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I just realised that because I'm so uninteresting, yet so negative and pessimistic all the time, all I can say to most people is negative shit, and I cant find the willpower or energy to change. Nobody likes that. So I'll always be alone, just as I've feared.

Also I didn't want to post this because I know that shithead Marino is going to come in here and cause trouble, even though I try to stay out of his threads. *sigh* I just felt too crap not to..

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Wow. You just stated - exactly - word for word - EXACTLY what I was feeling and saying to myself last night. I'm not kidding - word for fucking word.

Thank you.

If for nothing else, for being brave enough to write out something that I wanted to write out.

I know this isn't comferting, but it's comferting to me to know someone else out there sometimes lands exactly where I am, emotionally.

Hang in there - and keep writing. That's what the emo forum is for.

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Well.. yay for you.. I guess..

Once again I don't know why I'm posting. This is just me seeking attention in the end, and I doubt anybody will be able to offer true help.

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I already "just flow".. People have been getting to me my whole life and I have absolutely no worth at all. I'm going to be alone because I'm worthy of nobody and I don't know how to get out of this state of mind.. Theres something wrong with the way I think, I don't know how to fix it.. Help me. :(

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....maybe the point isn't "true help". Maybe the point is to just get the shit out of your head and outside of you - even for just a little while. We go crazy when it's all inside - the typical bottled pressure situation.

I'm not kidding when I say that I feel you today. Felt that way so much last night that I spent hours trying not to cry.

So my heart goes out to you, Beejay. I know it isn't a cure, but please know you are not alone.

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Yeah well... You're an attractive girl gamer, thats a rare thing in itself, I'd be content if I were you.

I can't be happy with .. this. I've always had others judge my worth, my own belief in myself never meant anything to me. I look to others for reaffirmation constantly to feel as though I'm worth something, so I really don't think I can function alone much longer, but theres no way I'm going to be able to find someone either.

I'm completely doomed..

edit: This state of mind is a result of my bottled pressure and feeling of loneliness, I think.. But even when I walk around, relatively content, if I stop to think I know things are shit. Throwing out these words every few weeks doesn't seem to help me at all, once I'm done I just go back to my mundane life until the next episode of inevitable pain. Something has to change, and I don't know how to do it.

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Guest PokaHotAz

why do u feel ur so negative, BJ? cuz from the looks of it...it cant be ur acne.. ... *sigh... really wish i could ...

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I feel I'm negative because I am.. I tended to think I was being realistic in regards to what I am, but people tell me I'm negative all the time. I must be.. Acne might not be a huge problem for me anymore, but there are plenty more it seems.

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Oh man. I got a whallop of that yesterday, too. Feeling just fine, talking like I always do - and out of nowhere, I was told "Geez, Teressa, don't you have anything to talk about that doesn't include horrible stories about your childhood and drug abuse?"

And.......he was right.

I often don't.

I feel very justified in talking about it regurarly - but very few other people feel justified in *hearing* about it. It puts people off, it's uncomfertable, it's gross and disturbing.

So by proxy, that means *I* put people off, I make people uncomfertable, and *I* am gross and disturbing.

And that really hurts, because I don't know what to do about it. Can I change it? Yes, but not without sacrificing something that I feel is important to me (telling my story). Do I want to change it? No. And yes - because I want people to like me.

What am I going to do about it? I don't know. Figure out what the middle road is. Try and find a way of sharing that isn't so awful to others but somehow gives me what I need, too.

It's not going to be easy and I'm bound to fuck up every now and then. But I'm going to try - there's got to be a middle road.

I believe there is, Beejay. I'll believe it for both of us today, if you need that.

