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+ forehead bumps

my forehead bumps had improved when i stopped using hats and hoods but these past few days they're back to looking like milia and it's really bothering me. could it be because of the burt's bees shampoo, my bangs or is it really just because it's winter? :rolleyes:

i'm not changing my regimen though. i'm gonna be keeping it for at least a month before i make any modifications and before answering dan's survey (you'll see it on the store page of acne.org salicylic acid).

diet-wise, i'm eating breakfast cereals again (not gluten-free) because the smoothies are cold and i feel like i need to eat more, and more often to keep my body warm during this winter season. i think i'm experiencing mild SAD (seasonal affective disorder) symptoms - increased appetite, strong cravings for strong tastes (sweet, salty), sadness, loss of interest in activities i usually enjoy, irritability and thoughts of death. :dance: luckily i was able to get up early this morning (around 7:30AM) to start the day right. later i might go to trader joe's or safeway to get something healthy for my comfort food, and maybe buy a bottle of co-q10 as well (i hope it's on sale 'cause it's so expensive).

shampoo-wise, i was wrong about burt's bees super shiny grapefruit and sugar beets shampoo. the itchiness of scalp comes back, although it's mild. it gets worse if i skip a day of washing my hair. but the shampoo doesn't make my flake problem any worse either. there's actually a little improvement, compared to using home health unscented anti-dandruff shampoo.

answerme

+ interesting observations

CHEST ACNE

after shower tonight, i noticed that the milia/whiteheads and the tiny red papules on my chest are almost gone - more like a 90% improvement. :dance: the only regimen i have been using on it is:

  • wash & scrub with canus unscented goat's milk soap bar & puff scrub
  • apply acne.org salicylic acid

i've been doing this for at least once every other day, for a little more than 2 weeks now.

HAIR & FLAKES

i've used burt's bees shampoo (grapefruit and sugar beets) for only 2 days now and i'm amazed to see that it seemingly has gotten rid of the subtle scalp itchiness and even the minor flake problem. also, my hair feels and smells so clean, unlike with other commercial shampoos. the only thing is, it does not get rid of the frizziness. but that's what my acne.org jojoba oil is for. :rolleyes: i first cleanse my hair with the shampoo, then wash it off, then use jojoba oil on my hair shaft and scalp. then i rinse again, shampoo for the second time, then rinse it off. i have to shampoo twice 'cause otherwise, my hair gets excessively greasy afterwards.

DRY BODY SKIN

i use eucerin aquaphor for severely dry skin. i've been using it on my heels, which used to have cracked skin, and lower legs, which used to be leathery. it works. but it does leave a very sticky feeling on your skin and hands which ordinary soaps don't get rid off. i tried using acne.org cleanser to wash it off my hands and it worked. :dance:

answerme

+ burt's bees: new shampoo

so i had to buy new shampoo yesterday because i accidentally tossed my Home Health into the toilet. <ahttp://static.acne.org/ipb_uploads/emoticons/default_rolleyes.gif' alt=':rolleyes:'> unfortunately, i couldn't go to the store on Judah where my brother got the shampoo so I had to choose from the ones available at Trader Joe's and Walgreens. None of the anti-dandruff ones was a healthy option for me so i settled for Burt's Bees Super Shiny Grapefruit & Sugar Beet Shampoo instead. i chose it over the other burt's bees shampoos because it does not list "fragrance" as one of the ingredients.

when i got home, i looked it up at Skin Deep's cosmetic database to see how irritating it could be to my skin or overall health. surprisingly, it got a low score of 1, which is great and very low compared to Home Health Everclean Unscented Antidandruff Shampoo, which scored 4. hopefully i don't get breakouts from the new shampoo.

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adverse reactions: none

skin condition: during the first week, i noticed that i developed a few, like 1-2 at a time, tiny pustules in different areas - cheek, chin - at different times. i had never had those pustules for probably more than a year. however, the SA is able to fix the problem within 2-3 days.

my forehead and temples, however, is not improving that much. it still has a lot of tiny flesh-colored papules. i'm attributing the problem to my frequent use of hats and hoodies this fall season, as i also have bangs. i'm gonna try to get rid of that hat and hood factor first starting this day.

my pores are looking slightly better, particularly the lateral part of my cheeks. they used to look rough and bumpy on a magnified level.

