Jump to content
Acne.org
Search In
Find results that contain...
Find results in...
ReddedShwx

Life is just..... well... a nightmare.

Recommended Posts

I’m new here and honestly pretty messed up to begin with. So I don’t know how to start. Start anything for that matter.

Anyway, hi, I’m depressed and suicidal since 16 years old and I’m 21 now. Seems short but hey, life has felt extremely and unnecessarily long over here for some reason. And it sucks. 

As if I can’t be any more pathetic, here I am trying not to cry again. I’ll just stash that away since there’s no real reason to cry over acne, right? I guess not. Besides my eyes sting like hell whenever I shed the slightest tear. Ah well.

Basically, I’m fucked up. I hate talking about myself and I just want to die already but here goes I’ll make it brief and stupid: 

Personality before age 16 and before acne: Basically a funny, kind, helpful friend who would never hesitate to be in the spotlight just to have fun and make everyone laugh and feel at their happiest in life. 

Now, at age 15, sure I had started getting one pimple ocassionally but I had used Clearasil and it took care of it. My face had always been clear otherwise. I was... quite simply living the time of my life. And so, after having to move From Germany, depression hit badly because all my friends, family, do way of life disappeared. Unfortunately on top of that, I went to a new high school and honestly, it was terrible. Felt alone. Cold. Suddenly, and i didn’t understand why, I began breaking out on my cheeks, gradually, then my chin and forehead. That’s where the depression got worse. Not to mention getting bullied, made me feel suddenly unlovable and ... disgusting? Like a... monster. 

Fast forward to today. I had tried probiotics back when it was more severe. And one day I had looked in the mirror and seen that my entire left cheek was clear. But my mother stopped letting me take those because they’re bad for liver yadayada. Sigh. Ah well.

it all came back. For about five years now the same acne has been stuck on my face. And..well.. my mother is now an aesthetician and gave me currently a good regimen for moderate acne. Stuff with certain acids that help acne. Been helping and healthy diet during college really helped me. Everything was clearing finally... almost. Then .... I thought it would be okay... it would end. The pain. The feelings...of suicide. death. But no... my twin is like clear now...... I’m not at all. I ask myself... that’s not fair, why? They always touch their damn face. They eat lots of sweets I eat only fruits and vegetables. They complain about being ugly and  have no confidence. 

...You..fool. Acne is the only shade of black that ever cast me a shadow. I’ve been...so patient. So healthy. So selfless. All i wish for... is for this cursed acne to get lost. It’s getting worse and I disconnect myself so much I’m so alone. I feel nothing....my real self is gone. 

TL;DR I never had severe cystic acne, but this moderate acne on top of nonstop dry skin and REDNESS... all over my disgusting face... it’s all killing me. I’m mentally unstable, wanting to kill myself just about every day. At the moment, I’m alone cooped up in my room, ruminating that I can’t live a normal life because ACNE? And yet... this monster called acne has officially transformed the wearer into a much more frightening nightmare. I hardly cry anymore. depression did that. But yesterday I broke down. I CAN’T....keep living with this shit. Paranoid...disgusting...hugely delusional. Paranoid of food. Of chemicals. Huge fear of breaking out more. I hate myself and will die with nothing left in my soul but self-disgust. Nothing left in my heart but dead blood. Fuck acne, no one deserves it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
23 hours ago, ReddedShwx said:

I’m new here and honestly pretty messed up to begin with. So I don’t know how to start. Start anything for that matter.

Anyway, hi, I’m depressed and suicidal since 16 years old and I’m 21 now. Seems short but hey, life has felt extremely and unnecessarily long over here for some reason. And it sucks. 

As if I can’t be any more pathetic, here I am trying not to cry again. I’ll just stash that away since there’s no real reason to cry over acne, right? I guess not. Besides my eyes sting like hell whenever I shed the slightest tear. Ah well.

Basically, I’m fucked up. I hate talking about myself and I just want to die already but here goes I’ll make it brief and stupid: 

Personality before age 16 and before acne: Basically a funny, kind, helpful friend who would never hesitate to be in the spotlight just to have fun and make everyone laugh and feel at their happiest in life. 

Now, at age 15, sure I had started getting one pimple ocassionally but I had used Clearasil and it took care of it. My face had always been clear otherwise. I was... quite simply living the time of my life. And so, after having to move From Germany, depression hit badly because all my friends, family, do way of life disappeared. Unfortunately on top of that, I went to a new high school and honestly, it was terrible. Felt alone. Cold. Suddenly, and i didn’t understand why, I began breaking out on my cheeks, gradually, then my chin and forehead. That’s where the depression got worse. Not to mention getting bullied, made me feel suddenly unlovable and ... disgusting? Like a... monster. 

Fast forward to today. I had tried probiotics back when it was more severe. And one day I had looked in the mirror and seen that my entire left cheek was clear. But my mother stopped letting me take those because they’re bad for liver yadayada. Sigh. Ah well.

it all came back. For about five years now the same acne has been stuck on my face. And..well.. my mother is now an aesthetician and gave me currently a good regimen for moderate acne. Stuff with certain acids that help acne. Been helping and healthy diet during college really helped me. Everything was clearing finally... almost. Then .... I thought it would be okay... it would end. The pain. The feelings...of suicide. death. But no... my twin is like clear now...... I’m not at all. I ask myself... that’s not fair, why? They always touch their damn face. They eat lots of sweets I eat only fruits and vegetables. They complain about being ugly and  have no confidence. 

