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Blunt Dating Advice For People With Acne

 
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15
(@radioheart)

Posted : 05/17/2014 3:18 pm

Let's all face it- for most of us with acne, dating doesn't come easily. Love doesn't come easily.

And no, it's not because we're all 'ugly' or any of that superficial nonsense. It's because we tend to have self-esteem low enough to win a limbo contest. That's the core of the problem. We degrade ourselves, tell ourselves how 'nobody will ever love us', how 'acne is ruining our lives', how 'a social/love life just isn't possible with acne'. And with enough reinforcement from ourselves, it becomes the truth.

If you have ever thought any of these things, stop. Just stop. Please. To put it bluntly: that self-loathing attitude will not get you anywhere in life. I mean, come on, you are the person you will spend every conscious moment with; at least learn to love yourself!

Let me tell you the problem that arises when dating with acne: you sell yourself short. You think you're not good enough. And that means you're not confident. And that's one of the biggest turn-offs a person can have.

In today's world, confidence is everything. Confidence -not to be confused with cockiness- is sexy. It shows that you are a happy individual with self-worth, and who doesn't want to date someone who is happy and secure in themselves? I know I do. Confidence shows you are emotionally and mentally stable in yourself, which is something everyone wants in a partner.

I don't care whether you have glistening, clear skin or a face full of cystic acne, if you don't love yourself, you can not expect somebody else to love you. What I'm trying to say is that before you start looking for somebody to love, start loving yourself. Stop selling yourself short. Stop saying acne is the reason you can't get a boyfriend, can't get friends, can't get a job, etc.

I have acne. I am not conventionally attractive. I am overweight.

Yet I have a boyfriend. I am first in my school's academic rankings. I have friends. I placed first in the violin section of our orchestra. I am in a band.

None of this could have been achieved if I have just given up on myself because I had acne. There was no way I would even have a boyfriend right now if I hadn't been confident in myself. There was no way I would have taken up music if I was afraid of everyone watching me while I performed onstage. I wouldn't have met all the wonderful friends I know now had I spent my days sulking shyly alone rather than being friendly. And it's not easy, I didn't say it was: but it is definitely worth it.

My point: Acne is not the end of your social, romantic, or academic life.Don't give up on yourself or hate yourself, because then you'll find yourself missing all the wonderful opportunities life throws at you and it will be so much harder to enjoy your life.

Be confident. Love yourself. With or without acne, you're still a living, breathing human being deserving of love and self-worth.

flowersfornina, BrianneG, stace29 and 10 people liked
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4
(@senoritastephie)

Posted : 05/17/2014 11:57 pm

I support your message and totally and completely agree. Once I let my acne get in the way of a date when I was 21 years old, got so upset when I was rejected that I broke out in cystic acne all over my face that scarred my face. Now I just don't care, haha, and don't let it bother me (at least 90% of the time) because it could get worse. I've gotten amazing jobs, was proposed to once (which didn't last, but that's life), and a whole plthera of things. Everyone has issues, even those without acne or scars. Life has ups and downs. It's just how you view the negatives in life that helps create more positives. Love your story, btw.

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(@alexanderj86)

Posted : 05/18/2014 8:54 am

Let's all face it- for most of us with acne, dating doesn't come easily. Love doesn't come easily.

And no, it's not because we're all 'ugly' or any of that superficial nonsense. It's because we tend to have self-esteem low enough to win a limbo contest. That's the core of the problem. We degrade ourselves, tell ourselves how 'nobody will ever love us', how 'acne is ruining our lives', how 'a social/love life just isn't possible with acne'. And with enough reinforcement from ourselves, it becomes the truth.

If you have ever thought any of these things, stop. Just stop. Please. To put it bluntly: that self-loathing attitude will not get you anywhere in life. I mean, come on, you are the person you will spend every conscious moment with; at least learn to love yourself!

Let me tell you the problem that arises when dating with acne: you sell yourself short. You think you're not good enough. And that means you're not confident. And that's one of the biggest turn-offs a person can have.

