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onward to accutane

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hi everyone!

for the last two weeks i have been surfing this site and it has been really helpful. everyone is so supportive and witty and awesome and strong! anyways.. this post is my coming out of the acne closet!... and i guess to document my history and my growth from here on up. I am 19 years old i go to the university of toronto...and the canadian winter always makes my skin go crazy insaney! so ill be posting here every so often. i get my blood work done saturday morning and then monday afternoon i have a meeting with the derm to move on to accutane. wish me luck. breaka leg, et.c.et.c.........here is a shot of me when my skin was perfect in august:: i wanna go back to that.


but heres the history: i have had mild to moderate acne but was put on vitamin a acid and solugel team when i was in gr8 and that worked for about 3-4 years and then mmy system became immune. i was hopign the breakouts were justa blip but, after all, not the case! my skin never responded again to that combo. so entering my first summer after uni and going into second year i go desperate to the derm who puts me on clyndoxil and differin and gets me some tetracycline... which is scary , oral meds, so i refuse to take ’em... but eventually i give in, and it works ok, then the doc gives me minocycline... which i renew again and here we are, currently! a month and a half into the mino regiment and i learn about its side effects and so i go off... plus, my skin is still breakign out so it doesnt dooooo anything, why stay?

well well well, its wintertime and i always forget how bad my skin really is and then poof, it appears like a monster in its true form... so i am seriously considering accutane. my skin has affected me and i dont feel comfortable with myself anymore. i cant be ina serious relationship anymore cos i just cant DO all the thigns i want , if u catch my drift? so lets go onn the fabululoso accutane-a-thon.


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thanks yesac, that was really sweet!

1 post- 1 fan. im off to a good start!

so new-found friends... im feeling absolute shit right now and i decided to vent.

want to know the formula for feeling like you are goign to cry, almost ALL day?

well...! last week i found out that my brother if gay..possibly bi? but ashamed of coming out because he is scared of what our roman catholic family would think. i also learned he has been depressed lately and talks about suicide with his friends

note to everyone: snooping in peoples e-mail accounts always leads you to volatile information!

and then.... i have this HUUUGE paper due on friday... stupid st. augustine , i HATE st. augustine! (i dont really, i was enamoured at first, but compounded with all these other things? nu-uh. cant begina 2000 word text love affair these days)

and to boot! i have decided to break up with my boyfriend. whome i like so so much. he is the first guy that i know i can fall for. before, just flings, right? but hes genuine. absolutely yummy and sincere individual. almost 3 months and things are awesome. but he met me when my skin was perfect. and i prayed on my new routine it wouldnt come back, but it has. and i am so ashamed. and i know..blabla, dont be s o superfiscial, tisha! but c’mon! this isnt superfiscial. this is me being honest with myself. i cannot be the person i really am when im feeling insecure. and i cannot have an absolutely honest relationship if i want to wear MAKEUP all the time. its like a wall would exist between us. and i know that in the state i am in now, i am feeling inadequit and therefore will be selling him short if i make him brave accutane with me. he didnt bargain for less than everything, so why expect him to feel fulfilled being with me right now? it wouldnt be fair. and would be anguish for me, i think.

so on sunday, btwn sun and tues i am goign to tell him why i want to postpone his getting to know me. anad that i like him so much, but that right now is a horrible time for things to progress. and that i had time. and that eternity is in the present? and that my present right now can only be the past and the future, unfortunatly. thus! bye-bye my lovely...

i am very sad about this. thats the biggest B*S bout this coming back right now--that i am cutting people out fo my life who i care abotu and who care about me just because i feel like a picture in a dermatologoists before photo! lab rats are sexy, wouldnt u say? nooo

but the worst part is! my dad is really into holistic healing and is incredibly anti-anti-biotics.(hes a holistic mormon, ever met one? u dont really want to) so when he found out he gave me this incredibly be-littling lecture on the �horrors of perscriptions� bla-bla. and i know all the bad stuff about accutane, my brother just got off of it and i saw and feel everything co swe are very close. his words made me cry people! and i am not a frail individual, but these things are really getting to me... and the reality of my week just seems so vivid.

i hate feeling this gravity... i feel like my only option is gonna for sure cause me some tragic life-death-sentance thing since my father is so adament. he suggest i do a liver-cleanse and go on a massive amount of nutritionals, thinks my problems is entirely in my liver and my immune system! HAS ANYONE ELSE HEARD OF THIS OR DONE A LIVER CLEANSE? i think that this may be part of it, but coudlnt possibly be the whole score. i have this for too long to buy that all along, my immune system was simply DEFFICIENT! thatd be a slap int he face, after all these years to discover the simplicity? anyways.. ive typed too much, i feel like a good cry!