...You..fool. Acne is the only shade of black that ever cast me a shadow. I’ve been...so patient. So healthy. So selfless. All i wish for... is for this cursed acne to get lost. It’s getting worse and I disconnect myself so much I’m so alone. I feel nothing....my real self is gone. 

TL;DR I never had severe cystic acne, but this moderate acne on top of nonstop dry skin and REDNESS... all over my disgusting face... it’s all killing me. I’m mentally unstable, wanting to kill myself just about every day. At the moment, I’m alone cooped up in my room, ruminating that I can’t live a normal life because ACNE? And yet... this monster called acne has officially transformed the wearer into a much more frightening nightmare. I hardly cry anymore. depression did that. But yesterday I broke down. I CAN’T....keep living with this shit. Paranoid...disgusting...hugely delusional. Paranoid of food. Of chemicals. Huge fear of breaking out more. I hate myself and will die with nothing left in my soul but self-disgust. Nothing left in my heart but dead blood. Fuck acne, no one deserves it.

I can definitely relate.I'm 21and I've also struggled with being suicidal and depression, I also have a twin who is clear ... it feels really unfair and it's hard not to compare. I'm sorry you're going through this, no one deserves this. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

While reading this sometimes it felt like I wrote it. I'm in the middle of a mental breakdown, this had been going on for years.
The anxiety, depression, PTSD, BDD, Eating disorder ALL because of acne. Everything has been ruined and everything is going to get ruined. It's just pointless, and it seems like a huge joke played on me.

I have put on everything and took everything just for a thing that should be human: clear skin. It has crushed my beliefs in god and in anything else. Every inch of my bubbly personality has been gone. I've switched day and night all alone in my room for months. And nobody else would get this. Sometimes I just whisper to myself ''Why? I did EVERYTHING, what did I do WRONG?"

I'm sorry for also ranting but hey you're not alone..
Indeed, no one deserves it and I would wish it upon nobody. It's a real curse. Sometimes I would wish for other disasters in my life (not that I don't have that already), at least I would've been able to deal with that.

I'm also curious as to how long I'm going to survive this.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

20 here, and I've scar..If you have only acne ask for accutane.
I'm honest, the pimples are less worse than the scar
 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

26, female and in the same boat. For many years I struggled with depression, anxiety and PTSD, made two attempts on my life. Acne, cysts, and scaring on my face, chest, back, and butt. It can take such a psychological toll. I work with children and they constantly ask whats wrong with my face. After a while, it makes me feel ugly. I know they don't mean it. It hard not to let it get to you. Its nice to see we aren't alone.. At least this site has helped me not feel so alone... I hope things start changing for all of us. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 6/27/2018 at 7:34 PM, ReddedShwx said:

I’m new here and honestly pretty messed up to begin with. So I don’t know how to start. Start anything for that matter.

Anyway, hi, I’m depressed and suicidal since 16 years old and I’m 21 now. Seems short but hey, life has felt extremely and unnecessarily long over here for some reason. And it sucks. 

As if I can’t be any more pathetic, here I am trying not to cry again. I’ll just stash that away since there’s no real reason to cry over acne, right? I guess not. Besides my eyes sting like hell whenever I shed the slightest tear. Ah well.

Basically, I’m fucked up. I hate talking about myself and I just want to die already but here goes I’ll make it brief and stupid: 

Personality before age 16 and before acne: Basically a funny, kind, helpful friend who would never hesitate to be in the spotlight just to have fun and make everyone laugh and feel at their happiest in life. 

Now, at age 15, sure I had started getting one pimple ocassionally but I had used Clearasil and it took care of it. My face had always been clear otherwise. I was... quite simply living the time of my life. And so, after having to move From Germany, depression hit badly because all my friends, family, do way of life disappeared. Unfortunately on top of that, I went to a new high school and honestly, it was terrible. Felt alone. Cold. Suddenly, and i didn’t understand why, I began breaking out on my cheeks, gradually, then my chin and forehead. That’s where the depression got worse. Not to mention getting bullied, made me feel suddenly unlovable and ... disgusting? Like a... monster. 

Fast forward to today. I had tried probiotics back when it was more severe. And one day I had looked in the mirror and seen that my entire left cheek was clear. But my mother stopped letting me take those because they’re bad for liver yadayada. Sigh. Ah well.

it all came back. For about five years now the same acne has been stuck on my face. And..well.. my mother is now an aesthetician and gave me currently a good regimen for moderate acne. Stuff with certain acids that help acne. Been helping and healthy diet during college really helped me. Everything was clearing finally... almost. Then .... I thought it would be okay... it would end. The pain. The feelings...of suicide. death. But no... my twin is like clear now...... I’m not at all. I ask myself... that’s not fair, why? They always touch their damn face. They eat lots of sweets I eat only fruits and vegetables. They complain about being ugly and  have no confidence. 

...You..fool. Acne is the only shade of black that ever cast me a shadow. I’ve been...so patient. So healthy. So selfless. All i wish for... is for this cursed acne to get lost. It’s getting worse and I disconnect myself so much I’m so alone. I feel nothing....my real self is gone. 

