The following is something I wrote a few years ago almost to the day (found an old file I decided to keep). Ive come a long way since, but it will always be a part of me. Just note that I do not condone the message, just wanted to share. ***I made minor tweaks in order for the writing to flow better

BE WARNED; it is depressing.

What Dreams May Be (if scarring permeates within)

I was always a sickly child. But growing up, I always wanted to be a baseball player. I was really good at it, so I wanted to stick with it. But as I became a teen priorities changed. I became a skater. At 16 life was decent, even with all my health issues. I had friends, had a social life, flirted with girls who flirted back, etc. Then, in a matter of weeks, my once sporadic acne completely enveloped my skin; covering my face, neck, head, back, and chest. How can one fully capture such an otherworldly, painful, tragicmonumental ordeal into words? You cant. Describing with words seems oddly incompatible. Well this event paved the way for years of misery and isolation that would last way too long, injecting a level of permanent defeatism in me. I lived life so utterly detached from reality that I was a floating ghost amongst people, and I wanted towait for itdie (many times over).

Over the years Ive been told that I need to stop mad-dogging everyone and be more personable. I know that my face has warped into someone else I dont like. But its how I look now, even if Im not mad I just look pissed off. This change in my face has made things 10Xs harder for me since everyone just avoids me, and even take measurable steps to do so. I feel like a voided existence.

Going through the motions, I did what I felt was the absolute best I can do under these circumstances. Ive been told by family and friends former coworkers that Im squandering (or squandered) my potential, but Im doing the best that I can with what Ive been handed in life. Does it irk me that I wasted whatever potential I may have had?? Yes, but what can you do? Its life. I had BIG dreams of doing great things, and I felt very capable at one point in time. But alas, Ive come to accept my lot in life as someone who will avoid any chance at the spotlight. I avoid all social media. I cook for myself (havent stepped foot inside an eatery in years), and basically do everything for myself and by myself. I go out plenty, just not in social scenes. I go to parks, go on hikes, go anywhere outside where theres little interaction. I also go to dog parks and pretend Im on the phone whenever someone starts coming towards me (so as to avoid face-to-face contact). Ive even scared dogs for Christs sake

Ive cracked many times, cried, went stir-crazy, fell into deep despair, had suicidal thoughts, etc. (Yes I got help but very short-term and inconsistent). Thought about death day after day so many times throughout the years. I prayed for forgiveness. I prayed for any sign, but after a while I realized it was silly. Yet I make efforts to get better all the time. Its just after so many years, hope keeps diminishing and I no longer have that spry focus I once prided myself on. I began my journey with a great attitude and an unbreakable spirit. Now Im just picking up the pieces and gluing whatever I have left back together.

I realize that I can still do something good, just in different ways from what Ive originally imagined for my life. My dreams have altered, but they still exist. I still have dreams of doing good. Yeah, its been quite the challenging life, a life I wouldnt wish upon any soul. How can I? Its pure madness. Irreversible damage. The fact that this level of pain exists iswell, words only desecrate the reality of it.

Not looking for your pity so please save it, bc I know most of you feel or have felt similarly in many ways. Social etiquette is for the faint-of-heart, and that compels you to offer consolation right? Well when you get to a point of no return, theres nothing more to be said. The walking dead do exist.