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beyondinfinity

Still a virgin - self conscious due to acne

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I'm a man and had acne all my life (since teenage).  It has come and gone.  But one thing remained constant.  It really reduced my self confidence and made me very self conscious.  I could have had more than a few girlfriends in all this time - I remember each instance and could tell that some girls actually liked me and I kind of knew they were hinting around at it.  But on each occasion my shyness took over or I figured I wasn't good enough or had acne at the time, or was afraid of getting a breakout, etc so I kept to myself and did not acknowledge their advance or hints.  I think it becomes a sort of habitual behaviour that once you get used to hiding yourself away you keep on doing it and becomes second nature.  In my 30's after university, socializing stopped and needless to say I just work mostly and hang out with coworkers or family.  I haven't met anyone that has made any advance or hinted at becoming friends or more than friends. Overall I have shied away from so many social activities because of the embarrassment of having these acne on my face. I have travelled by myself which I hated, and people I have met could see it in my face that I was shy or timid - they actually told me.  Even when my acne clears up from time to time, I behave the same way just out of habit.  Luckily I didn't let it affect my education or work. 

So being single all this time has been hard, now especially as I get older I feel more and more out of sync with the rest of society.  Everyone is going out, having friends, dating, having sex.  And I'm not part of that.  It hits you hard especially when they talk about it, joke about it, to talk about shows that are relationship or have sexual content.  I try to put on a brave face, smile and laugh with them pretending like I know what they are talking about.

My only fear now if I ever did develop the confidence to enter into relationships - that I waited too long.  That I will have a hard time to find a woman that will want to be intimate with or that I will find it embarrassing to tell her when the time comes that I never had sex or been intimate.  

I am starting to take a more positive mentality because time is running out.  If I try to meet someone I want to make this something fun.  
I don't think I'll be too afraid to talk to or approach someone, but also I don't know where to start.  
 

Edited by beyondinfinity

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On 07/01/2016, 12:39:37, beyondinfinity said:

I'm a man and had acne all my life (since teenage).  It has come and gone.  But one thing remained constant.  It really reduced my self confidence and made me very self conscious.  I could have had more than a few girlfriends in all this time - I remember each instance and could tell that some girls actually liked me and I kind of knew they were hinting around at it.  But on each occasion my shyness took over or I figured I wasn't good enough or had acne at the time, or was afraid of getting a breakout, etc so I kept to myself and did not acknowledge their advance or hints.  I think it becomes a sort of habitual behaviour that once you get used to hiding yourself away you keep on doing it and becomes second nature.  In my 30's after university, socializing stopped and needless to say I just work mostly and hang out with coworkers or family.  I haven't met anyone that has made any advance or hinted at becoming friends or more than friends. Overall I have shied away from so many social activities because of the embarrassment of having these acne on my face. I have travelled by myself which I hated, and people I have met could see it in my face that I was shy or timid - they actually told me.  Even when my acne clears up from time to time, I behave the same way just out of habit.  Luckily I didn't let it affect my education or work. 

So being single all this time has been hard, now especially as I get older I feel more and more out of sync with the rest of society.  Everyone is going out, having friends, dating, having sex.  And I'm not part of that.  It hits you hard especially when they talk about it, joke about it, to talk about shows that are relationship or have sexual content.  I try to put on a brave face, smile and laugh with them pretending like I know what they are talking about.

My only fear now if I ever did develop the confidence to enter into relationships - that I waited too long.  That I will have a hard time to find a woman that will want to be intimate with or that I will find it embarrassing to tell her when the time comes that I never had sex or been intimate.  

I am starting to take a more positive mentality because time is running out.  If I try to meet someone I want to make this something fun.  
I don't think I'll be too afraid to talk to or approach someone, but also I don't know where to start.  
 

Hi beyondinfinity,
There's no reason to be ashamed about being a virgin - i am too! 
I also don't socialise much - except the minimum amount of conversation i need to get by at work.
Having acne makes me feel ugly and too anxious to enter into a relationship. Part of me thinks i'd like one, but then i just freak out at the thought of anyone getting too near my face or wanting to kiss me and seeing my disgusting acne.
I'm sure plenty of women wouldn't mind that you're a virgin. They might be just as anxious as you or have their own insecurities. 
I really get tired of all the emphasis on sex. Its just an animal bodily function. There are more important things. I'd much rather have a partner who was kind and sensitive and understood me. 

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I know how it feels to be self conscious.  It too holds me back from pursuing a relationship.  I am afraid of judgement and even though I have other positive attributes about me, my skin always seems to take center stage.  With that said, force yourself to get out, especially when your skin is bad.  Once you face the world at 'your worst', you've pretty much experienced a worst case scenario situation.  That's why I don't wear makeup. People have seen me when Ive had red bumps so whats the worse they could say about me?

volunteering is also a great way to meet new people in a less stressful situation.  We're around the same age so trust me when I say, you're not alone.

