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Here I am, awake at 2am in bed because I can't sleep, I just need to kind of get it out.

I'm terrified about my life, and I don't know what to do..

i've suffered with acne since I was 15/16, and I'm 24 now. It got really bad and effected me emotionally very, very severely. I became a recluse, contemplated suicide, never left the house, even wrote a suicide note.

Last year I went on accutane for my acne and seb derm - and it cleared them both. I had great skin for a while and got my life back on track.

I was working, got myself into a relationship, was very social, studied and took class, and was ultimately happy. I eventually got offered a very very good job, and a dream job of mine, in Japan which I undoubtedly accepted.

However my acne and seb derm have come back. Every day it is getting worse. I leave for Japan in two weeks, and I'm scared. I'm becomig reclusive again and I don't want to go. I'm feeling low.

I just am so terrified that my life is falling apart again. I can't let it. I'm going to move to Japan.. But I'm so scared that emotionally i'm just going to fail and fall into a severe spiral of self-hatred because of my bad skin. I hate myself, I don't want to leave the house, I suffer from major anxiety - all because of the state of my skin. 

I just can't cope with it.. It's ruining my life. Just when I thought I had gotten past it and was moving on with my life, it all comes back. It's not fair ... No-one else in my family suffers from acne aside from my brother, who also went on accutane and has had clear skin since (he doesnt even wash his face).

I'm scared this will be with me for life, or by the time it goes I would have wasted all of my opportunities. I want to cancel this job in japan but then I know I'd miss a massive opportunty and just become a recluse here again - but I know if my skin continues to deteriorate in japan that I just won't cope, especially being on my own, and likely will fall into a very severe depression again.

Sorry I just need to get it out that I'm scared... Don't really know what I want out of this topic haha . Hopefully I'll sleep tonight

Edited by Lore91

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Your life is going so well! Congrats on getting your dream job. I'm happy for you. Just think about how fortunate you are. Positive thoughts will ward off the worries. My skin takes a dive every now and then and I feel terrible, but I've learned that over time those dives become less and less severe. It's gotten to the point where a breakout doesn't bother me anymore because I know my skin is better off now then it was last year. I bet your skin will improve, but don't let your skin affect your wonderful life if it doesn't. Good luck with everything! :)

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Thank you Jodo! I know I'm so fortunate right now, but I just find it so hard to see past the skin.. Especially when its breakouts every day.

this morning I woke up and realized some breakouts had gone - woohoo! Until I noticed the three fresh new ones... Sigh.

i think whats so hard is I know how much this has effected me in the past, and I just know that if I had a severe breakout again or my skin lost control entirely that I wouldn'tbe able to cope..

but your kind words really mean a lot, and I appeciate them so much! I was considering making a blog while I'm out there on skin/my emotions

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17 hours ago, Lore91 said:

Here I am, awake at 2am in bed because I can't sleep, I just need to kind of get it out.

I'm terrified about my life, and I don't know what to do..

i've suffered with acne since I was 15/16, and I'm 24 now. It got really bad and effected me emotionally very, very severely. I became a recluse, contemplated suicide, never left the house, even wrote a suicide note.

Last year I went on accutane for my acne and seb derm - and it cleared them both. I had great skin for a while and got my life back on track.

I was working, got myself into a relationship, was very social, studied and took class, and was ultimately happy. I eventually got offered a very very good job, and a dream job of mine, in Japan which I undoubtedly accepted.

However my acne and seb derm have come back. Every day it is getting worse. I leave for Japan in two weeks, and I'm scared. I'm becomig reclusive again and I don't want to go. I'm feeling low.

I just am so terrified that my life is falling apart again. I can't let it. I'm going to move to Japan.. But I'm so scared that emotionally i'm just going to fail and fall into a severe spiral of self-hatred because of my bad skin. I hate myself, I don't want to leave the house, I suffer from major anxiety - all because of the state of my skin. 

I just can't cope with it.. It's ruining my life. Just when I thought I had gotten past it and was moving on with my life, it all comes back. It's not fair ... No-one else in my family suffers from acne aside from my brother, who also went on accutane and has had clear skin since (he doesnt even wash his face).

I'm scared this will be with me for life, or by the time it goes I would have wasted all of my opportunities. I want to cancel this job in japan but then I know I'd miss a massive opportunty and just become a recluse here again - but I know if my skin continues to deteriorate in japan that I just won't cope, especially being on my own, and likely will fall into a very severe depression again.

Sorry I just need to get it out that I'm scared... Don't really know what I want out of this topic haha . Hopefully I'll sleep tonight

Sorry to hear your skin's breaking out again. I know how you feel about being scared. I also am getting anxious at the moment about work. I was temporarily working part time (only 20hrs a week) for the past year. It was great but now i'm forced to go back to my full time hours. I'm getting really worried about it cos its more time away from the comfort of my home and out in public stressing about my skin.
Like you i get really depressed and suicidal when my skin's bad. I go through a week occasionaly when my skin is showing improvement and start allowing myself some feelings of hope and happiness. But it always gets bad again. Its so unfair that acne can spoil our happiness and our lives :(
Are you able to go back on accutane again? Maybe visit your dermatologist before you leave for Japan. Thats a big change moving to another country and starting a new job - i think you are very brave. I'm sure most people would be nervous/scared. Maybe the stress of your move is also contributing to the breakouts and they will settle down?? Who knows what the future will bring. Maybe the food/lifestyle in japan will really suit you and improve your skin?  You can only give it a try. Good luck.

