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LMG

I have no will to live anymore....a long rant.

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I simply can't find a reason to keep living. I have no desire to do anything. I don't want to work, or go to school, I don't even want to leave my own house. The only thing that keeps me from ending it all is my mother. I love her to much to put her through this, I am her only child, she tells me I am her reason for living. What is my reason for living ? I was feeling better but tonight everything just caved in on me. I haven't been able to sleep but feel numb for some reason. I may just lay in bed and try to sleep but I doubt that will work. I honestly think that I need someone to talk to atleast. I have friends but they are totally different then I. They all have good jobs, go to school, have girls etc, and here I am. I am hopefully going to start college soon and I hope that might take care of my depresion, but it may make it worse. I think what did it for me was that girl I had a HUGE crush on turned my down. I honestly have never felt so much pain in my life. My chest actually hurts right now thinking about it. Some times I wish I can just be in my car and just ram it againt a wall or have a truck hit me, it's crazy. I'm actually suicidal, I don't care if I live or die, at all. When I drink I take all my frustrations out and just drink untill I black out, hoping that I will never wake up. I don't find myself attractive at all, I hate the way I look, every aspect of myself. I dress nice and always smell of cologne but I still feel like utter shit. I am planning on getting a motorcycle soon, and R6 and hopefully that will be the way I die. I want to just crash and die as fast as possible. I plan on writing a letter explaining to my mother and family that I had no will to live but never decided to kill myself, but that this was really an accident. I plan on riding kamikazi when I get my bike. It's 3:45 am eastern and I am still awake, it sucks. I think I need a female companion in my life but I think I have to much garbage in my head for someone to be attracted to me. How can I love someone else when I hate who I am and hate everything about myself ? From the outside I seem like your everyday 20 year old, funny, outgoing, friendly etc. But I hurt so much inside I think some people sense it, I think I ooze with depression, but most people don't pick it up because of the way I am. I am drawn to start taking drugs but I don't think that will be my best way out. I have been addicted to some meds called clonazepam which makes me feel better but I think they make me break out a little so I try to take them as little as possible. Next time I go to the doc which is very soon I plan on telling her to give me vicoden or some type of drug to help me with my depression. I don't want to go to a psycologist. I don't even want my mother knowing I feel like this because she worries for me to much as it is. I don't want her waking up checking on me to see if I finally killed myself. I am sure a lot of people on her can relate to some of the stuff I have said. And I also hope you find comfort in my words, knowing that there is someone else who feels the same pain you do, I belive helps a lot. I am going to lay on my bed now and hopefully I can have a good nights rest. Good night to anyone who reads this before the morning comes and good morning to those reading this when the sun rises.

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Wow man, I felt similar to this a few years back when a girl that I was certain I would spend the rest of my life with, completely out of nowhere, called to tell me she had found someone else and no longer loved me. We temporarily lived in different states, and she apparently couldn't take the distance, even though I was going to move back in another three months. I had a job at the time, and went to school, but life was hell for a couple months. I worked late at night, cleaning up a theme park, and I would just sit in the dumpster stalls and break down crying. I'd go out to the living room with my sisters and just stare straight ahead, practically shaking, with this look of terror on my face, and not say anything. At least the job I had kept my busy. It gave me tangible goals to focus on that required physical effort to attain, and that kept me somewhat distracted. School was impossible, though. I just couldn't concentrate on anything, I never spoke to anyone, and just stared at the ground as I walked around.

Thankfully, I have a pretty good ability to get through these times. I will get depressed occasionally, even very badly depressed, but I know I'll get through it and be happy again soon enough, so I'm willing to put up with it. This time, I had my little angel Ani around to keep me company and make me feel like someone out there truly cared about me in the way I believe my girlfriend had. A good friend can really help you through a situation like this.

Don't be afraid to vent and post long-winded rants. That's what the emo forum is for. Feeling like you can't reveal your true feelings to anyone only makes it worse.

