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girl_in_progress

I can't do anything when I look like this...

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7 months ago, I decided to take BCP after having surgery to remove cysts. BIG MISTAKE. The BCP gave me cystic acne. I stopped taking it after 2 months but the damage was done. Ever since then my skin has never been the same again. I was so happy before that. I was in my first real relationship and really feeling good about myself. But now my relationship is over and I'm feeling really lost. It just feels like life isn't fair. I'm in my 20s and I feel that I should be really living life instead of worrying about my acne. There are so many things that I want to do but can't because I look and feel like crap thanks to my acne. I can't even cry about it because I'm afraid that it would cause another breakout so I keep it all in. Right now, my face is really red and I have pimples and alot of red marks. I don't even know who that person is staring back at me in the mirror. Every day I pray that my acne will clear up but I would wakeup every morning and look the same. It's SO hard to look at my reflection. Sometimes my acne is tolerable (or I'm just getting used to how I look) and then sometimes it looks like I have this really bad sunburn. All I want to do is stay at home and heal my acne and scars but I can't. I avoid people who I haven't seen for awhile because I know they'll probably be thinking how bad my skin looks. In the beginning, I used to wear makeup to conceal my acne and pretend that I have clear skin but I haven't worn makeup in 5 months because I want my skin to heal. I just don't know what to do. I have this shred of hope that my acne will clear up oneday I just have to believe it. When my boyfriend brokeup with me the first thing that came to my head was he was breaking up with me because of my acne. I wonder if my face was clear would I still be with him? I can't even try to move on and start dating when I look like this. I feel so ugly. Sometimes I want my life to end.

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Guest Zitro

I'm deeply sorry that the birth control pill has done that to you. A good friend of mine suffered something similar as you with BCP (along with temporary scary side effects).

First, I want to welcome you here in acne.org and that you are not alone, these feelings are normal, and are what makes acne so difficult for us. I don't know what has caused the break-up, but try not to think of acne and blame it all in you, be strong and don't let acne control your way of thinking. If he broke up because of how you look, it can't be called love I'm afraid.

I have been a sufferer of severe acne for 4 years, both phyisical and emotionally ... don't be afraid to cry because I beat it emotionally after waking up from a tearful previous night a year ago. (and I had the fortune to clear up later)

There are many medication/treatment forums in acne.org where you can get good information on how to treat acne.

Bye, I give you my blessings.

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Thank you. I actually cried when I read your reply because I've felt alone for a very long time and to know that there are people out there who knows what I'm going through really helps. I've been lurking on acne.org but just started posting. I feel that I've tried everything from antibiotics to tazorac. Nothing really helped. I've been using an acne skincare line for over 2 months now. It seems to be helping but it's still hard to look at my reflection whenever I'm in a department store or a public restroom. Sometimes I just want to crawl into a hole so no one has to see me and I don't have to see myself either. I feel that when people look at me they look at my acne and that's how it felt wheneven I was with my ex. If I was in my teens I would think that I would just grow out of it but I'm in my 20s and I feel that it's never going to away. I think about trying to wear makeup again just to make myself feel better but I don't want to make my acne worse. It feels that life has been throwing me obstacles and that I can never ever be truly happy. First my hair started falling out when I was 20. Then I had 2 surgeries and now finally acne. I think out of all of those acne seems to be beating me. People just don't realize how depressing it is to have acne. So far people at work haven't commented on my skin which makes me feel less self-conscious. And when I do ask they tell me that they don't even notice it. I just hope that my skin will clear up. It doesn't matter how long, I can wait just so long that it will clear up oneday. I'm not asking for porcelain skin. I just want the redness and redmarks to fade. Is that too much to ask...

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Guest Zitro

_When I suffered sever acne, I felt I was alone too, and thought I was very weak to let me affect me and felt i was mad to self-pick my face and pop pimples on the mirror. After beating acne emotionally and reducing the self-popping problem, and starting clearing up, I came across this site ... I should I would have done sooner.

_I also found medications kinda useless , but luckily I found the right treatment fir me ( a combination of medicatios + facials for acne)

_ I also tried to hide myself when I got yet another 1cm new cyst.

_Good job on not using make up ... it can show on the eyes of others confidence for not hiding it away.

_yeah, acne is 'underrated' most people have no idea how destructive acne can be on us.

_Why am I typing in a list? eusa_doh.giflol.gif

_What I feel acne has done on me is that I've got almost no female attention in my teens year, and now that I have mild acne... for some reason rolleyes.gif I get much more.

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I've never really felt attractive in my teens. The boys treated me like I was their kid sister. Even in college. Last summer I finally felt really confident about myself. Maybe because I started dressing better and wearing makeup but I finally met someone and I was in my first relationship and now I don't have any of that anymore. Now whenever there's a cute guy I think of what of my chances of him looking at me. I say "zero." Cause it's sad to say to it but alot of people are superficial and looks really do matter. I know that after this if my face clears up I won't look at things the same way again. Having acne has changed my life in good and bad ways. Does that makes sense? I like to ramble alot lol.gif

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Your post nearly made me cry as i related to it SO much.