In today's world, confidence is everything. Confidence -not to be confused with cockiness- is sexy. It shows that you are a happy individual with self-worth, and who doesn't want to date someone who is happy and secure in themselves? I know I do. Confidence shows you are emotionally and mentally stable in yourself, which is something everyone wants in a partner.

I don't care whether you have glistening, clear skin or a face full of cystic acne, if you don't love yourself, you can not expect somebody else to love you. What I'm trying to say is that before you start looking for somebody to love, start loving yourself. Stop selling yourself short. Stop saying acne is the reason you can't get a boyfriend, can't get friends, can't get a job, etc.

I have acne. I am not conventionally attractive. I am overweight.

Yet I have a boyfriend. I am first in my school's academic rankings. I have friends. I placed first in the violin section of our orchestra. I am in a band.

None of this could have been achieved if I have just given up on myself because I had acne. There was no way I would even have a boyfriend right now if I hadn't been confident in myself. There was no way I would have taken up music if I was afraid of everyone watching me while I performed onstage. I wouldn't have met all the wonderful friends I know now had I spent my days sulking shyly alone rather than being friendly. And it's not easy, I didn't say it was: but it is definitely worth it.

My point: Acne is not the end of your social, romantic, or academic life.Don't give up on yourself or hate yourself, because then you'll find yourself missing all the wonderful opportunities life throws at you and it will be so much harder to enjoy your life.

Be confident. Love yourself. With or without acne, you're still a living, breathing human being deserving of love and self-worth.

I know what you are talking about.I know that I am not ugly. Unfortunately, most people think I am. The way I have been / am treated by other people made me think that for them acne is the same as contagious cancer. If you think that I am not ugly, I believe you belong to a small, civilized minority. What I say is based on experience. I wouldn't say such things if I didn't have a good reason to tell that. People are completely indoctrinated by the media, the beauty industry, Hollywood, the porn industry, etc. Beauty does not really exist in nature. It is made up. It only exists in people's minds and the beauty standards change all the time.

What I think does not matter to other people. My confidence doesn't matter to other people. I have passed all social skills tests and assertiveness tests. I have been trained and tested. Do I have friends? No. Never had them either. People just don't want to hang out with me. They are aggressive and uncivilized.

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4
(@senoritastephie)

Posted : 05/19/2014 4:00 pm

 

What about people that have anxiety disorders? I guess you're saying they're screwed then, OP. Good job leaving them out.

I have had an anxiety disorder since grade school and have been treated multiple times. For those that do, get help. Read some self-help books, take psychology courses, see a counselor, meditate, exercise, take meds if you have to, etc. It takes time and persistence if you're willing to change, but eventually you'll feel more like a whole person. And it's an everyday thing to control anxiety and all that comes with it (I've had multiple panic attacks in the past, but haven't had one in a few years). I read a self help book everyday for about thirty minutes to help, exercise, and meditate (which was recommended by a therapist). I don't think OP necessarily left people with this disorder out, but it's really what you make of it. I don't think she meant for someone to snap out of something this severe, but to take action even if it takes time to think better about yourself and your situation.

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(@thebigbernard)

Posted : 05/19/2014 5:32 pm

Confidence is a matter of degrees. It's not a black-or-white issue whereupon all your life problems will disappear once you pass a "confidence threshold".

I think the key is to be able to work past the problem. Rather than thinking that you're screwed because of acne/whatever issues, try to think: "What can I do to mitigate or nullify these flaws?". That'll lead you to better places than moping over problems you can't change.

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72
(@alexanderj86)

Posted : 05/19/2014 5:34 pm

 

 

What about people that have anxiety disorders? I guess you're saying they're screwed then, OP. Good job leaving them out.

