You are hilarious. I am excited to go through this at the same time as you, because your posts make me laugh and bring light to this situation. I am in Canada and we do not have to go through half of what the people in the states do. I was able to pick up my prescription the day after my blood work. Not sure what it is like in the UK, but likely more similar to here than the States, I would think.

Alright - time to kick this acne in the butt and get on with our lives!!!

Hey Kim haha thanks!!! Currently in derm's waiting room at a quarter past EARLY in the morning with a bladder full to bursting because I know I'm gonna have to pee in a little paper cup soon. Good times haha. Hope you are getting on well

DAY 1!!!!!

Soooo excited!!! I went into derm's and ALL THE GREASE was pumping. The derm looked taken aback/horrified by ALL THE GREASE. All my spots glistened like big yellow marbles. This pleased me, greatly. He had originally said a low dose but today I was prescribed 40mg. I'm 5"6 and 110lbs. I collected the medication at the hospital pharmacy, then took the pills as soon as I got to my car. Then I got out and did a short, determined impromptu dance in the carpark with a half eaten sandwich in my mouth ( I ate a cheese sandwich to help absorb the pills, hopefully it will suffice). I've waited soooo long for this!!!! On the train to university now and so excited. I think I'll take my tablet each morning on the train. It's when I organise my day, check I have matching shoes on etc.So literally and metaphorically I'm on the TANE TRAIN choo chooooo

DAY 1: EVENING

Ok so my lips are saturated in Carmex. They were very dry before starting Accutane because it is sooooo windy and freezing here and I am paranoid. The last time on Accutane I forgot to apply it for an evening and a day when I stayed at a friend's house and I woke up and my whole bottom lip came off. I mean wtf, it was lip shaped and everything!!!! I don't know if it's coincidence but this evening I have 5 new gross white head pimples. I tried to resist, but couldn't. They exploded like shit filled fireworks. It was so gross but kind of impressive. I won't do it again. I don't want scarring

When I went off the pill the first thing that came back was the oiliness, even before the acne. I was going through a whole pack of those blotting papers a day. So at least now I'm saving trees with my dry, flaky wasteland. Yet another benefit of Accutane.

Congrats on getting your meds.

Good luck with your course.

Hiya Ciara,

Your log has made me laugh! I guess you must be super excited to be on the Roaccutane!

I've been on it now for 4 weeks and am in the UK, and I think i've noticed a difference in my skin. I had quite mild acne to begin with but I had tried literally everything under the sun - antibiotics, topical creams, chemical peels, red and blue light therapy - the lot. I think it was because of this that my GP referred me to a dermatologist (NHS) but the waiting list was something like 2 months, and because I have suffered from severe anxiety in the past ..I was a bit like ..I MUST see someone sooner. I have been to see several "private" dermatologists before because they had a "free" consultation - turns out the "dermatologist" was basically a glorified nurse who could prescribe! I spent hundreds of pounds on treatments and things that never worked. At the beginning of November I ended up seeing this actual, real life certified (private) dermatologist, so I paid for the privilege, but we spoke to for almost an hour about going on the Roaccutane and the implications, side effects, benefits etc and did I know what I was doing. I was so adamant though that I wanted to be on it that i'd almost conditioned myself that I HAD to go on it and nothing else would do.

I have suffered from anxiety for roughly a year and most of it, I take out on my skin. I pick and pick and pick and it's not good. I leave myself with huge open sores that never seem to heal and the private derms view was that if I went on Roaccutane, it would take away the actual bumps and lumps etc that were there to pick, i'd stop. And in part he was right as really, in the past 2 weeks since i've noticed a bit of a difference, i've only had one bump to pick. But my god did I pick that last week, and now i've given myself impetigo and ended up with a huge gaping fleshy hole on my face.

I'm sat at work today and the anxiety is really bad! Currently sat here typing this wanting to pack it all in and go home!!

I am beginning to notice some side effects at the beginning of my 5th week - my lips are reeeally dry like ALL the time. I am feeling my anxiety getting more and more severe and this is not good, for me anyway. I also seem to be getting a 'burning' like sensation when i'm using other products so I may have to tone this down. Also, (randomly!), I have started having bleeding gums every time I eat or do my teeth ..this has only been in the last couple of days though so it *may* be an isolated incident. Also - most importantly! - at my monthly blood tests, they told me my white blood cell count was 2.5 when it's supposed to be somewhere between 4 and 11. Apparently a low WBC is another side effect!

I went to see an NHS derm about 2 weeks ago (they had a cancellation and managed to get me in quite quickly - this was after i'd already been on Roaccutane for a week) - and she told me that if i'd been to see her first - she wouldn't have put me on the drug.

It's a lose/lose at the minute for me I feel - the picking is a serious problem and my skin is looking better but the side effects are beginning to take their toll and it's the increased feeling of anxiety that i'm beginning to take most notice of!

I wish you luck!

Katie XX

Good luck with your course.

Hey JJ, thanks so much, I appreciate it

Hiya Ciara,

Your log has made me laugh! I guess you must be super excited to be on the Roaccutane!

I've been on it now for 4 weeks and am in the UK, and I think i've noticed a difference in my skin. I had quite mild acne to begin with but I had tried literally everything under the sun - antibiotics, topical creams, chemical peels, red and blue light therapy - the lot. I think it was because of this that my GP referred me to a dermatologist (NHS) but the waiting list was something like 2 months, and because I have suffered from severe anxiety in the past ..I was a bit like ..I MUST see someone sooner. I have been to see several "private" dermatologists before because they had a "free" consultation - turns out the "dermatologist" was basically a glorified nurse who could prescribe! I spent hundreds of pounds on treatments and things that never worked. At the beginning of November I ended up seeing this actual, real life certified (private) dermatologist, so I paid for the privilege, but we spoke to for almost an hour about going on the Roaccutane and the implications, side effects, benefits etc and did I know what I was doing. I was so adamant though that I wanted to be on it that i'd almost conditioned myself that I HAD to go on it and nothing else would do.

