthday

I am very sad, although I have significantly lowered the activity of my acne...I realized one thing.... I killed my skin.

The skin on my face is dead now.

I have used the regiment (my savior) offered on this site for more than a couple of years now and I realized one thing. It's killing my skin.

The reason for my continued use of the regiment even though I had no pimples is because it controlled my sebum production. I loved waking up and not feeling any sebum on my skin. I loved going on the whole day without a shiny slick of sebum on my skin.

With the regiment I felt like I was the king of the world.

However....

A month ago, I looked into the mirror and came to an epiphany that that the skin on my face looked really bad. Really dry, and when I smiled I would see wrinkles.. YES wrinkles!!! at age 22 (today's my brithday!!! :))..I suddenly realized that the regiment was killing my skin.

So I actually went off the regiment after a long period of use and it DID NOT go well. Within a week my skin was FILLED WITH OIL...it was SOOOO bad and SOOO much that oil was literally going into my eyes and onto my glasses.

After a bit of research (browsing around) I found that people who over wash their face seem to have an overproduction of sebum. Now I cannot state that there is a correlation...but based on personal observation...when ever I over used benzyl peroxide for a period of time I would have an oil slick on my face following discontinued use.

At the moment I am self testing a possible solution to decrease the production of sebum on my face. The solution is to not irritate it and use harsh chemicals (particularly drying agents), not to over wash, basically only use gentle face wash twice a day.

This did not go well... I go through 6-10 oil blotting sheets per day. It is horrible.. my facial skin looks horrible... but I will continue to perform this possible solution... hopefully it works and my oil production would be natural once again.

I am now planning to write a research paper on the effects of overuse of chemicals and the effect it has on sebum production. Based on my self observations and certain internet entries, there seems to be a possible correlation. It would be difficult to test for such an experiment, I will only gather data from the internet and perform a self test. (telling people to over wash face seems unethical), this is not going to be an official research paper, it will only be for fun.

Recently I'm quite sad, in my psychology class is a wonderful girl, a girl who seems perfect! Pretty, very smart, cute etc. I have been talking with her through email and have not actually had a conversation with her face to face. Every time as the class of the week approaches she would tell me to say hi to her in class, or basically talk to her.

I would love to talk with her, I WANT to talk with her, however I can't. My complexion is stopping me. I am afraid that once she sees my face she'd go "oh", and decrease her chances of liking me. One thing that really kills me inside is that she has flawless skin while I have big pores, a damaged nose, scars and extreme oily/dry skin. --> my complexion is so bad.

She has only seen me from a distance. As one knows that complexion is accurately seen up close. This prevents me from talking with her and gives me a lot of anxiety when ever I think of approaching her.

Hopefully when I DO talk with her face to face she can overlook my poor complexion. Unfortunately this is not usually the case. People usually DO notice complexions. I will try to talk with her in the dark hallway instead of outside.. I think if I was talking with her outside in the sunlight, I'd literally fry my brain with anxiety.

I hate my complexion, it's preventing me from doing what I WANT to do. I am an entrepreneur at heart, however this is stopping me! It's costing me my success, it's ruining my social life, my romance life, and yes... even my family life!.

There was one quote I read on this forum, it's why would she choose a car with scratches and dents? When she can choose a brand new car? (or some sort)... I literally cried when I read that. Life is unfair, crying about things won't make things better, some people are just going to cry forever, Hopefully I am not going cry forever, hopefully I will once again gain confidence and do what I WANT to do, pursue what I want to pursue and create what I want to create.

..... Why oh WHY MUST IT BE ME??!??!?!?!?!?

LaiPt

I AM VICTORIOUS! My acne is GONE! Although I still get a few pimples at times I still declare myself victorious! Strict diet, exercise, stress management, multivitamins, minerals, EFAs, gentle washing, state of mind, sleep regulation and the DK Regiment has helped me.

At the moment, I do not control myself as strictly as before and I have been off DK's Regiment and for a while, after I realized my victory.

You would expect that after such a victory that I'd be a happy person. I'd have NO inhibition in life. You'd expect that I would be a lot more confident and healthy-minded.

BUT NO! WHY?!?!?! AM I NOT FEELING IT?!?!?!?

WHY??!?!?!........because new implications have come to light. The reminiscence of acne still lingers on.

No it's not the red marks... those have faded through time.

No it's not brown marks... those have also faded through time.

These implications do not fade through time, they are "scars", "large pores" and "oily skin"

Scars, I have plans for it, I will implement a few of the techniques, starting with needling. I have heard great things about it.

