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il90

Deep Emotional Issues

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So, as I was talking to my parents about all I have done to get rid off acne we naturally tried to figure out when it started getting bad. I have always had a little acne, but I have also had a really rough childhood. When I was 20 I moved in with a sociopath and I started getting a pretty severe eating disorder (that had been going on for awhile though). At this time my acne also started to get extremely bad. I wouldn't have thought much of it, even though I knew at that time that there had to be a connection (just intuition). But I knew nothing about this, I just thought I was using a bad product or something.

When I went back home (I lived abroad) my acne started clearing up (it was also summer though, and we have better (chlorine free) tap water at home too though) but I also did not have to spend time with people who stressed me out so bad. This kept going though for years until I developed severe anxiety. I have been working on it now and I am so much better.

Anyways, my dad's best friends daughter has recently, just like me, had a really bad case of acne appearing out of nowhere. It was just as bad as me, in that you practically had to hide the mirrors in the house unless you wanted her to start crying. She just lost a friend in a really horrible accident, and just like me have had a really bad childhood.

A lot of people talk about this idea that when we cannot accept ourselves we develop acne... I just think it sound a little 'out there' since so much people have anxiety and never develop this kind of acne. But what if we're talking deeper, really tough stuff that has been building for so long and is manifesting this way? Is it possible?

I found this post from a former member here that I thought was really interesting:

My question is whether you battle with feelings of self-loathing deeply rooted in your past?

What if we like this guy says just say 'screw it' and go live our lives the way we want to regardless how many pimples we have? I mean we aren't the ones affected by it since we don't have see our own faces. There will always be haters. If you're pretty, I promise you'll get so many jealous people trying to make life harder for you, if you are really nice people will try to take advantage of you, if you are successful people will try to get your money. And, naturally, if we don't look socially acceptable then we will be looked down upon. I really do wonder who writes these rules. It is us, though, isn't it?

I have been getting better with this, and some day I hope I can just say fuck it and go out with my hair up and without make up and say that I don't, honestly, care. Perhaps this is a cure for acne, but if not, it'll be a cure for something else.

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I definitely have some self-hatred that stems from my past. I got bullied a lot after I moved out of California to Utah, never got accepted by anyone and got pretty severely outcasted and bullied (even by teachers and especially the VP). Lasted a good 6 years. Dropped out of highschool because of it. As I grew older I began to stop giving a shit about other people and their insignificant opinions about me, but my hatred towards myself continued to grow. It's always going to be there, I know that. It's just a part of who I am. But it doesn't also prevent me from simultaneously loving myself and being grateful for who I am as a human being - if that makes any sense. I often look in the mirror, have a quick anxiety attack, then focus myself down and tell myself that I'm beautiful just the way I am, and no illness, disability or physical abnormality will ever change that. It only confirms the fact that I am human, and that in itself is beautiful.

Of course, while this can get me out the door without makeup on, it's still an on-going battle everywhere I go to convince myself that I am me - and that is enough. It's hard to explain, but I both hate myself and love myself at the same time. I can easily say "fuck it" and get out the door, but also just as easily break down into a puddle of tears.

Acne can definitely show up when one is stressed / depressed, but there are also plenty of other reasons for it as well. Being positive about your appearance is definitely a step in the right direction, imo, though. It's just really, really hard.

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