Hello folks,

I want to start by saying how much I appreciate this forum. I honestly dont think I would have lasted this long without the support and hard work from the members on this site. The support here is exceptional and the community is filled with good people.

I dont wish to sound dramatic (but considering the subject matter, it will be) however, I have suffered from depression for roughly 6yrs and feel that I have hit my boiling point. Ill nip it in the bud right now, I am not a good person and a lot of my issues do stem from my own mistakes.

I have a short fuse, which I blame on my violent upbringing. My father was abusive towards my mother when I was a kid. That violence often stemmed onto me, my younger brother and sister. My mother stuck out this behavior for years and only moved out with my sister and brother couple years back. I used to get annoyed at her when I was a kid for putting up with the violence, which spurred arguments between me and her. This, in turn, damaged my relationship with my sister and brother. I hope they love me even though they dont show it, but whenever I visit my mother and return home, I never get the feeling that I am missed or even thought about.

I decided to stay home with my father despite not liking him because I wanted to believe that people can change over time. The sad truth is they dont. Rather than saying sorry for what hes done, hes decided to take a spiritual approach. Sadly its not that spiritual because he never speaks about his behavior and condemns my mother in front of me and his friends. He talks about how my mother only cared about money and how shes a bad person.

But whatever, Im 24 now. I should be living on my own. I left University in year 2, which I failed on a course that I tried really hard to get onto. My social anxiety destroyed me and depression kicked in. I often sleep 8 13 hrs a day. Obviously, theres not much time to study when you sleep that much. I still sleep that much to this day when things get rough.

I am now seeking for a job. Any job. My lack of experience in the workplace is destroying me. I live in an old coal mining valley, which used to boom in business back in the 90s. Now its run down and empty. The only jobs here are retail, which everybody applies for. The only hope of getting a job is outside the place I live in, which requires a car. I have been getting interviews, which I am proud of and feel like I came off well. Sadly they just wont employ me.

My father at times tries to be supportive but is failing to pay the high mortgage we have. He keeps telling me on a weekly basis that we will be homeless if I dont get a job soon. This is fair enough. Like I said, I am 24. I should be paying some of the house bills. Honestly, I wish could but the little income I get isnt helping. Its getting a little better, but he often puts me down for not being useful and doesnt understand why I dont have a job yet. I have tried to explain my education isnt enough but the stress of almost being homeless month to month is overriding logic.

Still a violent man. Still, a man that I swore I wouldnt become. My worst crime, however, is having a short fuse with my ex-girlfriend. She was my first love and I was lucky to be with her. I was short with her and couldnt help with her bipolar issue. I didnt help and only made it worse. I wanted to be a social worker but after my lack of help and my behavior towards her, I swore I wouldnt get into that profession, despite being offered an interview for it. I am ashamed of my behavior towards her, rightfully so, I lost all my friends, as we were all connected.

The main problem with living in a small community is that I often come across these people. The people I used to go to school with, my ex-girlfriend and the friends I grew up with. All that I lost connection with, those who hate me and those who grew up and made something with their lives. Its a reminder that I havent done anything with myself.

I know Im still young but I dont know man, I have been such a social recluse I have given up on all social interaction now. I havent had a meaningful relationship after my ex-girlfriend for 6 to 7 yrs now. This all happened long times ago but the effects are still happening today.

I have severe scarring from cyst acne that cannot be helped. I visited my skin specialist in the UK, and she gave me tablets. They didnt help. It has taken 6months to get that visit and its going to take another 6 months for another. I have 6 cysts per month and they all indent. I am a vegan but they keep on coming. My face is poorly damaged heavily and it cannot be help at this point. I was told I am a very ugly person in public by a completely random person in front of my two friends while at University. I dropped out shortly after that.

Ugly skin for an ugly person. Its karma.

So, what do I want from you guys? Honestly? Nothing. I have made a pact with myself, if something doesnt improve in my life, Im ready to let go. I will give myself one year for improvement. Any improvement.

I love the comedy from Bill Hicks and listen to a lot of Terence McKenna. I believe that we are all condensed energy and reincarnation is real. Perhaps Im completely insane or its just me wishing for a better role of the dice.

Im just a terrible person and try and help people out. After my failed relationship I have helped few people out with their personal issues, which I am proud of. I know I can do well but with my skin condition and my baggage, I dont see a future. I am very much a peoples person and live stream on a gaming website to connect from my house. I obviously cannot do this forever but its the only thing that takes my mind from suicide. I sometimes visit my Nan whos in a nursing home; she suffers from dementia and doesnt have long left. It reminds me that things will only get worse the longer I live. My skin will sag and scars will show more and more. I just dont see any hope anymore.

Now I am just rambling. So Ill stop it here. Its been quite heavy so Ill end it with a question.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Edit: Feel free to close this. This was just for me to make things official by writing out my story and reading it over.