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Another uncomfortable conversation with my mother and it feels terrible...

I feel hurt and generally angry and then end up questioning myself as to whether I was wrong somehow or feel guilty at the idea of her possibly being sad because I felt hurt.

I know she means well, but I feel she doesn't always believe in me the way I need her to. She is doing her best, always has, and if I am the person I am today, it is in part because of how I was raised.

I just feel our relationship can be decently good but also falls short too often. I'm not sure she feels it as much as I do, but it is something that bothers me inside.

I may speak about certain interests of mine or things I am considering (and always try to show I have thought through the different aspects) but still, the aspect of practicality is brought up in a way that makes me feel she does not trust in my judgement at those times or that, in my idealism, she forgets I am also realistic. She wants me to be happy, but why then when I am excited about something or believe in myself or my idea is it discouraged? It could be merely an idea, and nothing definite.

There are so many things I woud like to explore, and my stupid debts are stopping me, and it's my fault. I feel really foolish for the debt I have to deal with. But I am trying my best. I have not been able to do many things I would have liked because I have always been responsible in at least taking care of my finances, and tried to explain that in not doing so many of those things, I was being practical. I am not someone impulsive, who speaks about something lightly and runs off to do it without having thought about it thoroughly or without being prepared. Quite the opposite, I usually think too much.

Anyhow, I may pass by many paths before finding the right one. Some ideas fade over time, and some last. I know she doesn't want to see me in debt, but I am working to get out of it. I can show her my budget, speak to her about my fiancial plan for the future and show her how I have set it up in considering many things that our society rarely prepares for anymore. I can talk about an idea I have but say I cannot do it right now as it is too expensive or I do not have the funds, or it is simply not the right time or I am not sure.

I can say all of this, and be taking the steps to reach those goals, and yet I feel it doesn't quite make the difference.

When I first started working years ago, I was good with money and began saving right away. I made a mistake and learned the hard way by lending everything I had in savings to a man who explained his particular situation and for whom I felt sympathy for, who only payed me back after a bailiff took some of his belongings. Since then, I have had no savings, but rather debt that, several times, was almost completely payed and somehow, crawled back up again.

I always pay on time and I never pay the minimum. Almost all my pays go to payments and that's why I struggled also because I never left myself enough spending money.

I have learned, and I am working to improve this aspect and I know it will all be okay soon.

But I feel I have to convince her that I am responsible, even though she says I am.

I sometimes have doubted myself in being good enough for something, and still do, and though I will never blame this on my mother or use it as an excuse, I wonder if her doubting me or my ideas at times, or her worries, could have rubbed off on me and made me lack belief in myself. But I am not trying to portray a negative image of my mom...

She is practical, and wants me to choose something and settle down, and I want that too. But I am not her in the way I may go about it. I am me. It goes round and round about how I feel she does not trust me and indirectly implies I am not realistic, and how she feels I do not want to hear it if it doesn't match what I feel.

I love my mom, and I know she loves me. This post is only a really imperfect example of the situation and how I feel as there is more to it. It seems so silly, but I can't explain it.

It's not only in terms of the money situation, but a general overall tone to our relationship that I wish could improve. She wants my best but her tone or expression say so much else at times, and it hurts. And I don't want to care so much.

I don't want to have to get her to believe in me. She says she already does, but I don't always believe it in certain situations.

All I feel is sad and I can only cry. Moments like these make me not want to share anything anymore. I also still feel the need to prove her wrong and show her I am able. It makes me want to be even more independent than I already am and not rely on anyone. It just makes me feel more alone...

Sorry for all this.

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I'm also feeling sad today. I'm sorry if I post this here

I came home from school, went to the computer... all of a sudden I started crying and going crazy, literally hurting myself. There's nothing bad that happened to me today. I think I was just feeling overwhelmed with everything (I'm not even sure what it is) but there's something. I can't really explain it. There are so many things going on... :cry:

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Don't apologize - it's okay.

I'm sorry you had a down day. Sometimes crying for seemingly no reason can happen, and in your case, whether it was just due to feeling overwhelmed or something else, it's okay.

:(

I often feel unsure of myself when I post something more personal on the boards. This moment and sadness will pass... and because I know this, I somehow feel my sadness or post is insignificant. I'm afraid of it being taken as less or more than what it is.

Is it just me? My mother and I do love and respect each other in many ways, and have fun together at times, but I often feel generally unsatisfied with our relationship many other times. It is not how I would like it to be, and I don't feel it is because of unreasonable expectations. I'm not sure how to change it either, as those akward moments seem to creep up, even after speaking and things feel better for a while.

If this feeling of our relationship bothering me is not resolved, I feel it may be a great regret in my life.

I believe it could be better, but sometimes I'm scared it may not ever be as I would ultimately like, which I'm not always even sure of.

This will pass...

but I guess I am allowed to feel sad, too.

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wow, you guys have touched me in a way i can not explain, bravo bravo. everyone stand up and give them what they deserve...wow

very moving but not enough, searchingforthesolution, you should have worked more on the emotional feeling, but the tone was right. ixean...nice try :lol2: it was a little too short and unexplained but i liked it. searchingforthesolution, being independent is hard and at times it can be very depressing. Are you still living with your mother? are you paying rent? anything like that? to be really independent you must live on your own and support everything you need all by yourself, now that is down right depressing but it makes you much more stronger...if you make it :think: lol. Have you tried talking with your mother one on one? and telling her what you really feel? Maybe its hard to explain but if you try and express it somehow to her, maybe she would understand. Don't be afraid, go for it.

ixean, do you watch everybody loves raymond? there is this episode where debra cries randomly during the day(raymond spied on her lol) and it was because she just wanted to and it made her feel more relaxed/reliefed. If it makes you happy to cry then cry, get it off your chest and have a wonderful day =)

happy happy guys! =D

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