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Ugh, I'm so annoyed with this shit.

So for the past 9 months or so I've been visualizing three times a day.  Something interesting: when I started visualizing I was about to get back on birth control because it clears my hormonal acne, but while waiting I figured I would just start visualizing.  The visualizing actually cleared my skin enough to where I decided to put off the birth control and just continue with visualizing.  I was really happy, and really pretty amazed!  I quit thinking of myself as someone with acne issues.  I almost never thought of acne, period.  I started feeling attractive.  I started dating!  I even made out with a couple guys!  It was fairly awesome and sooo freeing.  Yeah, I still got a little zit here and there, but no more cysts or whiteheads, no more multiple zits at a time.  I even started visualizing to clear acne scars instead of acne, because for the most part the acne was gone.

I even ALMOST posted on here about how visualizing had really worked for me.  But I stopped myself.  Because this little voice in the back of my head said, "You've thought you found the solution before and it always came back.  Better wait to see if this is real."

Well, sure enough, a few months ago, I had a stressful few days and my face broke out in three giant whiteheads.  I hadn't broken out like that for months, but I wasn't too worried.  I got a facial, and then instead of clearing up my face exploded into a cluster of seventeen whiteheads and cysts.  After all those months of clear skin, BAM!  And that cluster is mostly red scars now but my face continues to sport new whiteheads and cysts ever since.  It's like it's right back to its old pattern.  I'm still visualizing, but I've lost the faith.  Not totally.  I believe it did clear my skin.  But then it didn't.  And now it isn't.  And I know it's probably partly due to my emotional response toward the acne, but I cannot help but be really freaking annoyed and SAD.  This stuff makes me feel like hiding from the world and it's just plain lonely.

I had second thoughts about getting on birth control again because it's given me issues with depression in the past and I know it's just a short-term fix as in I can't stay on it long-term.  I started Estroblock yesterday so hopefully that'll do something for my lovely, hormonal acne.

I have a music gig to play tomorrow, and a party to go to.  And if it weren't for acne, I'd simply be looking forward to everything, but because of my FACE, I barely want to do either and I just resent life for being so difficult and annoying.  

It could be worse, I know.  Much worse.  But it still sucks.

I'm going to keep visualizing anyway.  Can't hurt, and I really do believe in mind-body connection.  Sometimes it just seems completely arbitrary.  


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What do you exactly visualize about? The zit-less alter-ego? Instead of just meandering off into the distant land of no zits, why don't you give it a narrative instead? Be creative. Write a happy story with you as the main character.

After all, blind meditation sucks. Meditation needs a purpose.

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