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Darth Hideous

I feel like dying is the only answer

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There are just too many things wrong with me and I can't fix them all. I've got this knife here that I've been staring at for the past hour. I can't figure it out. Is life worth living? When I can never be the person I want to be, never have what I want? Physically, I have no attractive qualities. And while I can change one or two things, there's a dozen others still floating around and I can't change it all. Medical science can't fix all my problems; they don't have a cure for them. And mentally, I'm completely incompetent. And I know that no matter what I do, I can't gain the ability to think or increase my intelligence. I'm not going to have any money, any relationships, any real accomplishment. I'll be alone and friendless. What's there that makes living through that worth it? If there's no joy, then it's all worthless.

Everyday, things get worse. I lose more and more of what I thought I had. I learn how inadequate I am and see it demonstrated to me. Whatever I do is simply not good enough. And there are things I would like to try hard at, but there's always an insurmountable problem, such as an incurable disease or a simple random occurrence, that prevent me from doing so. As egocentric as it sounds, it seems like the universe has been designed to destroy me. I've been wishing that something would kill me for a very long time. Now I think that I have to do it myself, while I still have the ability. I have a nagging suspicion that I may lose the ability to end my own life and at that point, I'll live as long as I will with no escape.

But I just can't bring myself to press that knife in my throat. What's holding me back? Fear of pain? Some lingering hope? A refusal to admit defeat?

I hate it all, everything. I'm trapped here and there's nothing I can do.

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Guest Shjaker

I hope you got my PM hun..

Keep those gorgeous eyes sparklin`

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don't put yourself odwn. maybe you only feel like your 'not good enough' cause your measuring yourself against society's ridiculous expectations. why do you say your not going to have money, any relationships - real accomplishments? i don't think these are real accomplishments at all. anyone could be a prostistute and earn tons of money, it doesn't justify anything. society says relationships with another are something vital we have to have. it's like without another person we're not complete. but waiting for someone else to come along and make us happy is just a fabricated idea. if you can't be happy be yourself i don't believe you can be happy and comfortable in a relationship with another person.

it's so hard not to be so engulfed in everything we find wrong with ourselves. but i know that killing yourself is not the answer. everyone can potentially be as happy as they imagine, but i know it's not that easy. you could concentrate on things you like or enjoy. i honestly know how difficult it is not to concentrate on everything you hate about yourself, but little steps can get you places. stop looking in the mirror. stop comparing yourself to others. forget what other people might be thinking. who are they to judge you anyway? do something that makes you happy. it was hard for me to realize this too but the truth is sitting around making myself depressed won't help me at all. i KNOW you can't just 'snap out' of depression, i know how difficult it is. but it's all about your attitude. the world doesn't care about your happiness, the least you can do is care about yourself. if you think other people are constantly judging you why would you do that to yourself? the only person that can change your outlook on life is you..

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Nothing makes me happy. I'm only happy when I get what I want. And I never get what I want. I feel so alone and useless.

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I also, like many people, get stuck in negative mindsets that are hard to escape. We let our minds sometimes take complete control of ourselves without even realizing that we could have some control over our minds. If you want to really get away from all this negativity stop thinking about it, atleast most of the time. If you want to think about it, set up a time to do so and don't just think about it throughout the whole day without any resolve. Meditation is just an awesome gift we could use to stop thinking negatively, to enjoy the moment, etc. Try it and maybe that will help. I know how it feels when sometimes no matter how hard you try nothing seems to work, but you'll find a way if you keep looking. Take care and good luck

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other peoples opinions shouldn't be the only source of your happiness.

what if you acutally felt like you are valued yourself. what qualities would make you value another person?

try to make yourself a better person on the inside, someone you would want to be.

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I had a friend who killed herself a few years ago.

When I got the call, I thought - "Were you alone? Were you frightened? Were you peaceful? Who did you think of? Are things better?"

And there were no answers.

There never will be. The only one who could tell me that is dead.

That's the sad thing about it - no one knows if it's better on the other side, because the only ones who could tell us are dead.

I hope, for Mikki's sake, it is.