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I want you to know that although you feel like killing yourself is the only way out of the pain you feel, it will get better, I promise. I have been to the edge and back, and I know you can come through this. I got to the stage where I was really surprised that I felt no fear in killing myself at all. And it was then I realised I had hit rock bottom. But I hung in there and I came out the other side. And I'm glad I did. We get one shot at life matey. Just one go. Our lives will come to an end soon enough, why cut it short? There are people out there who would give anything for a full life, but who can't either cos they are ill or cos they have a real accident. Their lives get taken away, they don't get a choice to live. But you have a choice. And only you can pull yourself out of this depression you find yourself in. We can give you words of comfort and support, and we can be here if you need to talk. But you are the only one who can make the decision to turn your life around. I know this may seem impossible at the moment, but you have to say to yourself, "yeah, I want to get better, I want to start living again". Until you do that, then nothing will change. As for this girl, she will be one of many. You are 20, you are young and you have many years to look forward to full of girls, happiness, going out, making friends, seeing the world. There is so much to look forward to, if you just let yourself live.

Please pull yourself out of this nightmare you're in. Harsh as it may sound, you put yourself there and you need to get yourself out. I admitted to myself that it was me that put myself in my depression. Yeah, I blamed everyone else around me for the way I turned out, but soon I realised that the only person who could make me happy was myself. You have to look after number 1 first, everyone else comes second. If you don't look after number 1, then you will be no use to anyone else anyway. You are responsible for your own happiness. Take hold of it.

Sit down, and decide to make the change today. Look at yourself in the mirror, tell yourself you are worth more than you say you are. You can do this, I know you can. Be strong. :comfort:

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Guest hopelessGuy

Perhaps a good whore will ease your mind off things!

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Won't you miss all the good times you could have had with your Yamaha R6 if you died? If I had that bike I sure as hell wouldn't wanna die I'd just ride it everyday and be happy.

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I simply can't find a reason to keep living. I have no desire to do anything. I don't want to work, or go to school, I don't even want to leave my own house. The only thing that keeps me from ending it all is my mother. I love her to much to put her through this, I am her only child, she tells me I am her reason for living. What is my reason for living ? I was feeling better but tonight everything just caved in on me. I haven't been able to sleep but feel numb for some reason. I may just lay in bed and try to sleep but I doubt that will work. I honestly think that I need someone to talk to atleast. I have friends but they are totally different then I. They all have good jobs, go to school, have girls etc, and here I am. I am hopefully going to start college soon and I hope that might take care of my depresion, but it may make it worse. I think what did it for me was that girl I had a HUGE crush on turned my down. I honestly have never felt so much pain in my life. My chest actually hurts right now thinking about it. Some times I wish I can just be in my car and just ram it againt a wall or have a truck hit me, it's crazy. I'm actually suicidal, I don't care if I live or die, at all. When I drink I take all my frustrations out and just drink untill I black out, hoping that I will never wake up. I don't find myself attractive at all, I hate the way I look, every aspect of myself. I dress nice and always smell of cologne but I still feel like utter shit. I am planning on getting a motorcycle soon, and R6 and hopefully that will be the way I die. I want to just crash and die as fast as possible. I plan on writing a letter explaining to my mother and family that I had no will to live but never decided to kill myself, but that this was really an accident. I plan on riding kamikazi when I get my bike. It's 3:45 am eastern and I am still awake, it sucks. I think I need a female companion in my life but I think I have to much garbage in my head for someone to be attracted to me. How can I love someone else when I hate who I am and hate everything about myself ? From the outside I seem like your everyday 20 year old, funny, outgoing, friendly etc. But I hurt so much inside I think some people sense it, I think I ooze with depression, but most people don't pick it up because of the way I am. I am drawn to start taking drugs but I don't think that will be my best way out. I have been addicted to some meds called clonazepam which makes me feel better but I think they make me break out a little so I try to take them as little as possible. Next time I go to the doc which is very soon I plan on telling her to give me vicoden or some type of drug to help me with my depression. I don't want to go to a psycologist. I don't even want my mother knowing I feel like this because she worries for me to much as it is. I don't want her waking up checking on me to see if I finally killed myself. I am sure a lot of people on her can relate to some of the stuff I have said. And I also hope you find comfort in my words, knowing that there is someone else who feels the same pain you do, I belive helps a lot. I am going to lay on my bed now and hopefully I can have a good nights rest. Good night to anyone who reads this before the morning comes and good morning to those reading this when the sun rises.