i also noticed that sometimes there were micro-sized white "grains" on a few spots of my face. i'm thinking that those were clogs from my pores which the SA brought out to the surface. :rolleyes:

diet: for about 4 days now, i haven't been eating cold cereals. i'm drinking green smoothies instead on a 3-4 cups a day basis.

answerme

So 3 days after I placed the order, I got my SA tube. I haven't used any BP or AHA on my face since December 2nd, except this morning when I applied a small amount of Dan's BP on the upper part of my forehead where there are still some small bumps. I used it tonight (December 5) after washing with Dan's cleanser and so far, i haven't had any adverse reaction. <ahttp://static.acne.org/ipb_uploads/emoticons/default_tongue.png' alt=':P'> I applied some of Dan's moisturizer and VMV sun-&-light screen afterwards though.

answerme

today i haven't used dan's BP or AHA. i've been contemplating about my skin's texture -- why my pores are enlarged, why there's micro-bumps/dents/swelling -- and why i have hyperpigmented spots on the cheeks. what really took my time was my enlarged pores. i thought amongst all my skin problems right now, the enlarged pores on my front cheeks, nose and forehead are what's really bothering me even more than my possibly life-threatening medical diagnosis.

so i wondered what led to it -- genetic predisposition (my parents, and grandparents on my mom's side have enlarged pores), history of harsh facials, use of harsh chemical products, oily skin, extractions. could they really be "scarred pores"? i hate to think of it that way cause that means i will still have to wait for the cosmetic industry to publicize about a treatment especially for scarred pores (and not scarred skin). it sounds hopeless when there's still a lot of people who are unhappy with the many available scar treatments in the market.

anyways, i then compared those affected areas of my skin with the other areas like the chin, lateral sides of the face, temples, nose bridge. i thought the chin and the temples don't have enlarged pores even though they were almost as much treated as my cheeks, nose and forehead. so maybe it's the oiliness that makes the pores of forehead, cheeks and nose enlarged? my chin isn't oily. it's dry. looking at my experience with accutane, i know that during the treatment, my pores were less visible, although they still were a bit enlarged. so maybe, oiliness causes sebum to swell up deep down the pores, and keeps the pores looking big unless you get the clog out of them. manual extraction does that but i don't think it is able to reach into the deeper parts so that might even make the problem worse.

so how about the oil-dissolving salicylic acid (SA)? i've tried it while i was on my 2nd course of accutane and maybe that was a big contributing factor to my pores being less visible at that time? i used a serum product with 3% concentration of SA. can serum reach the deepest part of the pore? i don't know. serum is kinda thick. but does the consistency of the liquid/suspension even affect the effectiveness of salicylic acid on clogged pores?

i just ordered dan's new product of salicylic acid this morning. i just had the strong urge to get myself a salicylic product again. i feel so terrible about my pores, even though i don't seem to have any terrible active zit for a few days now, thanks to dkr for that. i'll give it a try and if it fails, there are other SA products in the market for me to try-- paula's choice, queenbeesauce, etc. -- or i can even buy another bellapelle chiara serum (if i have enough money then).

P.S.

i know i should have placed this entry in my official org log (please look for my signature for the link) but i placed this in here anyway because i want to keep my new posts to the official log more concise like in a summarized final form. the entries in here will be used for the more detailed monitoring. here, i can describe my experience in a less structured way.

answerme

+ late goodbye

i just found out that rico blanco of rivermaya left the band. he was a member and composer for more than 10 years i believe.

my favorite song of the band, and my favorite version:

214 (some say it means feb 14)

and here's bamboo's version (bamboo used to be the vocalist before rico blanco took that place)

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+ terribly desperate

i've done some things that were not right and i didn't mean to cause any injury. i was just ignorant and inexperienced. i've been feeling terribly sorry to that person for about 3 days now. i wish i could tell that person about it but i don't think it's even appropriate to bring it up. ;)

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+ I'm So Sick

I'm So Sick

by Flyleaf

I will break into your thoughts

With what's written on my heart

I will break

Break

I'm so sick, infected with

Where I live

Let me live without this

Empty bliss, selfishness

I'm so sick

I'm so sick

If you want more of this

We can push out, sell out, die out

So you'll shut up (shut up)

