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Vanessa2002

31 year old female dating for the first time... In desperate need of advice and support

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Hi everyone,

I could really use some support with my personal situation and would appreciate a few replies.

I will turn 31 years old soon and to this day have never had a boyfriend, date or even shared a kiss with anybody. I am growing increasingly depressed, because I fear it will never happen and I would rather kill myself than live the rest of my life alone. :smileys_n_people_43:

But having acne and not being particularly attractive combined with being so old does not make it easy. I am determined to give myself a make over, because at the moment I am a real wallflower and then I thought about giving dating apps a try.

However I am very scared that I will turn all guys off when I tell them the truth about myself. :smileys_n_people_41:

What are your experiences about dating and acne and what would you think about a girl who does not have any experience at this age?

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Hey i am almost 60 and been alone all my life due to my acne and acne scarring has caused me a hard time making friends.As a result i have several bouts of depression.I can't find any friends in my area.I am about at my end too.Thing of it is i am a good honest person but i am not good at making friends.

Edited by nikkigirl

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Guest

Vanessa, what I am about to say doesn't apply to all men, because everyone is different. But it applies to more than enough men. It is extremely extremely extremely  likely there are men in this world you will find you gorgeous. 

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From what I can see in your profile picture, you seem cute to me ;)

 

Don't worry girl, there's a man out there for you. Just put yourself out there best you can, be bubbly and flirty and I'm absolutely positive there will be takers.

 

As a man, I can tell you that a girl's past doesn't ever really come up for me. It's much more about the connection we share in the moment. Just focus on showcasing your personality and your positive attributes. Yes, we like a great looking girl on our arm, but you should know that a lot of men don't expect perfection. Here's a bit of insight from the male side of things: a lot of men have approach anxiety. To many men, approaching a beautiful woman can be terrifying. And doubly so if you have bad acne, because rejection really hurts in that case. Not just from the rejection itself, but also because the acne itself and its psychological effects. In the dating scene, it's generally accepted that it is the mans burden to accept the possibility of rejection by approach. It's a double whammy. A woman with flaws, or what she considers to be flaws helps in that she becomes more "relatable". Your situation may actually be that you are very attractive to some men, and they just don't have the balls to approach you. No lie.

 

Believe it or not, there are a lot of extremely beautiful women in this world who are very lonely. It's odd in that their attractiveness, which is supposed to bring them closer to men, actually isolates them because fewer people can relate to their standard of beauty.

 

There is actually a thing known as the curse of being too attractive. I can't say I've experienced that so far, lol, but the idea is that for "attractive" people, jealousy and envy from friends and coworkers, combined with fewer people being able to relate to them ends up with them feeling an empty existence.

 

If I were to think about it, I would say that the best thing a woman could do to get me to approach her is to make it easy for me to do so. Make yourself easily accessible and I'm sure some guys will come over and talk to you. These days, I approach women in all circumstances regardless of whether it's easy but being female, if you bear in mind that men experience approach anxiety you'll understand why that strategy can be effective.

 

Have open body language, be bubbly and flirty, flash your men of choice a warm inviting smile. If he's a warm-blooded human male with balls to step up to the plate he'll get the hint and as they say, "it's on!". And once the first words are said, be engaging to what he's said. That will help calm his fears of whether he thinks you thought what he said was stupid or something. If you just engage him and are able to calm his fears that his approach to you is OK and you're accepting of it, then you can move on and exchange numbers, etc.

 

We all have a certain amount of negative self-talk. "What if she's taken?", "What if she thinks what I say is stupid?", "What if she hates guys with a little acne?", "What if..."

 

Now, my mindset is "This woman was put on this earth to be with a great guy who makes her laugh and enjoy herself. I'll be that man. And she's probably looking for the same thing as me and just hasn't found it yet. Yeah, I experience acne from time to time, but it's not my fault, and I know that i'm worthy, and that with my dominant, powerful and charming personality I can win not only her mind but also her body. I'll walk over and chat her up, make her laugh. If it doesn't work out, I won't sweat it because there's always another chance and at the end of the day, i'm happy with my life. If it turns out she finds me stupid, I'll laugh my ass off about it later over a beer..." The goal is always simple: move in and see if we can share a laugh, regardless of how it turns out. With that goal in mind, you can never lose. If anything, you had a good laugh. Sometimes I'll even be self-deprecating, literally pointing out any acne I might have. "Yeah, it's a fuckin' monster huh? Lol. Oh well, shit happens..." And then, bam. A laugh comes out. I've found that it's not so bad. It communicates to them that I'm not ashamed of myself and I accept myself as is. If I do that, chances are she will as well.

 

We can't always control what happens to us in life, but we can control how we respond to things. Sometimes that's the hardest part, but harness that energy and use it to move you forward. It sounds like you need to find a man with enough wisdom and experience in life who understands this.

 

Going the other way for a second, there's absolutely nothing wrong with a woman approaching a man instead. Contrary to social programming and all that bullshit, I'm flattered if a woman approaches me versus the other way around. It's totally hot. If that's an option for you, try that.

 

As for me, I'm turning 32 and I've had ups and downs with acne for at least 12 years. In my worst moments I've ended up with some permanent scarring. And the scarring bothers me now more than the acne itself ever did, because it's a reminder of what can never be fixed or undone. So when I do get some acne I'm always super conscious of being very careful so as not to cause scars. But I've always been one persistent SOB. I won't take no for an answer when it comes to what I want out of life, with or without acne. And that mindset is key. I've  been lonely, depressed, embarrassed. It's all a part of life. But I don't think there's something wrong with you. I think your level of experience isn't anything to be concerned over. Everyone takes life at their own pace. Actually, I think it's cute. Tell you what, you ever come to Milwaukee, WI area in the US, I'll take you out.