I have had an anxiety disorder since grade school and have been treated multiple times. For those that do, get help. Read some self-help books, take psychology courses, see a counselor, meditate, exercise, take meds if you have to, etc. It takes time and persistence if you're willing to change, but eventually you'll feel more like a whole person. And it's an everyday thing to control anxiety and all that comes with it (I've had multiple panic attacks in the past, but haven't had one in a few years). I read a self help book everyday for about thirty minutes to help, exercise, and meditate (which was recommended by a therapist). I don't think OP necessarily left people with this disorder out, but it's really what you make of it. I don't think she meant for someone to snap out of something this severe, but to take action even if it takes time to think better about yourself and your situation.

She said that confidence is everything and many people (even after being treated) will not become confident people ever because of an anxiety disorder.

It's not always what you make of it, some things you can't control and it won't get better with time. It's good you responded to treatment but some people have very severe disorders that don't respond, or they might respond kind of but still won't become confident. If they have acne and are not confident then the OP is basically saying they're screwed which is pretty mean. She said "confidence is everything" and some people will never be confident, which leaves them out.

She has been made mean. The blame is not on her, but on our deeply sick, uncivilized and barbaric culture. She just reflects that.

 

Confidence is a matter of degrees. It's not a black-or-white issue whereupon all your life problems will disappear once you pass a "confidence threshold".

I think the key is to be able to work past the problem. Rather than thinking that you're screwed because of acne/whatever issues, try to think: "What can I do to mitigate or nullify these flaws?". That'll lead you to better places than moping over problems you can't change.

Sometimes people really need help. I have been put on long-term support by psychiatry. I will probably stay there for the rest of my life.

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19
(@quietjamie14)

Posted : 05/20/2014 2:26 am

I think confidence is a misused, perhaps overused, word. I agree with the sentiment that confidence is key, but, despite people constantly repeating the mantra that 'confidence is not the same as arrogance/cockiness', in reality few can actually tell the difference - especially when it comes to dating. Arrogant men (and to a lesser extent women) do very well indeed when it comes to attracting the opposite sex.

In my view, it is better to aim for inner peace. I haven't found 'inner peace' as such but in those fleeting moments when I feel peaceful and content with myself and the world it is far easier to feel positivity, creativity, warmth and kindness. When I strive for 'confidence' it too often feels like an act, an act that conforms to society's ideal of an 'alpha' male: selfishness, dominance, control, promiscuity, etc. are not qualities I admire and wish to ape.

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72
(@alexanderj86)

Posted : 05/20/2014 4:06 am

Confidence doesn't matter. Only looks matter.

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(@thebigbernard)

Posted : 05/20/2014 7:45 am

In all fairness, it's not just one thing that makes you attractive. Your facial structure, height, personality, income, sense of humor, etc., all help.

Believe me, I've known some ugly guys (not good-looking guys with some acne, but actually ugly) and they have no issues with dating. One of them is over 6 feet tall, well-built, cocky, and making bank at a Silicon Valley start-up. Obviously, all the women he's been with couldn't care less about his looks.

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144
(@tracy521)

Posted : 05/21/2014 1:55 pm

for me looks are only a small part if you have a good sense of humor and are just a fun person that has a good heart that is all i care about. i would say most women feel the same way they just want a guy that is going to treat them right. if you are good looking and a jerk nobody is going to want to date you anyway that is like the biggest turn off ever.

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(@thebigbernard)

Posted : 05/21/2014 2:13 pm

I pretty much agree. I actually think that the whole "only good-looking people get dates" mentality is nothing more than perception bias. You are naturally more inclined to notice and remember attractive couples than average-looking (or ugly) ones.

Try this experiment: next time you go outside, force yourself to look (without appearing like a creep) at all the couples you see. Soon, you'll realize that most of them are just normal people. They aren't all good-looking. They don't all have flawless skin. They don't all have the best cars/clothes/gadgets. And that's not even including the invisible problems that they might have (like learning disabilities, mental health issues, past traumas, etc).

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(@alexanderj86)

Posted : 05/22/2014 12:39 am

What you guys are saying goes completely against my experiences with people.

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(@thebigbernard)

Posted : 05/22/2014 2:57 am

What were your experiences with people?