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Guest PokaHotAz

hmm..sounds cliche n gay but ...try n think happy thoughts..do things that u truly enjoy...

well im feeling bitchy...i head out to the ebach ...i sit there n think...n try n change my attitude... sometimes i sit at a bus stop n just start up random conversations w/ strangers about anything...

its about trying to improve urself...at least u can admit that u r a negative person n u dont like feeling this way anymore....

its all a state of mind, im sure u know this.... why dont u try researching on the net about negativity n how u can change that...

the net always has valuable info... try it...doesnt help to try...dont just think a certain way...try n be open about things... it wont hurt ya n it wont kill ya :)

hope u can at least try this... its only a couple of typed words away... ;)

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At least you'll try Elsewhere..

This is exactly the problem I'm trying to explain. I often feel depressed and I realise my situation in life sucks, I can come to conclusions of things I could do to fix my situation. But I won't do anything at all! How the fuck do I change this way of thinking?!

Like just now, you say I should go research negativity, but I won't.. I know I won't. Why won't I? I don't even know. Apparently, even though I'm horribly depressed so often and I hate my life, I must be fine with it, because I won't make the effort to change. It's a terrible catch 22 situation. If anyone knows of the mystical piece of wisdom that might snap me out of this, please tell me..

I just don't understand myself at all..

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There is no mystical recipe. There is nothing but the day by day grind - for better and for worse, that is what we have.

Perhaps what you might need is some proffesional help. I'm thinking of looking into that for myself, lately.

When all seems darkest, remember that you have not lost yourself. Your typing this out proves it - all is not lost, or else you would not be here, this moment, discussing it. And when the problem IS "yourself", recognize the power of human change. We always think it's impossible to change because the progress is so slow - we think we aren't making any progress.

But we are. It's just in such small steps that they are invisible to the naked eye.

But those small steps are exactly what carries us foward. Nothing happens in great leaps and bounds - it's through dragging ourselves through the mud that we gain movement.

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Guest Gentle~Rain

Well.. yay for you.. I guess..

Once again I don't know why I'm posting. This is just me seeking attention in the end, and I doubt anybody will be able to offer true help.

:comfort:

Don't think of it as seeking attention, what you are doing is seeking comfort and comradery- two things that are healthy and human....when you reach out to others, others reach out in return....keep reaching, even if the attempt seems small.

:wub:

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The day by day grind is another part of the problem Elsewhere. How can I change if tomorrow, I wake up, not feeling so introspective and maybe in not such a bad mood, and contently wander about my mundane and lonely life, with my empty future? The only way I can see myself changing is if I can constantly have the intense need for change in my head at all times, and a presence of heavy thought of the problem.

Otherwise I'll fall into complacancy and I'll come back to this again. How can I stay vigilant enough that I can actually make the changes I want to?

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I think you're overthinking it, Beejay. I do that all the time. You can't decide not to do something on the basis that you might decide you don't want to do it later. (well, when it's a good and healthy thing you want to do).

Life changes, of that we can be sure.

But it doesn't have to erase us.

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Guest Gentle~Rain

The day by day grind is another part of the problem Elsewhere. How can I change if tomorrow, I wake up, not feeling so introspective and maybe in not such a bad mood, and contently wander about my mundane and lonely life, with my empty future? The only way I can see myself changing is if I can constantly have the intense need for change in my head at all times, and a presence of heavy thought of the problem.

Otherwise I'll fall into complacancy and I'll come back to this again. How can I stay vigilant enough that I can actually make the changes I want to?

What do you want your future to be? Sometimes it helps to actually sit down with pen and paper and write it out....then think of things you can do to work towards that goal. Sometimes our goals are so very vague, it helps to clarify them. The hardest thing in life to do is to not let your emotions run your life....because lets face it, emotions are so very fickle!!! When you know what you need to do, you do it each day....wether that day is "good" or "bad"...also try to remember that knowbody is content with their lives 100% of the time and there will be times of great unrest, this is all a normal part of the life process.

*Gumby's advice may seem silly, but actually it's full of great wisdom....forcing yourself out of the safe little box we entomb ourselves in may seem too radical, yet may be just what you need. Sometimes we are our own worst enabler.

