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Annoyingly Painful Reality

People get even more disgusted when I'm around

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Okay here it goes, one more time, but before I start, I should mention that my scarring is really, really severe. I have so many different types of scarring happening all over my face, and to top it off I have really severe orange peel texture on every inch of my skin. I honestly believe that the skin on my face doesn't look like skin anymore. I think my scarring is comparable to thickened skin in severe cases of rosacea. I didn't quite understand the magnitude of how people react towards my appearance until recently. I guess because I was hoping that it was all in my head, but all types of people seriously get offended by my skin. My face creates an unconditioned response of disgust in people. My own family can't look at me. My niece says my face is sick looking and gross. And it makes me feel like shit every time because I'm really trying my hardest to come to terms with my skin and my overall appearance in general, but they could care less. They're not trying to sympathize with my problem, all they care about is themselves and how I make them look bad because of how I look. But when I confront them about their behavior in how they avoid eye contact with me and call me harsh names, they quickly deny it and tell me that I need to see a psychiatrist, which doesn't help me at all. I completely understand my skin has a lot of issues but I'm tired of getting such negative responses from family members and strangers. I don't know how I've lasted this long to be honest. I'm a glutton for punishment, I guess. 

I posted here around five years ago with the same title, and five years later it's still true today, but even more so because my face has gotten worse, way, way worse since then. A little bit of a background on my skin: I got my first pimple when I was eleven-years-old and then severely oily skin into my early adolescence, severe cystic acne at 15 up until I was 24. I still get active pimples today at 38 and the pimples are an issue, sure but it's my skin texture and acne scars that are the primary cause for people to feel uncomfortable when they have to interact with me, because of all the holes, bumps, ruddy texture, and extreme oiliness. It's really awful, honestly, and I can see the disgust in their faces. I've actually heard people say out loud: his face is awful,    Hey look, it's leatherface,     his face makes me want to vomit,    did you see that guy's face? it's disgusting. 

There's plenty more that I've heard being said but comments like those are what I hear every time I'm around people. My face makes people's stomach churn. It's bullshit, but I can't help it. I didn't ask for my face to look like this. I don't mean to offend people just by being in someone's presence. People actually have to take off their eyeglasses just to bear the sight of me. It's freaking crazy and sad.

 

 

I really don't know what to expect with writing this all over again, but of course one reason I felt a need to write this is because of the social rejection; it really freaking hurts. I'm 38 years old living with my widowed mother and family dog because of the way the social ridicule makes me feel. I haven't had a job for eight years, and I've never properly learned how to manage my emotional responses to their reactions. I'm not on disability even though I want to be. But on the other hand, I really want to be able to work and have friends and be social, but everyone, even my own immediate family, socially exclude me from their lives because of my face. I have to stay in my room all damn day because of my family's lack of acceptance and understanding.

 

It's tortuous, but I know there are worse cases out there than my own. I try to put my situation and circumstances into perspective but it really doesn't heal the loneliness and pain that the social isolation causes because of this shit. I really wish you could see the people's reactions when they have to look at me for the first time. And I've endured those kinds of reactions for years that it's becoming hysterically depressing. And now with this pandemic going on my mom said this is the perfect time for me to be out in public and she even wanted me to wear a mask around the house so she doesn't have to look at me, and like my cousin told me: "it's my time to shine." But since the pandemic started I haven't even tried to go out with a face covering. I guess I should, but even the face covering can't conceal the emotional trauma this disease has caused for almost my entire life. I want hope for something different but there's no hope when others don't want to change their mindset or want to educate themselves to another's trauma, and I'm not strong enough to combat the rigidity on my own, so that's why I hide and mope.

I remember when I went to a strip club and the stripper said she had to get shit-faced drunk before she was able to dance for me. 

 

I just needed to vent so thank you for reading through it. 

 

 

 

 

 

_____________________

 

This is the old post that I wrote five years ago if anyone's interested.

 

 

I don't know how to politely say this, but I'm going to try. I don't mean to offend anyone. I just want to write these thoughts for others to see. I'm sorry if I strike a nerve with any reader. I don't mean to purposefully hurt anyone.

 

Okay here it goes.

 

Let me first say that this is probably not even the right website to vent. But, I constantly search websites and this is the only place where it might seem appropriate.

