Hello,

My name is Ryan. as the topic title says, i am 31 just 37 miniutes ago. The role that Acne plays in my self image is disturbing. Otherwise, I would not be 6' 5", 250lbs. and shy as a school girl in some of the most important moments of everyday. Some might say, "it's not that bad" or "i've seen worse", "it could always be worse", my favorite: "i DID NOT EVEN NOTICE BEFORE YOU SAID ANYTHING." Sorry, I get a little upset because, like i said, I have been married to this bitch for the better part of 15 years. I conduct business daily. Throughout the day, everyday, I am well aware of my acne and the response from people who, forgive me, who are basically sort of stupid or just not bright enough to know thaat when engaging a person, you dont search out every pipmle with your eyes while we talk, or ask " what happened to your face" everytime we see eachother. I first thought they were not that stu[id and were clowning me, being sarcastic. NO, NO,NO, this brand of fool is the type who when smoking a joint, gets so high he throws up, like disgusting globs of kabab and rice and tomatoe and shit..... nasty-ness!! Once he wipes his mouth on his sleeve, he screams and laughs and giggles out the words " let me hit it again, "ha.... ha.... haaa " Obviously i have a person in mind and he can go ahead eat a bucket of D@#$s for all i care.

Anyway, Why i am here on this forum is to share with you all my acne. I am not a normal or moderate case of acne. I consoder myself a freak of acnature. LOL. I have been with acne for the better part of my life. It all started in 5th grade, i got my first pimple right near my mouth. You can imagine what people said to me and about me. that pimple was very big and never got to a white head, but remained for a week. the worsening began at 15. I first noticed the flat, normal skin color at that time, on my forhead. Lots of them, tiny. Never really came to a head. Fast forward a bit,

16-18 years old.

My acne progressed and i was put on accutane. Tell me if i have been screwed after you hear this part. plz. My doctor was just my primary physician, not a specialist. He put me on 30 mgs a day i think for like 6 months . dont quote me on the duration i dont remember the length of time we were supposed to do. After nearly 2 months i was getting these really nasy, deep, differently shaped boil like acne that would hurt, and with white puss would have blood and this oil liquid substance too. These huge things just remained on myy face for a couple months whil staying with the accutane, butnot seeing my doctor cuz i was away at school. when i finally saw my doctor, my face was leaking at every huge cyst like pimple. I had a face that was literally covered in huge nasty sores.

I was 18 and graduating high school. I had to take gred. pics. I ripped them to pieces when i got them. thinking about that brings me to tears because acne, life altering and invasive is its damage to my attempts at a normal self image, its not the worst of the problems in my life.

My acne was so bad i was wearing a hooded sweater evryday at school. whenever i left the house, hood was on. I was like this for more than a year. I just could not deal with the level of anxiety brought on by walking around and forcing people to see such a grotesque display of personal problem.

The doctor reffered me toa dermatologist. When i finally got to him, his first words were "You should have been here months ago, I can save just some areas form severe scarring" I have smoothe and cauliflower shaped raised scars in areas with what seems like a pimple or sac of puss in most all pores on my face, and butt cheeks. Yes, butt cheeks get it the worst. If my butt were my face, JESUS, I woulda have passed out everytime i looked in the mirror. The acne on my body has been consistant, having been severe for the whole 15 or so years of my life. they bleed, pop and do what they want growing into huge liquid filled sores that hurt like a mother fucker. I have pimples that are years old and have not come to a head nor do i think they ever will. some take years then come to a head but are very deep. Some take a long time and give a thrill when popped from the volume of these pimple in my skin. The acne seems to be getting worse.

I have not finished my time-line because i suffer from ADHD and have lost my desire and motivation that which compelled me to even embark on this search for help. My acne is gradually worsening in that the outbreaks and flare ups are more frequent and severity is greater. Also, behind my ears, the crease where my ear meets the head, a oily substance secreted, very weird. IDK.

Basically, I am someone who is at a disadvantage in life because of my inability to defeat acne, and worse yet, my inability to push the awareness of my acne out of my life . I want to beat this so i can be a more productive person. To be a person who doesnt second guess himself because of what i think someone and/or people are thinking of my appearance and lifestyle. I deserve that , my daughter deserves that and my girlfriend deserves that. Despite having two special woman in my life, who encompass all that is real and love in my world, I cannot escape this insufferable marriage to my acne!!.

I hope you have enjoyed my thoughts. this is a part of me, it is me. If you think you are going to get a rise out of me by making a comment meant to antagonize, you are sorely mistaken,. Thank you now for any support and./or suggestions. smoke more tree, and good night.

Ryan