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Guest agentx

I give up!

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Guest agentx

Hey, does anyone else get the feeling in thier skin as if its heating up from the inside? you feel like a layer of puss is running under your skin and it hurts in some places when you press your skin, and the next day you wake up you have around 10 new zits and a few cysts :/

Man im so pissed off .. im leaving Australia and going back to my country next month, i came to australia with so many hopes and this shit shattered every one of them.

I know im wasting my parents hard earned cash but i cannot carry on like this. All of you people who have a few zits etc on thier face need to goto the church or wherever you go to pray and PRAY!

My face is a REAL mess ... i think only 1-2 people on this forum would be close to skin like mine if not less.

I hate to dissappoint everyone back home by going back, and leaving everything and 4 months ive wasted in Australia. Maybe the climate back in my country will suit me or something :D but i CAN NOT live much longer like this.

I started 20mg accutane a day 10 days ago, and my skin was a bit better 2-3 days ago but again i got that stupid burning feeling and i woke up the next day looking worse then EVER before. about 5 BIG cysts and millions of zits.

I think someday im just gonna shave HARD on my face to get rid of everythin but they are gona come back again so no use doing that. Whats the end of this horrifying life?

People tell me "its just your skin dont let it take you over" I hate it when i hear that. Its just my skin? its not my skin ... its reptile skin.

I work in a restaurant, and yesterday i saw someone sitting with his girlfriend and both of them had such smooth and beautiful skin, i just stood there looking at both of them ... and i had a thought that will someone go out with me? will i ever be clear?

I am crying right now writing this, I have dissappointed everyone along with myself... why me?

](*,)

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dear agentx, it so sad to hear that ur suffering so much but please maybe u should give urself abit more time, go back to ur derma and see wat he can do for u. i know its painful, pray that u can get through this quickly.

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wqhat country do you work in.

im telling yuo man try these nonabaltive lasers if they aint avaiable in austrialia go somewhere else.

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you've been on accutane for ten days. obviously this is your initial breakout. everybody goes through it when they are on accutane. don't give up and be seen as weak.

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Hey,

I don't know if this helps but everyone does feel like they're at the breaking point sometimes. Perception is reality. You can only feel YOUR pain. So for you it feels like life blows. Some people are so fragile that a couple zits can make them feel the exact same as you. I know friends that went through the stage you're at right now, they're perception of themselves is what led them to wake up each day and live a life, instead of waiting for something to kick them in the ass. Walk around, talk to people. As the days go by and some people make faces and say things that hurt, you will also encounter tons of people like myself who know the difference between identity and appearance. You can take a ride through this life and feel the ups and downs or you could hide away and never feel anything. An insecurity is something you are afraid will be exposed about you. Everyone can see your face so talk about it. I had a friend who I met as a freshmen in college, who had acne just like yours. He openly would say "This shit sucks" "I'm on a pill that makes it worse before it heals" and things like that. No one gave him shit, he got bids to Frats and had girls. He didn't have one less pimple than you. Do you want people to think "damn his face is bad, but oh well" or "damn his face is bad, and he's clearly jaded in life" One more thing, you have the type of acne that accutane was designed for. It will work, it's just early.

Hang in there,

If you get pissed and stay inside write me a PM and we'll shoot the shit.

J.

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I'm glad you posted this because I felt (feel) the exact same way. My initial breakout was worse than yours. I felt terrible. Acutally terrible is just the tip of iceberg. Going to school everyday was living torture, I could not concentrate or do anything except think about my face and how it hurt and looked horrible horrible horrible. Just looking at someone with a clear face made me want to just die on the spot. I could not touch my face because it hurt so bad, so you can imagine how much it hurt when I tried to wash it. I had to be so careful because my face would start to bleed from all the white head I had just like you.

My acne is much much better now, (2 and a half months later)...but my redness is not, and it makes me feel so so horrible, especially with my newly formed scars. I feel so ugly and I feel like no one wants me. So I'm not going to sit here and tell you that you should be happier or not worry about it or move on, because I know most of the time I cannot. I feel like the best most fun years of my life are just slipping in between my fingers because I cant be a normal functioning teenager with this stuff. I feel like I'm deformed or handicapped or something and it fucking sucks. So just hang in there...I know I'm doing my best. But definitely stay of the accutane.