 

I have noticeable acne and scarring, yet personally, I've never felt people treated me differently because of it. Whether my face is clear or not, I give people respect and courtesy and they give it back. I guess it's hard for me to imagine since I haven't really experienced what you are describing.

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72
(@alexanderj86)

Posted : 05/22/2014 3:15 am

What were your experiences with people?

 

I have noticeable acne and scarring, yet personally, I've never felt people treated me differently because of it. Whether my face is clear or not, I give people respect and courtesy and they give it back. I guess it's hard for me to imagine since I haven't really experienced what you are describing.

I have been / am treated differently because of acne (one out of more reasons). I have been / am treated as trash.

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144
(@tracy521)

Posted : 05/22/2014 9:15 am

What were your experiences with people?

 

I have noticeable acne and scarring, yet personally, I've never felt people treated me differently because of it. Whether my face is clear or not, I give people respect and courtesy and they give it back. I guess it's hard for me to imagine since I haven't really experienced what you are describing.

totally agree if anything people are even nicer to me now and i find the more i open up about my struggles the more compassionate they are to me. everybody has something and nobody is perfect and the more i look around now i see tons more people with acne and scarring. its so much more common now.

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(@thebigbernard)

Posted : 05/22/2014 5:21 pm

I really hope we don't start a jerks vs. nice guys debate. For what it's worth, none of the guys I know that are in commited relationships were ever jerks. They were normal, sociable, and emotionally healthy dudes.

Come to think of it, I actually haven't met any "alpha-male jerks" in my life before, nor any women who mindlessly fell for those types of guys. Personally I think it's a bit of an imaginary problem (Oh no! The jerks are taking all the women that I wouldn't even have bothered to meet anyway!)

About the whole "people treat you worse with acne" thing, you're not wrong. But why stop there? People can treat you worse for being poor, short, ugly, etc etc... You've brought up lookism. What about heightism, or sexism, or racism? People will judge. It's a fact of life. The onus is on you to teach them to treat you with respect, and not to play into their prejudice by confirming what they originally thought about you.

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(@thebigbernard)

Posted : 05/22/2014 6:11 pm

You do realize I was being sarcastic with my second point right? Plenty of self-proclaimed "nice guys" who never go out to meet women are typically the same type of people to complain about "jerks" online, as you've done above ("Jerks and bad boys are more succesful than nice men").

Also, I never said these types of people don't exist. You're putting words into my mouth. They just don't happen to be a part of my social circle. If they happen to be a part of yours, well, can't say I'm terribly surprised.

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144
(@tracy521)

Posted : 05/22/2014 8:21 pm

Women do prefer nice guys! Now maybe when they are very young its different but when they hit later 20's and 30's all that crap goes out the window! All my single women friends just want a nice guy that will treat them right and be a good husband, father etc. Looks fade so you better have something else to back it up down the road anyway.

leelowe1 liked
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72
(@alexanderj86)

Posted : 05/23/2014 2:07 am

I really hope we don't start a jerks vs. nice guys debate. For what it's worth, none of the guys I know that are in commited relationships were ever jerks. They were normal, sociable, and emotionally healthy dudes.

Come to think of it, I actually haven't met any "alpha-male jerks" in my life before, nor any women who mindlessly fell for those types of guys. Personally I think it's a bit of an imaginary problem (Oh no! The jerks are taking all the women that I wouldn't even have bothered to meet anyway!)

About the whole "people treat you worse with acne" thing, you're not wrong. But why stop there? People can treat you worse for being poor, short, ugly, etc etc... You've brought up lookism. What about heightism, or sexism, or racism? People will judge. It's a fact of life. The onus is on you to teach them to treat you with respect, and not to play into their prejudice by confirming what they originally thought about you.

That's right! They didn't stop there! They also hate me for my clothes, my behaviour, my intelligence, the fact that I am introverted and a bit quiet person, etc. I can assure you, the problems are definitely not imaginary. Also, I am not a self-proclaimed nice guy. I am a nice guy proclaimed by psychiatry. My social skills have been tested and they are absolutely fine. People, who see other people as lesser than themselves, are aggressive, uncivilized barbarians.