TL;DR I never had severe cystic acne, but this moderate acne on top of nonstop dry skin and REDNESS... all over my disgusting face... it’s all killing me. I’m mentally unstable, wanting to kill myself just about every day. At the moment, I’m alone cooped up in my room, ruminating that I can’t live a normal life because ACNE? And yet... this monster called acne has officially transformed the wearer into a much more frightening nightmare. I hardly cry anymore. depression did that. But yesterday I broke down. I CAN’T....keep living with this shit. Paranoid...disgusting...hugely delusional. Paranoid of food. Of chemicals. Huge fear of breaking out more. I hate myself and will die with nothing left in my soul but self-disgust. Nothing left in my heart but dead blood. Fuck acne, no one deserves it.

Please don't give up on life. I promise you have a purpose. Honestly, the only thing that keeps me going when I get suicidal (because of my acne, my mental illnesses, etc., I've dealt with suicidal thoughts on and off for nearly 10 yrs) is knowing that God loves me and He has a purpose for my life, that and not wanting to hurt my family. There's a reason you're here on this earth (and it's not simply to suffer). You have a unique purpose only you can fulfill (something I continually have to remind myself, too, when I want to die). God promises to bring something good out of all circumstances for anyone who loves Him (Romans 8:28). Please don't give up, even though life is rough right now.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry all of you poor people have to deal with this too. It really does take a toll on you doesn’t it? For you that said you have scars and stuff, I don’t know how that feels. And many of you have suffered through this for much longer Than I have. I deeply ache inside because of the unfairness that life brings (seemingly to the ones who really don’t deserve to suffer am I right ?)

my heart goes out to all of you even though I fear I even have a heart anymore these days. I need to let out tears right now although unfortunately all crying ever does (and i bury my emotions 99% of the time) is burn my eyes like hell and it’s shit. 
I need to ask everyone if their suffering is getting worse and worse EVEN IF the acne or scars are GOING AWAY? 

Do you feel like you’re STILL SUFFERING?

all that I think about for my future (just few years more)is suicide. Even if my acne goes away, I’ll kill myself. I’ll drink until I get numb again and then just go. Because first of all and I know it’s true for probably ALL OF YOU:  

The Acne heals
But not what is lower

The Scars fade away
But never what’s left over

on top of that, and honestly mostly due to the acne ruining my life and confidence, I also am so alone. I have dysphoria (?) issues. I fucking despise my gender and wish to be the other. Acne PLUS being someone I can’t be? I feel like my personality is dying. Sorry. i don’t know who I am. Who I could ever be in this society anymore. Just screw it.

If you guys suffer extra things on top of acne itself, we can talk about it. I hope everyone is trying to deal with the pain right now. 

Lifes a nightmare alright.

living when you strongly don’t want to.
need help but I don’t talk.
bury emotions cause I’m fucking alright.

earlier today even before I started drinking , my suicidal urges got so powerful that my senses weakened and I got numb. 

Life isnt nightmare,

nightmare is life
 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
14 minutes ago, ReddedShwx said:

Sorry all of you poor people have to deal with this too. It really does take a toll on you doesn’t it? For you that said you have scars and stuff, I don’t know how that feels. And many of you have suffered through this for much longer Than I have. I deeply ache inside because of the unfairness that life brings (seemingly to the ones who really don’t deserve to suffer am I right ?)

my heart goes out to all of you even though I fear I even have a heart anymore these days. I need to let out tears right now although unfortunately all crying ever does (and i bury my emotions 99% of the time) is burn my eyes like hell and it’s shit. 
I need to ask everyone if their suffering is getting worse and worse EVEN IF the acne or scars are GOING AWAY? 

Do you feel like you’re STILL SUFFERING?

all that I think about for my future (just few years more)is suicide. Even if my acne goes away, I’ll kill myself. I’ll drink until I get numb again and then just go. Because first of all and I know it’s true for probably ALL OF YOU:  

The Acne heals
But not what is lower

The Scars fade away
But never what’s left over

on top of that, and honestly mostly due to the acne ruining my life and confidence, I also am so alone. I have dysphoria (?) issues. I fucking despise my gender and wish to be the other. Acne PLUS being someone I can’t be? I feel like my personality is dying. Sorry. i don’t know who I am. Who I could ever be in this society anymore. Just screw it.

If you guys suffer extra things on top of acne itself, we can talk about it. I hope everyone is trying to deal with the pain right now. 

Lifes a nightmare alright.

living when you strongly don’t want to.
need help but I don’t talk.
bury emotions cause I’m fucking alright.

earlier today even before I started drinking , my suicidal urges got so powerful that my senses weakened and I got numb. 

Life isnt nightmare,

nightmare is life
 


Again, I have nothing to offer. I will probably make it worse since I agree with everything you're saying. I'm also in the same boat since I've replied on this topic (When was I not?).

I totally get what you're saying. I was clear for a year after I went on accutane, and that's when I realised that it was just too late. The damage has been done in my soul (what soul tho) and whether I clear up or not I'm just done. I won't go into detail but you're not alone in those thoughts. Not that that helps since you do feel alone no matter what.

I'm sorry you have to suffer and also the dysphoria, I can imagine how hard it is. No I know how hard it is, only I suffer from other things on top of this. Not that I care anymore.

If you want to talk about it or anything don't hesitate. Not that I'm helpful but still

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
8 hours ago, Yasminexra said:

Again, I have nothing to offer. I will probably make it worse since I agree with everything you're saying. I'm also in the same boat since I've replied on this topic (When was I not?).

