Hi, my name is Jennifer and I suffer from body dysmorphic disorder or BDD. Most people have never heard of BDD but surprisingly it's not as uncommon as one might think. In fact, it's estimated that between 1-2% of the population suffers from it. BDD affects both men and women equally. What is it exactly? Keep reading and I'll tell you about it and my experience with it.
So everyone has heard of anorexia and BDD is very similar to anorexia. Basically, the sufferer has a preoccupation with an imaginary or very minor defect in their appearance. This preoccupation turns into an obsession leading the sufferer to become depressed, anxious and even suicidal. Here's my story.
I don't know exactly when I first started suffering from BDD but it was around the time I started getting acne. Acne is my trigger. Not all acne- just facial acne. It's my nightmare. It's what I fear more then anything else in this world.
I can still remember my first pimple. I was in the 6th grade and only 13 years old. That pimple was huge, red and ugly. I needed it gone FAST! I remember my science teacher and fellow students teasing me about it. I felt so ugly and ashamed. Teasing and bullying became a constant struggle in middle school and high school for me. Despite being teased at school, I had a great family life. Most people would say I've been blessed. I've got the most amazing, loving parents a girl could ask for and two great brothers. It seems like a wonderful life and I wish I could say I've had the perfect life but BDD has caused me to miss out on so many things I wish I could have done.
In high school, I started to become obsessed with the acne on my face. My parents took me to many dermatologists. I tried pills and creams in hopes that my skin would clear. It did clear up for a few years thanks to the antibiotics and I was happy, thriving and confident. Eventually, the antibiotics stopped working though and the evil acne returned my senior year of high school. Due to being so ugly and deformed (all in my mind of course)my senior year, I decided to forgo everything I loved doing as a punishment to myself. I quit chorus, color guard and I even denied myself the pleasure of experiencing prom. I was able to graduate high school with honors but it was no easy feat. BDD was taking over my mind and body. Slowly I was becoming more depressed, obsessed with my acne and anxious. I didn't know that I was suffering from BDD at this point, I only knew what I sawin the mirror! What I saw was a distorted image. I saw horrific severe acne all over my face even though I was only suffering from mild acne.
After high school, I was to embarrassed of my skin to keep in touch with old friends. But I did decide to enroll in my local community college and work full time. About this time is when my BDD really began to effect me. I would spend countless hours a day staring in the mirror at my shattered reflection. I would look in any and all mirrors I could find. In fact, I carried a compact mirror at all times. My every thought was about the acne on my face. I literally couldn't go a minute without thinking about my skin. Not only was it affecting me when I was awake but it was also affecting me while I was sleeping. I would dream about acne.My acne was ruining my life! About a year after starting college, I began to abuse myself because of my acne. I would bite myself. I would also hit my forehead so hard that it would leave bruises and marks all over it. I hated being me. I wanted to die. My life was unbearable. My only thoughts resolved around acne. I was miserable, angry and I would snap at anyone and over anything. No one understood the turmoil I was going through. Everyone thought I was crazy and vain.My grades in college began to suffer and I had a bad attitude at work. There were many days that I couldn't even get out of bed because I couldn't bear to walk outside to have the world stare at me. Eventually, my BDD became so severe that I quit going to school and work. I couldn't do it anymore. It was to much for me to handle. I would cry just thinking about looking in the mirror to get ready for work or school. My whole body would shake uncontrollably thinking about what I might see when I look in the mirror. I was having panic attacks and anxiety all hours that I was awake.My parents realized that I was really suffering and my dad decided to quit his job to help me get better.
After quitting school and work, I nose dived into the deepest, darkest depression probably possible. I would go a week without showering or stepping foot outside. I stopped living. My parents had to forceme to eat. I had no appetite from the depression and anxiety and I was down to under 100 pounds (I'm 5'5).I started depriving myself from the foods I loved in fear that they would make my skin worse. I had no friends, no life and I was withering away. My parents didn't understand what was wrong with their daughter. No one understood. Everyone kept telling me- you're beautiful, your acne isn't bad, you're just being vain and you don't have to be perfect. I didn't believe them. I knew they were lying to me because every time I looked in the mirror I saw the monster I was! I was anything but vain. I've never felt the need to achieve perfection. I've only ever wanted to feel and be normal like everyone else. My obsession with mirrors got so bad that I was spending 6 + hours a day staring at my reflection. I would come out crying and hitting myself. My parents got so frustrated and they didn't know what to do so they took out all of the mirrors in the entire house.