You know what, i know for a fact that you're going through a depressional phase. It'll pass. But at the moment, try on improving yourself and your life anyway you can. Sometimes you just have to let it go and stop caring about what others think of you, etc. Not everyone's life is perfect, even the ones you think have it easy they don't. I always see couples and I'm like darn they must be so happy together... but there are some that aren't.

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a girl that I was certain I would spend the rest of my life with, completely out of nowhere, called to tell me she had found someone else and no longer loved me.

Gah, that fucking sucks!! :doh:

It's bad enuf to lose her but to lose her to sumone else just adds insult to injury.

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Guest flutistgurl26

Perhaps a good whore will ease your mind off things!

:|

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Guest Realist

Sometimes I wish I was a dog...

post-37815-1144786288_thumb.jpg

post-37815-1144786288_thumb.jpg

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Hi LMG,

I just read your post and I'm so sorry you feel that way. Sometimes it feels like things are spiraling out of our control and we want to hold on as long as possible, we want to take control of our lives again but we lack the motivation or energy (caused by depression) to do so. But you know what? It does get better. I hope you force yourself out of your house to interact with others- I know it seems like the people around you wont be able to relate, but having that physical contact with people could help alleviate the pain. Open yourself to others, give them and yourself a chance. The only person who could make you happy is you. Whenever you feel the urge to end things, remember that there are people in this world who care for you, who love you, and who would miss you greatly. I don't know you, but I would miss your contributions to the board and I can tell you're a wonderful, genuine person. You might feel overwhelmed, but it helps to take a step back and analyze what you feel is going wrong with your life. What can you do about it? What needs work? Maybe things aren't as bad as they first seemed. Your first priority is to say to yourself, "I want things to be better. I want to feel better. I want to get better" and then take steps towards those goals.

I think Vikster said it best:

You are responsible for your own happiness. Take hold of it.

Sit down, and decide to make the change today. Look at yourself in the mirror, tell yourself you are worth more than you say you are. You can do this, I know you can. Be strong.

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I would just try to gain some perspective. You're still very young, and even if you weren't, it's never too late to turn things around. The more self-loathing you feel for yourself the more you focus on you you you. Your whole world starts to revolve around how much you dislike yourself. It's why it's so important to step out of that bubble. It's really tough. If you're able to go to group meetings or find a therapist to help you take baby steps to do that, I think it's be a very good idea. But I think it's important to know that having a girlfriend won't make your life awesome. You have to make your life awesome, so you can share happiness with someone, not depend on them for it. Good luck and keep your chin up.

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Have hope - and as Femina said - please keep posting. That's exactly what this place was created for. There's tons of people here who have been where you are and who want to listen to you.

Keep sharing, we're listening.

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Hi, yeh we all have felt kinda bad one time or other, and many of us has pulled through, i am not sure if these suary words help because when i read this stuff back then it made me feel sick.

but,

I think getting a girl will make you feel like shit too, because you have no self worth, you'll get all paranoid and anxious.

Lemme ask you a question, how did this start, when did it start? Was it just the acne? Getting better means facing all the shit you have kept inside you for all this time. If you can't deal with these issues then right now isn't the time for you to get better, You have to wait till you feel you can do this.

But like people said, let all the shit out bit by bit by writing it down.

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Ya you should definately talk to someone about how u feel, you will not only feel better afterwards but then you can have help in knowing what to do next. Don't give up.

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LMG,

Although I dont have a crystal ball that allows me to tell you that everything will be fantastic in a few years, I can say this: time heals all wounds. Being rejected hurts, but at least you had the courage to approach her. Thats half the battle, man!

Think about it this way - there are two ways to handle this: you can either dwell on this one incident and feel bad for yourself or you can turn around and make the girl sorry she ever let you go. I hope you vote for the latter. Good luck to you and I hope you realize that life is worth living through good times and bad.

