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Darth Hideous

I feel like dying is the only answer

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At 14 and the start of '05 was my worst year ever , i was in my second semester of high school and i went through hell. I broke out really badly over my forhead and before i had flawless skin because i was useind prescribed ethromycine and then i was so stupid to keep using it after i was already cured beacuase then i became ammune to it. I became really depressed crying at least 2 times each day after i came home from school wich made it worse my acne spread to my cheeks then my chin,but i did some clear spaces. then i had to go see another dermy which gave me tetracycline eusa_think.gif it was ok.Also Bp eusa_naughty.gif ahh i hated it.Also eusa_shifty.gif retin A oww! And then that didnt work so differin shock.gif nope not good. So then he told me my last resort Accutane. So i went to mexico (where i went to get my skin got really clear with the ethromycine) and he told me the same to use Accutane but over there its called Oratane.So now im on it whether i like it or not cus i want to get cured.

During the first 3 months of '05 all i thiught about was killing myself and wishing someone could kill me to , i went to church eusa_angel.gif to get my depression problem fixed and my mom sent me to couslors.

Right now im just hoping for a fast and easy recovery from being depressed and hope to get the body that i had before because acne makes you depresserd and lose wieght. Also it makes you lose high school rlationships you almost had... sad.gif .

i just tell u its no use if u try to kill urself "thou shall not kill" just fight for your life not your acnes life beacause they Will Die!

yes im still 14 almost 15 and second 1/2 week on accutane and i hope ill be ok and hope i look good for my big party in july...

PLEASE STAY SAFE AND HAPPY ILL PRAY FOR YOU TO GET BETTER AND THOSE WHO ALSO STRUGGLE, PINKFAIRY23.

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im gonna keep it real here

ive been there before my ive thoguht death was the only answer. i found something thats awesome though, its called weed, and its great. it will make you not care about acne, plus it will loosen you up, and bring tons of confidence, some may disagree, but like i said im keeping it real, and in all honesty i think marijuana is right up your alley, did wonders for me. i said things to people i would have never said when i wasnt high!

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Guest David
The only thing absurd is your lack of rationale.  If you don't see the similarities, then I'm sorry for you.

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Dedicate your life to others. Start by volunteering - do any volunteer work you can - you could start tomorrow, always plenty of work out there. The people you help out will be glad for your help. You'll feel less alienated.

Alienation - now there's a word for the 21st century, look it up.

If you can't find value in yourself, let others find it for you.

You obviously care a great deal about what other people think - it's made you suicidal. Maybe some of the people around you have a negative effect on your self esteem, I don't know. Anyhow, get that positive feedback from other people. Once you've got enough, you won't need it as badly, but it will still feel good.

I volunteer, it's kick ass, and would do it all the time if it were financially viable.

Stop watching TV (or reduce, if you can) and ignore the ridiculous stereotypes we're all apparently supposed to live up to. By the way, no one can, and no one does live up to them.

Get some friends who don't think superficial and can relate to what you're going through. They're hard to find, but worth it.

Get your own space (quiet time), but don't shut yourself off from the world. Have social contact on terms you are comfortable with. Help others.

Remember, "this too shall pass"

And see a doc. Depression, while having psycho-social causes, also has biological causes, therefore it has biological solutions (i.e. anti-depressants).

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"Every young man should have this sentiment planted and nourished in him, that he is to regard himself as one of Nature's failures, but as also a proof of her great and wonderful intention; she succeeded ill, he must say to himself, but I will honor her intention by serving towards her better future success." - Schopenhauer.

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Darth - glad to have seen you posted, but sad that you seem to be feeling the same way.

Please Darth, at least think of those around you who would be saddened if you were gone. It may be hard to imagine that they would indeed feel that way, but it would break their hearts. There is always a way, though you may not have found it yet.

I had an idea that may be considered a stupid one, but I was thinking, would you be brave enough to post a picture of yourself here? I thought maybe that way we could give you either positive or constructive feedback, and this might at least boost your feelings about your appearance (we are too often harder on ourselves). I don't mean us lying to you simply to make you feel better, but I also don't mean being critical either. We can give you the appropriate compliments, or perhaps respectful but honest suggestions to help improve upon something (you may be surprised that someone out there may have many things in common with you and is just longing to connect).

I just thought maybe this could be helpful in a small way... It may be something you would not want at all, and I would understand, but would you consider it?