But I still miss her. I wish she would have told me. I wish so much.

And there is nothing more to ever be done about it, unfortunatly. Except, of course, try to settle the questions that will never be answered.

People talk so lightly of suicide. I used to. And then someone I loved took thier own life.

It changes everything. Please, Darth, don't assume that I am saying YOU are speaking of suicide lightly.

It's just....such a big thing. So much bigger than I imagined it would be when it happened to me.

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Well, first off, you need to remember that your life could be worse. It seems so difficult to think that, given your circumstances, but chances are your situation could be worse.

Before people can value you, you have to value yourself.

You say that the only time your happy is when you get what you want. Well, sorry to say, but with that sort of attitude, you'll never be happy. We can't always get what we want, no matter how we try.

You just have to keep faith in yourself. That's the number one thing. Take v-LO's advice; other peoples opinions shouldn't be the only source of your happiness

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Guest Amy Lee
Nothing makes me happy. I'm only happy when I get what I want. And I never get what I want. I feel so alone and useless.

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My fiance might disagree with me having sex with anyone else.... tongue.gif

Darth, you are in some pain. And honestly, this is the first post I've seen of yours in quite some time that is about the pain. About the reality of what is going on. In this post, you are talking about the hurt and not just the hate.

I want you to know I respect you for that. I've been snarky at you before - but I want you to know - this....what you are talking about HERE....this is real. This is connection.

*hugs*

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Darth, I hate to trivialize what may well be a life-or-death situation here, but if there is one thing that's clear from every post you have ever made, it is that you desperately crave attention. I just can't help but see both this thread and the tragic act it contemplates as yet another cry for help, not to save you from yourself because you are genuinely depressed or unstable enough to commit suicide but because the threat of suicide and indeed the act of suicide itself represents a way, whether in life or death, of NOT being ignored.

I think that you calling yourself "hideous" all the time is even a way of feeling that at least people notice and respond to you, instead of simply ignoring you. I must say that I have never met anyone with so much pessimism and self-loathing in them. I don't know whether this is from some kind of a trauma or something. But then, this is just the internet and who is to say how much of our true selves we really share; I don't really know you.

I think you would do well to consider the words of Norman Cousins: "The great tragedy of life is not that we die but what we let die inside of us while we live." If what you post is any indiciation, you are killing yourself quietly from within with each and every day that goes by. Your cynicism and introversion in life is what is suicidal; even though you appear alive you are willingly dying inside.

I think you would seriously benefit from spending a day volunteering in an oncology ward full of children dying of cancer yet laughing and playing to the very end, or maybe an elderly care home full of old diseased people who have not been visited by their children in decades and are all alone in the world with so many stories to tell and no one who could care to listen.

Get OUTSIDE your self-pitying head and realize that in this world there are so many people worse off than yourself who, despite more adversity than you can ever imagine let alone experience in your life, struggle on with their head held high and a whistle on their lips.

Have you ever been sent to a concentration camp, or sold into slavery, or violently gang-raped and mutilated, or survived a horrific accident, or lost your wife to a drunk driver, or been diagnosed with a terminal illness?

People have been in these situations and still choose to believe that there is good in the world and that life is still a beautiful thing, not to be wasted or missed out on. I think that if you spent some time with people who've seen true adversity, who've been to the limits of life experience and back, you'd get outside your head... and into your heart, where you'll see your life as you want to live it.

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Darth, I hate to trivialize what may well be a life-or-death situation here, but if there is one thing that's clear from every post you have ever made, it is that you desperately crave attention. I just can't help but see both this thread and the tragic act it contemplates as yet another cry for help, not to save you from yourself because you are genuinely depressed or unstable enough to commit suicide but because the threat of suicide and indeed the act of suicide itself represents a way, whether in life or death, of NOT being ignored.

I think that you calling yourself "hideous" all the time is even a way of feeling that at least people notice and respond to you, instead of simply ignoring you. I must say that I have never met anyone with so much pessimism and self-loathing in them. I don't know whether this is from some kind of a trauma or something. But then, this is just the internet and who is to say how much of our true selves we really share; I don't really know you.

