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My World just crashed

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--UPDATE-- final update on the last page.

--UPDATE-- on page 4, pretty much telling you how I am going a couple of months down the track. I know this is a long post but some of you might like to read it still, alot has changed since the end of the story and I wish I could write some more and tell you what has happened... it doesn't feel right I guess, but there have been some special moments between me and giselle after this has happened, those that make life worth living and perhaps they are best kept secret and safe till a time. Thanks all again for your support, it was invaluable at a time where I felt like I would never see the sun rise again.

*sigh* broke up with my girlfriend on friday and I just want to let all of this out... We had been going out for 1 Year and 9 Months.

It all began in Year 9 when I met her at school and we got along really well and I left asking her out to the point of her pretty much getting upset that I hadn't asked her out. So finally I grew some balls and did and everything went great through Year 10, everyone thought we were bullet proof and would never break up. She was the only person in the whole world who I was really honestly interested in, it was like a bestfriend but more sprinkled on top.

The trouble began when she changed schools at the end of Year 10 for her final 2 Years of highschool, things were going well, just didn't get to see each other as much. I was always concious about her finding another guy and got a little offended every time she even told me she talked to some guy - (ofcourse she would, it was inevitable and they kept talking to her so it couldn't be avoided). I gradually began to accept that and things were going ok. About two months ago she had her exams and she was having some deep family troubles and one night when I was over at her house there was something up so I questioned her for a little bit until she bursted out crying and eventually let out that she was letting me go because she didn't want to hurt me and drag me down with her. Dragging me down with what? She wouldn't say... She wouldn't stop crying, it was asif I had dumped her... So my dad was coming soon so we went to wait out on the verandah as the rain dropped soothingly on the roof above us, she was still crying - funny how weather sometimes reflects our emotion. I said "Giselle" and she looked up at me for the first time since she had done it with tears rolling down her face, I leant towards her ear and whispered "I Love You" which made her heave and cry more than ever as she hugged me tightly. My dad arrived and before I left she struggled out "you know... you can always ring me... I still want to see you, I don't think I can live without you" I smiled and leant across to her neck and blew a bubble on it kind of like what parents do to kids stomachs then said she could always do the same, she choked out a laugh and I walked off into the wet. I went home feeling shocked and went straight to my friends house to get drunk and I was fine sort of thing, however when I was walking home it just hit me like a freight train and I just started crying in the street - the first time in 4 years.

Three days passed and no word from her, I spoke to her best friend who was still at my school and she said she had spoken to Giselle: Giselle seemed really upset and depressed saying "I want to marry him... what have I done?!" So that night I rang her up and when she answered she was dumbfounded and couldn't speak properly for atleast 10 minutes. So after a week or two of deep negotiations and soul searching we got back together, she asked me out this time.

So that was about a month ago now... Everything was running well for the first week or so but she seemed not to be at home as much, I didn't call every night or anything but she would usually just ring me atleast every 2nd day. When she finally did ring, I asked where she had been and she just said "at a party" and ofcourse my instincts were of jealousy but I kept it to myself and asked her how it was, she was like "pretty good" and I said how was school today and she said "oh.. I didn't go, I went driving with Dahvid"...Bang... how can I not get jealous at that? So my suspicions kept growing and the next time I spoke to her she said she had parked a car for the first time today... I said "oh really? how? you don't even have your learners liscence?" she was just like "oh I just controlled the wheel, Dahvid did the foot pedals"...Bang... how in the world would she and him be able to control both things without her sitting on his lap or between his legs? I kept it to myself and asked her best friend what she thought... She didn't like the sound of it either. So next time I spoke to her I asked her about it and it got her upset that I didn't trust her, and she didn't sit on his lap or between his legs just to his side. Sounded pretty dodgey to me, I don't know why I get so jealous, it is my greatest flaw, but now I think about it, I'm sure many other people would get jealous at this too. So I don't know, I just started to ask questions like "Do you hug other guys?" and she said "well.. yeah.. sometimes.. I used to not before we broke up but ever since we did yeah" I was pretty furious, it was like I laid off letting her talk to them, now she wants to hug them so she said "but it's not like I want to, it's not a big deal.. really... is it? you just make it a big deal by asking about it", she sounded kind of titchy like it was a right of hers. So I said "if it's not a big deal then why are you getting defensive about it?" and yeah.. humm.