Anyway....if you want to send me a private message or IM me or something you can, I can definitely use someone around my age with about the same amount of acne problems to talk to, it seems like you need someone to talk to as well.

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Agent X:

Hey! Well as I was reading your post, I almost started to cry b/c I could feel how much pain your in. My acne, although not as bad as yours, has led me to feel those same things. Like right now for example I'm going thru a breakout. What sux is that my skin was doing really well for the past few months and now its getting bad again. The frustration is incredible b/c I feel like I will never get over this problem. But hang in there. Accutane will work. I have seen people with acne just as bad as yours and I think even worse who have ended up with clear skin. You just have to give it time. It hasnt even been a month. A lot of people dont start to clear up until 2 or 3 months after they start to take it. So be strong...you are not a disappointment to anyone. I know its difficult, but try to keep a positive attitude and try not to let it run your life. If you ever need to talk, feel free to email me [email protected]!

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Guest agentx

well ... thanks for writing such great replies everyone. But the thing is ... OK i know i have acne ... i know that every morning i wake up ... ill have more and more whiteheads, and then ill sit and think about it for a while ... then ill wash my face and a couple of them will go away and a couple will stay, if aLOT of them stay i wont go to the uni and go back to sleep.

The problem is if i dont go to the university, as im an international student, if i have less then 80% attendance they`ll kick me out of the uni so i HAVE to go, although there have been days when i just dont feel like going and i say to hell with the rules.

What im thinking is that after this semester ends, which is after 35 days, ill go back to my country for 6 months and skip one semester, and carry on my course back in my country where i have people that care. Here im all alone and tat makes it 10 times worse.

I will up my dosage to around 80 when i go to my country cuz i dont want my skin to flare up EVEN more.

I guess ill just bear this suffering for another month or so ... who knows maybe i`ll start getting better in a month. If not ill go bak on 2nd july or something.

The worst part is ... even though i have red spots and pimples all over my face, there are days when the skin is quite allright ... it happens like for 3-4 days every month. I get so happy and do ALMOST everything possible. Go out with friends anjoy etc. Cuz i know these are the only days im gonna be happy for a LONG time.

Oh well everything happens for a reason. My skin hurts so much right now, i have to put ice on it just to get rid of the burning feeling.

And hello50 i`ll ask my derm abt the non ablative lasers when i go to him. I tried looking for them but i cant find them anywhere.

Thanks for everything guys. You are a real help in troubled times. Ill pm you if i need help!

CheerS!

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People tell me "its just your skin dont let it take you over" I hate it when i hear that.

Its Ok to feel like your feeling. Screw the idiots who say that it shouldnt bother you. Only those who have been there, like the people on this forum, can understand what you are going through, and believe me we do.

Its your choice if you want to go back to your home country. I can definitely understand you not wanting to go through this without your friends and family, so if that will make you feel better, then do it. I dont see the problem. I don't think anyone can realistically expect you to juggle so many things at once, especially without the support of others. I know I couldnt do it. In the meantime, try to do as well as you can for the remainder of the semester.

Its good that you havent decided to quit taking the accutane. It really does take a little while before things really get better. I think you will be surprised when things start to turn around. Good luck man.

Andrew

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Be careful upping your dosage to 80 from 20....you'll break out really bad! Your body needs to gradually move up to that point. You probably shouldn't be at 80 till the middle of your treatment. Your body is just getting used to the accutane and pushing out all the bad stuff. The way my derm explained it to me is that my initial outbreak was just getting out all the stuff that was going to come out eventually. So I dont think it will get much worse, and soon it will heal.

I know its SO hard.....but I wouldn't let it affect you to the point you put away your plans for school, etc. Like someone said these decisions will effect your entire life while acne will be gone in like 6 months. Just hang in there......thats what I'm doing my best to do....but I'm definitely not happy. screw it, just do what you think is best, i'm not you. But it seems like you have a great opportunity infront of you to go to another country to study, it sucks that acne has to ruin that.