I totally get what you're saying. I was clear for a year after I went on accutane, and that's when I realised that it was just too late. The damage has been done in my soul (what soul tho) and whether I clear up or not I'm just done. I won't go into detail but you're not alone in those thoughts. Not that that helps since you do feel alone no matter what.

I'm sorry you have to suffer and also the dysphoria, I can imagine how hard it is. No I know how hard it is, only I suffer from other things on top of this. Not that I care anymore.

If you want to talk about it or anything don't hesitate. Not that I'm helpful but still
Your words alone have been helpful. If I may ask , how bad has your acne affected you and your life? Why do you claim to have no soul? 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, ReddedShwx said:
Your words alone have been helpful. If I may ask , how bad has your acne affected you and your life? Why do you claim to have no soul? 

I'm glad.
Well, words probably won't describe how bad I'm being affected but I'll try. It feels like my whole youth has been robbed away, since age 14/15 I was being bullied because of my skin. I started isolating myself, getting suicidal at such a young age. I'm not even mentioning that I had no one to comfort me since my parents were only fighting and using me. After my acne got better (roaccutane) it was still the only thing I could think about. I could not let go of the past and had this phobia of the acne returning. So my emotional state didn't change, however I was able to mask it.

Fast forward it just became too much, like I've mentioned BDD, PTSD and more got the best of me. Also, my fear coming true (bad skin again) just pinned me into the ground. Right now I've switched day and night, I try to stay alive for one more day everyday.

It really is hell, I graduated and I can get into university in about 2 months but it just seems like a big joke. I really don't have a future, I'm not even being pessimistic but rational when I say this. And I'm doing the utter most to bother anyone, including my parents. It probably is bad, but isolating is what I'm best at.

That's why I said that I have no soul. I never got the fair chance to grow up and be my own without all these demons inside me and outside (acne). So I don't know how it is to genuinely want to talk about normal things and think about normal things like I see my peers doing. Someone with a soul is probably able to picture a future (whether it be a good or bad one) without panicking and wanting to end it all right away.

Second reason I don't have a soul is because I simply don't allow myself to. Tasting a 'normal' day, and normal feelings (hope, happiness, sadness...) just to fall back into my destroyed reality would just be the last straw for me.

Sorry for the long essay, I actually tried to keep it short.
How do you think about it?
 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey I know exactly how you guys are feeling. I also used to cry when I had a horrible breakout. Now its not that bad but I am left with a lot of scars. Back then, when I was depressed ,I searched on youtube to see if there is anyone out there similar to me and feels what I am feeling.

I remember I saw a video which instantly lifted me up. The guy says that think about the problems that we are going through and ask yourself......will think will they matter 10 years from now ? If they do not, then these are not problems to cry upon.
Sure it feels sad to have a horrible face. But think about it long term. Focus on something you love and make a career in that. In time, everything will be okay. As for those, who think that they have missed their teenage years due to acne, let me tell you something, even for those people who had fun....ultimately it all became a memory.
And memories can be created easily. So stop being negative and start going outside and live you life .You will create beautiful memories. Look at people and smile. Its ok to not be ok. Its ok to be imperfect.Just donot forget to be human.

When you will have clear skin one day(or a face with tolerable amount of acne),you will remember all these memories about how you didn't lock yourself in a room and instead went out to celebrate. Do it guys, break the cycle. Or you will always have regrets about not enjoying your 20s just like teenage years.
 

Edited by terminator1997

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

have had acne since i was 11 now im 20, iv also felt these feelings, my face is improving little by little and i have deep scars also. I am not sure if this is the right way to think but I think of acne as a temporary thing, it will go away inevitably some day, im just preparing myself for the life after it, (by doing this i'm always in a fighting mode but at least im not sad) getting my degrees, getting a six pack, learning new language. It is difficult i know, but if you get through this you will not just live normal lives, you will live better lives than people with "normal skin".
- you will be tougher
- you will be empathetic 
- you will be more humble
- you will be more grateful
- you will not care what others think about you

historical figures also have helped me a lot, this is totally unrelated but their struggles make my struggle seem like a joke, i mean it in a good way (i don't mean our struggle isn't real, i just mean that people have been through worse and still succeeded)

this is totally unrelated to acne but such stories have helped me, i hope they help you too.. 
this one is about admiral yi-sun shin 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ieaDfD_h6s&t=63s

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 08/07/2018 at 2:06 PM, Yasminexra said:

I'm glad.
Well, words probably won't describe how bad I'm being affected but I'll try. It feels like my whole youth has been robbed away, since age 14/15 I was being bullied because of my skin. I started isolating myself, getting suicidal at such a young age. I'm not even mentioning that I had no one to comfort me since my parents were only fighting and using me. After my acne got better (roaccutane) it was still the only thing I could think about. I could not let go of the past and had this phobia of the acne returning. So my emotional state didn't change, however I was able to mask it.

Fast forward it just became too much, like I've mentioned BDD, PTSD and more got the best of me. Also, my fear coming true (bad skin again) just pinned me into the ground. Right now I've switched day and night, I try to stay alive for one more day everyday.

It really is hell, I graduated and I can get into university in about 2 months but it just seems like a big joke. I really don't have a future, I'm not even being pessimistic but rational when I say this. And I'm doing the utter most to bother anyone, including my parents. It probably is bad, but isolating is what I'm best at.