 

In terms of dating women, I've found them to be accepting. Not that I have it terribly bad, but in those instances where I've felt like "fuck, why this? And why now?!" i've found it to be true that we are our own worst critics. But it's also true that women are generally judged much more harshly on appearance and that's true throughout society at large. But i've seen both men and women with acne far more severe than myself find love so I know it's possible.

 

One thing you ladies have to help you out though is makeup. Us men don't have that luxury, if we get some nasty cysts and shit gets fucked up bad, we have to face the world like that. And that's not easy sometimes.

 

Overall, pay attention to the two sentences I've outlined in bold and you'll get some ideas. And if you want someone to talk to or give some insight as to how men work, I'm here to chat.

 

Good luck hun

Edited by FvckAcne

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Thank you for all the nice replies.

What you should know however, is that my profile picture is from 16 years ago and I am 14 years old in it. I don't look like this anymore.

I should have made that clear right away. I have changed it now, because there is no point in having an outdated picture as your profile.

I don't have any recent ones, because I never take pictures of myself.

I have been told I am ugly many times over the years, starting as a teenager and most recently two weeks ago. Even friends and family don't tell me I am pretty but give me rather vague, avoiding replies.

I see plastic surgery as my last chance and have already consulted with a surgeon, but I may end up just looking very plastic instead of better. Still, I have nothing to lose, so I will definitely go for it.

@nikkigirl: Maybe we can both try to improve our looks and then go out and try to socialise? I will have a Fraxel Dual Laser treatment in five weeks and consulted with the dermatologist yesterday. He uses the laser on himself as well. He told me he was 52, but he looked like 15 years younger, I am not kidding! I think when you make use of modern technology you can improve your looks a lot, so why not give it a try?

@Guest: Thank you, that's very nice of you to say. But like I said, outdated picture...

@FvckAcne: Wow, you really put a lot of effort in your reply! Thank you. Unfortunately, I will not be near Milwaukee in the foreseeable future, but I will let you know if there is a change of plans. :)

I will try to put myself out there, once I have overhauled my appearance, but right now there is no point. I will keep your advice in mind.

You're right about the make-up remark. I am glad I can at least use foundation to make my skin look a little bit better. But the problem with make-up is even if a guy does like you, I then panic and think "OK, he likes me with make-up, but will he still like me barefaced?" It's a double edged sword.

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I've said before, acne can really deliver a hit to your self-confidence. But since none of us know what sort of situtation you're dealing with, can you post a recent pic?

Edited by FvckAcne

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Maybe I have made it sound like my acne is my biggest concern, but it's more my looks in general.

I know what kind of foods to avoid, but it's hard sometimes to maintain a healthy diet in everyday life.

I am feeling very self-conscious about my looks at the moment. I avoid all mirrors and reflecting surfaces, so posting a picture of my face on the internet is out of the question. 

I appreciate your help, though.

I may however post pictures of my Fraxel Laser procedure and the results. Not sure yet. :smileys_n_people_34:

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Fair enough. You could always send one via IM if that worries you.

 

But the reason I say to do that is because sometimes people are way more critical of themselves than other people are. There are actually a lot of really good looking women who think they aren't. Maybe it's the high beauty standards in modern society that gives women so much insecurity. But you may not really have all that much to worry about, honestly.

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On 10/2/2019 at 5:10 AM, Vanessa2002 said:

Thank you for all the nice replies.

What you should know however, is that my profile picture is from 16 years ago and I am 14 years old in it. I don't look like this anymore.

I should have made that clear right away. I have changed it now, because there is no point in having an outdated picture as your profile.

I don't have any recent ones, because I never take pictures of myself.

I have been told I am ugly many times over the years, starting as a teenager and most recently two weeks ago. Even friends and family don't tell me I am pretty but give me rather vague, avoiding replies.

I see plastic surgery as my last chance and have already consulted with a surgeon, but I may end up just looking very plastic instead of better. Still, I have nothing to lose, so I will definitely go for it.

@nikkigirl: Maybe we can both try to improve our looks and then go out and try to socialise? I will have a Fraxel Dual Laser treatment in five weeks and consulted with the dermatologist yesterday. He uses the laser on himself as well. He told me he was 52, but he looked like 15 years younger, I am not kidding! I think when you make use of modern technology you can improve your looks a lot, so why not give it a try?

@Guest: Thank you, that's very nice of you to say. But like I said, outdated picture...

@FvckAcne: Wow, you really put a lot of effort in your reply! Thank you. Unfortunately, I will not be near Milwaukee in the foreseeable future, but I will let you know if there is a change of plans. :)

I will try to put myself out there, once I have overhauled my appearance, but right now there is no point. I will keep your advice in mind.

You're right about the make-up remark. I am glad I can at least use foundation to make my skin look a little bit better. But the problem with make-up is even if a guy does like you, I then panic and think "OK, he likes me with make-up, but will he still like me barefaced?" It's a double edged sword.

I have already had Fraxel....didn't do anything for me....but everybody is different.The damage has been done to my mind so even if they did find a way to get rid of scars....i might not even bother with it anymore.Life goes fast so...i hope you get back on your feet and get to make new friends and don't end up like me alone with cats!

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