(although i should be writing an essay, ha!) good night all, and wish me well.. i shall speak to you soon. thanks for your presence. this site is awesome!


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hmm.. essay is coming ok. i hope to get a b...(not feeling very academically ambitious tonight) i also hope my t.a. doesnt spill coffe over my essay while marking it this time.

blood work on saturday morning! exciting. think ill likely faint! i get all squirmy thinkin about needles.. gosh!

so heres the plan for the following 4-6 months of my accutane existance

a) cellibacy (weeeee*)

b) usana sensè skin care regiment. gently balances the p.h.... lots o moisture!

c) read alot of poetry and plays...stay happy

d) talk to my brother and friends daily to make sure i dont get all moody-insecure and psycho on it.

e) did i mention moisturize?

ooo...gonna buya really good conditioner and possibly only wash my hair once a week for the first month.. gonna wear a hat everywhere! accept to work. i ama recpetionist so its pretty impossible to be professional and wear a winter hat, ya?

thats the only scary part- will i be uber mutated on accutane and be presentable at work? i hope i canlive the double life

tomorrow is a big day.. out with the crew and handing in my final essay and opff to the theatre (eternal sunshine at innis townhall, yea*)

ps- bro is doin pretty good i think, not mopey at all lately. hes got a concert tomorrow night. and all is awesome in soft lighting*

still heartbroken bout sunday with the boy tho. dont know how im gonna be able to let go. getting his brithday present together though...fun distraction, wish it didnt have to be goodbye. night

pps- oh! my skin right now is good! i stopped minocycline a few days ago (which i suspect totally had a bad effect on ym skin, everything felt pending right below the surface!) and all i have been up to is sensè moisturizing gentle cleansing stuff and all the bumps have slowly deflated and now im virtually clear accept for these lousy red marks, f•ers. v. annoying. big time makeup job tomorrow. i totally recommend serum intensiv from sensè as well as their cleanser, toner and daily moisturizer. thats what im on right now. and IF it calms my skin during accutane, u know its brilliant! time will tell.

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skin update: still pissin me off.. red marks on my face and jus healin up.. my back is breaking out! shoulderblades... ick, it was all gone last week sad.gif

i have found astringents plus pure zone scrub cleanser to be really helpful for nixing that... but take san immensity of persistance.

also: blooooood work done today! gosh im sucha dorky squimish little girl... butas with every needle it was over before i even realized it have begun. so never fear needle-phobics.

-doc on monday @ 3... onward to accutane

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okay ladies and gents! soo exciting. the real journal commences here


accutane pill 1 taken tongiht over dinner.

skin- still breaking out

boyfriend- very interesting night on sunday. we didnt break up. but we did make out... hours and hours and hours...what a wussie i am? or maybe im just icnreidbly brave?

i might pitch the break idea after his birthday?


well, no side effects yet

my derm said i should expect a 50% imporvement in the first month, maybe 90% in the second.. he saidwith my skin, the zits arent as deep as those which he would expect to have a bad initial breakout and that i shouldnt worry. hmm?

hes a good guy, i trust him. but ill re-form that opinion in 4 weeks.

1 pill a day, 40mg.... lets see how the first month goes... ill post back when i notice the changes.

