I have been feeling pretty alright about my face lately, until last night after I washed the makeup off of my face. My entire forehead, chin and sides of my cheeks were red, and covered with countless bumps. I looked so ugly. So. Ugly. I went to bed thinking that it would get better, but of course it did not. I woke up with a few more cysts on my chin.
I did some research on accutane this morning, only to get more depressed. I am so scared of the side effects, and I've already been through so much in search for a cure. I was sent to the ER twice last year due to allergy to benzoyl peroxide. I did so many painful facials. I've been on birth control for almost 3 years, had it work for one year only. I'm on Chinese herbal medicine, birth control, a very strict diet, but I still get A LOT OF painful, cystic breakouts every week. My face looks disgusting. I feel so helpless.
Anyway, I thought I should not stay at home all day and sink. I should go out and enjoy this Saturday. Out I went to a movie theatre with a housemate. I met a lady at the mall, whom I did not know at all. She was the cashier of this food stand. After I paid for my food she said, you should do something to your face. You should use cucumber water on your face.
I was so embarrassed and angry that I did not say a word. I just stood there and looked at her. I just wanted to fade into nothingness. I did not want to be seen at all. I was humiliated.
And at that moment, I decided to go on accutane. I had enough. I've heard enough people telling me what I was doing wrong, what I should try, that I was not taking care of my body, that I was not washing my face properly. SCREW. YOU. I treat my body like a temple and see what I got? A face full of pimples that I can do nothing about. This is not even my fault, and YET I am held responsible for it.

This is not fair. I have no idea why this would happen to me. When my housemates are enjoying nice food and each others' company, I'm staying in my room and type down my blood-drenched feelings - that's right, I don't even have the luxury to eat my feelings because that would only give me more breakouts, theoretically. I don't even know what the cause is. "I've been doing everything in my power to look normal. And now my last choice is this insane drug with no promise to cure." I cried in the phone to my mom just now. I felt powerless. Acne, you won.

I've made up my mind to call a derm on Monday when the office is open. I'll ask for one course of accutane. I cannot live with acne knowing that there's a potential cure that could probably end my misery. I want to try it.
Hugs for you all you read to the end. I believe that you are here because you have, or had acne. Keep fighting through this life.