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soulless

My Experience with Accutane(mental problems)

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Ive been on accutane for about 5-6 months now and it has cleared me up pretty much completely. I am now only left with the red marks and the emotional scars which are even worse.

Ive had acne since i was around 12 up until now, im 19. So a good 7 years of suffering. A naturally quiet kid acne did nothing to help me overcome my shyness. I never spoke up in class and usually sat in the back of the class or next to the wall. There are literally hundreds of days where i went to class without saying a single word all day. I sat by myself at lunch and pretty much was in my own little hellish world at school and at home.

But anyway before accutane i was definately depressed and paroniod with homicidal and suicidal thoughts and all that good stuff. But for the most part it wasnt 2 bad compared to some people.

However, ever since taking accutane i cant handle anything!! When im not in work or school im at home sitting alone in the dark with a devasting mix of sadness and angry rage that would have me in the mental institution in a second. And when im in school or at work or out in the world im in another hell. I hAVE AN EXTREME case of SOCIAL ANXIETY and i cant even look people in the eye without getting teary eyed or angry and every time i see a person whose happy or confident or any person who i feel are better than me it makes just want to fucking kill them. I want to kill every person who doesnt move out my way when im walking or that cuts in the line and all that other petty bullshit. I espiacally want to kill teenagers and couples. I really fucking hate those fucking couples. I dont know why i feel like this but i do. Maybe its because i feel i can never be better than them so the only way to solve that problem is to kill them. who knows. The only people who i dont feel like killing are people like us, suffering with a disease that we cant help but have. We are only blessed with one life and we have to be cursed with this fucking disease. Fuck GOD if he is real, but i doubt he is.

BUt i really need to stop now because i will go on forever and waste everybodies time. Its just that im not sure if accutane was the cause of all this homicidal/suicidal rage and attempts or if it was meant for me all along.

But either way accutane is a "miracle cure" and id rather be depressed without acne than depressed with it. However if you have or think you may have mental problems i might be skeptical about taking it.

Other side effects included of course the dry lips and nose bleeds, nothing else.

I know i left out a lotta stuff so let me know if you have any questions about my life, thoughts, or experience with accutane.

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To get a better view of my life just watch the movie "Taxi Driver". I am virtually identical to the main character Travis Bickles. Even down to the hippocritical views of sex and violence down to taste in weapons.

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souless,

what kind of acne did you have before your course, cystic, pimples, blackheads,whiteheads?

i'm glad ithas helped. i know what you are feeling, don't feel like you are alone. i wish things were different too, hang in there!

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I am currently taking accutane as well -- only about a month into my treatment. I have also found the drug to alter my mood. Before taking the drug I was very very relaxed, hardly ever enraged. However, after taking the drug I feel as though I'm going through puberty for a second time. I would not say that I am depressed at all, nor suicidal or homicidal, but I do feel much more emotional. I am much more easily enraged now, both in good ways and bad. Overall, I woud say that its not an enjoyable side effect, though I am excited (a good thing) much more easily. It just sorta like a second round of puberty, so in a way Im reliving my youth, even though puberty was only a couple a years ago.haha. I do think that accutane affects every individual differently and in some causes severe depression, worse than before the drug, in which case they should stop. But for most, i think the depression before the acne is much worse than any emotional side effect of the drug. I know I am much more self-confident after a month on the drug; I can only imagine how I'll feel after two months! :cry:)

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Roy, no disrespect here, but why would you bother asking this poor fellow what kind of acne he had? Seems pointless.....

You know, despite all of Travis' obvious flaws (felt the need to get rid of all of the trash in New York, perverted sexuality, cluelessness when it came to women, etc.), he really was one of the most sympathetic characters in movie history. Here he comes to the United States to live the "American dream", only to find himself trapped in the epitome of loneliness and a faceless, indifferent existence: that of a taxi driver. He just wanted to feel love and be loved, but was scorned by most everybody, a man who was to drive everybody from Point A to Point B. He wasn't a brilliant man by any means, not even a smart one for that matter, but remember how he treats the Jodi Foster prostitute? This is a man with a heart and good intentions, just made sick of all the crap he has gone through, all the pointless lives that are lived when he just yearns to be like all those that he sees.........he really is all of us at our darkest hour when fear and anger overcome us......