A little bit before that too that also got me furious was when we broke up a friend of mine said he saw her and a guy holding hands walking through town, they came up to speak to him (not holding hands by that time) and he introduced himself... It was Dahvid. That night I rang up furious yet again, I told her why and she was like "What the fuck?" she explained to me that she wasn't he just came over to watch some movies after their exams (I got kind of annoyed at that but there were other things to worry about). I took to believeing her because she doesn't even like holding hands, neither do I, it's just always been like that with us.

So I'd seen her less and less since then, she always seemed to be out or something, at parties. So yeah... we kind of didn't speak to each other as much, just did something about once a week and things were alright. We were supposed to do something last friday so I rang her up in the morning (I had gone to a party the night before and tried to ring her before I left at 8:30 but she was out and it turns out she got home at exactly 8:30 and wanted to come) and I asked if she wanted to come over and she said yes so yeah we just started talking and everything was going well until she said like "hrrm.. I'm confused, are we going out anymore or what?", me feeling a little offended by the question said "Well what do you want?" and she just goes "mm, we'll talk about it when I get there".

An hour or so later she arrived and everything was going great, just a relaxing day and we chatted about old times, but eventually the plague got me and I asked "so.. what do you want?" and she looked at me and started to tell me "well... I don't know, it doesn't even feel like we are going out anymore... I never get to see you and it just isn't working, one of us always gets upset when we talked and it feels like it will never go back to the way it was... I'd love it to, these past 2 years have been the best of my life and I'll never forget them - I was getting upset and cry whenever you didn't call for a day or two, or if I didn't see you very much... but now it's like I've accepted it... it's like we aren't even breaking up right now." I looked at her feeling sadness rise inside of me, we chatted about it for a while and ended up just sitting out in the sun where we ended up just looking at each other and she leant over and kissed me and said "sorry :S" So the rest of the day we just chatted about life and she said to me that she still wants to see me and talk to me, that I'm her best friend and I know her best and I make her so happy and she regretted changing schools and wish she could go back and how I was the best boyfriend she had ever had and that she loved me. So we ended on a good note sort of thing. But as I was walking home she said things like "yeah.. just forget about us going out you know, there's heaps out there and we are only 16, I can still even see me moving out with you and I dunno, I always think its disgusting if someone makes me think of doing sexual stuff with anyone but you... but that'll go away"... That was a pretty weird thing to say seeing as it had never been an issue before about the being 16 years old. Also note that we rarely say we loved each other so it was sort of a very special thing, almost as if it meant the most when left unsaid.

She was going away for 10 days on monday so I went to visit her on sunday after work, things were going well as friends sort of thing... a few awqward moments like her brother said "don't treat your boyfriend like that" and she replied in an almost bitchy way "hes not my boyfriend" which I don't really remember but I think it sounded in the tone of "I'd never go out with him, eww" but later we were just sitting in the lounge room with the lights dimmed, outside the night was deep, and I was on a one seater couch with high arm rest sort of things and she came over and like lied across it so she was like lieing across me sort of thing and we were listening to the beatles and looking at each others eyes and it was one of those special moments we hadn't had in so long... She leant across and kissed me and I pulled back looking sort of offended but as soon as I started to pull back she went in again sort of thing then looked back and saw me offended and just said like "oh my god.. I'm sorry" and started crying, got up and sat on the floor. I creeped down infront of her and sat for a while with my head leaning against hers as she muttered "I'm such an idiot, I can't control myself", (as The Beatles - Michelle played, Michelle is replaced so well with Giselle) after a while I put my hands on either side of her face and slowly lifted it up to look at her glistening eyes and kissed the trail of tears up her face and she sobbed and sighed. I looked at her and then slowly leant in to kiss her lips softly then I pulled back and she tried to reach out for more but I resisted. My dad was coming soon so we went out the front to wait on the verandah again because her brother came into the room. It was again raining and her tears again hit the floor as she squeezed me tightly, my dad arrived and I said "I'll speak to you soon eh?" and she looked up still crying and nodded.

