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Hi I'm new in the forum :)

I'm writing this 'cause I held these things inside for years and I need to talk about my problem with people who can understand me. 
I'm 19 years old. I started getting acne when I was 12/13, I think at 12 after getting my first periods.
At 14 I went to a dermatologist who prescribed me two creams to apply in the morning and at night. The creams worked out really well, my pimples almost disappeared but in the end they always came back, I always found myself at the point of return. So after some months I had to drop out the creams.
At 15 I started wearing makeup everyday even if I knew this was bad to my skin. I had to go to school everyday of course so I always needed to cover up all my pimples, I just couldn't stand them. I couldn't even afford to go to the dermatologist anymore so I tried to solve the problems buying products in shops.
I tried everything: natural products, lemon, toothbrush, face masks, tea tree oil, face detergents, tonics, lush sapons, drinking a lot of water, eating healty.
For 5 years I washed my face every morning and every night before going to bed, with the typical routine: face detergent for acne + tonic and eventually a bit of cream or tea tree oil.
(Keeping up with this routine every day for 5 years can be very hard and stressful)
Well I think you all know the story. Nothing really worked out for me. Yes, some products worked out in the beginning, for about 2/3 weeks, I was happy seeing my face clearing up and I thought "I finally got over it"... And then, of course, acne always came back, often worse than before. I just woke up with some news pimples and breakout like in a neverding circle and nothing could help me get rid of it.
I had periods where my acne was not really bad at all (even if I was never, never totally clean) and periods where my face was almost totally covered up in pimples and horrible scars full of blood from picking. (Sometimes I just woke up with scars even without picking and I don't know if this is normal)
At 17 I got a totally clean face for the first time ever and I stopped wearing make up. I think it lasted just a few weeks before getting acne again. Anyway, I decided to not wear make-up anymore 'cause I thought " if I don't wear it these pimples will go away more quickly, I don't want to make it worse again".
I was make-up free for about a year and half but acne never went away. I had some of the worst breakouts of my life in this period and I still was too afraid to cover it and totally ruin my face, so I always had everything in full show. (At 18 I went to a dermatologist again, but the medication never really worked out)
I reached the point where I couldn't take it anymore, so last summer I started wearing mineral foundation. It's the only make-up products that I apply on my face to cover up acne, but I'm still paranoid and afraid of smothering my skin too much, so I don't use it everyday.
Well now I'm 19. And I'm still stuck with the same acne that I had in middle school. (I had acne every single day through all my high school years.) I can't remember a day that I enjoyned without worring about my face. Yesterday I was out all day with friends and I worried about it all the time, because after putting thymus oil on my chin two days ago I got some scars that hurt really bad when I laugh/move my face.
I hate this. It just makes me feel so dirty, heavy and disgusting all the time, in every moment.
The fact is that I'm not one of these girls who thinks she's ugly. I always liked myself a lot and I love to dress up, to wear make up and alternative clothes 'cause I love that style and it makes me feel 100% confident and beautiful. But then there's my skin. The only thing I hate about myself. I look myself in the mirror and it doesn't matter if I love my hair, my face, my make-up and my clothes 'cause acne seems to ruin everything. 
I don't wear often things I like (gothic clothes, long skirts, black lipstick and other " crazy" stuff) 'cause the contrast with the pimples on my face is too bad. It's like I'm forced to tone down my style, it's like I can never be myself 100% and this is one of the worst effect that acne has on me. (I don't even wear earrings 'cause I'd have to pull out a bit my hair to show them, exposing too much the side of my face where I have more pimples)
I don't know, acne Feels like a curse to me, a nightmare that I have to carry upon my shoulders and that I can never get rid of.
I hate going out with the sunlight 'cause my pimples are in full show and I feel like my face is the most disgusting thing on earth. I don't feel comfortable walking in shops/rooms with brights lights. Last year I slept over at a friend's house for three days and it felt so bad to wake up and having breakfast with him and his family every morning with horrible breakouts all over my face. (I couldn't cover them with make up, they were too bad)
I also have acne on my shoulders and chest and that's why I stopped going to the beach in the summer. It just feels too uncomfortable, disgusting. I can't wear clothes that show my shoulders and chest like others girls do so summer for me is hell. 
A friend asked me if next summer I want to go on vacation with him and a group of friends. If it wasn't for my skin I would be happy to go and doing something so normal for a girl my age, but I just can't. It would be a living nightmare, sitting in a house with guys and girls in bikini with perfect normal skin and then me with my face, shoulders and chest full of pimples and scars or with my t-shirt always on.
I'm so tired of this, I just can't take it anymore. I'm afraid that this will never go away.
I don't understand why everyone I know that had acne grow out of it in a couple of years when mine is still here after 7 years.
I don't want to turn 25 with the same acne that I had at 13. I just wanna walk around with my friends and enjoy my time with them, I want to wear clothes that show my chest and shoulders, I want to go to the beach in the summer, to go to sleep when I'm tired without going through the same washing routine that I kept up for 5 years 'cause I'm too scared to wake up with new breakouts, I want to go everywhere I want and spend nights out without stressing out about wearing makeup and washing my face at certain times.
I just want to feel normal and free, I want this disgusting mess to go away. I don't understand why people don't speak out about acne the same way they do about weight problems, that makes more hard for us to find pshycologic support and to be taken serioursly. (Of course I'm not saying that weight problems aren't hard)
I can't talk to almost anyone about this, my family thinks that the only reason why I have acne or the reason why products don't work out is that "I squeeze pimples". (I wish it could be that easy) 
I only have one friend with the same problem and we used to talk about it, but her acne is not severe as mine anymore.
I just want to know that I'm not alone in this, that there are other people who feel bad everyday and can't enjoy their life to the fullest because of acne, other people who are afraid they will never grow out of it.
Sorry for the long post but I really needed to talk about this.

Edited by Veronica7

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