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WannabeActor

The TRUE cost of this horrible disease

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It hurts, always being paranoid and literally NEVER being happy because even if my skin is clear for a bit, some god-forsaken blemish (and I'm not talking some shallow blackhead/whitehead... no, often deep papules or pustules that NEED to be popped or they WILL linger or god-forsaken nodules that can't be popped) will ruin it all.  I've forgotten what happiness even FEELS like.  I feel extreme guilt every time I have a sexual thought (which is sadly pretty often) or jack it (because of course I am the epitome of anti-sexy for various reasons, to the point one might wonder why I am a borderline-germaphobe and somewhat of a clean-freak since it's all for naught anyways) and it's heartbreaking being paranoid every time I eat ANYTHING (especially things like pizza, one of my top favorite foods) wondering if I'll get another fucking nodule simply from eating something “bad,” or just the thought of going on some lengthy uber-restrictive "elimination diet" and not being able to consume alcohol cause it makes me break out on my face, wondering if the horrible debilitating side effects of accutane would be worth it (god it's like Ellen Burstyn's character in Requiem for a Dream being addicted to diet pills) feeling physical effects of sluggishness and extreme melancholy whenever I get a nodule, sometimes worse. Having to put pills down my fucking throat and down diluted lemon/ACV water (which is disgusting) and spoonfeed coconut oil (sometimes with painful “die-off” reactions that make me sick) and has turned me VERY reclusive. I have had times where the acne hurts so bad I couldn't even lift weights. This all barely even touches the SURFACE of what the hell it's like being me. Even body acne, it has ruined literally every facet of my life.

 

I've tried dermatologists but they are USELESS. In my experience, they are no different than any other doctor; only in it for the $$$ which is why they simply throw pills/creams at it expecting it to “work.” In fact, the last one I saw didn't even have the guts to see me directly; they had their useless excuse of a “nurse” do all the goddamn work. It's as useless as all those years I wasted in therapy.

 

I HATE YOU DAD for giving me this curse! I love you for being my father and I'm sad that you're dead but what you did by passing YOUR body acne on to me is UNFORGIVEABLE! I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS!!! You have passed your genetic curses onto me and cystic acne is the icing on the shit-cake! Couldn't you have, gee I dunno, at least TRIED curing your own shit so you have SOMETHING to pass onto me besides shitty skin and loserdom in so many ways? And my mom... why couldn't you have had higher standards for who you had your second kid with? Look, the rest of the shit in life I've been cursed with I could DEAL WITH somehow or another; being ugly, being near-retarded, being a borderline-midget, being weak, being socially awkward, having messed up hormones that fluctuate at the drop of a pin and even being called a Hobbit... see, none of that is a deal-breaker for wanting a career in acting, not really. But the acne, just, no. It destroyed me. Dad, I'm sorry I couldn't be the police officer you wanted me to be and mom I'm sorry I couldn't be your little fucking tool of a college boy desk jockey you depended on me to be. I'm sorry I got bit by the performance bug. I can't help it if I got bit by the acting/entertainment bug and want too much out of life; nobody can help what they want (ultimately) so I don't judge. This curse DID teach me though, how cruel and judgmental people are, how discouraging they are, how unforgiving this world is, and how much genetics really DO matter in the real world.

 

I think about dying A LOT. Literally every second of every day I think about how great it would be to finally die. At least I wouldn't be acne-prone anymore. I'd be FREE from this horrible world that's only getting worse. I wouldn't be looking at people shirtless wishing I could feel like I could be shirtless too. I wouldn't be mortified to talk to a girl I like because she wouldn't want anything to do with a poor, pizza-back, midget wannabe actor who's near 30, a virgin and still lives with his mom. I WOULD be suicidal, but I'm too much of a coward to actually go through with it because I can't do anything right to begin with. My dad died young of a genetic disease/stroke... maybe I'll die even younger. I sure hope so; the younger the better.