That's why I said that I have no soul. I never got the fair chance to grow up and be my own without all these demons inside me and outside (acne). So I don't know how it is to genuinely want to talk about normal things and think about normal things like I see my peers doing. Someone with a soul is probably able to picture a future (whether it be a good or bad one) without panicking and wanting to end it all right away.

Second reason I don't have a soul is because I simply don't allow myself to. Tasting a 'normal' day, and normal feelings (hope, happiness, sadness...) just to fall back into my destroyed reality would just be the last straw for me.

Sorry for the long essay, I actually tried to keep it short.
How do you think about it?
 
Sorry for the late reply. Life in the way. People. And suicidal thoughts. Also this site lags me. 

I think a lot about your experiences, your life and your pain. I know acne is not the worst thing ever.. and yeah we shouldn’t complain. but i see clearly how you are another poor soul suffering anyhow. We all individually have our own unique strengths and weaknesses. 

I understand... hey are you excited about college? I hope you aren’t too stressed or anxious. I’m getting ready for my final year at college and well I feel fuzzy and empty. 

You concerned me deeply with that.. 

you dont have a soul? :\

i cant dig into your heart and mind and fully truly understand  your thoughts and beliefs.. but I at least want to try....  

personally i believe I’m unlovable despite any relationships I’ve had. Do you also feel like a burden? Like a... useless piece of junk? Like... no  one and nothing? 

Do you also try to drink away your pain? Or do any activity that harms mentally and physically? but cant.. stop torturing yourself because self-hatred?

im so so alone and damn it i feel closer and closer to shooting myself already. Do you really wanna die lately? And yeah  acne  a culprit. Why? 

It screws with your mind. Changes your reality. VISION. You begin to have delusions that may never ever leave you. Do you feel haunted ? By your SELF?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 28/06/2018 at 6:53 PM, TuongNguyen97 said:

I'm 21 toooo. Not only do I have acne but scars also.

Wow. Welcome to the freak club. I’m sorry you deal with that, scars to add with? I can’t imagine that.  How You holding up? 
On 03/07/2018 at 10:10 AM, Mark5:34 said:
On 27/06/2018 at 6:34 PM, ReddedShwx said:

I’m new here and honestly pretty messed up to begin with. So I don’t know how to start. Start anything for that matter.

Anyway, hi, I’m depressed and suicidal since 16 years old and I’m 21 now. Seems short but hey, life has felt extremely and unnecessarily long over here for some reason. And it sucks. 

As if I can’t be any more pathetic, here I am trying not to cry again. I’ll just stash that away since there’s no real reason to cry over acne, right? I guess not. Besides my eyes sting like hell whenever I shed the slightest tear. Ah well.

Basically, I’m fucked up. I hate talking about myself and I just want to die already but here goes I’ll make it brief and stupid: 

Personality before age 16 and before acne: Basically a funny, kind, helpful friend who would never hesitate to be in the spotlight just to have fun and make everyone laugh and feel at their happiest in life. 

Now, at age 15, sure I had started getting one pimple ocassionally but I had used Clearasil and it took care of it. My face had always been clear otherwise. I was... quite simply living the time of my life. And so, after having to move From Germany, depression hit badly because all my friends, family, do way of life disappeared. Unfortunately on top of that, I went to a new high school and honestly, it was terrible. Felt alone. Cold. Suddenly, and i didn’t understand why, I began breaking out on my cheeks, gradually, then my chin and forehead. That’s where the depression got worse. Not to mention getting bullied, made me feel suddenly unlovable and ... disgusting? Like a... monster. 

Fast forward to today. I had tried probiotics back when it was more severe. And one day I had looked in the mirror and seen that my entire left cheek was clear. But my mother stopped letting me take those because they’re bad for liver yadayada. Sigh. Ah well.

it all came back. For about five years now the same acne has been stuck on my face. And..well.. my mother is now an aesthetician and gave me currently a good regimen for moderate acne. Stuff with certain acids that help acne. Been helping and healthy diet during college really helped me. Everything was clearing finally... almost. Then .... I thought it would be okay... it would end. The pain. The feelings...of suicide. death. But no... my twin is like clear now...... I’m not at all. I ask myself... that’s not fair, why? They always touch their damn face. They eat lots of sweets I eat only fruits and vegetables. They complain about being ugly and  have no confidence. 

...You..fool. Acne is the only shade of black that ever cast me a shadow. I’ve been...so patient. So healthy. So selfless. All i wish for... is for this cursed acne to get lost. It’s getting worse and I disconnect myself so much I’m so alone. I feel nothing....my real self is gone. 

TL;DR I never had severe cystic acne, but this moderate acne on top of nonstop dry skin and REDNESS... all over my disgusting face... it’s all killing me. I’m mentally unstable, wanting to kill myself just about every day. At the moment, I’m alone cooped up in my room, ruminating that I can’t live a normal life because ACNE? And yet... this monster called acne has officially transformed the wearer into a much more frightening nightmare. I hardly cry anymore. depression did that. But yesterday I broke down. I CAN’T....keep living with this shit. Paranoid...disgusting...hugely delusional. Paranoid of food. Of chemicals. Huge fear of breaking out more. I hate myself and will die with nothing left in my soul but self-disgust. Nothing left in my heart but dead blood. Fuck acne, no one deserves it.