 

These thoughts are due to confusion and bitterness.

 

Okay, I am a reject plain and simple. I am a total outcast. I always thought this was a mental problem (but I'm not excluding mental issues), but this is real. It's not subjectivity that's the problem.my appearance is objective for every individual to see.

 

I know about B.D.D., and this is not it. I've browsed through this website and have seen the attractive people on here (about 95 percent of the members here are attractive). Unfortunately, I fall under the bottom 5 percent. I probably take the whole five on my own or maybe the percentage is 99.99999999 attractive, and I'm the .0001 unattractive member.

 

Anyway, the point in mentioning attractive vs. unattractive is because I understand that acne and scars can decrease value, especially if you have a lot of value. High value (very attractive) means a lot of expectations have to be met. So when acne and scars crosses paths with an individual with a lot of expectations, it's devastating.

 

Me, I don't have to meet any expectations. My value (even without acne and scars) is subpar - actually even further below because something is definitely not normal with my face besides the obvious. Bottom line,my face definitely feels how it looks.

 

 

What I'm trying to get across is that I'm horribly ugly, but I'm okay with it. What I'm not okay with is grossing out everyday people. I hate giving people nausea and watching how their face cringes. I hate when people do their best to avoid eye contact with me.

I'm okay with people not wanting to be in my life nor wanting to know me, that's fine. I just hate grossing strangers (and even my relatives) out.

 

Again, I'm sorry, but I have no other place to go. I want to feel accepted by my species, but I never will. I would have to wear a mask in order to gain your acceptance.

 

I accept my face, and the fact there's nothing I can do about it. I just wish people would.

 

I don't want to prove that I exist. I want to share my existence, but no one wants it.

 

What do you think?

 

My scars and overall texture on my face are really severe. The texture and scars are irregular in that they don't look very common. Some scars on my face do, but overall it's horrible, and I can't afford any treatments. My face is always red too.

 

I don't know. I just want to live life within my means, but I don't like grossing people out in the process.

 

If I never had to interact with people, I would be fine, but that's not an option at this point unfortunately.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

Edited by Annoyingly Painful Reality
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I think your scars are mild. I don't say this to make you happy, but I truly think your scars are mild and not that noticeable. I have bad scarring, which is worse than yours, but I always try not to let those feelings catch me. 

I'm married, and my wife doesn't think my scars are bad at all. There you go, if people having bad scars like me can get married and have a lovely wife, why cannot you be? 

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Thanks for responding Jack817. I try my best to not let negativity get the best of me, but it's really difficult. But stories like yours give me hope in thinking that I am worthy of someone's attention, romantic or otherwise, so thank you for the encouragement. And I'll keep trying to counter the bad vibes as best as I possibly can. 

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Are you fucking kidding me? I'd kill someone to have skin like yours. Dont fucking lie, no one ever said things about vomiting or leather face, but if they do so they are just fucked in the head scumbags who not even worth anything. Your face is better than 95percent of posters in acne scars sub forum. You need to work with your mind. 

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You're just overthinking this. I have scars that are far more severe than yours.  In any case acceptance is key, accepting that whatever scars you have may never actually go away and they may be a part of your body till the end.

Nobody is perfect, there are people who have severe third degree burns on their face. There are people born with Type1  diabetes and need to keep injecting insulin all their lives.

Try to get a job first and become independent. I think your self-confidence and self-esteem are  bigger issues than the scars themselves. There will always be people who like to judge others and pass snide and nasty comments. Become independent and ignore them.

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I saw your pictures and I truly don't believe they look bad. I have very severe scarring and some minor acne. Also everyone is worthy of love, and not as many care for external appearance as you may think, and would rather spend their life with someone who makes them happy

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On 4/12/2021 at 12:27 PM, SlashStarDead said:

I saw your pictures and I truly don't believe they look bad. I have very severe scarring and some minor acne. Also everyone is worthy of love, and not as many care for external appearance as you may think, and would rather spend their life with someone who makes them happy

Yup, you're right. I envy the texture in his face also.

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The severity of the scars doesn't matter. It's all about the sufferer's perception. This is an example of something that goes beyond logic. I'm not sure if there's a solution, but one coping mechanism would be to wear a mask now that it's considered normal.

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