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dear accutane log-

it is midnight on day six of ym accutane experience. 6! and that means i should ahve soemthing to say.

ok, i dont know if this is the accutane initial �outbreak- but i do have a couple of active zits doing their thing... mostly around my mouth- my chin and my upper lip.

a couple of days ago if u had asked me where my problem area was i would have said everywhere around my nose and mouth. but now its more the mouth. o, also, my hairline- ont he left. but i dont notice it cos well. my hair is really long- not really aproblem. BUT I DO HAVE TWO CYSTS! one is less noticable above my right eyebrow and the other is massive! beside my right nostral... if it werent for these two friends, id be ECSTATIC.eugh!!!

like i said, probably not an accutane thing- i believe its just me breaking out and accutane speeding that along...ALSO i suspect my blackheads are coming to the forefront. but maybe thats just cos im looking for them...

my skin has changed, i have noticed. my foreahead is almost completely clear accept for a cyst that is almost completely unnoticable as it is shrinking away and i was good and DID NOT poke at it. but i have noticed i have to change something about my skin care- because i my forehead is getting a little raw now, since i have continued exfooliating once every two days with the pure zone cleanser(bad! contains..s.a.)... anyway! im stopping! cos a rash all over my face is not gonna be any better than zits. plus, dry + makeup= impossible. i had to slather on the vaseline half way through AN 8 HOUR SHIFT AT WORK. UH-O.

but yes... my skin is getting a bit more pink and dry. the dry sucks the most. its winter and its nearly unavoidable.

but so far, so good ont he accutane. no crazy side effects.


on a unrelated(?) note- i believe i inherited my boyfriends cold sore. which i thought he had gotten rid of, but maybe no? i blame accutane for making my immune system a bit more slow to react, cos it surface a couple of days after i last saw him, a few days into accutane....

ps- no signs of depression whatsoever...in fact, the opposite= yay solstice!

my next update will be before x-mas..today is the 18th so ill update on or just after baby jesus arrives.

tongihts plan of action: eliminating my harsh cleanser. rehabilitating my skin with expensive Esteè Lauder moisturizers and a good thick layer of viatmin e.

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*sigh*- day8?

pimples pimples.. some things in the crevasc of my chin... one o the right of my mouth, two i can feel but not see above my lip bside my nostril in the middle (replacing my cold sore) and the ever-present cyst beside my nose.

forehead fine

accept one friend dancing in between my eyes.

-cant sleep. bad dreams. skin to nurse. extracted some black heads today- ewwie.

if anyone wants to tell me how to get rid of blackheads or cyst, go right ahead. id love u forever. my baby you’d be.

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well. just took pill 10

so far i ahve learned that:

blackheads are inevitable.

if three zits form right beside one another they look and feel and act like a cyst

never touch your skin ( or something situationally specific)

coldsores heal faaster than pimples...eugh

moisture moisture moisture-IZE

my skin: is crappy, but i think maybe will be turning? hopefull before christma, but REALLY hopefully before new years...auld lang syn...i popped two zits that were just ASKING for it. lets see if the home operation has positive effects..

feeling tierd, wierd sleeping, no new crazy dreams. feeling a bit too isolated for my liking.

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day12 or 13

- intersting rash ladies and gentlemen- looks liek poison ivy.. needs moisturizer desperately to keep me form cutting off my skin... int he middle of my arm.. my elbos, near there. horrid!.... its pinkish.. long sleeves for me!

face update... absoolutely clear above the nostrils.... below is another story altogther

ive never broken out between my nose and my lips before but this seems to be the time! like, 6 little zits there that are so gross! i swear i look like i have contracted herpes! wish it were coldsores,t hose go away fast! no red marks! bliss!

umm...my chin is still being a bitch... accutane, do your thang.. pweaassee! hurry. christmas present? or soemthign?

im just glad for makeup- with it on i almost pass as clear

sucha good christmas though! everyone shoudl havea rewarding job. i love beign a receptionist ata retirement home- makes you feel like your makinga difference. moments of selflessness on both parts.

forget myself a bit

also-hmm...hair is immaculately dry. i only wahsed it once in 6 days, i think this is smart. i dont want ot get it purged of natural oils

i ahve stopped using all products for acne on my face.. accept a bit fo a cpot treatment for the things around my mouth. im sorry, this will NOT do at midnight 2005...

until we meet again lovelies

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hi forum,

about your dry skin. have you ever considered yourself buying Cetaphil Moisturizing Lotion. i tried it this week and it's very nice. very moisturizing and very light and not greasy. perfect for dry skin. i just started accutane too....and 1 week has passed. oil reduction and such.....no breakouts. please get a moisturizer......it's important for this type of treatment!

for your hair....get Dove for dry hair. SO SO SO good. I know it's not one of those salon qulaity but it's really good. From my experince. Get the conditioner too.