Well that's the last I'd heard from her, it is now Tuesday and it turns out she isn't going away anymore. My friend got his P's today which means he can drive by himself and I've just tried ringing her and noone's home, so we can go driving, her best friend tried last night but she had gone out. Humm, I feel so empty, she could so easily get another guy, but me, my acne has always gotten me down, I barely know how to speak to women except Giselle, it was special, like she was my best friend and I'm afraid of moving on... Like what am I to think? She may be leading me on? but she wouldn't do that - she is just confused herself, I believe things can be fixed if only I could see her. =( Anyway now that we were friends, on sunday before all of this I asked her about Dahvid and she was like "eww no, it's not like that, he's 19 and the only reason I go places with them all is because they can drop me home - you can't". I just can't see myself making such a relationship that special ever again... I have no idea what to do.

Well thanks for reading, please do post your comments. When she was there I felt sad we weren't going out but now I havent seen her for a day or so I just feel empty, so so empty and lonely.

-Jemburula

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Wow.... that is some deep feelings right there... marvelously written.

I can't say that I know how you feel, but I can say that I have somehwat of an idea. I used to like this girl to death, and I never had the balls to ask her out. One time we were at the movies, and I told her that I liked her, but that was that. She moved out to Houston about two years ago, and I cried myself to sleep for about a week after she left. It was just so sad, knowing that I would never see her again....

anyways dude i wish you the best of luck sorting things out. cheers !:D

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sounds like you two have been through a lot. all i can say is that i know what you're going through, man - it's pretty tough. all of it sounds familiar and you're definitely not alone. to me, it sounds like she doesn't know what she wants - that's okay. this other guy dahvid probably is giving her second thoughts about her ability to commit over long distances. it's a part of growing up, but you've gotta just let things happen as they happen - be the strong one like you were that last night and pull away. you don't deserve to be pulled through the emotional ringer like some girls would do. she'll respect you more for being the confident male, too. good luck with everything.

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so sad sad.gif reminds me of my first love... but as solipsist said, it's part of growing up. You'll feel that way again. Off topic - your writing skills are excellent, very descriptive.

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so sad  sad.gif reminds me of my first love... but as solipsist said, it's part of growing up. You'll feel that way again. Off topic - your writing skills are excellent, very descriptive.

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Wow, i can't believe i read all this. I'm sorry for all your troubles... sounds like you had a really, really special relationship.

I really don't know what to say... i hope you find a way to mollify your pain, somehow. Good luck with everything! i hope things get better for you!

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so sad  sad.gif reminds me of my first love... but as solipsist said, it's part of growing up. You'll feel that way again. Off topic - your writing skills are excellent, very descriptive.

you're a mod, now!? uh oh... eusa_shhh.gif

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Well thanks for that, there is something else I'd like to add... On friday when we were talking after, we always liked to write notes to each other, it was like whatever we said in them were to be taken to be true forever, it is was where we leaked our deepest feelings even if it was impossible to speak it.

So, on friday like I said, I wrote on my whiteboard (I regret it now, it was so long that I had to rub it off to do the next part) but I will just say the parts I remember well:

You know how I feel about time, its sparsity and vastness, I will never ever forget you

If I know what love is, it is because of you

And all that sort of thing *sigh* I wish I had written it down, it made her cry again but like in a happy way. I think eventually she just lost hope and thought she was holding on to something that wasn't there anymore, but it is... that is why I need to see her more, I need to make her believe again. *sigh* but if I just go visit her it seems so needy and kind of pushing it you know?

I gave her flowers the other week, she loved them etc, and when I went over on sunday however they were replaced, she said she loved mine but they died and her friends bought her some new ones because she was sad. I asked who and she said "oh just Erin and Dahvid"... *sigh* fair enough I suppose... I asked her why she was sad and she said "you know...", ofcourse I knew but it just reaffirmed that she must still feel something towards me, I just have to bring it out again =( so lost

EDIT: Also I'd just like to add, now that it's over, I believe she was never cheating on me... it was I who pushed her away but lacking the trust I should of formed, it just rips that this really could of worked, not only could I of fixed it, I could of married this girl... it was my flaw that destroyed it. Her family problems involve her mum cheating on her dad and Giselle is the only one to know, it is ripping her up because her mum is so mean and if it was me, I would of let it slip so easily, but Giselle keeps it to herself and pushes on. She is the only person I've found with higher morales and dreams than anyone else hence why I think we clicked so well.