I think you would do well to consider the words of Norman Cousins: "The great tragedy of life is not that we die but what we let die inside of us while we live." If what you post is any indiciation, you are killing yourself quietly from within with each and every day that goes by. Your cynicism and introversion in life is what is suicidal; even though you appear alive you are willingly dying inside.

I think you would seriously benefit from spending a day volunteering in an oncology ward full of children dying of cancer yet laughing and playing to the very end, or maybe an elderly care home full of old diseased people who have not been visited by their children in decades and are all alone in the world with so many stories to tell and no one who could care to listen.

Get OUTSIDE your self-pitying head and realize that in this world there are so many people worse off than yourself who, despite more adversity than you can ever imagine let alone experience in your life, struggle on with their head held high and a whistle on their lips.

Have you ever been sent to a concentration camp, or sold into slavery, or violently gang-raped and mutilated, or survived a horrific accident, or lost your wife to a drunk driver, or been diagnosed with a terminal illness?

People have been in these situations and still choose to believe that there is good in the world and that life is still a beautiful thing, not to be wasted or missed out on. I think that if you spent some time with people who've seen true adversity, who've been to the limits of life experience and back, you'd get outside your head... and into your heart, where you'll see your life as you want to live it.

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Darth, I hate to trivialize what may well be a life-or-death situation here, but if there is one thing that's clear from every post you have ever made, it is that you desperately crave attention. I just can't help but see both this thread and the tragic act it contemplates as yet another cry for help, not to save you from yourself because you are genuinely depressed or unstable enough to commit suicide but because the threat of suicide and indeed the act of suicide itself represents a way, whether in life or death, of NOT being ignored.

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I would say, Darth, that suicide becomes viable when you decide it is.

I cannot judge Mikki for killing herself. I cannot say that her pain was not so great that perhaps death was the only way to end it. I refuse to judge her as weak for killing herself, because I am not her and I don't know what she was going through exactly.

But I also cannot say that her pain may have not had another solution. There very well may have been. But again, I will never know.

Because she is dead, and will never be able to tell me.

In the end, Darth, only you can make that descision.

In the absolute end, Darth, only you can say if you are hopeless or not. What good would the world's help do you if you do not want it?

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other peoples opinions shouldn't be the only source of your happiness.

what if you acutally felt like you are valued yourself. what qualities would make you value another person?

try to make yourself a better person on the inside, someone you would want to be.

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Sounds like you've made up your mind, Darth.

So what IS keeping you from that knife? I don't understand.

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Not stupid. Just human. After all, our number one instinct is self-preservation.

Hope is a curious thing. It doesn't mean you feel good about the bad stuff. It doesn't mean you hurt less. It doesn't mean you are all hunky dory.

It just means you haven't killed yourself yet.

That puts you one mark ahead of the game. At least, ahead of Mikki.

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Look man, and I wouldn’t say this if I didn’t want to make a point, there are a lot of “unfortunate looking� people in this world, you think they’re happy with their lives too? No, but somehow they find ways to go on. Also, think of the people in Africa, Iraq, etc., they’d be lucky to have a problem only half as bad as yours. Heck, if you polled everyone in this country, most would probably say they’re unhappy with their lives. A typical day of a 30-something American male probably consists of working from 9 to 5 and catching a Lakers game afterwards, that’s nothing interesting

You don’t need to have a relationship to enjoy life. Trust me, once the initial phase wears off, “love�, like everything else is just a sensation, susceptible to monotony and blandness. Then you think of all the responsibilities if you get too serious and you just kinda stay away.

Find other ways to keep yourself occupied. Since the occasional one-nighter is probably out of the question because of your supposed hideousness, I suggest you seek out and enjoy the most exquisite food that you can, go to the beach, watch or play sports, hell, even play video games. Unless you’re some sort of sociopath that needs fresh pussy every night to keep you contented, surely you can find ways to keep your life interesting.

Finally, I don’t believe that your problem is so bad that nothing but a nose job and some braces couldn’t fix. Hell, go for penis enlargement if you’re into that sort of thing. The point here is that there are options.

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