Please don't give up. I don't have the answers, but I truly believe there is meaning to life - there truly is a silver lining to be found in a cloud. Imagine the day (though I know it seems impossible at the moment) you will overcome this. Your experience will be so important in helping others, as you will be able to relate to them and offer hope. You nor your life are useless. I truly believe there are reasons to everything, so I hope you won't give up.

Li B.

P.S. You may feel in your life that you are losing, but that's not true. You are still very much in the game, and though it may feel like you are one against hundreds of obstacles, you really can do it. The only way to lose at the game of life is abandoning and walking away.

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You have to try and snap out of your negative thinking, thats all I can say.

Try to live your life doing the few things you enjoy, because depression sometimes takes that away from us.

Life gets better I'm sure of that, just hang in there.

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dudei totally wanan kill myself right now too but i know far far too many times that i'll get clear again and then this will happen again. its a fucking vicious cycle so when ur clear live your life to the fullest. I would love to show a picture of me tonight and of me on saturday and how different i look its sad.

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Guest Marino
All I'm waiting for is a way to end this and make it look as natural and accidental as possible. There is nothing worth living for.

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I genuinely believe this guy is full of S#it.

Really, if one's to end his/her life and refuses to take on board positive comments by posting contemplations of suicide, why the hell post such sentiments in the first place? For someone to write so eloquently, and believes he's deformed in EVERY possible way and thus must quit living, seems ridiculous. Anyone heard of ADD? I think this guy has it. Of course, he could be telling the truth...? Apologies if I sound abrupt and inconsiderate.

Either way, this guy is SAD, very SAD. The biggest losers in the world are those who give up on themselves...Unless you have no friends, no family, won't EVER make any friends, have no income, have no possibility to earn money EVER, have no limbs whatsoever, are blind, deaf, dumb, stupid (attributing ALL these misfortunes) I could understand why you want to quit living. Otherwise (and if you're genuine) persist with life you lazy prick. I'm sure others have it tougher than you do.

rolleyes.gif

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I know it's frustrating guys, but we can never take something like suicide lightly, and we shouldn't be insensitive.

Please don't get me wrong - I am not encouraging this state or behavior, but I think it is far more complicated than we realize. When people are at such a low point, it is often difficult for them to see beyond themselves. Some people are better or have an easier time picking themselves up and doing what they must to get better, but for others, it's hard because it's like a circle. Depression robs us of motivation, interest, etc., and yet we have to find a way to continue without seeing a purpose.

I hope he can try to believe that there is a purpose, in spite of the fact that it may be hard to see.

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You think I don't *try*? It is because I tried that I feel hopeless. I tried and repeatedly failed. I'm not going to list out what I've tried and what I've done. You'd wonder why I can do so much and still feel depressed about it.

I want to die because I'm so alone, all the time. I can try to accept the solitude but it still tears me apart.

Not one fucking person in the world wants anything to do with me unless there's something I can do for them. And when I need something, what happens? They go away. I can't live a life where everyone leaves when I need them the most. I can't make a connection and I need one. I desperately need to make a connection. I can't even though I try. Tried my hardest.

I have the money to get whatever shit I want. For example, braces for my fucked up teeth and drugs for my skin. I have time to go to the gym. But you know what: I can't! I've got irreversible bone loss in my jaws that make braces tricky and maybe impossible. No drugs work for my skin. My shoulder joints don't work properly and I can't do any sort of worthwhile exercise. So where does that leave me? Absolutely not a snowball's chance in hell that anyone could ever love me.

Did I try to look for solutions to those? Hell yes. There's no cure. The problem is not tractable. The solution does not exist.

So what the fuck else am I supposed to do? I am not going to live the next 50 years all alone. I can't. I'll be dead before I die. So I might as well die before I'm dead inside.

So you know what, after I find a good plan to kill myself, I'll kindly take the exit. Just because I've made up my mind already doesn't mean I can't lash out every once in a while and say something bitter.

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to you people who think this guy is just attention seeking -have you ever been so low you don't know what to do next? Have you honestly ever felt like life is just too hard a fight? Have you ever reached a point when you realise that no matter what you do nothing will go right? Because if you haven't then please don't post comments putting him down. Fair enough he might be attention seeking but that is not for us to say. We should be here to offer him support or advice not to push him lower than he already is. This guy is obviously struggling as are many of us. There is a rate of people committing suicide, who is to say who is genuinely tired of fighting and who isn't? For some who are stronger, when they are at a low point think of something to urge them on and get them back on their feet. Maybe this guy is so depressed he can't see anything to fight for at the minute. I hope i'm not offending anyone, i just ask you please do not judge him without knowing what he is going through.