BTW: Here is my previous post on this board, it never got much attention but you might like to read it, it was of a time when I was happier:Here, my Blog

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great read dude. let me soak it in a bit...

my advice is to focus on yourself. join as many sports as you can, get great grades. if u can get ur name in the paper for something, AWESOME.

Make yourself busy, and make sure she knows your busy all the time. She sounds like a great girl, but part of her uncertainty im sorry to say is maybe doubt with you. So prove that you're a catch and when shes ready to come back and make sacrifices to be a real permanent girlfriend, then go for it.

OOr you can find another girl.... its not impossible man youre only 16 right? you've got plenty of time and schools an easy way to meet girls if u play ur cards right. Maybe u should find a nice davidette to make her jealous? but moving on is an equal if not better option.

good luck

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I think eventually she just lost hope and thought she was holding on to something that wasn't there anymore, but it is... that is why I need to see her more, I need to make her believe again. *sigh* but if I just go visit her it seems so needy and kind of pushing it you know?

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I think eventually she just lost hope and thought she was holding on to something that wasn't there anymore, but it is... that is why I need to see her more, I need to make her believe again. *sigh* but if I just go visit her it seems so needy and kind of pushing it you know?

honestly, this is the hardest part. the first thing you've got to accept in this kind of situation is that you can't change her feelings. sure, you can show her how much you love her and she can do the same, but there's no way to prolong somebody's feelings for you. ever. that's one of the mistakes we young kids make - we stay in relationships because we *know* we can make the other person love us. it'd be wonderful if it worked that way, but sadly it doesn't. she has to decide on her own what she wants, and that's part of love. you can write as much love poetry as you'd like (and believe me, i know eusa_doh.gif ) but at the end of the day it's her decision whether or not to embrace your words. just let things happen naturally - don't try to pressure her into making a decision. it's easier said than done, because you two most definitely have immeasurable feelings for eachother. alas, that's life. =].

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omg really? sad.gif

and to the original poster, that was beautifully written, and so sad. I don't know what to say, except that time is the great healer, cliched as it may be.

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omg really? sad.gif

and to the original poster, that was beautifully written, and so sad. I don't know what to say, except that time is the great healer, cliched as it may be.

To me, time will never heal, only surpress.

Kabol: what is gay?

EDIT: This is the song I've been listening to endlessly over the past few days:

"I don't love you anymore"

is all I remember you telling me

Never have I felt so cold

But I've no more blood to bleed

cause my heart has been draining into the sea.

Rise Against - Blood To Bleed

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" Kabol: what is gay? "

Hmm, for example: "I was walking home it just hit me like a freight train and I just started crying in the street"

..Nah its all good dude.

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" Kabol: what is gay? "

Hmm, for example: "I was walking home it just hit me like a freight train and I just started crying in the street"

..Nah its all good dude.

Perhaps, but then again your probably someone who has never felt in such a way before... it was the first time in 4 years, what do you expect me to do? That feeling of emptiness just came to me, for the last 2 years everything I've worked towards was for her, all for her, I'm doing 4 Unit Math, Advanced English, 3 Unit Ancient History. I don't like doing any of that really, it is all just to get enough money to live comfortably with her on a beach somewhere. Now that is gone, I have no cause. People these days don't care about anything anymore. I believe money would be worthless without women, 99.9% of people these days just love money - never stopping, very few have anything real; society is failing to create the legends that once inspired men to great deeds, it's just all about the money - no feeling, no sympathy.

That is why I loved her so much, her morales and higher order, she wanted something more than to be working everyday in a super market.

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" Kabol: what is gay? "

Hmm, for example: "I was walking home it just hit me like a freight train and I just started crying in the street"

? what? Explain it to me like I'm four - why is any of this 'gay'?

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Guest *Clara

You do realise gay is a sexual preference don't you? I hate people who use it as something offensive. eusa_hand.gif

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Guest Freak_Turbulence
" Kabol: what is gay? "

Hmm, for example: "I was walking home it just hit me like a freight train and I just started crying in the street"

..Nah its all good dude.

In my professional opinion, Kabol is on the defensive by saying things are gay to mask his own latent homosexuality.

Nick.

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Guest *Clara
You do realise gay is a sexual preference don't you? I hate people who use it as something offensive. eusa_hand.gif

no shit!

Ha. Well I'm speaking in plain English. Some people just don't use common sense.

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