My dad started taking me to see a psychologist and sociologist. I went on medication for depression. I believe we went once or twice a week for a few months and neither Doctor was helping me get better. They kept telling me my skin wasn't bad but I honestly believed then were just being nice. I don't know how both doctors missed my diagnosis and mental disorder but believe it or not, neither one of them told me I was suffering from BDD. Aside from seeking help from a psychologist and sociologist, I was also visiting multiple dermatologists weekly. I went to many dermatologists begging for them to let me go on Accutane (a strong pill for severe acne). Each time I was denied because my acne wasn't severe enough.
Eventually, my dad and I gave up on the sociologist and psychologist because it wasn't helping anyway. He would force me do things like chores and also go to the grocery store. We would also go to local parks to talk and get fresh air. One Tuesday afternoon around 1 pm, I reluctantly agreed to go to a new park with my Dad. The day started off as any other day, I was crying and I hated myself. I remember I found a large stick while walking at the park and I started beating my arms with it. This was a regular thing I would do. It was a form of punishment for being ugly and having ugly skin.I was honestly that far gone! I cried and my dad hugged me. The next thing I remember is seeing an airplane flying right above us. It caught my eye because of the noise and how close it was to us. We looked into the sky and the pilot was spelling something. When he was finally done it said, God loves you! I will never forget that moment. I started whaling. I knew that God was trying to reach out to me. I knew he didn't want me to suffer anymore and I knew that message was meant for me. That day, I went home with a different mindset. I decided I must defeat the acne. I decided I am not going to let it control my happiness and my life anymore. I tried my hardest to be happy and it was a real struggle. I started to have better days. I was able to go 15-30 minutes without thinking about my acne. That was huge for me. Of course there were set backs, crying and angry thoughts. After about six months, I did finally get well enough to resume working. My dad also went back to work. I was finally living again. I wasn't happy with my skin but I was doing better controlling my thoughts and I was spending less time in the mirror and less time obsessing over my skin.
Fast forward to 2016, and I'm now 33 years old! I am still dealing with mild acne and BDD. I'm able to go years now without BDD affecting me like it has in the past. But unfortunately, BDD has come back a few times. I just got over a bout of it and it lasted for about 2 months. I think this is something I will live with for the rest of my life. Luckily, now I know that I suffer from a mental illness and my acne isn't as severe as how I see it. Each time my BDD resurfaces it gets a little easier to deal with and it doesn't last as long. I am proud to say I stopped abusing myself physically. I finished my AA degree and I have been able to hold jobs for long periods of time. Even when BDD is suppressed and I'm not suffering from it, it still affects my life daily. For instance, I am very OCD about my skin care routine, sharing towels and sharing pillows. I must follow a strict regime or else I fear my skin will break out. I must wash my face every 12 hours no matter what. If I'm not able to stick to this rule, I get very anxious and have panic attacks until I can get home to wash my skin. I only sleep on my back. My face is never allowed to touch a pillow. If my face is resting on a pillow while sleeping, subconsciously Iwake up and resume sleeping on my back.
My life is in no way easy but I'm managing and I'm living pretty normally despite having BDD. I'm a happy person for the most part. I think I'm beautiful and I have finally learned to love and accept myself- flaws and all! This is my story, thanks for taking the time to read it.
I hope that my story will help other people out there who suffer from BDD or acne dysmorphia. You are not alone. Please seek help. I wasted years and years of my life dealingwith this disorder.
