Jump to content
Acne.org
Search In
Find results that contain...
Find results in...

Recommended Posts

I bet most of you can relate to the story I've described below. Every day is the same for me. I’m a successful professional living in London. I’m 26 years old and instead of being happy, I’m depressed and want to disappear from this world. Sorry if it’s too long.

I wake up and my heart is raising, I can actually feel the anxiety that is starting to fill my body. Time to wake up, time to look in the mirror. I’m half asleep, can barely see myself but I’m looking very closely. The horror starts. I want to cry, but I can’t because I don’t want to go to work with puffy eyes, acne is enough. I sit down and light my first cigarette. It’s 5.30 am and I’m tired, wish I could go back to sleep. Oral antibiotic, shower, coffee, next cigarette. I need to prepare myself emotionally to put make up on my horrible, bumpy face covered with scars as well. Let’s begin. Base, concealer, foundation, a bit more of concealer. Done. I still want to cry. You can see that I’m trying to hide something. I need to do my hair. I need to cover worse cheek with my hair so people won’t stare. Time to get dressed and leave the house. Deep breaths, try not to cry, don’t look at people, look down, look down.

Shit it’s windy. Not a surprise it’s stupid London. My hair will be a mess by the time I reach the underground. Never mind, look down, look down…I need another cigarette.

I made it. Holy crap, so many people again. But I made it to the last carriage, why there are so many people in the last carriage. I hate central line. Hot, humid and people are in your face. Don’t look at anyone, cover your face with your hair, and look down. Only a few more stops.

God I made it. Only 5 minutes and I’ll be at work. I’m almost there, I need another cigarette. Lift and toilet before I enter the office. I’m looking in the mirror….don’t cry, you stupid girl don’t cry, you've got important meetings today and you need to speak to your Director as well…don’t you dare cry. Put some more concealer on.

I enter the office and I smile or at least I try. Breakfast, last cigarette before lunch. I've got 10 minutes left until I need to start working. Let me double check how much roaccutane costs when you've got a private prescription. I don’t want to be waiting 3 months for my appointment with the dermatologist on NHS, maybe I should go privately. Shit..it’s 8.35 time to do some work.

I can’t focus, I can’t focus, I need to focus. My director is looking at me. Is she looking at me or my messed up face, God where’s my mirror, I need to go to the toilet.

Lunch, I need a cigarette..no I need like 5 of them. What should I eat? No diary, no gluten, no sugar? Fxx it, I tried that for 4 months and it didn't help at all. I’ll have some chicken with rice and a small Cadbury milk bar.

Back upstairs. I've got 20 minutes left. Let’s check again. Google…roaccutane….NHS waiting time. Not good, I want to cry. My college is asking me if everything is OK. He knows I want to start roaccutane. He’s been so supportive. I try not to cry. Only a few hours left and I can go back home.

It’s 5.30, home time. I just need to survive the journey. Bloody central line, stupid Holborn station, always crowded. A few more stops, a few more minutes and I’ll be home.

I enter my flat and burst into tears…I can’t stop crying for 20 minutes. My friend wants me to meet her for a drink, no way. I can’t. I’m exhausted. Every single muscle in my body is aching. I’m sitting on the floor with puffy eyes…right, it’s time to take a shower and take the rest of my make up off.

Done… now toner, acne cream on my face and oral antibiotic. There’s no pint, why am I even doing it. I look like a monster anyway; I feel like a monster, I wish I could just disappear. I want to disappear. It’s 10.00 pm, I've been crying for an hour. I want to skype my mum but she’s got so much going on. She knows how I feel she’s tried to help, but there’s only so much she can do. I don’t want to worry her. I’ll go to bed. I need to sleep and forget…I want to forget..I want to disappear. Another day tomorrow….

That's my life. How many of you feel the same way?

Maggie

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Maggie, I'm so so sorry you're going through this and I'm sending massive hugs your way. I've been there, heck...I still am there. I was very fortunate that I had a supportive family, that when I quit my job in france (due to acne and other reasons), I could move back home...