Please don't give up on life. I promise you have a purpose. Honestly, the only thing that keeps me going when I get suicidal (because of my acne, my mental illnesses, etc., I've dealt with suicidal thoughts on and off for nearly 10 yrs) is knowing that God loves me and He has a purpose for my life, that and not wanting to hurt my family. There's a reason you're here on this earth (and it's not simply to suffer). You have a unique purpose only you can fulfill (something I continually have to remind myself, too, when I want to die). God promises to bring something good out of all circumstances for anyone who loves Him (Romans 8:28). Please don't give up, even though life is rough right now.
I don’t believe I can live and try to be the least of happy. And acne only has made me more self-conscious to the point of feeling pointless to be alive because there is 0 hope or good in the future anyway. Everything is bad. 
On 03/07/2018 at 10:10 AM, Mark5:34 said:
On 27/06/2018 at 6:34 PM, ReddedShwx said:

I’m new here and honestly pretty messed up to begin with. So I don’t know how to start. Start anything for that matter.

Anyway, hi, I’m depressed and suicidal since 16 years old and I’m 21 now. Seems short but hey, life has felt extremely and unnecessarily long over here for some reason. And it sucks. 

As if I can’t be any more pathetic, here I am trying not to cry again. I’ll just stash that away since there’s no real reason to cry over acne, right? I guess not. Besides my eyes sting like hell whenever I shed the slightest tear. Ah well.

Basically, I’m fucked up. I hate talking about myself and I just want to die already but here goes I’ll make it brief and stupid: 

Personality before age 16 and before acne: Basically a funny, kind, helpful friend who would never hesitate to be in the spotlight just to have fun and make everyone laugh and feel at their happiest in life. 

Now, at age 15, sure I had started getting one pimple ocassionally but I had used Clearasil and it took care of it. My face had always been clear otherwise. I was... quite simply living the time of my life. And so, after having to move From Germany, depression hit badly because all my friends, family, do way of life disappeared. Unfortunately on top of that, I went to a new high school and honestly, it was terrible. Felt alone. Cold. Suddenly, and i didn’t understand why, I began breaking out on my cheeks, gradually, then my chin and forehead. That’s where the depression got worse. Not to mention getting bullied, made me feel suddenly unlovable and ... disgusting? Like a... monster. 

Fast forward to today. I had tried probiotics back when it was more severe. And one day I had looked in the mirror and seen that my entire left cheek was clear. But my mother stopped letting me take those because they’re bad for liver yadayada. Sigh. Ah well.

it all came back. For about five years now the same acne has been stuck on my face. And..well.. my mother is now an aesthetician and gave me currently a good regimen for moderate acne. Stuff with certain acids that help acne. Been helping and healthy diet during college really helped me. Everything was clearing finally... almost. Then .... I thought it would be okay... it would end. The pain. The feelings...of suicide. death. But no... my twin is like clear now...... I’m not at all. I ask myself... that’s not fair, why? They always touch their damn face. They eat lots of sweets I eat only fruits and vegetables. They complain about being ugly and  have no confidence. 

...You..fool. Acne is the only shade of black that ever cast me a shadow. I’ve been...so patient. So healthy. So selfless. All i wish for... is for this cursed acne to get lost. It’s getting worse and I disconnect myself so much I’m so alone. I feel nothing....my real self is gone. 

TL;DR I never had severe cystic acne, but this moderate acne on top of nonstop dry skin and REDNESS... all over my disgusting face... it’s all killing me. I’m mentally unstable, wanting to kill myself just about every day. At the moment, I’m alone cooped up in my room, ruminating that I can’t live a normal life because ACNE? And yet... this monster called acne has officially transformed the wearer into a much more frightening nightmare. I hardly cry anymore. depression did that. But yesterday I broke down. I CAN’T....keep living with this shit. Paranoid...disgusting...hugely delusional. Paranoid of food. Of chemicals. Huge fear of breaking out more. I hate myself and will die with nothing left in my soul but self-disgust. Nothing left in my heart but dead blood. Fuck acne, no one deserves it.

Please don't give up on life. I promise you have a purpose. Honestly, the only thing that keeps me going when I get suicidal (because of my acne, my mental illnesses, etc., I've dealt with suicidal thoughts on and off for nearly 10 yrs) is knowing that God loves me and He has a purpose for my life, that and not wanting to hurt my family. There's a reason you're here on this earth (and it's not simply to suffer). You have a unique purpose only you can fulfill (something I continually have to remind myself, too, when I want to die). God promises to bring something good out of all circumstances for anyone who loves Him (Romans 8:28). Please don't give up, even though life is rough right now.

I don’t believe I can live and try to be the least of happy. And acne only has made me more self-conscious to the point of feeling pointless to be alive because there is 0 hope or good in the future anyway. Everything is bad. 

10 years is a long time, I don’t know how you can live and still feel like that. I can’t, and won’t.

Edited by ReddedShwx

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
20 hours ago, ReddedShwx said:
Sorry for the late reply. Life in the way. People. And suicidal thoughts. Also this site lags me. 

I think a lot about your experiences, your life and your pain. I know acne is not the worst thing ever.. and yeah we shouldn’t complain. but i see clearly how you are another poor soul suffering anyhow. We all individually have our own unique strengths and weaknesses. 

I understand... hey are you excited about college? I hope you aren’t too stressed or anxious. I’m getting ready for my final year at college and well I feel fuzzy and empty. 

You concerned me deeply with that.. 

you dont have a soul? :\

i cant dig into your heart and mind and fully truly understand  your thoughts and beliefs.. but I at least want to try....  

personally i believe I’m unlovable despite any relationships I’ve had. Do you also feel like a burden? Like a... useless piece of junk? Like... no  one and nothing? 