As for oily Skin, I assume I'd have to accept the fact because it's permanent, I understand there there are certain factors that can slightly increase or decrease it, such as rise in stress level increases it, and intake of beta carotene decreases it.

BUT WHY?!?! do I have such oily skin? Why does my whole face get covered in a layer of sebum by the end of the day? So much that it gets into and irritates my eyes? Why can't the skin on my face be more like the skin on the rest of my body? Is it because of my genes? Or do my genes make me more susceptible to it? WHAT CAUSED THIS?!?!

Large pores...THAT is one my biggest demoralizing factors. I am inhibited by large pores on my nose and cheeks. The pores on my nose breaks my heart. It keeps my heart lonely and painful. It pushes my self esteem down, and erases my confidence. It gives me second thoughts about my competence in life. It makes me feel unattractive in general and repellent to girls.

Studies have shown that pore size is quite strongly correlated to the severity of oily skin. Seeing how my skin is SUPER oily, large pores are to be expected.

I hate how my nose is covered with scared pores. Do I squeeze out the contents from my pores? OR do I leave it in?

Squeezing it out will hurt my skin and cause scars. If I leave it in, it might enlarge and stretch my pores. I am always faced with this dilemma.

I am SOOOOOOO lonely in the realms of love, it hurts! Most definitely the cause of my skin imperfections and thought process.

I hope that I can overcome this and make friends with more girls.

Although I've won my battle with acne, I am still unsatisfied with my complexion.

Striving for flawless skin seems unrealistic. I guess I will forever fight in this never ending battle.

LaiPt

Life it seems is a constant fluctuation between ups and downs.

Yesterday I cried.

Today I am happy. I am happy because of numerous reasons.

One reason is that I received confirmation that I am not alone.

Acne, effects millions and millions of people.

There ARE people that feel like me. Who are also on the struggle to win the battle.

I signed out a few acne books from the library and I feel a lot happier after reading some "life and their struggle with acne" stories written by acne sufferers. Reading these stories gives me hope. When I read that the person is clearing up I feel hope, when I read that the person is breaking out, I feel that I am not alone and that leads to me feeling happy.

Another reason is the beginning of Project CS in my life (CS for Clear Skin), I have declared that as of today I WILL be on a strict lifestyle that leads to healthy clear skin. Diet, exercise, ways of washing face, knowledge, EVERYTHING will be controlled. Hopefully this will give me an edge in fighting this battle.

"Healthy skin is universally accepted as beautiful" This is just a regurgitation of a quote I read from one of the books. I WANT to achieve it, but then there is still the reminisce of acne on my face. S-c-a-r-s... but I know I will do anything I can to make them less apparent in the future. I can't wait until the day when I have no acne, and what's left is scars. I really wonder if I will ever be fully be content with my skin complexion....

At the moment, I am just waiting for my savior to arrive at my door.... the regiment from this acne.org site. In the past I've had many saviors, dermatologists, hand held blue light devices, minocyclin and more, but all has failed. I am just questioning whether this proclaimed "amazing regiment" will actually be the savior I've always been looking for. Some of the previous FAKE saviors had the same vibe... only adding to the already strong learned helplessness.

I almost forgot to mention one other thing that made me happy, as I parked my car in the parking lot of the library, I looked into the mirror, and the mirror showed me how much scars I have on the left side of my face. I suddenly felt extremely sad and because of this sadness, I start to have little control over my life. So I suddenly had a craving for Tim Horton's Breakfast sandwich (to relieve this sadness). However, I had already declared that I will not give in to this latte factor temptation and let Tim Hortons steal $3 by $3. As I was driving to Tim Hortons, I suddenly screamed "NO" inside my head and I U turned back to the library with a proud smile on.

LaiPt

Breakout on the Bus

Here I sat on the bus wondering, what I would have became without this wretched and wicked inhibition of life, my hopes, my great dreams and even my good looks where all shattered.

What could I have become without it? What have I missed out on? What is life like.. without fear and self consciousness? And YES I have tried to use "will power" to over come this dreaded feeling. But the more I suppressed, the more it pushed back and the more I felt how I didn't want to feel. Behind my fake smile is just a clouded mind. Which during conversation, is trying to answer one question, "Is the person looking at me? Or the LARGE zit on my face?". Why oh WHY must it be me? I looked up shyly at all the lucky ones, wondering, just thinking.....

The tension of thought was broken as the bus came to a stop, the next batch of passengers came aboard, the cold seat next to me was about to feel warmth of the soft buttocks of a pretty young lady. She is my type, yes I can tell. But I can't see her well...I have tilted my head in a direction such that she would not be disgusted by my plentiful imperfections of my face....

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