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Red_Butterfly

The Past is Dead and I'm Starting Over

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I hope this is ok, to post a story of mine. I'm trying to cope with things. I found out yesterday that my ex has been secretly dating another girl for two months. One of those young, petite asian women with zero fat and flawless skin.

I wanted this guy so bad, thought of marrying him, thought of changing my religion to Buddhism for him. He wanted me for a while, loved me for a while. But then acne came and I withdrew from him, refused to see him for so long. What would any guy do but date other girls?

Right now I'm in the process of healing my skin, but the scars inside are bad. I'm an emotional wreck. I have no idea how I'll go from here.

The sunlight feels so good on my skin. I opened all the windows of the apartment - to let all sort of light in. The lamps are all lit up despite the fact that it's the middle of the day. I just don't want any kind of darkness for now - I can easily slide into a self-destructive behaviour.

I have discovered last night that writing is the only way I can cope. That and the concern of friends who cared enough to check up on me before I slept and upon waking up.

Right now I've got stories in my brain. Complete conversation, right kind of setting, right facial gestures....of an event that will take place maybe in the near future. It's not really a very interesting setting or conversation or story...kinda boring if I'd write it down on paper...but for me this vision is very important.

************************

Picture this: a guy and a girl, walking in a park. Save for some people walking their dogs, they are alone. And they are walking, quietly, calmly, not really aware of their surroundings. They are surrounded by their own thoughts instead.

When the guy breaks the silence he is hesitant, as if he is choosing his words. The words that come out are placid, carefully controlled. He inhales after the last one, bracing for something. But to his surprise the girl shakes her head, smiles nonchalantly, and focuses on an impressive bloom of flowers - he doesn't make an attempt to look where she's looking because he is more intent in reading her thoughts through her eyes.

She is not there. There's a serene smile on her face, a calm that he hasn't seen before...and he cannot reach her. He doesn't know why his relief has more than a tinge of sadness in it. He expects accusations, tears, and maybe anger and a slap in the face. Yes, he expects all those and and is ready for them.

But there she is, her face being caressed by the gentle April sunlight, her eyes closed now, hiding her expression from him. Her lips are tilted at the corners. She looks like she's about to burst into laughter.

She opens her eyes and looks at him. He is somewhat bemused, she thinks. And a little irritated. She raises her brows and says, "I'm sorry - were you saying something?"

"No," he says, roughly. "You've changed."

She shrugs her shoulders. It is a graceful movement. It used to annoy him in the past because he never knew what she meant by it. He still doesn't know. And the annoyance is turning to anger.

"You've lost weight."

For once he catches her attention. She frowns.

"Too thin?" She made a little moue.

He looks at her lips, and her body. "I don't know..."

"I have to eat more - I've been really careful with my diet. Maybe too careful."

He looks away and asks, "You haven't been sick?"

She stops, then shrugs her shoulders.

"Were you sick?" He asks in more demanding tone, this time not masking his observation of her body.

She looks at him sharply, suspiciously. "I was sick for maybe a couple of weeks. Nothing serious." She steals a glance and sees his throat working. Oh no. He shouldn't know.

"Sheesh." Unexpectedly, she makes a twirl. "I'm healthy. Strong as a horse. I swear I can run faster than you."

He smiles at that. But he notes her cheekbones, more pronounced now than it has ever been. Maybe it's the sunlight.

She turns to him, her eyes shining, her radiant beauty stunning him for a moment. "I'm so glad I bumped into you."

He feels strange, and he chokes on his words. "Me too. I've never realized how much I..."

She interrupts him. "Look around! Those flowers are amazing." She raises her hands for emphasis. "The whole park! It's beautiful. I'm so glad you brought me here today."

She nods to herself. She's away again. And this time the uncomfortable feeling on his throat spreads to his chest, his heart twisting painfully, his stomach tying to knots. He struggles to breathe.

"I haven't told you," he hears her say, as if from afar, but he doesn't need the words. "This is where I'm getting married. I haven't realized how beautiful it can be. Oh God!" She turns to him. "The most beautiful place on earth. I can see it."

This is not happening, he thinks, and despite the warmth of sunlight he is cold all over, shivering, trembling, unable to take his eyes off her necklace, where a ring nestled between her breasts, sparkling in the sunlight, like ice. So cold. So cold.