 

It's okay, I completely understand. Sometimes I have a hard time too to even visit the site or anything else for that matter. Also thank you, even tho I don't deserve any concern.

It isn't the worst thing if I think about it rationally, but why does it feel like the worst thing? And I can say that with confidence because I've had 'worse' problems in life but I was able to overcome those in the end. This just feels like a monster from the past that keeps dragging me back, even if I would have clear skin it feels like the damage that has been made to my mental health is already too big, deep and irreversible. Also the scars (no matter how unnoticable) would always remind me of all the bullying and mental pain I had to experience. I only see dead ends everywhere no matter how I view this.

I relate to your feelings about college. Right now I've cancelled out all fear because it's just too much, so I would say it's just emptiness I'm feeling. Or actually,  I'm just convincing myself that I won't make it till then, it's the only way I can possible handle the thought that university is 2 months away. I've put my soul to make it till here, get my diploma.
Now that I reached that point it's scary because in reality it actually feels like I'm back to square one. Does this make any sense? I literally have a thousand thoughts about this topic that I try to cancel out so I'm kinda rattling. Combining everything I just feel like a lost cause.

I actually made a seperate topic about starting university, I don't know if you're interested but here it is: Topic about university

Also, I just realised saying that I don't have a soul sounds extreme. Let me me explain;
When I think about my true personality it just hurts too much. I would say I'm really bubbly with friends, like to study, enjoy helping people, actually love going outside and dressing up. But none of that is me right now, I would say I'm doing the complete opposite.

And If I were to go outside, here's what happens:
My BDD acts up PTSD goes through the roof, I would panic while getting ready, I keep comparing myself to people, it feels like everyone is bullying me again..and much more. It has been this way for YEARS even when I had 'good' days. My so called 'personality' has been robbed away from me before even getting the fair chance to grow up. All this while even leaving my family problems out of the picture.
So right now, convincing myself and everyone else that I have no soul is a coping mechanism to get trough the days.

People (including my doctor) tell me,: "Just try to be that kind of person again, get help. Acne shouldn't be this big of a deal". Well I can't, and it is. No mattter what I do nothing gets better. And I think that's the hard part, because 'surely putting so much patience and effort into something pays off'. It didn't. And I find it hard to comprehend that nothing payed off, and I'm sure nothing will EVER pay off. I went against all my fears for years, I studied, I went trough so many medicines for acne from a young age, , I suffered so much, I eventually overcame the bullying, I went trough therapy for 4 years.
And that is exactly why I get suicidal, I just don't want to suffer like this anymore. And such words ( "Just try to be that kind of person again, get help")  make it worse, I just feel more worthless because to outsiders it is something I should get over at some point, but I CAN'T.

Wow I'm really going all out here. Let's move on from that, yes it's probably hard to understand my way of thinking because even I can't keep up. Which is probably why I'm never able to fall asleep or not distract myself. I just hope maybe you can find yourself in some things, because it's even worse when you feel all isolated and alone in this journey.

And I also agree, I do feel like I'm a burden. Which is maybe why everything got to this point. When things go bad I always isolate myself. Since my self-esteem already felt nonexcistent I thought that of all people I shouldn't have acne or atleast show my face to people and bother their sight. Or talk about my feelings and bother anyone.  And yes when I think about it it hurts, like I've said earlier. I like to help people, but I can't  even help myself anymore. Even now I'm hoping I'm not bothering you or anyone else reading this.

At age 15 I was already ignoring the red lights while crossing the roads  on purpose, think about that. How messed up must I be now? I just read that you were bullied as well. I'm so sorry. Sometimes I wonder, is that what made the diference? I don't know
 
Quote

Do you also try to drink away your pain? Or do any activity that harms mentally and physically? but cant.. stop torturing yourself because self-hatred?

im so so alone and damn it i feel closer and closer to shooting myself already. Do you really wanna die lately? And yeah  acne  a culprit. Why? 


I'm actually concerned about that but that's hypocrital of me. I'm so sorry for what you're going through and if I could do something I would. But atleast, I know how you feel. Not exactly, but please feel free to talk or share anything.

To answer your question: I've tried, thought about drinking alcohol. Hurting myself. But I think by not doing that I'm punishing myself more on purpose. By not being able to escape I feel every ounce of the pain.
 
Quote

It screws with your mind. Changes your reality. VISION. You begin to have delusions that may never ever leave you. Do you feel haunted ? By your SELF?


In my opinion you hit the nail on the head. It doesn't matter how many people compliment me, liked me or what not. In the end it boils down to me and what acne did to me from such a young age, whether it be my appearence or simply my mental state. And it sounds stupid to say, but that is my reality. It actually infuriates me when people don't see what I see. Not that I allow anyone but still.

Sorry, I'm just seeing that I typed so much..

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On ‎12‎.‎07‎.‎2018 at 3:46 AM, Yasminexra said:
if I would have clear skin it feels like the damage that has been made to my mental health is already too big, deep and irreversible.
hahaha no. You will not feel this way. You just smile and move forward. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
45 minutes ago, Candy Says said:
On 12-7-2018 at 2:46 AM, Yasminexra said:
if I would have clear skin it feels like the damage that has been made to my mental health is already too big, deep and irreversible.
hahaha no. You will not feel this way. You just smile and move forward. 