 

Women do prefer nice guys! Now maybe when they are very young its different but when they hit later 20's and 30's all that crap goes out the window! All my single women friends just want a nice guy that will treat them right and be a good husband, father etc. Looks fade so you better have something else to back it up down the road anyway.

I don't believe that. I fall in that age range and I am still a virgin. By far most women in that age range already are committed in a relationship. I have even tried datingsites, but I can't lie about my problems and my past on there. I never got any good results with that.

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(@tracy521)

Posted : 05/23/2014 7:52 am

i have a few friends that have tried dating sites and they have had no luck either its tough i am sure of that but you arent the only virgin around. i know a girl that is 39 and a virgin if you ever come to pittsburgh i would totally hook you up with her! she is super nice but her parents made her afraid of the world so she just never has gone down that road but she wants to she just doesnt know how. i also know a guy that is around 41 that is also a virgin and he is also super sweet and kind but i think he gets stuck in the friend zone a lot because he isnt really good at trying to pick up women. i am sure its hard i dont doubt that but if i was single i would be talking to everybody at any opportunity bad skin or not. when i was younger before i met my hubby men never asked me out so i just got used to always having to do it. it worked out though because it made me more outgoing.

you sound like a nice guy but maybe what you need is a chance of scenery. have you ever thought of moving?

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2
(@faceandlms)

Posted : 05/23/2014 9:24 am

I really hope we don't start a jerks vs. nice guys debate. For what it's worth, none of the guys I know that are in commited relationships were ever jerks. They were normal, sociable, and emotionally healthy dudes.

Come to think of it, I actually haven't met any "alpha-male jerks" in my life before, nor any women who mindlessly fell for those types of guys. Personally I think it's a bit of an imaginary problem (Oh no! The jerks are taking all the women that I wouldn't even have bothered to meet anyway!)

About the whole "people treat you worse with acne" thing, you're not wrong. But why stop there? People can treat you worse for being poor, short, ugly, etc etc... You've brought up lookism. What about heightism, or sexism, or racism? People will judge. It's a fact of life. The onus is on you to teach them to treat you with respect, and not to play into their prejudice by confirming what they originally thought about you.

Yes ugly confident guys are creepy or tryhards.

You cant go wrong being good looking. Tall, clear skin, compact midface, and a low dark brown/black norwood 0 hairline.

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14
(@graciemeow)

Posted : 05/24/2014 7:16 am

Let's all face it- for most of us with acne, dating doesn't come easily. Love doesn't come easily.

And no, it's not because we're all 'ugly' or any of that superficial nonsense. It's because we tend to have self-esteem low enough to win a limbo contest. That's the core of the problem. We degrade ourselves, tell ourselves how 'nobody will ever love us', how 'acne is ruining our lives', how 'a social/love life just isn't possible with acne'. And with enough reinforcement from ourselves, it becomes the truth.

If you have ever thought any of these things, stop. Just stop. Please. To put it bluntly: that self-loathing attitude will not get you anywhere in life. I mean, come on, you are the person you will spend every conscious moment with; at least learn to love yourself!

Let me tell you the problem that arises when dating with acne: you sell yourself short. You think you're not good enough. And that means you're not confident. And that's one of the biggest turn-offs a person can have.

In today's world, confidence is everything. Confidence -not to be confused with cockiness- is sexy. It shows that you are a happy individual with self-worth, and who doesn't want to date someone who is happy and secure in themselves? I know I do. Confidence shows you are emotionally and mentally stable in yourself, which is something everyone wants in a partner.

I don't care whether you have glistening, clear skin or a face full of cystic acne, if you don't love yourself, you can not expect somebody else to love you. What I'm trying to say is that before you start looking for somebody to love, start loving yourself. Stop selling yourself short. Stop saying acne is the reason you can't get a boyfriend, can't get friends, can't get a job, etc.

I have acne. I am not conventionally attractive. I am overweight.

Yet I have a boyfriend. I am first in my school's academic rankings. I have friends. I placed first in the violin section of our orchestra. I am in a band.