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Guest agentx

Hey, well ... yea. its been 12 days on accutane now, on 16th june my derm is gonna up my dosage to i think 40 .... and then 60 ... i think 60 is the max he wants me to go to ... we`ll see ... and yes im trying my level best not to ruin my future ... as i know that acne even if it duzent go away ... will EVENTUALLY go away when im 60 years old or somethin 8-[

So i`ll just defer for one semester go back home and get treated ( hopefully ) [-o< and then come back as a new person.

Im gettin more then 85% marks right now till my mid term and im gonna try to keep it up. My skin is a BIT better now ... all the spots etc are still there but my face is not burnin up as usual.

But i know its gonna be worse again so im tryin to hang in there ... i called my parents today and told them that i want to come back in july for treatment and they didnt hesitate to say yes. They know my health is more important then some degree.

So i have exactly 40 days till my semester finishes ... lets hope i get a bit better by then ... and if not then i`ll be off to my country and carry on my treatment over there ... atleast i dont have to worry about ANYTHING else in my own home except this acne.

I sware the day im all clear ... lets hope ... im gonna come to everyone of u and thank you.

CheerS!

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so glad that ur feeling better nw,anyway do anything to make urself feel better, take a break if u need to.ur day will come gd luck!!

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Guest agentx

well ... im going to Matrix today finally ... but it really sux cuz i know i`ll be worse in 4-5 days again :<

Anyways better make most of the time i have at hand.

Thanks peeps...

CheerS!

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you gotta keep on trucking...the accutane will start to kick in. You are feeling rundown and demoralised ...but I think seeing some decent improvement might make you feel like you have changed your stars. Keep your options open for as long as you can re:school and country. Good luck to you.

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i still cant figure why your only on 20 mg a day...my acne isnt as bad and im on 40 mg...i think u should go talk to ur derm.

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Guest agentx

Well, asianguy ... the reason im on 20 mg is that i told my derm that im all alone in this country, with noone to look after me ... so he knows better then to put me on 60 or 80 from the start cuz he doesent want me to suffer from the side effects as well as the acne problems...

He said i`d be on 20 for the first month to get my body used to the tane ... and next month he`ll put me on 40 or more ... up to him ... but i am getting effects on 20 mg so it duzent matter ... it IS workin , i AM flaring up and gettin side effects so i guess ill just run along.

thnx

CheerS!

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Guest agentx

just came back from the movies ... my skin`s hurting again :D oh well nothing new ... anyone notice that lawrence fishbourne AKA Morpheus has a LOT of scars?

I kept looking at everyone`s skin lol im obsessed with it.

CheerS!

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Me too, Mr.X. I'll always be complexion concious, tho it rarely causes me to judge people negatively. It's like you know there's something more to a person who has suffered skin issues. A beauty deeper than skin.

Anyway, I wanted to post you a line as I've always been charmed by your openess and friendly messages.

I don't want to give you bad advice, but remember:

One thing at a time, today think school, tomorrow think....

Life is long, do what it takes to make yourself happy, seek treatment, etc.

Everyone's right about Accutane, stay on it, this is what happens, give it the "ol' college try" uni-boy!!

You are a very nice kid, I like you, and all you've ever done for me is post here. Take heart, as long as you are touching lives w/ brightness, you aren't wasting any time at all.

Namaste'

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Guest agentx

well ... u know there are days when i feel good from the INSIDE although im still the same from the outside. Its strange really, cuz even though my skin is not CLOSE to allright, i still feel good myself. And i decide that im gonna get through this no matter what, its just my skin ... all the people i know KNOW that i have this problem and they see this as a disease which will ( even if it goes around when i am 60 years old or somethin ) eventually go away.

When i feel good inside, i am so full of hope, i say that im gonna finish this damn IT degree of mine, get a good job and live life on. And i make so many plans. Then in a few days, my skin starts to hurt ... and thats when i know that im gonna get another bad bad breakout and ill be back to square one. It shatters everything. I still try to remain in focus. But it IS hard as some of you will know. It really gets me down.

Anyways the thing is we should live life one day at a time, i am making the MOST out of the days i feel good about myself and also the days i feel bad ( atleast i try my level best ).

So lets hope this accutane thing treats me, if not i`ll continue living this life cuz thats the only thing i CAN do. Although im not sure if i`ll come back because its hard enough living with it then living with it all alone.