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hi forum,

about your dry skin.  have you ever considered yourself buying Cetaphil Moisturizing Lotion.  i tried it this week and it's very nice.  very moisturizing and very light and not greasy.  perfect for dry skin.  i just started accutane too....and 1 week has passed.  oil reduction and such.....no breakouts.  please get a moisturizer......it's important for this type of treatment!

for your hair....get Dove for dry hair.  SO SO SO good.  I know it's not one of those salon qulaity but it's really good.  From my experince.  Get the conditioner too.

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hmm...I wonder if this will motivate you FORUM but...here's my story.

I dyed my hair 3 times in 1 month. It was dry, brittle, and tangly. I bought the Dove for Dry/Damaged Hair and it helped out a lot. It's much more moisturized and much softer. Even after coloring my hair 3 times in 1 month (not recommended). Dove is also popular in my school too....for some reason. People dye their hair a lot and word has been spreading that it makes their CRUNCHY hair into normal hair. LOL!!

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hmm...I wonder if this will motivate you FORUM but...here's my story.

I dyed my hair 3 times in 1 month.  It was dry, brittle, and tangly.  I bought the Dove for Dry/Damaged Hair and it helped out a lot.  It's much more moisturized and much softer.  Even after coloring my hair 3 times in 1 month (not recommended).  Dove is also popular in my school too....for some reason.  People dye their hair a lot and word has been spreading that it makes their CRUNCHY hair into normal hair.  LOL!!

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Guest Brandon

I hope everything goes smoothly and soundly for you, forum. Best of luck to you!

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okay.day 17?

im fucking mad. i am so fed up i am so conflicted and i am so frusterated and i am bitching here, bitching and i know i am. and excuse my french. its not a time for eloquence. its a time when any attempt at communication is made clumsy with childlike incomprehensability.

like... its not even about me, its about the people who surround me. its the fact that i am paralysed right now by this idiot monster breakout and the fact that i cant celebrate new years with my boy. and i hate this so fucking much... i want to cry but only because of him. i dont mind being ugly for a while. but i do mind the way this transformation is going to affect my life at this pivotal time. i could fall in love him you know?. we could be really awesoem together . i mean, we are awesome together. but its not the way i want because i am self-consciouse. and im an intense person. when i do things i committ myself entirely. and my passion, the theatre, its such a exhibitionistic thing, and this is the first year that i am not doing any plays becaus eof the OBVIOUS.... grr! oh geeze, life was good...

intensely sad. mood music:the gentle document of what it is to be a human being that elliott smith so eloquently conveys...either-or... and xo

fucking conflict

here are the facts of my current accutane-ness


-my skin is noticably less oily

-no headaches to report

-rash on my arms is gone, yay!

-i got a cell phone for christmas


-my right arm aches when i am leaning against myb ed and typing on my laptop

-increidbly irregular sleep patterns. immense tierdness that hits me often. lack of concentration, skin has taken over my consciousness. no dreams like before.

-i dont write poetry as much anymore. i dont feel driven.

-another nosebleed...like, 5 minutes ago.


I keep breaking out. i have a virtual beard of zits on my right side. my face is much redder. i have to wear pounds of makeup,whereas in wugust september and october i didnt have to wear any at all! so the geography is as follows: lower right side of my face , chin and jawline is covered, left chin and jawline is clear, left forehead i am getting what seems likea cyst appearing, shizzle! so angry-making. my forehead was perfect b4. also one zit below my left eye. the things that had formed below my nose seem to be clearing themselves- but its still red and i do notice a slight bumpiness. also where that cyst appeared on day 7, beside my nose, there is stilla red mark and a zit right beside it has just formed. also, my back adn chest seemt o be adhereing to the same trend. they were completely clear b4 accutane. i mean, that week. its not a new phenomenon in general, lol.

so angry! my skin was virtually clear the week before accutane. ive never had such relentles breakouts that take so long to heal as i do now, into week 3.