I have no advice to give you, soulless. Having a family member stricken with manic depression, I know how ultimately fruitless all of our words to you can be. I would suggest that you stop blaming the Accutane solely for your problems since you yourself admit your introverted nature prior to your Accutane course.

We can't really help you here; we can give soothing words of assurance, but you're going to have come to accept that your attitude towards life is the worst one you can have and seek somebody to help. I'm sure, much like Travis, you are a good person whose life has taken what will seem like a terrible turn for the worse, mostly due to the extreme loneliness and isolation he experienced.

Trust me, how you have felt, I have felt many times. It's just a matter of coming to terms as to who we really are, but you need other people to guide you......

Take care.

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i apologize i wasn't trying to sound insenstive.

i only asked that to make him feel better that the accutane has clear his complexion, to make him feel better

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Do not worry Roy im not offended at all by what you said. I doubt i can be offended by anything you guys say for you are the few people that i really care for. You are my people and i will defend you to the upmost. If i ever seen someone talking shit to you id probably beat the shit out of them and maybe even kill them unfortunately.

But anyway I had pimples blackheads, whiteheads and a few csysts pretty much all over my body. It started on my big nose in 6th grade and eventually spread all over my face, down my neck, chest, all over my back and even on my forearms. I remember girls used to ask me if i was coming down with a case of the chicken pox on my forearms. ANd the really sad thing is that i work out and have a good body but it doesnt matter because i was covered in zits. Its like having a corvette with a bunch of scratches and dents an stuff, just a waste.

And i agree with you about Travis Bickles. He was a symphathetic man and had a lot of heart with good intentions. I am the same way. I have a huge heart and put other people first before me, very unselfish. I even tried to become normal and get a girl like he did, failed like he did, and now i got a gun like he did and i hope against hope that i dont end up like him.

The sad thing is that im going to become even more like him this summer. My parents and family will be moving away and i will have to stay here to finish college. So I, like Travis, will have to live on my own in an apartment even further isolated from the world. My family is really the only thing that has held me back from taking that final step into total insanity. I hope that when im done taking this last month of accutan that maybe i can become normal, like other people, but who knows. The fact is that bad things like death and suicide happen to other people, i really dont see what makes me so special that i will be one of the lucky ones that make it?

THank you for all your support and care. It means a lot. You are my people. Together nothing can stop us.

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Thanx a lot for the positive speech and your positive story sunshine. But as we all know it will take a significant life changing event to get me turned in the right direction since it was many bad life changing events which shaped me.

I agree with everything you said except for the playing field part. I think life is more like a ratrace where certain people not only start ahead of everybody else but some people have less obstacles to go threw to reach the finish line. Some obstacles are supereasy for some people while those same obstacles may seem impossible to others. Unfortunately for me every obstacle seems impossible. The point is that were all equal is bullshit. THe FACT is that we are not and will never be equal. Certain people are born "better" with there natural abilities or strength or height or clear face. ANd while i admire and am jeolous of positive attitudes for one to believe in them realistically to me is ludicrous, but thats coming from the mind of a fucking lunatic.

Thank you for your input and support. Its greatly appreciated.

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Hi Souless,

I can't help but to write to you and beg you to get some help.....i know what you are feeling having been instituted twice in the past 10 years....you have major depression my friend. It is not a bad thing...you can't help it, you were born with it.....i've been you. and i was so close to hurting someone or myself it wasn't funny. Nobody ever took me serious!!! and you are serious!! your not just spouting off are you? I KNOW.....

please understand that these feelings you have are not the real you......and the sun CAN shine again. IT really can!! I hope that you can have somebody near you that won't try to judge you who can listen to your needs and really make the step to help you.

I know hospitalization sounds scary, but, it was actually something that was the absolute opposite. In fact when they told me i was going home i bawled like a baby cuz i thought that only the people in there were the only people who really understood me. Its a long road but it can happen for you. Please, if you ever need anyone to talk to please feel free to email [email protected] i don't judge, cuz i'm just like you, like many others out there. hang in there!!!! people care. REALLY!!!!

amy

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