None of this could have been achieved if I have just given up on myself because I had acne. There was no way I would even have a boyfriend right now if I hadn't been confident in myself. There was no way I would have taken up music if I was afraid of everyone watching me while I performed onstage. I wouldn't have met all the wonderful friends I know now had I spent my days sulking shyly alone rather than being friendly. And it's not easy, I didn't say it was: but it is definitely worth it.

My point: Acne is not the end of your social, romantic, or academic life.Don't give up on yourself or hate yourself, because then you'll find yourself missing all the wonderful opportunities life throws at you and it will be so much harder to enjoy your life.

Be confident. Love yourself. With or without acne, you're still a living, breathing human being deserving of love and self-worth.

when I first opened this post I didn't know what to expect...thought it was going to be something along the lines of 'you won't have a relationship so deal with it'. however, thank you, thank you THANK YOU for this. I have been feeling so torn and awful latley, I've just started a new relationship with someone I've known for a while right when my acne has started to flare up again...this has made it difficult for me to let somebody get close and I've started to push him away... I don't want to do this at all and these words have given me the confidence to carry on with this relationship. Especially "I wouldn't have met all the wonderful friends I know now had I spent my days sulking shyly alone rather than being friendly. And it's not easy, I didn't say it was: but it is definitely worth it." A lot of the time I want to cancel my plans and stay in with cream on my face thinking just one more day will make it better just one more night and I can go out again. this ends NOW. I

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(@wishclean)

Posted : 05/27/2014 2:25 am

I agree with the OP's blunt advice and I wish I could say that it always works but it doesn't. Because many people are superficial and looks-oriented, and even if you love yourself and have confidence, they will still judge you and reject you.

But still, those people are doing you a favor in the long run because who wants to be with a person who mostly judges people on how they look?

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108
(@randall-flagg)

Posted : 05/28/2014 6:49 pm

I think confidence is a misused, perhaps overused, word. I agree with the sentiment that confidence is key, but, despite people constantly repeating the mantra that 'confidence is not the same as arrogance/cockiness', in reality few can actually tell the difference - especially when it comes to dating. Arrogant men (and to a lesser extent women) do very well indeed when it comes to attracting the opposite sex.

In my view, it is better to aim for inner peace. I haven't found 'inner peace' as such but in those fleeting moments when I feel peaceful and content with myself and the world it is far easier to feel positivity, creativity, warmth and kindness. When I strive for 'confidence' it too often feels like an act, an act that conforms to society's ideal of an 'alpha' male: selfishness, dominance, control, promiscuity, etc. are not qualities I admire and wish to ape.

I agree 100% with Jamie's post here. Based purely on life experience (my own personal life experience) this rings especially true. It's so easy to tell someone "be confident" like it's a switch you're capable of toggling in your head whenever you desire. It's not. You'll notice in this modern day society that an arrogant male who is rude as hell has no problem at all getting a girlfriend. I will never be that person. I don't WANT to be that person. I'm not willing to change myself and betray my personality just because that's what some girls find attractive. Do I want a relationship? Absolutely. Am I going to put on an act and be an asshole to obtain that relationship? Nah. I'll pass.

I'll be honest when I say that I hate modern dating. Everything about it seems flawed to me. We live in an image obsessed world where some of the most negative personality traits are considered "hot" or "sexy."

I have no desire to be a douche bag "alpha male" no matter how sexy or attractive that persona is. It's not me...and even if it means I'll be single for eternity, I really don't give a shit.

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(@Anonymous)

Posted : 05/28/2014 11:31 pm

@TemperateCent I like your style.

But in all seriousness, I hate talking to women the most. I'm a female. I find that bimbo girls tend to just stare at your face and won't even listen to you, they are busy trying to understand how your skin got the way it is. Some men don't care, while some douchebags do. It's hard finding decent people sometimes, just because people haven't experienced it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. So of course I always have an open mind and hope that I will find someone who does respect and is empathetic about certain situations.

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