Darth -you ever want to talk feel free to pm me, i can actually relate to a lot of what you said.

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Darth,

That was one of the most honest posts I read from you. I felt you really expressed your aching from the core and I thank you.

Darth, I am in no way trying to minimize how you feel, please know that.

I was thinking, though, from what you say there are serious things making it difficult for you to do what you could in normal circumstances. Sometimes there will be things we will never be able to do, and must somehow learn to accept. Other times, the only thing stopping us is our perception that it is impossible.

But though there may be things that make it hard for you and others, it's not these things that can determine your life completely. If you keep trying and seemingly failing, sometimes it may be important not to assume there is something so wrong with you and that the world is against you, but simply to take an honest look at yourself and first, appreciate the good in you, and second, see if it could possibly be your expectations, your approach, your attitude. One of these things could be slightly off, and this may be throwing everything else off. Some things are out of our control, and some people have so many obstacles thrown their way, but sometimes the only true obstacle is the person.

I want to share something with you.

I was watching a show on Sunday, and this man was admirable. He had a disease affecting the skin on his body and its ability to regenerate, and ultimately, lost the use of his hands and even legs, I believe. 75% of his body was covered in sores, and once a week, his mother would change his bandages, and even after 30 something years, the pain was still difficult to bear. The most difficult was probably knowing this would not change his condition. He did not go through puberty because of it, therefore it was like a man in a boy's body. His voice was higher due to scars on his vocal cords. He had sores on his head also that were a greenish color. Then, to top it off, he was diagnosed with cancer, and was given approx. one year to live. I think this devastated him.

He did the things he wanted to do before passing, such as learning to fly, having a housewarming party, etc. This did not change the fact that he was to die. He even helped plan his funeral, and bought his own coffin.

This person hurt, cried, did not feel he could have the type of love he would like, and looked forward to the freedom of death at the end.

But his attitude was remarkable. I don't know how, but he did his best. He felt there was a reason to all of it, and that he would eventually make history and others with his disease would not have to suffer as he did. Every day one of his challenges was to put his hat on his head with the use of his arms. Sometimes it woud fall to the ground, and he would feel frustrated, and sometimes, it would fall onto his head, and he would view it as a success. He stopped trying to be so self-sufficient for things he did in fact need help with, so if someone would hold the door for him or ask if they could help, he would no longer refuse.

He was able to keep his humour, and came to accept death. What helped was believing there was a reason to everything and that something would be waiting for him afterward. Whether people believe in this or not is their personal choice, but I don't feel it can be bad for us.

He lived as much as he could, and was able to experience incredible things nonetheless. He had people who loved him, and whom he loved. But it could have easily been different, I am sure, had he let it all get the best of him. He did not hide his frustrations, but I think he understood it would not change his condition but only make his life unpleasant, and therefore chose to live as positively as he could.

Here is a link leading to a story about him: http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,7-1040286,00.html

I feel you have the potential Darth to be an inspiration once you overcome this.

We are all searching for a connection, for intimacy, for love. Darth, you might be surprised how someone could love you, if only you could learn to love yourself.

You may not be perfect - you may be far from it in your eyes, but to someone else, your flaws could be overlooked if you would let the good in your heart shine through. It can make an incredible difference.

I will keep you in my prayers (even if you tell me not to waste my time or tell me you don't believe).

Li B.

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Interesting story but it doesn't prove anything. Your outward actions - what you project to the world - is not who you truly are. We all hide what we feel. I'm terrified of people knowing, in person, how worthless I feel. I hide it. I put on a facade. I try to make people laugh. It works. But in the end, I know that it's all just a lie. It's just an IMAGE of keeping a positive attitude in spite of <whatever> shortcomings we have. Is it necessarily the case for the person in the story? Maybe but we will never know.

And no one can overlook as many flaws as I have. That's why I really don't like it when perfectly attractive people complain about having acne and how it's devestating them. If that's your only problem, people will overlook it. But if you have as many unattractive qualities as I do, then no one will be willing to see past it. It just doesn't happen.

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Existence is what you make of it. Your situation is managable, i'd say atleast 75% of the world are in a much worse predicament then you are.