I didn't leave the house at all for about 5 months. I would wake up and cry. The only time I would feel ok would be at night time when I could sit in my room in the darkness and eventually fall asleep, just trying to convince myself that tomorrow would be a better day. In the morning, it would start again. I cried, like you said, every day. Literally every day. It was the hardest time of my life.

Thankfully, now, I am on roaccutane (I live in London as well), and it has definately helped so much -- although the acne has taken a toll on me. Some days I feel so hideous I still won't leave the house, but slowly and surely I am getting out there. I respect you so much for going out every day to work regardless, because I would not have had the strength for that. That's true confidence, and you should be proud of that!

I would definately recommend going to your regular GP and talking about your anxiety, however. I was forced to see a psychiatrist as I was on antidepressants before starting accutane, and still see her once a month. When I started seeing her she prescribed me Xanax for my anxiety and my god...I've never had anything so effective. It doesn't make the problem go away, or delude you into thinking your problems aren't there, but it really really relaxes your body. I'm sure this could help you.

Also, it seems like you are on progress to getting accutane, so that's something to look forward too...and think of it this way...all of these people have seen you with bad skin at work every day, and has it stopped them being nice to you? Stopped your friend wanting to go out with you? Stopped you having close relationships with friends? No! And I'm sure that when you start accutane, they will all be there to support you and even say how much you're improving!

It's hard to keep positive, and I feel like a hypocrite because I have the days where I just can't bear to leave the house and HATE everyone because I'm so bitter and jealous, but either way big huggles your way!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Maggie, I'm so so sorry you're going through this and I'm sending massive hugs your way. I've been there, heck...I still am there. I was very fortunate that I had a supportive family, that when I quit my job in france (due to acne and other reasons), I could move back home...

I didn't leave the house at all for about 5 months. I would wake up and cry. The only time I would feel ok would be at night time when I could sit in my room in the darkness and eventually fall asleep, just trying to convince myself that tomorrow would be a better day. In the morning, it would start again. I cried, like you said, every day. Literally every day. It was the hardest time of my life.

Thankfully, now, I am on roaccutane (I live in London as well), and it has definately helped so much -- although the acne has taken a toll on me. Some days I feel so hideous I still won't leave the house, but slowly and surely I am getting out there. I respect you so much for going out every day to work regardless, because I would not have had the strength for that. That's true confidence, and you should be proud of that!

I would definately recommend going to your regular GP and talking about your anxiety, however. I was forced to see a psychiatrist as I was on antidepressants before starting accutane, and still see her once a month. When I started seeing her she prescribed me Xanax for my anxiety and my god...I've never had anything so effective. It doesn't make the problem go away, or delude you into thinking your problems aren't there, but it really really relaxes your body. I'm sure this could help you.

Also, it seems like you are on progress to getting accutane, so that's something to look forward too...and think of it this way...all of these people have seen you with bad skin at work every day, and has it stopped them being nice to you? Stopped your friend wanting to go out with you? Stopped you having close relationships with friends? No! And I'm sure that when you start accutane, they will all be there to support you and even say how much you're improving!

It's hard to keep positive, and I feel like a hypocrite because I have the days where I just can't bear to leave the house and HATE everyone because I'm so bitter and jealous, but either way big huggles your way!

Dear Lore91,

Thanks a lot. Your warm words really mean a lot to me. Trust me when I tell you that leaving the house in the morning and going to work is the worst thing. I feel emotionally and physically exhausted. I wish I could just stay at home. Just like you I’m reaching the point in my life where I want to quit my job and move back home (I’m Polish). I live on my own in a studio flat so I’m constantly alone. I miss my family, my mum, my younger sister. Have no idea how to cope anymore.