 

If you have debilitating acne and are thinking of having kids, I won't say “don't do it” but just think about what I posted... what a real-life genetic body acne sufferer goes through thanks to his father. That's the only silver lining for me, that I absolutely refuse to have children because I love them too much to even think of them suffering through this disease that most people can't be assed to find a cure for, much less even effectively treat. Bless your soul if you're one of the ones that work day and night trying to make things right for acne sufferers.

 

Sorry if I offended anyone and I know it's lengthy but thanks for reading.

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My heart sincerely goes out to you. It's such a struggle, a constant uphill battle!  If you want to try accutane you need to focus on developing a strong mental attitude as they will not let you touch it if they think you are depressed. 
I suffered with acne and so did my husband. One of my daughter's suffers from acne but the other one has normal skin. I do feel guilty that we passed this onto her but she is a beautiful, amazing, clever and talented young lady. I like to think we passed on those good traits or at least had something to do with developing them in her. We are also busting a gut trying to control her acne. She  is now on accutane. It gets worse at first but u have to be patient and believe it will work. All the best whatever you decide. Remember you are not alone. You are much more than your skin and are precious and  have something valuable to contribute to society. We all do. Yours is in entertainment maybe if that is your passion. Your acne will reduce as you age but in the meantime keep trying to treat/ cure it and distract yourself   while it's happening. You can find love and be happy and you will when the time is right.

Just wanted to reassure you that I am not offended in the least. It's really good that you can vent on this site. Keep talking and venting. I want you to know that we are all here for you and totally understand where you are coming from. :smileys_n_people_83:Take care.

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You sweet, dear man:

Just want to say: You are NOT "retarded" you are very eloquent and your post is truly heartbreaking. I say, Try Accutane! My story is posted here (look me up and you'll see it) I did it almost 30 years ago (Yes, I am old, but I do remember how horrible having acne was, believe me). 30 years ago- it was a very scary thing to go on Accutane- it was new, and the derm scared me to death. But I am very glad I did it.

My advise:
1. FOLLOW YOUR DREAM- always. You want to act? Act! Look up all the unconventional actors out there who made it. If that doesn't work out, do something in the industry.
2. LET GO of the anger towards Mom and Dad. The Universe allowed you to be born- not them- you are here and you belong here. Its your job to figure out where.
3. Go rent the Movie "the 40 year old virgin" and LAUGH. Laugh as much as you can, often, at anything you find funny. It is good for your soul.
4. "For every rotten sandal, there is a foot" very stupid saying- its supposed to be in Spanish- but the idea is, ANYONE can find a partner. Go to any public place- a mall works- and sit on one of the benches. Look at the couples walking by for a few hours. You will see old, ugly, fat, skinny, bald, hairy, you get the idea. Join an organization, club, volunteer, something that interests you and GO mingle with people. You will meet someone, I promise. Better yet, get a cute dog, and walk it often. Everyone will want to talk to you, trust me.
5. Don't restrict your diet to the point of depriving yourself. Eat healthy, but don't tress about particular food. Unless you are allergic, foods don't matter to much acne, in my experience.

Stay focused on your goals and never give up. There is always someone who has it better, and always someone who has it much worse.
Namaste.

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Thanks you guys for trying to cheer me up. I am just ready for this world to be annihilated and wiped out of existence. Besides that, acne is the top-off that ruined everything for me for the rest of my life. I just would at least like to clear a couple things up (pardon the pun :(