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Thank you very much!

unfortunately no derm will prescribe accutane without seeing my skin monthly, and it's not prescribed in japan...

thats how im feeling.. All of these hours without the comfort of my own home .. Ugh i just hate it, it's not fair how it ruins everything.. I just dont want to fall into depression again and ruin my life..

but maybe hey it might work out... I hope so ... Perhaps this is stress, but i'm only stressed about my skin really! :( ugh.. Im so worried

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Sharing your pain with the "feeling scared." My son's skin is slipping dangerously out of control (following a 3-month hiatus from treatment, wish we never stopped!) and have the same feeling of anxiety. 

Don't let all your hard work slip away! At this point something like the Acne.Org Regimen may be enough to keep your acne in check. Something to consider.

Hang in there and good luck with everything! I can only imagine your stress levels but try not to let your skin ruin all your prospects for happiness in your career and beyond which you've worked hard for and deserve!

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Acne always seems to come along at the most inopportune moments, so I certainly know how you feel. I've had long periods of clear skin and then *BAM* acne's back. You go from those amazing highs to those terrible, terrible lows all of a sudden and, you're right, it doesn't feel fair.

All you can do is carry on as best you can and, in the mean time, try to find something that will help clear up your skin. Are you taking any medications at the moment for your skin? And will you be able to get them in Japan?

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Thanks De, I'm sorry to here your son is going through this - but how amazing to have a supportive and understanding mother. My family are incredibly supportive, but they don't understand, they brush it off and say "oh it's fine" "oh it'll go". One thing that annoys me to no end is "oh you can hardly see it" - so basically you can see it, but it's not /tooooo/ bad. No. I don't want it. I want clear skin lile everyone else.

still... My mum, too, is very reassuring and without her with me I'll have no support system.

I've never taken the regimin, but personally think it'd be too strong. My skin is incredibly sensitive. My acne is also on my neck, back of neck, chest and back as well so it's very tricky for topicals/face washes to cure it.

Thanks Ben. I've never had clear skin in my life, except for the final months of accutane - so I literally only had two/three months respite from this disease before it came back. Skincare is worrying me in Japan because benzoyl peroxide is not sold over there. The closest they get is salycic acid. 

I'm just going to take over my current skincare routine (cetaphil face wash, cetaphil moisturising cream, head and shoulders shampoo) and try to get some Epiduo shipped over. :(

I mean at the end of the day there's nothing more I can do, so why worry ... But it's inevitable. It's consuming me and I'm just so unhappy. This time four months ago I was so excited for all of this, and now I can't think of anything worse. I'm dreading seeing my friend tomorrow morning, let alone moving country...

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I think alot of us can relate! I was on Accutane and had perfect skin just to have all my acne come back a year later. My anxiety was extremely high and I was scared alot. Hang in there and remember you are more than your skin!

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Aw, I'm so sorry :( I can definitely relate to how you feel, 110%. Acne has turned me into a complete anxious wreck. I'm afraid to make any plans, whether short-term or long-term, because I never know how bad my skin is going to be. Like you said though, it's possible that by the time your acne goes away you will have missed out on so many opportunities that could have brought you happiness and security. As much as I want to hide from the world and give up on life on a regular basis, that one thought is my driving force. I went back to college when my skin was at its absolute worst at age 27 and it was incredibly nerve wracking but I forced myself to stick it out because I couldn't let myself go the rest of my life without getting a degree and pursuing my passions simply because I was depressed about my appearance. Don't let your life pass you by because of your acne. At the end of the day, it's more than likely the LAST thing anyone else notices about you. 

*hugs* Feel free to send me a message if you ever need someone to vent to. 

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This really hits me. I've been suffering from severe acne for two years(with my whole face covered with it) and it completely changes me. I become very unsocial and much less talkative and can't hold up a conversation or have eye contact. Feeling suicidal or simply giving up on life is quite frequent. My boyfriend and my parents always reassure me that it's not too bad but whenever I look in the mirror I feel so depressed and disgusted. I'm trying to develop hobby such as programming to distract myself. But I will be going back to school in Fall and it threatens me everyday. I think you've accomplished a lot, just hang in there and remember that you are not alone. Good luck with everything :)

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Thanks guys for the responses!

Like you said, madeup, I cant make plans until the day because I never know what my skin will look like. I suffer with terrible anxiety the minute I wake up, scared of what I'll see in the mirror.. And wow ... Good for you going back and getting a degree! I find myself hiding away... I just don't know how to cope with having acne - like I have no mechanisms to mentally deal with it and get on with life.

Zyy i'm sorry you're getting the same feelings as me..i've started contemplating death again, which is ridiculous but I just can'thelp it. Thank you so much for the kind words.