Thank you so much for having the courage to share your story. I am so touched by it because I have believed for some time now that I also have BDD. I share so many of the same experiences that you have written about. I have suffered with acne for 15 years and like you my trigger is facial acne. When I break out, I go into a depression and have severe anxiety. Not many people know what's going on for me because I am so embarrassed and ashamed to even admit my feelings. I just want clear skin so badly, I don't even want perfection, just managable skin.I want confidence and I'm so sick of acne literally running my life. It's so exhausting.
Thanks for sharing your very frank and personal story of your struggle with our community. Your story just proves how important it is to look for those God moments when we've hit rock bottom. They're there, if we look for them. Rainbows especially are wonderful reminders that God loves us! When I'm feeling down or defeated, all I have to do is think of Philippians 4 "I have strength for everything through him who empowers me." Gets me through my dark moments. Anyway, so glad things are better and you're enjoying life again! 
Wow. I really appreciate you for sharing this. I'm so glad you were able to pull yourself out of that dark place.
I wish I had read something like this when I had persistent acne...
Even after clearing my skin, I was still left with permanent scarring that affected my confidence. To others it probably wasn't as noticeable, but to me it was impossible to hide. It wasn't until I started learning about developing self-compassion that I was truly able to realize how much of a hold my mind was having over my reality.
For anyone curious, this was the book, http://www.amazon.com/Self-Esteem-Cognitive-Techniques-Assessing-Maintaining/dp/1572241985
Thank you so much for sharing so openly something so personal. I hope others can benefit from your story.
Dear scarredandsad34, I promise your scar is not as noticeable as you perceive it to be! I bet most people don't even notice it. To be honest, most people are so tuned in to their own lives and problems that they don't notice something that someone else is dealing with. As much as you hate that scar on your forehead, you should try to embrace it! It makes you you! It makes you unique! We all have "flaws" and things we wish we could change about ourselves. No one is perfect! The sooner you learn to love and accept yourself the sooner that the scar will be a distant memory. I don't know what kind of accident caused it but thank goodness you only have a scar. Be thankful you're not paralyzed or even worse be thankful you survived your accident. I wish you all the best. If it really bothers you that much go see a dermatologist and see if they can help you reduce the size/color! Good luck!
On February 18, 2016 at 5:28 PM, jenguard82 said:Dear scarredandsad34, I promise your scar is not as noticeable as you perceive it to be! I bet most people don't even notice it. To be honest, most people are so tuned in to their own lives and problems that they don't notice something that someone else is dealing with. As much as you hate that scar on your forehead, you should try to embrace it! It makes you you! It makes you unique! We all have "flaws" and things we wish we could change about ourselves. No one is perfect! The sooner you learn to love and accept yourself the sooner that the scar will be a distant memory. I don't know what kind of accident caused it but thank goodness you only have a scar. Be thankful you're not paralyzed or even worse be thankful you survived your accident. I wish you all the best. If it really bothers you that much go see a dermatologist and see if they can help you reduce the size/color! Good luck!
I appreciate that your kind words, but my scar really is a prominent feature on my face. It really can't be missed. To be honest, I am not thankful to be alive. Not to live suffering like this. My quality of life will be diminished forever. I have BDD but WORSE because my defect is real and extremely noticeable 
so imagine having your disease, but with a flaw that is extremely noticeable that people stare and comment on. I used to be beautiful, confident, and happy. Now I cry every time I look in the mirror. I rarely leave my house and only with a hat on. So no, I didn't lose my body in the accident. But I lost my forehead. Life as I know it, as an American woman, is destroyed. I will never be pretty again. I no longer fit into this image obsessed society.
As far as treatments go, I already had one scar revision surgery and it failed. I don't know if anything else can be done, but I refuse to give up.