Sometimes I wish I was a dog...

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I simply can't find a reason to keep living. I have no desire to do anything. I don't want to work, or go to school, I don't even want to leave my own house. The only thing that keeps me from ending it all is my mother. I love her to much to put her through this, I am her only child, she tells me I am her reason for living. What is my reason for living ? I was feeling better but tonight everything just caved in on me. I haven't been able to sleep but feel numb for some reason. I may just lay in bed and try to sleep but I doubt that will work. I honestly think that I need someone to talk to atleast. I have friends but they are totally different then I. They all have good jobs, go to school, have girls etc, and here I am. I am hopefully going to start college soon and I hope that might take care of my depresion, but it may make it worse. I think what did it for me was that girl I had a HUGE crush on turned my down. I honestly have never felt so much pain in my life. My chest actually hurts right now thinking about it. Some times I wish I can just be in my car and just ram it againt a wall or have a truck hit me, it's crazy. I'm actually suicidal, I don't care if I live or die, at all. When I drink I take all my frustrations out and just drink untill I black out, hoping that I will never wake up. I don't find myself attractive at all, I hate the way I look, every aspect of myself. I dress nice and always smell of cologne but I still feel like utter shit. I am planning on getting a motorcycle soon, and R6 and hopefully that will be the way I die. I want to just crash and die as fast as possible. I plan on writing a letter explaining to my mother and family that I had no will to live but never decided to kill myself, but that this was really an accident. I plan on riding kamikazi when I get my bike. It's 3:45 am eastern and I am still awake, it sucks. I think I need a female companion in my life but I think I have to much garbage in my head for someone to be attracted to me. How can I love someone else when I hate who I am and hate everything about myself ? From the outside I seem like your everyday 20 year old, funny, outgoing, friendly etc. But I hurt so much inside I think some people sense it, I think I ooze with depression, but most people don't pick it up because of the way I am. I am drawn to start taking drugs but I don't think that will be my best way out. I have been addicted to some meds called clonazepam which makes me feel better but I think they make me break out a little so I try to take them as little as possible. Next time I go to the doc which is very soon I plan on telling her to give me vicoden or some type of drug to help me with my depression. I don't want to go to a psycologist. I don't even want my mother knowing I feel like this because she worries for me to much as it is. I don't want her waking up checking on me to see if I finally killed myself. I am sure a lot of people on her can relate to some of the stuff I have said. And I also hope you find comfort in my words, knowing that there is someone else who feels the same pain you do, I belive helps a lot. I am going to lay on my bed now and hopefully I can have a good nights rest. Good night to anyone who reads this before the morning comes and good morning to those reading this when the sun rises.

OMG are your the reincarnation of me we have the same situation although i have one sister but we have the same life.

dude you have to be strong take your problem as a challenge or a positive reinforcement that will drive you to work hard in school or whatever things that you want to achieve. when time comes if ever you finish college then all good things will come into your way. who will take care of your mother when she get old think about it you'll be selfish if you do this.

how about buying a dog for a companion :)

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Thanks for all the kind words. Last night when I layed down to sleep I just kept rolling around. I kept on thinking about EVERYTHING in my life. I think I was having an anxiety attack or something, I tried to relax and thankfully it subsided. I've been thinking about getting a dog for a companion because I feel so alone. At the same time I don't want a dog because it's another hassle. Today I had a rough day, I woke up in a bitchy mood and took it out on my mom :cry: . I spend the WHOLE day mad for no reason. I had to do something so I got up and started to wash my car. I took my frustrations out on the car, cleaned almost every part of it to a shine. Tomorrow I am going to do the same, I felt relived and relaxed when I was done, maybe more tired then relaxed. My friend invited me to go to a club tonight because one of of friends is performing but I felt so bad I jsut told him to forget about it. I really don't want to leave my house at all. I just want to enslave myself in my room and never leave, if only that was possible. Tomorrow I am also going to lift some weights, I started on monday and I can already see a difference ( my body shows results very quickly ). Again, thanks for all you kind words, they truly made me feel better. Now hopefully I can just overcome this stage. I have been depressed for quite some time now. It comes and goes and sometimes are worse then others. I am not going to seek professional help, I'll just fight this battle on my own, I know I am hard headed but that's how I am. Hopefully I'll have a better day tomorrow. My father is coming to visit me and my mother, my parents are divored by the way but they still get along. I am hoping he comes because he sometimes says one thing and does another, he does this more often then I would like. The thing is my sister lives in the same building as the girl I was trying to get with. My niece is her best friend. I don't want to see this girl again because it'll just reopen a wound but at the same time I want her to SEE me and how I've changed and if I decide to see her I am going to act like it's not a big thing. Hopefully by that time my face will be a little clearer then it is now. Uggghhh... I am so frustrated. I guess I am going to make this my little journal when ever I feel like talking to someone, or just getting some things off my chest. I guess I'll end it here for now