I just don't get how my (or any) parents don't get ANY accountability for genetically fucking me (or any other) up the way they did with acne and various other problems.  I don't mean to offend any parents out there, but they are the most over-defended group out there on the planet, and Mr. Carlin thought “child worship” was bad, holy hell could I go on as crazy a rant about “parent worship” (and “dog worship” too but that's besides the point.) Oh sure, let's bring him into a cruel, judgmental, unforgiving, unempathetic cesspool of a world (that'll hopefully be ending soon considering all the bad things happening that just won't stop, and god I can't wait for it to end) because of our own selfish desires, because "everyone else does it" and if they don't like it or can't hack it or are struggling with things that we passed onto him that have no cure, it's all HIS fault for not enjoying being a wage slave (blue or white collar, doesn't matter) and "wanting too much" or "being too stubborn” or (my favorite) “having a 'bad attitude!'”   To clarify, I don't think life has any “meaning” and don't get me wrong, I am not an atheist either. It's a spectrum of various shades; some people are meant for terrific things, some just aren't I suppose. I don't think the universe is “deep” putting every single person here for a divine “purpose” because as the great comedian Doug Stanhope put it “life isn't for everybody” and he's absolutely RIGHT. I have all kinds of shit wrong with me, acne-prone scarred skin included, shit I can't even fix no matter how hard I struggle with it year after useless year that proves this to me every single day. Life just isn't for me. Personally, I think if there is “fate” I think fate (even reincarnation if one believes in that kind of thing) is an imperfect thing that makes a lot of mistakes, which would explain people living with quiet desperation and broken dreams (my father was the epitome of this.)

 

Also, don't get it twisted that I'm “looking for love.” I'm not. If it happens (which considering, it probably won't) terrific and if not, that's just how the cards fall for some people so I won't be embittered about it. I'd rather die a lonely masturbation-dependent virgin than end up “settling” like my parents did for eachother or have sex out of desperation with someone I could care less about just to build up a “sex-experience resume” like I've had friends that did. Sorry to all the ladies out there. That's why I'm no longer angry at the women that coldly rejected me because I'm not “good enough,” I mean, I get it; I don't drink, much less enough to be considered “fun” and my genetics aren't of the ideal male out there and I'm dirt poor living at my moms to top it all off. I can see why women don't like me and I'm not mad. I don't get mad at shallow people or gold-diggers; instead I take the different route and try to understand them... they're really just victims of their own desires, hormones, standards etc. and I'm no better than them. I so desire to be an actor, or a singer for a band or at LEAST a standup comedian for a living that I'd rather die out of starvation in some gutter in LA pursuing one of them (or some sort of mix) than be miserable and live to 70+ doing some career I fucking despise like being a writer or accountant or blue collar worker living paycheck to paycheck just waiting for retirement to come (if retirement even exists anymore once I reach that age.) Maybe I AM stubborn and a dream-chaser that'll end up homeless on the streets and have a “bad attitude” but I am me, who else can I truly be but me? Whose to say James Dean would've been happier living to 90-something as an X-ray technician nobody knows or cares about than being one of the biggest movie stars of all time and biting the dust at 27?

 

I guess the point is, I don't fall for the same fairy tales everyone else does, which is ironic considering how big of a dreamer I am. It would be nice to find a cure for acne in this life (and not just the SUPER risky accutane,) not just for me, but for everyone else suffering, but it's like school and college; nobody much over the age of say 30 or so really cares about the countless problems with those hellholes because they don't have to deal with it and aren't directly affected by it. Same can be said about those that don't suffer from acne, especially if they aren't dreamers that don't desire to be models or actors and do everything they can to discourage them.

 

But again, I'm grateful that anybody even replied to this at all without being judgmental and offended.  Best of luck to you both.

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Have you ever talked about accutane,with a derm? If I felt it was "super risky" I would not have supported my daughter in taking it. All drugs carry risks of course, some rare, some more likely. It's a balancing act based on how bad your acne is and how you personally feel  about it.  I know all the accutane haters will say different, because they believe they have suffered  as a result of the drug and I am not denying  what they report in terms of side effects in any way. There are however very many more people that say it was a miracle drug for them and changed their lives. 

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I'm glad I took isotretinion it helped me significantly. I took it twice no problems. I do not believe that it causes depression. If I had a child with acne I would let them take it. I never believed that diet is the true cause of acne. I would not waste time and effort with restrictive diets. 

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