ps- forum has no physical form. only an internet mystique.

pps- and even if she did, she would be several sizes more petite than kelly oosbourne (also forum is of scandinavian heritage, not italian)

..but she would wear scarlet lipstick. thnx illusion wink.gif

i am goign to be probably doing alot of posting concerning the boyfriend.. i am very upset right now!!!!! good luck everyone , i hope things are goign better for you all. anyone who has read this, what are my odds on being clearer in 10 days time? cos i cant put off seeing him forever! he hasnt seen me since i started the tane cos we were both out of town.... eusa_doh.gif

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Hi Forum, I've noticed that being on accutane makes your skin erratic, there are days when the condition seems to be flaring up and others when it's calm. I suspect you're probably experiencing the initial breakout phase if new zits are appearing when there was none before. Hang in there smile.gif

I've had a similar experience of avoiding the guy I was seeing due to the way I felt about this debilating condition, and we broke it off eventually. By playing subterfuge, I couldn't be honest and he didn't understand why I had to be reclusive if I really wanted to go out with him. It's a catch-22 situation but if you confront your worst fears, you'd realise that if he's not able to see beyond appearances, he's not worth keeping. Keep me posted, lady scarlet wink.gif

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hey, thnx. i know, endlessly fluctuating fun is the sarcastic definition i have established for accutane!

anyway- new plan. i have decided to take a chill and not panic. i will do the following for the next few days:

wake up, wash my face, not look in the mirror.

saem @ bed time

and on sunday morning i will actually look and take it int and then i will post here.

so i shall wait, and decide about the panicing on sunday morning. (sings no doubt song*)

ps- hes totally able to see beyond appearances. he is awesome. but i cant get over myself right now.

pps- i wrote a poem once, about a forest fire, it was a haiku.. and one of the images i used was scarlet lady. and if u look it up, it means a woman of loose morals... hehehe, just thought that was funnny!

see you again on day21


-the scarlet lady

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day20! picture journal commences here!

okay- so they might be crappy pictures, but i hope that u guys will atleast get some small idea of what it is im dealing with here. just imagine everything looks a billion times redder than the pics. the cell phone seems to bleach everything out(not detecting flaws is cool, but not for this particular purpose of exhibition)- and sinc eim already very fair its hard to distinguish the red marks. but yes- my major problem zone is my right lower chin-jawline area- here is the fantabulous photo i took 30 seconds ago-[attachmentid=215][attachmentid=216]

okay - so i did chill, and i took the chill pill.. conducted buisiness as usual. actually ended up going out alot(makeup helps me forget).. iced the cysts which have appeared on myright side and thigns seems to be calming. which is such a relief. there is redness everywhere and blackheads galore! ±i had virtually none b4 the tane! i know how to coax my skin into remission when im allowedd to use every product otu there, but now, on tane? not so possible)

also! i have started curling my hair. its sexy! no more straightening iron for me- i think it helps out wiht my overall mood... but back to buisiness!

my chest and back are clearing nicely- like- almost completely on my chest- just a few redmarks and healing stuff. all i have been doing is moisturizing relentlessly, and still using the pure-zone scrub at shower time) im getting excited! im so happy that next week may be promising and calm. and it looks promising because for a while there the breakouts were relentlessa and painful for my face(painful whiteheads int he worst places-lips, nose-everywhere around my mouth u can think of). but now the only thing of prominance are the blackheads and the pores which appear like blackheads but which may only be the guk that tane is purging.

also my skin is not as delicate as it was initially- if i so much as touched it it seemed to turn red. -its almost as though the gunk has pased the half way point- the zits that needed to be pushed out surfaced and now the deep down is what is surfacing. which is gross! granted- but id trade the zits for black heads anyday!

other side effects: acheyness is less. moisturizer seems to eb doing its job properly..mmm no more rash! still dandruff- but thats cos i itch sometimes! cos im bad! but if i break out again badly i will be right ont hese boards fessing up.

lets see how long these two cysts on my chin take to heal? they already have been around for about a week!...those bastards!

talk to you soon! happy 2005!






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stick with it, i know you'll overcome it. dont give up because beyond the acne you are really pretty. you have a positive attitude which i envy.

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