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Ya know, I may be a bitter person but one thing that motivates me best is revenge. I feel the best revenge is a life well lived. You have you entire life ahead you of, you don't know what kind of things you will achieve and how you will change during that course.

One of the best feelings in the world is going up to the people who doubted you, who insulted you, who abandoned you and showing them what you achieved. The look on their face, in their eye's will be worth all you've worked for and more. Believe me.

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Undermine, revenger does sound sweet but I found out the girl I like/liked just had her heart broken. At first I felt glad because now she gets to feel how I feel and have felt. I have a cold heart but at the same time I hate to see anyone suffer. I belive in letting things take their course, if I get her in 4 months from now then that's the way it had to happen. Anyways, anyone know any good anti depression drugs ? Im going to see my doc soon and I'm going to tell her I feel like complete shit. She usually prescribes me clonazepam but I think it makes me break out a little :think: . I was thinking vicodin, I've heard good things about it. I really don't know much about anti depressants but I took tremor (spelling) and I loved it. I wouldn't care about anything, I loved IT !!! :wub: Anyways this is just my daily update plus I'm bored. I'll post up some more later on in the a.m

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Anti depressants are can help at times when you're in dire need of help...but should you choose to get on something, don't let yourself come to rely on them. Use them as a stepping stone...a way to get yourself out of your deep depression. Use them to give yourself the ability to work on yourself from the inside. Allow them to let yourself do some soul searching, and find your own answers, but don't let yourself become dependant on them. You have to depend on yourself, and find your own strength. Use this as a learning experience.

If you need a reason to live...then look no further than your own post. Live for your mother, who loves you. The fact that she cares so much is reason enough to push through the things that plauge you. Do it for her sake, if not your own. Live for the future...because you don't know what it holds for you. Don't cheat yourself out of your future. You only have one life, don't waste it. Make the most of every day you have, and cherish every breath you have. Even if it hurts, you can still feel lucky that you have the ability to breathe, live, prosper, and make something of your life. Live for that. Don't waste your life on sorrow. We, as human beings, have the ability to bounce back, and mend ourselves. Time is sometimes the only cure for such things...and it is important to give yourself the opportunity to allow yourself a chance to heal. You can do it, it is not impossible.

Look outside of the box, at things that your depression doesn't allow you to see. See beyond that...it is there that you will find what you look for. You can not find what your eyes choose not to see. Search for a reason to live, not a reason to die.

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Guest hopelessGuy

LMG......The comment I posted about you needing a good whore was to try to humor and lighten things up. In no way was I trying to beat you down or anything, I know how sad and depressed people feel and I can sympathize, I apolagize if that comment offended you. I recieved another warning, this time from member "Oppurtunity", I told the member to loosen his butthole a little, perhaps that will get me bannished from this place for good. Once again I apolagize if you were offended by my comment!

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Hey LMG, just wanted to tell you that I got rejected too, today, when I asked this girl out to the prom. I feel kinda depressed because my best friend has a prom date and she's really cute, but I have no one. I guess this is gonna tug at me for awhile but I'm just going to try to shrug it off a fast as I can and on the plus side, I don't have to waste my money on the prom this way, so I guess I can try to spin this to as much positive as I can.

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