When you put yourself out there, remember to not do it for the purpose of entering into a relationship.  No expectations means you'll take things as they come and be able to brush them off if they don't pan out.  If you ever want to chat, feel free to PM me.

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On January 8, 2016 at 1:06:36 PM, leelowe1 said:

I know how it feels to be self conscious.  It too holds me back from pursuing a relationship.  I am afraid of judgement and even though I have other positive attributes about me, my skin always seems to take center stage.  With that said, force yourself to get out, especially when your skin is bad.  Once you face the world at 'your worst', you've pretty much experienced a worst case scenario situation.  That's why I don't wear makeup. People have seen me when Ive had red bumps so whats the worse they could say about me?

volunteering is also a great way to meet new people in a less stressful situation.  We're around the same age so trust me when I say, you're not alone.

When you put yourself out there, remember to not do it for the purpose of entering into a relationship.  No expectations means you'll take things as they come and be able to brush them off if they don't pan out.  If you ever want to chat, feel free to PM me.

Leelowe1- how did you get to a place where you would go out without makeup with people? That's the one thing I can't manage to do- even when I had clear skin! It hurts me to even go shopping for errands without makeup. Any advice?? :)

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On 8-1-2016 19:06:36, leelowe1 said:

I know how it feels to be self conscious.  It too holds me back from pursuing a relationship.  I am afraid of judgement and even though I have other positive attributes about me, my skin always seems to take center stage.  With that said, force yourself to get out, especially when your skin is bad.  Once you face the world at 'your worst', you've pretty much experienced a worst case scenario situation.  That's why I don't wear makeup. People have seen me when Ive had red bumps so whats the worse they could say about me?

volunteering is also a great way to meet new people in a less stressful situation.  We're around the same age so trust me when I say, you're not alone.

When you put yourself out there, remember to not do it for the purpose of entering into a relationship.  No expectations means you'll take things as they come and be able to brush them off if they don't pan out.  If you ever want to chat, feel free to PM me.


But if everyone puts himself / herself out there without the purpose of entering a relationship, then how does anyone ever enter a relationship? There is nothing wrong to give off signs of wanting a relationship or even just plain sex as long as no one is being pushy about it. I can't imagine a way to initiate something without letting the other person know.

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I hear what you're saying.  My point was that it is stressful enough meeting new people without doing it with the goal of meeting a life partner. If my mindset is that I'm dating to get a boyfriend, I tend to stress about everything from what I wear to how I look to how I speak and the list is never ending.  In past relationships where I've just gone out there with the idea that I'll see what happens, I'm more relaxed and myself.  I've met some really great partners that way.  

Just my my personal experience. 

1 hour ago, jensweetone said:
On January 8, 2016 at 1:06:36 PM, leelowe1 said:

I know how it feels to be self conscious.  It too holds me back from pursuing a relationship.  I am afraid of judgement and even though I have other positive attributes about me, my skin always seems to take center stage.  With that said, force yourself to get out, especially when your skin is bad.  Once you face the world at 'your worst', you've pretty much experienced a worst case scenario situation.  That's why I don't wear makeup. People have seen me when Ive had red bumps so whats the worse they could say about me?

volunteering is also a great way to meet new people in a less stressful situation.  We're around the same age so trust me when I say, you're not alone.

When you put yourself out there, remember to not do it for the purpose of entering into a relationship.  No expectations means you'll take things as they come and be able to brush them off if they don't pan out.  If you ever want to chat, feel free to PM me.

Leelowe1- how did you get to a place where you would go out without makeup with people? That's the one thing I can't manage to do- even when I had clear skin! It hurts me to even go shopping for errands without makeup. Any advice?? :)

Hi Jen, it was just a matter of doing it.  I honestly felt like crap and I was embarrassed but I did a lot of self talk to myself like, "I am more than my skin." And "none of these people matter to me on a deeper level."  In all honesty , there is no trick to getting over that insecurity.  You just have to practice practice practice.  Maybe try goi makeup free once  a week all day (when you are going to be around family) and work your way up.  How's the acne doing?
 

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28 minutes ago, leelowe1 said:

I hear what you're saying.  My point was that it is stressful enough meeting new people without doing it with the goal of meeting a life partner. If my mindset is that I'm dating to get a boyfriend, I tend to stress about everything from what I wear to how I look to how I speak and the list is never ending.  In past relationships where I've just gone out there with the idea that I'll see what happens, I'm more relaxed and myself.  I've met some really great partners that way.  

Just my my personal experience. 


Why would anyone stress about what others think of him / her if they probably going to reject him / her due to having acne anyway?

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