Before college, I used to have acne, but I was not super aware of it... Until when my second ex, who has studied psychology, told me how appearance DOES matter, so acne DOES matter.

College ended, relationship ended... My standard in girls raised by a lot, so does mystandard on myself. I am that person who strives to be a better version of myself everyday...

I'm then proceeding to study in an institution that boosts my industrial skills to increase my chance of getting a job in that field. As college consists of thousands of people, my institution has around 50 people, and I have met nobody of whom I'm interested in due to race difference...

Back to topic... At first, my face just consisted of scars that were getting better and better. Then, starting from early this year, I was working on a project, and was occasionally staying late to finish it. Sometimes, I slept without washing my face, so I wash my face when I woke up instantly and wash my face in the morning.

Then one day of staying overnight during February and consuming a bit of snacks, it was where my appearance started to get worse... I got at least 3 new big zits on my face! My teammate was secretly smiling and taking picture at my face...

Then, my face just got worse and worse! Acne everywhere... My face out-broke and boom! I've been to Tinder dates occasionally, but I eventually gave up using Tinder as my face was too different from the clear faces from the photos on Tinder. My friends and family were starting to comment on my face. I was so far from the 'raising standard' that I've imposed to myself. Both my face and self-esteem gone worse and worse by day, just like how Bitcoin crashes.

Then, I am treating my face at a laser skincare centre, they gave me Accutane low dose - one 10mg every two days.

My acne got slightly better, but occasionally I still forget to wash my face at night (still now, but idk whether this is the culprit), so I just wake up at 4, wash my face, then bring my facial supplements to my school and wash my face at 11am/1pm-ish (I still managed to wash my face twice a day however). Every night I want to wash my face, I feel like having the hardest battle against my mind... I still manage to follow the routine to take Accutane as directed. After a month of taking care of myself, my face got better but the laser skin care centre said they need to wait for my face to clear up, before laser therapy.... I'm still having slight breakouts after two months... Is laser skin care possible? Idk... I basically work on projects from morning till late night, and I'm battling stress everyday because I'm a programmer...

Now, I'm just focusing on finding a job during my studies, with no thoughts on having a relationship because I don't think I'm ready for it with me not meeting my own facial appearance standards. I've never talked to a girl for months. My social activities have reduced to a minimal compared to the previous years, as I'm getting more resilient to hanging out that often. Call me superficial but this is just how the world works I guess...

A lot of people say"appearance doesn't matter, appearance doesn't, appearance..." YES, appearance DOES matter in real life. Sometimes I asked myself, why should girls choose me, when there are so many guys with clear faces. I'm attractive without acne, but acne just make my appearance subpar. Any advice is helpful thank you. I don't want to waste more money to hire a psychologist later when my self-esteem issue evolves to depression...