Scarred,
I know in your mind your scar is horrendous but I'm just being honest when I say it's not bad at all. As a BDD sufferer I know what I say means nothing to you and all you can focus on is the scar however, you're going to have to try to focus on other things. Take a few steps back from the mirror and look at yourself. Make sure you look at your whole self and not just the scar. What do you see? You should see the beautiful person that you were but most importantly you'll see the beautiful person you still are! You're still beautiful and you're still the same person before the accident. That scar doesn't change you. It doesn't make you any less appealing or beautiful. The only thing that has changed is your confidence and the way you perceive yourself! It's up to you to change how you feel. I know it's hard. I struggle with confidence every day. I've been dealing with BDD for more then half my life and I'm 33 now. You can do it! Life will be good again if you change your thinking. Stop focusing on that scar and focus on all of the things you like about yourself. Look in the mirror and repeat over and over, "I am beautiful and this scar doesn't define me." Say it 20 times and when you say it mean it. You can get over how you feel about this scar but it starts with you.
Look- it sounds like we are in a similar boat. I'm 5'5, 122 pounds, blonde, blue eyes. I'm what most people would consider beautiful but I have let my BDD hold me back my whole life. I say my BDD because I only deal with mild mild acne. So in reality, it's not my acne just like it's not your scar. No one notices my acne. I haven't had someone say something to me ever! I guarantee you most people won't see your scar and if they do it's probably because you're pointing it out to them. Try coming up with an affirmation and as stupid as the mirror thing sounds I encourage you to do it. It's helped me wonders. You're so much more then that scar. Look at your whole self. I would also stop trying to fix the scar but instead I would focus on healing within. What would happen if something worse happened to you? You (generally speaking- not pointing fingers at you) need to be able to handle anything that life throws at you. What if you got flesh eating disease and lost a limb? What if you became homeless? What if you got cancer and lost your hair? My point is, it's not what happens to us, it's how we deal with it and how we let it affect us.
Wishing you you all the best!
PS there is a beautiful
actress (I forget her name) but she was in the movie Mean Girls. Look her up.... She's got blonde hair. I forget her name in the movie also. She's for a scar on her forehead. Do you think people care? Watch a movie with her in it and tell me if you can honestly see her scar? Don't get up close to the tv and only star at her forehead either! Be reasonable when you're looking for it! I promise you- no one cares about your scar. You should stop
caring so much also. OK let me know what you think about this actress's forehead scar!
On 2/19/2016 at 5:36 PM, scarredandsad34 said:I appreciate that your kind words, but my scar really is a prominent feature on my face. It really can't be missed. To be honest, I am not thankful to be alive. Not to live suffering like this. My quality of life will be diminished forever. I have BDD but WORSE because my defect is real and extremely noticeable
As far as treatments go, I already had one scar revision surgery and it failed. I don't know if anything else can be done, but I refuse to give up. I'll die trying to fix this.
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I can assrure you and promise you that your scar is normal. I see people daily with scars - i think everyone in the world has one. Please, please try to overcome this. Bdd is a horrible thing and I suffer immensly as well, but if that's all you have to worry about you really shouldn't! I can promise you with 100% certainty that no-one will ever judge you on that scar - i'd trade places with you in a heartbeat 
On February 19, 2016 at 7:12 AM, Lore91 said:I can assrure you and promise you that your scar is normal. I see people daily with scars - i think everyone in the world has one. Please, please try to overcome this. Bdd is a horrible thing and I suffer immensly as well, but if that's all you have to worry about you really shouldn't! I can promise you with 100% certainty that no-one will ever judge you on that scar - i'd trade places with you in a heartbeat
Ever since my accident, I study people's faces. Of the thousands of faces that Ive seen, I rarely see anything as severe and obvious as my scar. Yeah I see the occasional blemish or mole or wrinkles. But this is so much worse.
It's funny, because I'd trade this in for a little bit of acne in a heartbeat
On February 19, 2016 at 4:14 AM, jenguard82 said:Scarred,
I know in your mind your scar is horrendous but I'm just being honest when I say it's not bad at all. As a BDD sufferer I know what I say means nothing to you and all you can focus on is the scar however, you're going to have to try to focus on other things. Take a few steps back from the mirror and look at yourself. Make sure you look at your whole self and not just the scar. What do you see? You should see the beautiful person that you were but most importantly you'll see the beautiful person you still are! You're still beautiful and you're still the same person before the accident. That scar doesn't change you. It doesn't make you any less appealing or beautiful. The only thing that has changed is your confidence and the way you perceive yourself! It's up to you to change how you feel. I know it's hard. I struggle with confidence every day. I've been dealing with BDD for more then half my life and I'm 33 now. You can do it! Life will be good again if you change your thinking. Stop focusing on that scar and focus on all of the things you like about yourself. Look in the mirror and repeat over and over, "I am beautiful and this scar doesn't define me." Say it 20 times and when you say it mean it. You can get over how you feel about this scar but it starts with you.