Thanks for an uplifting post. Ill continue to fight this "disease" and pray for you all that all of you get cured and noone gets as worse as me.

CheerS!

P.S You say namaste in the end :D are you from an indian background or something? :D

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hey angentx

I quite do understand what you feel but it still bothered me enough

I had been suffering from cystic before I entered the last year of my study

It wasn't good for me for certain but I've always hoped for healing this crap, so I was quite optimist (I was dating with some girls, but these weren't my steadies [maybe it's even better] and they didn't want to admit to anybody that I was dating with them...)

Fortunately, this awful condition has been gradually fading away by means of TONS and TONS of retinoids (a number of kinds) but it didn't leave me altogether

that's why I'm on accutane now and I'm gonna stick to it whatever happens (bad or good) to me cause I am CERTAIN that remedy will cure me!

one hint - find good companions who'd also appreciate your wits, intelligence and accept you as you are. I happily found some friends in my university who always motivatied me to go out - there wasn't a single week w/o a good piss-up or concert or a disco - really!

We even sometimes smoked weeds (the stuff ;-) which did some good to me because it gave me some self-distance at times (it's REALLY important).

Don't give up with roaccutane - my younger brother has had, say, very very similar case to yours 2 months ago - the worst he had in his life - he's taking 20 mg of the med since and is clearing up - he is so smooth and clear (tho' has still some major marks).

I PROMISE YOU SHALL CLEAR YOU FACE UP IN A MATTER OF WEEKS, honest Injun!!!

The other thing is whether it'll go for ever (I'm also concerned about me ;-[

but then we'll have to use BP once a day only ;-)

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Guest agentx

hey, thanks for the encouragement ... i also have faith in accutane ... i do believe it IS the ultimate cure ... but its just that somedays im VERY pissed off at my skin. And ... like today i feel really good.

I do have friends who KNOW that this is a disease and will go away. They never taunt me about my skin and are very caring. But even when they ask me to go out, there are days when i dont even want to leave my room.

Anyways better make most of the days that i feel good. And if your brother was as bad as me, and he`s clearing up ... thats a good thing right? :)

Keeping hopes alive!

- Agent

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heya!

it's the first time I saw your skin in the gallery

hey guy! your acne seems to be better than mine about 3 years ago!!!

maybe i haven't had as many lesions as you do, but mine were LAAAARGE

and when I mean large, that means really large, man!

at times my cysts have gone up to be 3-5mm in the radius!

i even thought it isn't acne itself but some kinds of tumors :)(

i wish i had a camera now, I could place my photo here - my skin is almost RADIANT now, especially after 2 months of Accutane (but it was quite good even after prolonged use of topicals with vitamin A, solely)

so hope (and perseverence of course) is everything you need now - it will pay some time!

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i'm also a matrix sworn lover =P~

and I'm looking forward watching it, can't stay calm waiting for it...

have you seen it??? what comments?

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Guest agentx

what do u think? IT ROX!!! lol ... it came out the friday before the last friday but my skin was so bad i didnt wanna go :)

And hmm ... well my skin right now is worse then it is in the gallery :D i posted in the gallery cuz i thought my skin was getting better untill it got worse ... i guess i wuz looking for results very early :/

Whats your weight rAf? and how much dosage are u on?

CheerS!

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agentx, I've seen your pics and while I can't say I know how you feel completely, I do to a certain degree. It has definately taken a toll on my social life, I find myself staying home more often and my self confidence is definately down.

I've tried almost everything and I think I have some advice that may help. As far as the pain, its probably from the cysts. I usually put a warm towel on my face for 5 minutes a day. It either brings them to the surface or takes down redness. Also, make sure you are getting plenty of Vitamin C. Not from pills, try drinking lemon water or orange juice. The best treatment for cysts is antibiotics, nothing else can really reach that far under the skin (besides Accutane). But while you are on Accutane, I'm sure you are aware of the side effects, but also be aware that it can cause mood swings and depression. If you feel worse than ever and just can't get happy or at least normal, remember it is not you, it is the Accutane. It could get really rough without anyone to support you. Best of luck and I hope the Accutane kicks this horrible affliction out of your life.

Oh yeah, and acne is my proof there is no god. Best of luck!

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