So far it's still getting worse but for the past four days i've had an allergic rash appear on my neck and behind my right ear to godknowswhat. It's burning and itching, incredibly red and acne has appeared in those areas... But I mean nothing touches behind my ear? So what is it? Ugh ... It's one thing after anther. Cancelled my plans today and tomorrow and I leave in 2 weeks.. Oh please god give me some respite from this..

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...................................................................

Edited by Luke89

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I face kind of the same struggle, here is a few things you should think about :
Possibly, the new diet you will have in Japan will clear your skin problems, it has happened to a friend that studied in Asia. Also I saw a similar case on this forum.
I also go in two weeks in China, my skin is not very good too.

I found that cancelling plans isn't the good thing to do. What if instead you go, try your best to act like when you do when you are clear, and see what happens ? You will see that people treat you the exact same way than what they do when you are clear!
Also, if you stay recluse, you will only focus on your skin while if you go outside you will see people with all kinds of skin quality, and most of them don't care about it at all !
The worst that can happen ? You have bad skin in Japan and nobody will care about it !
If you don't go, you may feel relief in short term, but you are sure to regret one day. Just go, please

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PS : most of us have BDD
From Wikipedia, on "Treatments" :

The main techniques in CBT for BDD are exposure and response prevention. Exposure means helping the patient confront situations that provoke irrational fear (such as going out in public with the perceived physical defect exposed); response prevention means resisting urges to ask for reassurance, use excessive makeup to conceal the perceived defect, or repeatedly check one's appearance in the mirror.

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Hi hun.  I can so relate. But as someone older than you, I can say with 100% certainty that your acne is not worth ruining your life.  I have let it dictate so much of what i do in the hopes that at some point it was going to go away and i would be able to start living.  Nope - 32 and my acne is still bad.   Done actuate 3 times and a ton of topical including the regimen and still acne.  Now on spiro and yes....still acne.  The point is, go do what you have to do and live your life as if your skin was not a priority.  For some of us, i honestly think chronic acne is just a roll of the die.  Just like people who get diabetes or cancer - it's not always our fault and we can't always fix it.

I know this may not be helpful but hopefully you'll see that you're not alone. 

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OP - I don't know what else to add that other posters haven't already said.  I can certainly relate in that acne and scarring has caused me to cancel some of my plans these past few years.  Most of my hobbies these days are solitary ones.

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I understand completely. Recently I started using a mineral based makeup coverup that makes me feel better because you can't see the breakouts as bad. I have really sensitive skin and it doesn't break me out, just wondering if maybe you tried covering it up you might feel better? But I also think you should embrace who you are, because clearly you are a successful person who is doing well in life, and you shouldn't let acne define that. Just because your skin is imperfect doesn't mean you are, and doesn't mean you are not beautiful and capable. 

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Jaures; Thanks for your comments! Honestly it's really appreciated since we've kind of gone through the same process. And you're going to China soon?! Haha.. Are you sure we're not just the same person? It's hard.. I definately know I have BDD, but I know I have poor skin as well, so it's a mix. Hopefully the hot summer in Japan may help as well though, but we'll see. I am definately going to see a therapist when I come back to england in mid 2017.. I think I really need it.

Luke; I have to say you have a lot more confidence than I do for going out and living life regardless of acne. Good on you!

Thanks Leelow and Ichasse...I'm sorry to hear you're going through this and have been for so long. It honestly breaks my heart. I really really hope it eventually all clears for you and you can have the skin you deserve. Thank you.. I'm trying to live my life, but it creates so much anxiety within me that when I am out my heart beats so fast and I feel 'excited' to just go home and be alone.

Hey flower; I actually do use bare mineals foundation for my work (and will be in the future) - i find it works quite well for my skin, doesnt make me break out, and looks very very natural. My female friends couldnt believe it when I told then I was wearing makeup! But it's strange.. I was talking to my mum and I think I would have felt so much more confident wearing the makeup if I was a girl. I dont know.. Being a guy im not really wearing makeup to enhance, I'm wearing it to hide. Being a guy who obviously wasnt brought up or experimented openly with makeup during my teens like most girls, I kind of feel resentful that I have to wear it when other guys don't? I don't inow if I'm explaining it right, but makeup kind of makes me feel worse because I feel i'm hiding? But thank you so so much for your kind words they really put a smile on my face!

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I can totally relate to the highs and lows. I had pretty bad acne in the first year of college. I went on birth control and my face cleared up within a year. I enjoyed my life. I was social. I loved traveling and taking pictures. However, half a year ago a switched to a generic brand and all hell broke loose. My acne came back full force. My lower cheeks and chin and jaw line are all covered with cysts. I can't even tell which ones are fading and which ones are coming out. I hate my face and I basically refuse all social occasions except the ones with very, very close friends. I feel desperate. I hate showing people the part of my body that I hate themes every single day. I'm now back on the birth control that once worked for me, but I'm scared. I don't know how long it is going to take my skin to calm down. I don't know whether or not it can still calm down this time. 
Hang in there. You are not alone.

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