Yes I would, because I had clear skin for almost 1.5 years. Not even one pimple, completely clear. And let me say, not even ONE day was I freed from my thoughts and problems. Everyday I feared, everytime I came short of breath thinking about what happened, everyday I couldn't come close to people, I cried everyday, I stayed home, I couldn't let go of my fear of food... you name it. Does that seem like smiling and moving forward to you?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Don't give up redded.  Acne is neither pleasant or fair but it is one of the lots that many of us have to deal with.   Everyone in life has their own.  From reading your posts, i think that your feelings about acne is a part of a larger thing, maybe depression.  I deal with both and my though patterns has been very similar to yours at time.  I've had clearer periods in my life but when my depression was untreated, it didn't even matter and i was still anxious, sad and at times, suicidal.  I'm getting help and have been in that process for 2 years and while the acne continues to plague me like a damn second skin, the suicidal thoughts have lessened and I am having more good days than bad ones.  If you are able, check with your insurance and find a good social worker who is willing to work with you through what seems like a very difficult time.  It's not going to be easy but given time and the right fit, you can learn to love yourself and life, even with acne.  

Feel free to reach out.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
10 hours ago, leelowe1 said:

Don't give up redded.  Acne is neither pleasant or fair but it is one of the lots that many of us have to deal with.   Everyone in life has their own.  From reading your posts, i think that your feelings about acne is a part of a larger thing, maybe depression.  I deal with both and my though patterns has been very similar to yours at time.  I've had clearer periods in my life but when my depression was untreated, it didn't even matter and i was still anxious, sad and at times, suicidal.  I'm getting help and have been in that process for 2 years and while the acne continues to plague me like a damn second skin, the suicidal thoughts have lessened and I am having more good days than bad ones.  If you are able, check with your insurance and find a good social worker who is willing to work with you through what seems like a very difficult time.  It's not going to be easy but given time and the right fit, you can learn to love yourself and life, even with acne.  

Feel free to reach out.

Thank you so much for everything, he words. I understand what you’re saying. I have really hilariously bad manic issues. Do you seriously have delusions whenever you look in the mirror, later you feel worse or better about yourself. As if there are more than one of yourself, our identity. 

Im sorry about what happened with you in your life. I never really had anxiety about it so I don’t know how painful it must be. I just get numb depressed and feel like I’m too ugly to be loved or to live. When clearly couple years back that wasn’t the case. 

I do have hope sometimes, other times no. Your words hold true. I’m glad you are trying your best while strong and getting support. I can try.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

30 years old over here, don't stress about it - first 15 years with acne are bad after that it gets better and better. Or at least you don't sweat about it too much :D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm 44. Just got my first acne scar. My whole life with no scarring and then BOOM! I'm sure it was because of the Differin. It just changed how delicate my skin was dramatically during the adjustment period. 
With that...yes, emotionally--dealing with the scarring is way worse than the acne. But think about this--I'm walking around and just now (because I'm feeling self conscious about my new scar) I'm just NOW noticing scars on other people's faces (from acne or whatever else)--on people that I have known and see DAILY for YEARS...never even noticed until now that many of them have scars somewhere on their faces. I NEVER EVEN SAW THEM UNTIL I LOOKED FOR THEM. We are WAY more critical of ourselves than others are. 
Side note--I've seen a lot of moles that look way worse than a tiny dimple on the skin (acne scar) and people don't even pay any mind or matter to their moles. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
11 hours ago, Umas said:

30 years old over here, don't stress about it - first 15 years with acne are bad after that it gets better and better. Or at least you don't sweat about it too much :D

Hey. Has it gotten better or at least felt better for you? I hope so. I don’t want you to have to suffer through it either :\
7 hours ago, TheBean said:

I'm 44. Just got my first acne scar. My whole life with no scarring and then BOOM! I'm sure it was because of the Differin. It just changed how delicate my skin was dramatically during the adjustment period. 
With that...yes, emotionally--dealing with the scarring is way worse than the acne. But think about this--I'm walking around and just now (because I'm feeling self conscious about my new scar) I'm just NOW noticing scars on other people's faces (from acne or whatever else)--on people that I have known and see DAILY for YEARS...never even noticed until now that many of them have scars somewhere on their faces. I NEVER EVEN SAW THEM UNTIL I LOOKED FOR THEM. We are WAY more critical of ourselves than others are. 
Side note--I've seen a lot of moles that look way worse than a tiny dimple on the skin (acne scar) and people don't even pay any mind or matter to their moles. 

I went over this post about three times in total. You’re absolutely right. >.> Thanks my friend for saying your experience and thoughts it helped. And I agree i really do. And honestly what also has been helping and saving my life is drinking. I love it. And that’s the news honestly, for me, I care less about the acne and other delusions thanks to my alcohol.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I had severe acne, now it's moderate. I feel better about it too, but I have worse problems. I've tried antibiotics few times and last time(7 years ago) something happened and I have chronic stomach(and jaw lol) pain 24/7. I went true suicidal depression because I couldn't handle the pain. Mindfullness meditation helped me, and I still try to get a diagnosis.  I regretted so much that I was so desperate to try to treat my acne, that regret was even worse than pain. I was in state like that for ~5 years.
Meditation helped me understand that while maybe I will never get to know how it is live without pain - I still can live without suffering.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


  • Personalized Advice Quiz - All of Acne.org in just a few minutes

×