However, I do find it depressing that the purpose of our life, what we inevitably accomplish is to die. Before we reach that point you have one chance to enjoy the time your given on Earth, there is no restart,respawn,redo. You have but one life, live it well.

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The only thing absurd is your lack of rationale.  If you don't see the similarities, then I'm sorry for you.

Your analogy is a bad one. If one quits a game of tennis they still have other things in their life that they can do. The stakes of an ordinary game of tennis aren't high. Walking away from a game means they have wasted an hour of their time say, that is all.

If the stakes of the game of tennis were higher (eg they were playing for £1.2 million) then they would most likely give it a shot anyway.

Do you see?

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Darth,

There is a point to the story. The point is that how we choose to live strongly affects the quality of our lives.

Whether what someone portrays to the world of themselves is honest or not truly depends on the person portraying, so unless you have stood in every person's shoes, I don't believe you can make the statement you did and assume it is never what is truly felt or how one truly is.

Sometimes in the beginning we must push ourselves a little, be it by a little smile or trying something new, and act in a way that we would ultimately like to feel. This is not in the least to put on a façade or false front, but to help us feel better by taking small steps that can help lift us out of the dark spot we are in. By acting a certain way, life, things, people often respond accordingly. By being negative, we can sometimes attract sympathy, but we also begin to attract all that is negative. It is only logical. When we are positive, more and more around us reflects positivity.

This doesn't mean we will never again experience anything negative, or that we won't hurt inside at times, or that we should not express our sadness. I believe sad events and experiences can very much bring people together and remind them about compassion. But when it consumes us and becomes a way of life, it is no longer healthy. We must accept our feelings and allow for them, but must also decide to take control again, because often, we believe we have none and have forgotten the strength we possess.

People used to ask me how I was and I would constantly answer ''so-so'' until one day, I answered ''good'', and the conscious difference I felt from something so small and difference in the way the world responded to me were amazing. Sometimes life and my feelings were still hard to live with, and sometimes still are, but for me, it wasn't and isn't about pretending. I actually feel better upon smiling and interacting with people who add to my life in both the smallest or biggest ways, and I feel I make myself valuable by being able to contribute to those around me. I have a tendency, as many do, to isolate myself when I am down, but although we need alone time, this will not help our situation at all.

Why did you decide to begin this thread, Darth?

May I ask, how can you desire to be loved, and then refuse what is offered to you, when it can very well be sincere? How can you deny or reject the true compassion and care some have presented here? This I do not understand.

And how can you long to be valued when it seems you have already placed a higher value on yourself than someone should by assuming no one could relate to you or what you have experienced, and by assuming no one can look beyond physical imperfections, and by assuming the thoughts of others? There is no way you can know what is in every individual's heart and head, and even if you were only generalizing, it is still not justified, in my humble opinion.

By constantly defending yourself or putting down what is suggested, you cannot expect something unrealistic from people, and then go about to say no one cares about you.

You do not have to agree with or adopt their ideas - but being open to them, truly considering them and appreciating them is something else.

So to me, this isn't about trying to be right. It is me sharing my view in hopes you can see something in a new light, but you have to be open to it.

Please do not underestimate how your perception is affecting so much.

I feel it is naive to think no one can overlook your flaws. You strongly underestimate the potential of good people.

You are lacking faith in people and life, and that is the only significant difference between you and the man in the story. That is the point of it all.

And it can be changed.

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i just came across this thread. I have to say, as a person very familiar with the mental health field (I have a parent who is a counselor and a sibling that works at our local psychiatric hospital); I am so worried about you. I was told that the way mental health professionals evaluate the seriousness of a suicide threat is the actual threat. If a person says how they are going to do it and with what device; they are usually serious. Most people that try it do not succeed and they later say, they did not want to really want to succeed. However, there are those that do and they can NEVER take that back. If you were to tell any medical or mental profession what you said on this thread; they are by law bound to put you under psychiatric care for 48 hours. At least in the state I live in. Please tell someone if these feelings do not go away. My friend was brutally murdered last year and I know that her family and friends suffer everyday. She did not have a choice, but you do. Even if you don't want to get help - it is the chemical mess in your head, which is not your fault, you need it. Good luck and keep us updated.

ps We have a homeless shelter in my city and they love help and they do not care who is helping. It is equal opportunity volunteering. Spend time there and I tell you, it really puts things in perspective for me.

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