And stay sleeping

With my screaming in your itching ears

I'm so sick, infected with

Where I live

Let me live without this

Empty bliss, selfishness

I'm so sick

I'm so sick

Hear it, I'm screaming it

You're heeding to it now

Hear it, I'm screaming it

You tremble at this sound

You sink into my clothes

This invasion makes me feel

Worthless, hopeless, sick

I'm so sick, infected with

Where I live

Let me live without this

Empty bliss, selfishness

I'm so, I'm so sick

I'm so sick, infected with

Where I live

Let me live without this

Empty bliss, selfishness

I'm so (I'm so)

I'm so sick (I'm so sick)

I'm so (I'm so)

I'm so sick (I'm so sick)

.....exactly what im feeling. people who play with other people's feelings make me sick. f**k em.

answerme

"when dealing with psych (confused or mentally impaired) patients, you need to be secure with all your insecurities. you need to be comfortable being yourself."

-my new Medical Surgical Nursing teacher

that's an ongoing battle for me almost my entire life. and now...what am i gonna do? i don't mind having all these imperfections for years if i don't feel the need to impress anyone.

i have a new friend, actually more like a "secret" admirer. but i still don't think im someone any guy like him would find that attractive. i just saw myself again in the mirror under the bright day light in the bathroom a while ago, and, again, i felt terrible about my skin texture - pores are big, dents and raised scars on nose and chin, hyperpigmentations everywhere that appear obvious a few feet away. it's been troubling me coz i feel like he has great expectations of me (with regards to physical appearance at least), even though he seems like a nice, understanding, responsible, smart guy. the main problem is although it appears to me we're beginning to like each other more, i don't feel good/beautiful enough for someone like him. :wavey: sounds shallow but it's a real weakness of me.

answerme

+ blaming the self

im beginning to realize that a lot of my negative thoughts, including those that i consider pretty much suicidal, are manifestions of me blaming myself for the things that have been happening that i don't appreciate. it's not that i never sensed that in my thoughts of giving up i hated myself and the things i had done, but i really never thought before that the other sources of my sadness, even the shallowest ones, are deeply rooted in feelings that are not really just hateful towards the events, but more importantly, hateful towards myself because i felt i wasn't good enough during those times.

now looking at my self from a distance, i can see that i've been cruel with myself, as if during those times of difficulties or crisis, i wanted to abandon, if not punish, myself. this realization tells me to look at my complete being with my strengths, weaknesses, mistakes, limitations, joys, pain with acceptance and love; love because i've had myself my whole life and only i can look after me in the closest & maybe the best way possible.

i didn't choose to look at things this way just to make myself feel better. it's just almost like an insight and i'm happy to have come to this understanding of how i've been treating myself and my need to be nurturing and kind towards myself.

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+ Flyleaf

the band rocks!!! <3 the voice+song+bass! watch the vids at:

Fully Alive

Telling layla's story spoken

About how all her bones are broken

hammers fall on all the peices

two months in the cover creases

Fully alive, more than most

ready to smile and love life.

Fully alive and she knows

How to believe in futures.

All my complaints shrink to nothing.

I'm ashamed of all my somethings.

She's glad for one day of comfort

Only because she has suffered.

Fully alive, more than most

ready to smile and love life.

Fully alive and she knows

How to believe in futures.

I'm So Sick

I will break into your thoughts

With what's written on my heart

I will break, break

I'm so sick, infected with

Where I live

Let me live without this

Empty bliss, selfishness

I'm so sick

I'm so sick

If you want more of this

We can push out, sell out, die out

So you'll shut up

And stay sleeping

With my screaming in your itching ears

I'm so sick, infected with

Where I live

Let me live without this

Empty bliss, selfishness

I'm so sick

I'm so sick

Hear it, I'm screaming it

You're heeding to it now

Hear it, I'm screaming it

You tremble at this sound

You sink into my clothes

This invasion makes me feel

Worthless, hopeless, sick

I'm so sick, infected with

Where I live

Let me live without this

Empty bliss, selfishness

I'm so, I'm so sick

I'm so sick, infected with

Where I live

Let me live without this

Empty bliss, selfishness

I'm so (I'm so)

I'm so sick (I'm so sick)

I'm so (I'm so)

I'm so sick (I'm so sick)

answerme

+ fear & distress

it seems like the lump in my operated seno has gotten a little bigger and harder. even though ive always told myself that i've no fear of dying, i feel like crying when i think of the possibility of getting cancer. i'm not sure why but i guess it's because i want to live my life more. i want to spend more time with my family. i want to learn a lot more. i just feel like haven't lived my life to the fullest. anyways, i guess i am scared to have cancer because i am scared of experiencing any kind of pain and also of losing any part of my body. i feel like things wouldn't be normal again if any -ectomy takes place.