I got referred to the dermatologist on NHS last week. The waiting to see the dermatologist is going to be horrible. From the other hand I have no idea how I’m going to cope with the initial break out when I start roaccutane. Am I strong enough to go through the side effects, initial breakout and emotional stress….on my own. My college from work is the nicest guy ever. His sister in law is a doctor so he gave me her number today and told me to give her a call so she can answer all of my questions about roaccutane.

You need to stay strong as well. I know that most of the times you just want to punch you head against the wall. That’s how I feel. At least you’ve started roaccutane, you’ve got your family with you, and you’ve got the support. I would give anything to have that. I hope roaccutane works for you, it needs to. You’re half way there…and I have made just a tiny step. I really need to think about seeing someone who could help me with my depression and anxiety, but I’m afraid that I won’t be prescribed roaccutane if I have a history of depression.

Big hugs from horribly warm office which is messing up my make up.

Maggie

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm 20 years old and I can relate to almost everything you've said. I let and unfortunately still let acne control my life. Even though my acne isn't so bad as it was before, the damage has been done. I don't have the confidence to look people in the eye and I'm always so overly self-conscious whenever I'm face to face with someone. I always feel like they're judging my face and scrutinizing my skin. It's horrible to feel this way-- I really want to change it but it's so difficult to do so. Everyday, I always walk all the way to the end of the subway car because I know there'll be less people there and I hate crowded places. I've contemplated quitting work because of it too. The worse part is, before acne, I was always terribly shy and self-conscious so acne only exacerbated my problem. I don't cry about it but instead I obsess over everything I could possibly do to battle it. It's maddening because I end up disappointed after spending money over something that 'promised' to do this and that... and not being able to eat my favourite foods because they can 'cause acne' (I know it's not proven but I find that when I eat healthier and avoid my favourite food [junk food], I get less breakouts.)

I just feel so restricted by it and I feel like I could do so much more and be so much better if it wasn't for my acne. I have so many regrets and 'what ifs' that I think about daily that I could have done if I wasn't so caught up worrying about my face.

I'm sorry I don't feel like I'm helping you at all by talking about my own problems but it's just really nice to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dear Flowersfornina,

I described my yesterday's day cause I know that most of us on this website feel similar way. It's horrible how acne can hold people back and infuance their moods, personality and life choices. There's no point in even mentioning daily decisions such us....should I see my friend today, no I need to go back home and hide...should I reschedule the business meeting, should I look in the mirror again...should I finally start accutane etc., etc,. It's like never ending list of questions.

The what if question is the worst one. In my case, even though my professional life is successful, my personal life is a completely different story. You need to pretend at work or school that you're fine, but you've got no strength left to pretend when you're with your friends or family. What if I had clear skin...what if I had gone to see my friend...what if I had talked to that nice guy who gave up his sit for me on the underground/subway...what if, what if..I guess I'll never know.

Just like yourself I'm obsessed with doing something about acne and I get disappointed every single time. I just hope that one day we will see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Maggie

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Maggie

I am so so sorry to hear what you are going through, my heart really goes out to you and I can empathize with you 100%.

I am 21 and struggling like you, with acne. I have had acne on and off for 7 years - It is a daily battle which I am constantly losing. Currently my acne is starting to control my life more than ever before and I am scared I will look back and regret letting it do this to my life - I am obsessed.

What make up are you using? Are you on any birth control? What skincare are you using? Sorry for all the questions but I will try and give you some pointers as much as I can from what I have discovered over the years.

Feel free to message me if you would rather.

Rebecca xo

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi maggie

I have bad acne too and I also live in London (near notting hill), at least you get to cover it up with make-up. I have to unleash my hideousness to the world when i go out because i'm a guy and i WISH i could cover it up. Not that i'm diminishing your problems but just think... It could be worse...you could be me.

:)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I can relate so much to your post.

