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I was thinking about you today and your high dose treatment.

I know you were having a hard time with a breakout for a while.

How is your progress, and how are you feeling?

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wow----thanks. i have tears in my eyes from your concern. it is nice to know that there are people out there who have been through what i am going through and who can understand the pain of it.

that said--here goes...

i think everything is still not going so well. i am a wreck emotionally from all the meds and the skin situation (and i think the prednisone is kinda doing a number on my sanity--i am very weepy). there is a lot going on in my life right now with school (i'm on vacation, but go back on monday) starting work again monday, and i was at my dad's for a week, i was emotional there and my dad was like, your skin will get better, without me even saying that that was what i was upset about...i don't know. i just wanted him to tell me that i was pretty no matter what or something. i went up to this yoga place for a few days and when i checked in, the lady was like, "did you eat something funny?" and pointed to her cheeks...i was like, "no, i just have really bad skin"...so that got me all pissed/sad/annoyed/disappointed.

it was really hard for me to be there--there were a lot of family there and you know when everyone wakes up in the morning and gets breakfast started…all in their Pjs and stuff, all just woken up--- i just didn't feel comfortable in my naked face. i was never one for make-up, and i don't even think that it is doing much at this point (make-up can't really do shit for terrain issues) but I feel a little more secure with it on, but feel so stupid going to breakfast with make-up on… so i was uncomfortable. a lot. and i was thinking that i am putting, like, 80% of my energy into being worried about what people are thinking when they look at me. and i am exhausted ALL THE TIME.

about the actual status of my skin, i can't tell. some days it is still horrible. today was one of those days. i am still breaking out in cysts and whiteheadsâ€â€what the fuck?! i am on my cycle this week, so maybe it is more because of that--donno. all i know is i am still miserable with the progress. i think it will eventually work. but i am very frustrated about why it hasn't yet. i am terrified of having to spend the rest of my life under a make-up mask, terrified of scars and of (i hate to admit it) not finding someone who will love me when i look like this.

i don't mean to be dramatic or anything. but when i went on accutane, i consciously took myself out of the dating game for what i thought was a finite 5-month stint of, what i likened to a medical leave-of-absence. i have really spent a lot of time alone, which i like....but it is hard to go through this without intimate support. (know what I mean?) but i am worried about what it will feel like to get back in the swing of things. when i was up at my dad's, a family friend told me about this son of a friend of hers and how she wants to set me up---i would like to go on a date, but i can NOT imagine what kissing someone would be like with skin like this. (not that we would necessarily be kissing on the first date-lol) but what if it progressed--i cringe when i think of a guy caressing my cheek. i think i have also been gaining weight from the prednisone--which adds to the misery of not looking like i want to look like...ugh.

so, long story short (but not really short)...

skin, still bad.

dose, still high.

spirits, still borderline.

belly, still bloated.

prednisone, still 20/day.

acne, still STOOOOPID.

thanks again for your concern...actually writing this really helped. i'll re-post it to my log page.

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Sorry to hear that things are still pretty tough for you. You really do deserve clear skin. And you WILL get it. I know, this waiting thing is killing you, and I can totally understand.

I know exactly how you feel about hiding under makeup. I had to go camping with friends a little while ago when my acne started to take a turn for the worse. And did I feel silly when I had to wash and make up my face before even walking out of the camper in the morning. Hehe, they all knew why. But they were nice enough to keep their traps shut.

Unlike that lady who commented on your cheeks. What a Bitch!! You know she is obviously compensating for something she thinks is horribly wrong with her.

Also, I understand that it can be hard to go through this alone. I am not alone, but for the longest time I would just put on this show like it didn't bother me. I was too ambarrased to point out to anyone that I hated my skin. I didn't waant them to Look that much. Then I would cry ALOT when I was alone. But then once I had a few crying fits infront of a couple people about it, (close family) I felt alot better. it's like taking a load off. Even though the acne is still there.

Anyway, cheer up please. I know it's hard, and it sux, and it hurts on so many levels. But you are going to see releif, it's coming. Nice to hear from you again.

P.S. is that you in the pic? If so, then you are definately pretty enough to find a great love, acne or no acne, scars or no scars. Keep me (or us) updated on your progress.

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thanks again for all your support.

i know it will get better. i know i will evenutally look good. it's the waiting game that sucks.

have a great day.

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