Look- it sounds like we are in a similar boat. I'm 5'5, 122 pounds, blonde, blue eyes. I'm what most people would consider beautiful but I have let my BDD hold me back my whole life. I say my BDD because I only deal with mild mild acne. So in reality, it's not my acne just like it's not your scar. No one notices my acne. I haven't had someone say something to me ever! I guarantee you most people won't see your scar and if they do it's probably because you're pointing it out to them. Try coming up with an affirmation and as stupid as the mirror thing sounds I encourage you to do it. It's helped me wonders. You're so much more then that scar. Look at your whole self. I would also stop trying to fix the scar but instead I would focus on healing within. What would happen if something worse happened to you? You (generally speaking- not pointing fingers at you) need to be able to handle anything that life throws at you. What if you got flesh eating disease and lost a limb? What if you became homeless? What if you got cancer and lost your hair? My point is, it's not what happens to us, it's how we deal with it and how we let it affect us.
Wishing you you all the best!
PS there is a beautiful
actress (I forget her name) but she was in the movie Mean Girls. Look her up.... She's got blonde hair. I forget her name in the movie also. She's for a scar on her forehead. Do you think people care? Watch a movie with her in it and tell me if you can honestly see her scar? Don't get up close to the tv and only star at her forehead either! Be reasonable when you're looking for it! I promise you- no one cares about your scar. You should stop
caring so much also. OK let me know what you think about this actress's forehead scar!
I can't see a scar on any of the mean girls' foreheads. So it might be extremely minimal. Let me be clear: I'm not looking for perfection. If I had something that minimal, I could live with it. But my scar is disfiguring. It looks much worse in person. It's bad in all lighting, but In overhead lighting it makes me want to die. It is the first thing people notice about my face. It has ruined my life. Yes, it could always be worse. I could have lost a limb, gotten paralyzed, etc. but it could always be better too!
also, I have no history of bdd prior to this. I was extremely confident and loved the way I looked. And I wasn't perfect.
What would happen if you went for a day without deciding to care about your scar? What would change?
I caused myself SO much anxiety over my acne scars (of which there are many shallow ones and a few deeper ones) that I seriously hindered any personal growth over a period of my life.
Truth was, no one cared. NO ONE CARED because people all have their own internal dialogues and insecurities running all the time too. Why would they bother to worry about my acne scars and think less of me for them? I now work at a school where I see kids with terrible acne and scars from it, but do I think any less of them? No. It's really their actions and personality that stick with people. You can look great but if you're a boring jerk then perfect skin doesn't count for anything.
Don't compare yourself to others. You'll only find what you want to find, and it sounds like you want to feel bad about yourself. There are always going to be people who have more "perfect" skin and those that have more scars and whatnot. This si partly why I deactivated my FB and I don't miss the whole comparing "game" it creates.
I finally gushed about my acne scarring in a fit of tears to my boyfriend at the time, who thoughtfully said something like:
"It doesn't matter nearly as much as you think. You're beautiful, and scars show that you have been through something and overcome it. They make you who you are. You are more beautiful with them, and you don't need to spend your precious time worrying about something so insignificant when you have a greater purpose."
Okay so that was pretty gratifying to hear, and it was a kick-in-the-pants I needed to stop being petty with my time and say "f**k it, I have scars but oh well I can still go out and be an extraordinary human being."