I'm 22 and go acne when i was 17 and i also feel like im missing out of the best years of my life. I always used to have perfect skin and and now when i look at myself i sometimes think its just a nightmare that i will wake up from soon. But its not and i feel the only way for me to enjoy my life is just to accept it and move on.

I think im finally starting to come to terms with it. I mean i cant really do much about it anymore and feeling sorry for my self and hiding away will not really make me happier or help me achieve my life goals or to help me meet someone.

Just know there are other in the same boat.

I also believe it's whats inside that counts when attracting the opposite sex... i mean i see really hot girls with what i would call plain or ugly looking guys? How do they get those girls? I mean i might have some acne but i was never and ugly guy. Why cant i attract girls like that? I reckon its the way i feel. I wont let anyone get close because i dispise the way i look and feel so self concious etc etc... who would want to be with someone like that... ???

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Hey Silver22,

Thanks for your reply. I think I'm getting used to how I look nowadays but I still hope that one day my skin will look at least decent looking. I've always had low self-esteem so when it comes to guys and dating I never did any of that in school because I felt I wasn't pretty enough even when my skin was pretty clear. I never did understand why I would see a cute guy with a not so good looking girl but I don't think that way anymore. I think what matters is how the person thinks of him or herself and that shows from the outside. A person can be beautiful on the outside but ugly on the inside. They're the unfortunate ones because they're counting on their looks and not their personality to attract someone but beauty is fleeting. And people who base others on looks instead of personality are people that you don't want to be with. If my ex really broke up with me because of my acne then I wouldn't want to be with him at all. Unfortunately I think it was the way that I felt about myself that soured our relationship. I didn't have the confidence anymore. I couldn't even look at him in the eye because I hated how I look. If I was just strong enough to put aside my insecurities maybe I would still be with him. But what's meant to be is meant to be. Now I just hope I can move on with my life and hope that my skin will clear up.

Silver, is your acne hereditary? If so, do your parents have clear skin now?

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stop being so negative about yourself, positive mental attitude...yeah i know been said many times i know that's been said to me...and do you listen to what is being said to you when you feel like this...most of the time no.

keep your head held high, think positive and you will achieve great things.

and you said that people can be beautiful outside and ugly on the inside, i agree with you 100% because as they can get someone with there looks alone and not care about the way they act, you have to think long term.It just means we all have to work much harder to get someone as people go on what they see not what's on the inside.

Don't give up and hide behind this wall of pain...

i would tell ya a my little story about people going for whats on the inside not out, but i think i've rabbled on too much already...lol

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girl in progress, know that you are never alone here. I think in you case it sounds as though accutane may help you out tremendously, but what do I know. good luck

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I'm never going to touch accutane. Just using tazorac on my face was scary enough. I just have to cope with the fact that my face may look like this for awhile and hopefully I'll "grow out of it." I'm trying to think more positive about this. My parents and sister had terrible acne but they grew out of it so I'm hoping that I will, too. eusa_pray.gif

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Don't try to think positive, think positive and all this negativity doesn't help

May i ask where you are from? you don't have to answer if you don't want too wink.gif

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I feel the same way. Its just soo depressing, it really is. I was just lying in my bed crying no one understands. I come here for comfort just by reading other peoples stories.. makes me feel like im not alone. i also thought it would be a teenage change but im 24 and nothing has changed. my scars and red marks are killing me slowly thats all i can think about. I was in school but i dropped out, my mom thinks im lazy but im really not. I just dont want to go outside anymore. i really need to counseling, i really think i dooo. sad.gif ur not alone girl in progress.. u really arent.

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You're going to make me cry CRUSHCURVE. People just don't realize how physically and psychologically damaging acne is. I know how you feel. I used to cry at work because of how ugly I felt. I wouldn't get any work done cause I was so worried about getting another breakout. I didn't want to do anything but stay at home. People have noticed how different I've become even my parents. I'm not who I was a year ago.

It's worse to have acne but red marks and scarring left behind are just a bad reminder. It's so unfair. I wanted to get some counselling as well. I even have a number for therapists in NYC but I haven't made the call yet. I've felt that the red marks were slowly killing me as well but I tell myself that my skin is going to heal itself! That's the only thing that keeps me going. What's your history with your acne? I'm just asking because my family had acne prone skin but their skin eventually cleared up. If you need someone to talk to you, I'm hear to listen. smile.gif

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Try not to let it become a cycle - you're depressed so you don't go out, so you're depressed. Break the cycle if you can. Try not to fear the effort involved in breaking it.

Counselling looks like it might help you both, or indeed anyone else severely affected by acne. Antidepressants may also be a good option.

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hullo girl in progress

your story is pretty touching and i really do feel for you. My acne was moderate/severe with some very large cysts on my neck. But Dans regimen has worked so so well for me i'm now 100% clear, i was VERY dubious at first cos i had used BP with little effect.