"Please give me your address again." She smiles apologetically. "I'm afraid I lost it. I'll send out an invitation. You'll come, won't you?"

He nods stiffly, unable to say anything.

"Well, I have to go. It was nice seeing you again." She walks away, graceful.

Untouchable.

He opens his mouth, but words fail him. Her name on his lips doesn't reach her ears. It is too late.

Too late.

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you write beatifully...I can relate to the pain you feel. I am just married for a year and my skin broke out worse than ever. It is such an emotional relapse, it's getting warm and sunny and I don't want to go outside. My husband and I are apart a lot due to work. But sometimes I urge him not to travel home if he doesn't have to just avoiding him seeing my face. I go for extractions and medical facial almost every week. I'm worn out on this acne thing. For so long I didn't have to deal with it, it was mild then slowly but surely acne creeped back up into my life. Just when I got married it rears it's ugly head. Emotionally I hate to whine because I know that thier are worst things that could happen. But since it is my face, it make me feel really different and embarrassed. Since I've had the injections so much to try to control the acne, my since sometimes gets these white pith marks. It is very noticeable on black skin.

I want to die sometimes from shame, like it is my fault. It is a sad reality I have to deal with. But how do you allow someone else to be in your life when you feel so ugly to yourself.

I guess we both have to keep trying.... eusa_pray.gif

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Something similar happened to me recently. Dating the guy of my dreams, but we broke up because of distance, among other things. After the break-up I felt very down, and for a while I thought he was the only person who might accept the fact that I do have acne now and treat me as if I didn't.

These things happen though, and on the brighter side-- people who have acne or have had it get wrinkles a lot later in life than those who had quote "perfect skin" ;p ((This is based on empirical info))

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thanks guys. i'm glad people do get over this kind of situation. gives me much comfort.

thanks Vertigo. Won't it be too sappy for your English class?

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oh no my dear, here's hamelet in a nutshell. hamelet hates girlfriend, mom marries uncle, dad is ghost. All written in some code that 14/15 of the class can understand. good concept, needs to be modernized

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Guest Amy Lee
I found out yesterday that my ex has been secretly dating another girl for two months. One of those young, petite asian women with zero fat and flawless skin.

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Oh no...I might still convert to Buddhism. It's not for him anymore. Catholicism never helped me spiritually - it just instilled fear in me.

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Right now I'm in the process of healing my skin, but the scars inside are bad. I'm an emotional wreck. I have no idea how I'll go from here.

hey S214,

You just summed up what I've been going through this past year. I've been trying my hardest not to give up hope but sometimes I just feel so lost. For me, life has no meaning if I have to look and feel this way for the rest of my life.

oh i know that i'll get clear...but acne came at the worst time. at the time when i was building a beautiful relationsip with the man i loved. it got in the way.

I was in my very first relationship at the age of 24! He was so great but then my face started to breakout and the late nights that I spent with my ex didn't help my acne. He was my first love but acne made me so self-conscious and I became more and more withdrawn. I let it ruined a potentially good relationship. Now, I don't know if another man will ever accept me with my acne. It's just been a really tough year and I've been thinking about seeing a counselor. I hope I can be as optimistic as you about my acne clearing up though...

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I'm soooo sorry, my girlfriend stopped calling and messaging me when my acne went and i got scars sad.gif,im the same person with scars or without, well maybe a little less confident but anyway yeah she left me, been like 5 months now, im over it, hope ul'l be fine too smile.gif

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^fugly: I'm doing ok...it's been barely a month but i'm feeling much better from the time i started this thread.

I was in my very first relationship at the age of 24!  He was so great but then my face started to breakout and the late nights that I spent with my ex didn't help my acne.  He was my first love but acne made me so self-conscious and I became more and more withdrawn.  I let it ruined a potentially good relationship.  Now, I don't know if another man will ever accept me with my acne.  It's just been a really tough year and I've been thinking about seeing a counselor.  I hope I can be as optimistic as you about my acne clearing up though...

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is that u in ur avatar? if so youre a beatiful girl and im sure you will find someone who will treat you right. they say everything happens for a reason so this may be one of those things

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is that u in ur avatar?  if so youre a beatiful girl and im sure you will find someone who will treat you right. they say everything happens for a reason so this may be one of those things

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