Perhaps the most practical thing you could do, if you absolutely have to get it fixed, is set a plan for covering the cost/budgeting the procedure. Perhaps putting a bunch of money away every month will help you come to terms with this scar on a more practical level. Commit to paying for the full cost, and leave the worrying because worrying doesn't help you at all.
I wish you all the best and if it were me, I would keep it and say I got it in a knife fight with 6 ninjas. 😉
On February 27, 2016 at 7:00 PM, Luna878 said:What would happen if you went for a day without deciding to care about your scar? What would change?
I caused myself SO much anxiety over my acne scars (of which there are many shallow ones and a few deeper ones) that I seriously hindered any personal growth over a period of my life.
Truth was, no one cared. NO ONE CARED because people all have their own internal dialogues and insecurities running all the time too. Why would they bother to worry about my acne scars and think less of me for them? I now work at a school where I see kids with terrible acne and scars from it, but do I think any less of them? No. It's really their actions and personality that stick with people. You can look great but if you're a boring jerk then perfect skin doesn't count for anything.
Don't compare yourself to others. You'll only find what you want to find, and it sounds like you want to feel bad about yourself. There are always going to be people who have more "perfect" skin and those that have more scars and whatnot. This si partly why I deactivated my FB and I don't miss the whole comparing "game" it creates.
I finally gushed about my acne scarring in a fit of tears to my boyfriend at the time, who thoughtfully said something like:
"It doesn't matter nearly as much as you think. You're beautiful, and scars show that you have been through something and overcome it. They make you who you are. You are more beautiful with them, and you don't need to spend your precious time worrying about something so insignificant when you have a greater purpose."
Okay so that was pretty gratifying to hear, and it was a kick-in-the-pants I needed to stop being petty with my time and say "f**k it, I have scars but oh well I can still go out and be an extraordinary human being."
Perhaps the most practical thing you could do, if you absolutely have to get it fixed, is set a plan for covering the cost/budgeting the procedure. Perhaps putting a bunch of money away every month will help you come to terms with this scar on a more practical level. Commit to paying for the full cost, and leave the worrying because worrying doesn't help you at all.
I wish you all the best and if it were me, I would keep it and say I got it in a knife fight with 6 ninjas.
If no one else cares about my scar then why do people stare and ask me about it? I have to walk around for the rest of my life wearing a tragic story on my face for the whole world to see and it blows!
Money to fix the scar is not an issue. But I have already spent thousands of dollars on treatments that have not worked. I have run out of options.
On 2/27/2016 at 7:15 PM, scarredandsad34 said:If no one else cares about my scar then why do people stare and ask me about it? I have to walk around for the rest of my life wearing a tragic story on my face for the whole world to see and it blows!Money to fix the scar is not an issue. But I have already spent thousands of dollars on treatments that have not worked. I have run out of options.
i feel sorry for you. you have severe BDD
Hi I agree with you BDD is terrible but you can love yourself. I used to obsess so much over my issues( acne, anorexia and other issues like just hating myself) but I just don't care anymore what anybody thinks except my family...and they love me. Don't worry if people judge you cause some will judge you even if you're perfect!
On 2/28/2016 at 11:15 AM, scarredandsad34 said:If no one else cares about my scar then why do people stare and ask me about it? I have to walk around for the rest of my life wearing a tragic story on my face for the whole world to see and it blows!
Money to fix the scar is not an issue. But I have already spent thousands of dollars on treatments that have not worked. I have run out of options.
People are just stupid jerks. So many have to comment on the obvious like oh what's that scar" or " your skin is terrible" or " you've gained weight". Screw them...tell them didn't your mom tell you if you can't say something nice keep your mouth shut? Don't allow others to control you.
On 2/20/2016 at 12:15 AM, scarredandsad34 said:Ever since my accident, I study people's faces. Of the thousands of faces that Ive seen, I rarely see anything as severe and obvious as my scar. Yeah I see the occasional blemish or mole or wrinkles. But this is so much worse.
It's funny, because I'd trade this in for a little bit of acne in a heartbeat
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I have a scar from when I fell out of bed years ago. It's very slight and every year it gets more faded. Your scar will likely fade further with age.