it's distressing to hide this from my parents. i don't want them to worry about my health and the financial costs. i don't have an insurance. i don't have a job. i tried inquiring about free to low-cost screenings but with no luck. i have to keep looking.

god this is hard. i keep thinking if i don't get to work any sooner i might have to wait until i complete my studies which is 10 months from now.

answerme

+ Swingset Chain

Swingset Chain

by Loquat

There's a playground that we used to run on

The penny-drop that broke her arm

The monkey bars that you fell from

The swingset chain that stuck with my tongue

It's thirty below and we're far gone

If you plant yourself here I wouldn't miss you for long

But then comes the day when you leave town

I'm back to the way I was when you weren't around

If you want to know what that was like

I'll tell you first, it was way too quiet

It rained a hundred nineteen days of the year

I spent my time falling down the stairs

I know I can't tie you to a leash

But something tells me you'd go further than Greece

And then I'll have to figure out what to do

I'm kind of afraid I'm co-dependent on you

I'm freaking out that we've started breaking down

Before momentum picked up

Now all these doors are locked

The trees trick you 'cause they're always standing still

If time was really racing by

You could see it when you drive

There's a rooftop deck where we still hang out

A couple of bars where we're not allowed

The roller-skates that threw you on your face

The park on the hill which was our only space

The fog is fast and it rolls right in

About the time I struck my first fifth of gin

I really don't mean to complain too much

But this is turning me into quite the lush

I'm freaking out that we're running out of time

But to do what?

Should I stop and think of that?

Is there something I could do to slow it down?

Live in a day for once

Instead of watch it screaming by

You're a dandelion seed

That flies through the air

And lands randomly

Then disappears

x2

I'm freaking out that we've started breaking down

Before momentum picked up

Now all these doors are locked

The trees trick you 'cause they're always standing still

If time was really racing by

You could see it when you drive

*listen to it here: http://www.myspace.com/loquat

answerme

+ headache

i hate my f*kng room. im sharing it with my bro and 75% of the space is filled with his mess. i hate the fact that he's older and yet so irresponsible in a sense that he'd rather waste his earned money on his damn unproductive hobby which is very evident in almost every corner of the room than spend it on the more important/urgent necessities. :wavey: im wishing hard that we can find a new 3BR place so i don't have to put up with all this clutter.

on the other hand, i understand that my family's in a sort of financial crisis with me and my bro studying "full-time" and only our parents working plus the loan payment & house/car management in the phils, my previous medical expenses, the cr-v, support for my mom's parents, etc. etc. damn. i want a part-time job. i know it's very rare but where else can i find a 1-day part-time job like my friend's??? although it's more likely that im putting my studies at high risk if ever i do get even a part-time job but i sometimes feel like it's the only way i can have the sense of freedom that i've been craving for.

about the thing with my mom's parents... i don't mean to be selfish but i seriously want to avoid our relatives from that side coz i don't want to be milked. it's like almost every single one of them would do so (or ask me to tell my parents about it) when i get into contact with them. i know we have more than what they have but we have so much debt to pay for that we can't even save enough to spend quality time with each other and get a place comfortable enough for all of us. also, i feel like that's all they want from us. sometimes i wonder, why can't they see us just as their plain relatives for once and not always as providers? for me, it's either avoid them completely or make myself filthy rich to get them out of poverty (but i know money isnt all that's necessary to do that. coz it's still more likely they'd waste it all).

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+ break

i need a break to sort out some things... actually, a lot of things. i hope i can stay off the boards long enough.

P.S. i messed up the publish date of my previous blog entries. :wavey:

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:|

i felt ugly at school today. we were having lunch when my bro told one of our friends, who was applying some medicated concealer on her zit, to just pop it. then my friend said in reply, "no it will make a hole in my face." i wanted to bury my head in the ground. :wavey:

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+ d awkwardness

unprepared unexpected unused unsteady uncalled unfair uncontrollable unreasonable unsatisfied uno uncounter unaphylaxis und uncontinence

:wavey:

seriously. i wish i can describe it more.

is it just me or :D went overboard?

all the same, i shouldnt be worried right?

after all, i aint trying to impress anyone.

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