If you don't fancy using accutane then perhaps this would be a good option for you?

anyways best of luck, eusa_pray.gif

peace kev

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well my father's side of the family has acne.. and my mother's side doesnt. I ve been breakingout since the age of 14.. it was a night mare i would cry myself to sleep wake up.. look in the mirror cry.. cry and cry. eventually i got over it cuz i started wearing make-up. but who am i fooling, i hate make-up now been wearing it past 10yrs and its disgusting already. when i come home from being outside and wash my mask off... which is the make-up.. i say to myself only if everyone knew how i really look. This is just really bad and i think its a cycle that will continue and will not break. i have to look in the mirror everyday.. this is the face i walk around with. I dread everything that has to do with outside in day light. I just did a tca peel on my face and it broke me out more.. i started to get white heads that turned into pimples. and my scars look worse.. i just cant say anymore. i guess my next step is collegen fillers.. i wonder if it wirks??? does anyone know. im just so depressed. i cant even cry to anyone so i hide in my room and cry. i tell u, if it wasnt for my son, i dont know where i'll be. when my son she's me crying i think he already knows.. he tells me not to worry that im beautiful. and tells me just to put alil make-up and it will be gone. i cry as i type this cuz he is only 6yrs old and he's the only one that makes me feel better about myself. eusa_angel.gif

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Be strong for your son. Him being there means that you have a future, a purpose.

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A quick reply from me girl_in_progress (don't have the time to read all the replies right now, sorry): It's really fucked up that you're in a situation like this, instead of waiting for your acne to clear up (might never happen naturally) or trying countless "acne products & medications" and hoping to find the right one (95% of them suck, so small chance), I advise you to go and see a beautician weekly/once every 2 weeks.

He/she will remove a lot of crap from your skin & give you a peeling/mask, it will look red/ugly for a day, but after that the breakouts/redness will decrease dramatically. It's not cheap, it's not a permanent solution (you'll haveto do this regulary), but I bet it will do more for you than all those products/medications together. Good luck.

It feels that life has been throwing me obstacles and that I can never ever be truly happy.

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Nature,

Thanks for your advice. I did have a facial once back in September for a friend's bridal shower. The lady was really nice to me unfortunately I had it in Pennsylvania and I live in NYC. I was checking out some other spas to see if they're any good but a friend of mine who went through what I'm going through now told me it wasn't a good idea to have facials because my skin is very sensitive and facials are just very harsh to your skin. I can't say that I'm really waiting it out. I do have a good skin regimen and it's helping my skin alot. I've also heard horror stories of people leaving with scabs on their face after having extractions. Don't want to scare anybody, sorry. I think I need to find a beautician that I trust. We'll see... eusa_think.gif

Hi eskielvr2004,

I used to wear Shiseido pureness powder. I think it had zinc oxide in as well. Before I thought that it was the makeup that was actually making me breakout but it was really the BCP *dope*

Thank you for your suggestion. I'll look into that makeup line. I heard that waterbase makeup is good for acne prone skin. Whenever I get the hormonal breakout I usually just dab alittle concealer. I don't do a very good job at concealing though. I don't know what I would do if I had to do presentations! Luckily, I just sit in my cubicle everyday.

Hey headswapop - I did try Dan's regimen for about 2 weeks and gave up. It just didn't work for my skin. But I'm glad to hear that your 100% clear!

Crushcurve-I'm sorry to hear that your hair is falling out. I had a similar experience as well. I was going through a depression-not acne related. I used to cry every night to the point that one day my hair started falling out. It was just not 3-4 hair follicles but clumps of hair started falling out! I think this was due to stress. I know it's really hard but try not to stress about it so much because it'll only aggravate your condition, and take some comfort because you have a son who loves you unconditionally. The only person right now who puts a smile to my face is my sister. So I know exactly what you're going through. Both of my parents suffered from acne and so my sister and I have to go through it as well *damn it!* my sister was in her early 20s when she suffered a HORRIBLE acne breakout. I mean the huge cystic type but now she's acne free. I hope I grow out of it too like she did. Right now, I'm doing what my sister did and that is to just have a simple skin care regimen and alot of hope. It took her over a year to clear up. My acne isn't as bad as hers so I'm hoping it'll be shorter than that. Are you on any treatments for your acne? Is your father's skin clear right now? Please stay strong!

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Guest Zitro
Nature,

Thanks for your advice.  I did have a facial once back in September for a friend's bridal shower.  The lady was really nice to me unfortunately I had it in Pennsylvania and I live in NYC.  I was checking out some other spas to see if they're any good but a friend of mine who went through what I'm going through now told me it wasn't a good idea to have facials because my skin is very sensitive and facials are just very harsh to your skin.  I can't say that I'm really waiting it out.  I do have a good skin regimen and it's helping my skin alot.  I've also heard horror stories of people leaving with scabs on their face after having extractions.  Don't want to scare anybody, sorry.  I think I need to find a beautician that I trust.  We'll see...  eusa_think.gif

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I feel the same way. Its just soo depressing, it really is. I was just lying in my bed crying no one understands. I come here for comfort just by reading other peoples stories.. makes me feel like im not alone. i also thought it would be a teenage change but im 24 and nothing has changed. my scars and red marks are killing me slowly thats all i can think about. I was in school but i dropped out, my mom thinks im lazy but im really not. I just dont want to go outside anymore. i really need to counseling, i really think i dooo.  sad.gif  ur not alone girl in progress.. u really arent.

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