I have mild acne but it looks awful and disgusting in my eyes. I've just started a low dose course of Accutane (25 mg per week). My derm prescribed me it even though I have a history of depression so don't worry, you might also get it. It's too soon to tell if it's working - I still look and feel horrible. But I try very hard to believe that there's a hope. And there's a hope for you, just try to step out of your comfort zone and do something that's not natural for you, like go to a party or meet with your friends. I know, at first it's terrible and you can't stop thinking about your skin. But after some time you'll realize that people don't care about your skin - they care about you, the things you do and say. You can be a wonderful, helpful, intelligent and lovely person, no matter how your skin looks like. I know how difficult it is to believe in this. My days are often very similiar to yours, even though I'm struggling to change the way things are.

By the way, I'm Polish too - I live in Warsaw. If you wish, you can always message me (in Polish) ;)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I can really relate to your problem even though I am a guy. I've lied to work so many times because if acne that I'm sick or family issues so on. I also have missed a lot of college to. With summer coming up and day light lasting longer I'm really dreading it.

I work in a fine dining restaurant as well as study part time and always feel like people are staring at me, sometimes I can't even face up to my own family when I have massive break outs, I use clean and clean to no affect have made a gp appointment and can hopefully go on from there, I suffer mild acne on good days to moderate on bad days. But there never really is a good day I can recall about 2 days where I actually didn't.

As for you saying that you look down when travelling and try to avoid people so do I, I'm from Wales so very quiet know that I have moved to London people just seem to be everywhere staring at me they probably are not but I think they are. I just always can't wait until it goes dark as where I work they keep lighting low. I dread college and I am falling behind and feel like soon my job will be at risk.

Anway you seemail like such a strong person and I hope you all the best in the future I hope you kick acne..  I hate acne I'm not into  work today because of it :(

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi All, 

I posted my story here on this website over a year ago when I was at my breaking point. Thank you for reading it and all the support. I know that many people on this website can relate to everything I described here on the 17th of June 2015. 

I've decided to give you guys an update because a lot has changed since last year. I did start roaccutane in March this year after months of waiting for NHS appointment with the dermatologist. I'm on my 6th and last month taking 50 mg per day and I will soon reach my higher cumulative dosage of 7500 mg. My dermatologist agreed on me doing extra 2-3 months though on a very low dose of 10-20 mg per day to hopefully prevent quick relapse. 

Guys I just want to tell you that my life has changed dramatically.....I'm happy! I can't believe that I'm actually saying this but I am happy! Acne is gone, my depression caused by acne is gone, I don't wake up panicking anymore. I love how smooth my face is, I love the fact that I don't need to wear make up just to pop to the shop for 5 minutes. 

I'm saying all these to give you guys hope. It can get better and I'm a breathing and living example of the fact that things can change for the better.   I'm not going to convince anyone to take accutane cause I know it's not for everyone. It works for me and if my acne comes back sooner or later i will take it again. 

Things can change! I had no hope and I know that some of you may feel the same way I felt last year. I still remember that horrible feeling. 

Take care and I hope that one day you will be able to look at your posts on this website and feel relived that your nightmare from the past is over. 

Maggie xx

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I wake up, I brush my teeth and a strong light hits my face, I look in the mirror, but I'd rather not look.
Moisturizing step on my face, as usual. 
I sit at the computer to study or watch some videos. 
Suddenly, I find myself looking at my pictures trying to convince me that someone might like me with these scars, 
trying to convince me that for some reason, the scars can give me personality traits, or which is not so bad. 

When it's time to go to college, I go to the bus stop, but get away from people. I get on the bus looking at the floor, and sit in the most isolated seat. When I have lunch in college, I look for an empty table, or try to arrive later to avoid my colleagues. 
I avoid the elevator, especially with friends inside. 
I avoid any strong light on my face when my friends are close by.

I would like to continue this routine, it is appropriate for me to be always hiding. 
But I decided to have a girlfriend, she is beautiful, has a perfect skin, not yet told her all these problems of my head. 
She does not know. The fact is that she is still with me, I do not know why. I often have to lie to her about not being able to go somewhere together, most of our dates are the night because it is more convenient for me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


  • Personalized Advice Quiz - All of Acne.org in just a few minutes

×