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Thats another thing I need help with, controlling emotions.. I often come to very rational decisions, but can't act on them because I don't feel like it. Feelings control me, I don't know how to stop that either..

All I want out of life is mutual love, to be thought well of by those I care about, and to be good at something that I enjoy and can make a living out of. I'm light years away from all of this..

Edt: I see Realist is posting.. I'm scared :(

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Guest Realist

Wow. You just stated - exactly - word for word - EXACTLY what I was feeling and saying to myself last night. I'm not kidding - word for fucking word.

Thank you.

Umm...you're not alone...you have a husband.

Oh man. I got a whallop of that yesterday, too. Feeling just fine, talking like I always do - and out of nowhere, I was told "Geez, Teressa, don't you have anything to talk about that doesn't include horrible stories about your childhood and drug abuse?"

And.......he was right.

I often don't.

I feel very justified in talking about it regurarly - but very few other people feel justified in *hearing* about it. It puts people off, it's uncomfertable, it's gross and disturbing.

So by proxy, that means *I* put people off, I make people uncomfertable, and *I* am gross and disturbing.

And that really hurts, because I don't know what to do about it. Can I change it? Yes, but not without sacrificing something that I feel is important to me (telling my story). Do I want to change it? No. And yes - because I want people to like me.

What am I going to do about it? I don't know. Figure out what the middle road is. Try and find a way of sharing that isn't so awful to others but somehow gives me what I need, too.

It's not going to be easy and I'm bound to fuck up every now and then. But I'm going to try - there's got to be a middle road.

Get over yourself...and you can start now by never again mentioning your childhood on these message boards.

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For me i had mental problems ever since 8th grade. Ever since then i had these feelings unwantedness. Fortunately i had goals to look foreward to. I wanted to never miss a day of school and make good grades. I kept my focus on that and I never missed a day of school since 7th grade onward, and I had a 3.66gpa.

Then I get into college and i could not keep my grades up. My brother was a mess on drugs. My mom had a nervous breakdown. I lost focus on school and quit. I could never get past the 2 date marks. I even got to hear what a girl really thought about me through her friend and it wasnt good. And my skin was just horrible. Its like nothing is worth living. What can i look foreward to when my life and my families is such a mess. No one will even give me a chance like WTF. And the only thing I look foreward to was being succesful in school and I couldnt do that anymore.

Well now atleast Im on a good path. I have a reliable job. My mom isnt as down as she used to be. Though my brother is in prison he will get out next year. My skin is very nice. Im 24 now and I got all this going for me. But it takes patience. I mean all this drama in 6 years. All the positive things I mention above started to happen within those 6 yrs.

I can tell you that your not wanting to be negative. Well atleast you KNOW this. Its up to you to find how to get to point A to point B. But going to point A to point Z isnt the way you should look at it. (not saying you are) But since your asking for help thats a good place to get to point B. And my advice would be realize you cant do this on your on. Keep an open mind. Live in the moment. Keep knowledge in all the positve things that will come or may have passed and use them in your own positive way. Just keep on a positive path and all the insignificant negatives will be easily demolished.

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Guest Gentle~Rain
:evil: realist.........elsewhere has helped coutless people here through sharing her experiences and will continue to do so at her discretion, she is as real as they come and it is refreshing :wub:

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Thats a nice story terryh but I can't see myself moving forward in life at all.

It's funny that you say I should realise that I can't do this on my own, because many others have told me that in the end only I can incite the change I want. Meh, it is far too hard to constantly think positive and keep good thoughts in my head. This is the basis of the problem I'm talking about, I think negatively, habitually. I'm addicted to negativity and I have no idea how to stop beyond being perpetually observant of my own thoughts, but I can't be that vigilant, nobody can, it's impossible.

Also, btw, I do have a psychiatrist but he's fucking useless and just sits around talking about politics all the time, but he's doing me a favour by bulk billing so he's the only one I can afford.

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