I have suffered from anxiety for roughly a year and most of it, I take out on my skin. I pick and pick and pick and it's not good. I leave myself with huge open sores that never seem to heal and the private derms view was that if I went on Roaccutane, it would take away the actual bumps and lumps etc that were there to pick, i'd stop. And in part he was right as really, in the past 2 weeks since i've noticed a bit of a difference, i've only had one bump to pick. But my god did I pick that last week, and now i've given myself impetigo and ended up with a huge gaping fleshy hole on my face.

I'm sat at work today and the anxiety is really bad! Currently sat here typing this wanting to pack it all in and go home!!

I am beginning to notice some side effects at the beginning of my 5th week - my lips are reeeally dry like ALL the time. I am feeling my anxiety getting more and more severe and this is not good, for me anyway. I also seem to be getting a 'burning' like sensation when i'm using other products so I may have to tone this down. Also, (randomly!), I have started having bleeding gums every time I eat or do my teeth ..this has only been in the last couple of days though so it *may* be an isolated incident. Also - most importantly! - at my monthly blood tests, they told me my white blood cell count was 2.5 when it's supposed to be somewhere between 4 and 11. Apparently a low WBC is another side effect!

I went to see an NHS derm about 2 weeks ago (they had a cancellation and managed to get me in quite quickly - this was after i'd already been on Roaccutane for a week) - and she told me that if i'd been to see her first - she wouldn't have put me on the drug.

It's a lose/lose at the minute for me I feel - the picking is a serious problem and my skin is looking better but the side effects are beginning to take their toll and it's the increased feeling of anxiety that i'm beginning to take most notice of!

I wish you luck!

Katie XX

Hey Katie! Thanks for your message. OMG it's crazy how much I identify with you. The ANXIETY has been ruining my life for quite some time. Hyperventilating etc, thinking I going to faint and have a heart attack and that I couldn't go out the door. Walk into a shopping centre and going to pass out, cold sweat and paralysing fear. Inabilty to move my legs in a coherent fashion!!!! I think other people call it walking!!! I totally understand you on this. It's horrible isn't it? Totally debilitating. I went to my GP and told her I thought I had something wrong with my heart because it felt like it was going to explode and it was beating so irregularly and violently. She told me it was anxiety ( I didn't know how to explain it without her thinking I was crazy but she was great) and put me on great medication to manage it. At first I thought "no way, it can't work. This anxiety is SHEER TERROR, nothing can touch it" I tried the medication and it gave me SUCH quality of life. I couldn't have started university this year without it. My skin is A HUGE CONTRIBUTING FACTOR (woahh Ciara with the caps, stop shouting at Katie lol) to my anxiety. I look in the mirror and cry a lot. Then I feel guilty because there are people with big life problems out there. But this is huge for me. I am a prisoner of acne. But Accuane is my Great Escape!! I AM Steven McQueen!!! Let's burrow out together!!!! I would chat to your consultant about your symptoms. Bleeding gums are sometimes a very common occurance for people but for others it is highly unusual. It's always best though to veer on the side of caution and consult an expert. agree with you re NHS. It's a disgrace. I begged and begged and BEGGED. Then I went private. I guess money talks. It's sad. Is there any way you could try some aversion therapy to stop picking? I don't know about it, but eg people who wear elastic bands around wrists and snap it when they are about to do a thing their mind tells them to do but they also know they shouldn't? Maybe your GP could refer you to for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. Again on NHS you will wait 10 years and 4 days. Private, maybe a decade less. Katie you remind me SO much of me that it is actually crazy. I know how you feel and you are not alone xxxx

When I went off the pill the first thing that came back was the oiliness, even before the acne. I was going through a whole pack of those blotting papers a day. So at least now I'm saving trees with my dry, flaky wasteland. Yet another benefit of Accutane.

Congrats on getting your meds.

Thanks Kim! Hope you are well. Yeah that was the same with me when I was on the pill. I noticed only a slight reduction with it, and the oil came back with a vengenance. The oil is always waiting!!! It's a lurker. Every night I clean face and jump into bed and hope maybe this will be the night I "grow out of this" lol. I wake up and it's deep fried face in the mirror!!! Each morning I see the oil, my head sings the lyrics of Simon and Garfunkel: "Hello Darkness my old friend, I've come to talk with you again, cuz a vision softly creeping left it's seeds when I was sleeping" OMG the oil is talking to me. It's saturated my brain. Although I do like the song

Hiya Ciara,

Your log has made me laugh! I guess you must be super excited to be on the Roaccutane!

I've been on it now for 4 weeks and am in the UK, and I think i've noticed a difference in my skin. I had quite mild acne to begin with but I had tried literally everything under the sun - antibiotics, topical creams, chemical peels, red and blue light therapy - the lot. I think it was because of this that my GP referred me to a dermatologist (NHS) but the waiting list was something like 2 months, and because I have suffered from severe anxiety in the past ..I was a bit like ..I MUST see someone sooner. I have been to see several "private" dermatologists before because they had a "free" consultation - turns out the "dermatologist" was basically a glorified nurse who could prescribe! I spent hundreds of pounds on treatments and things that never worked. At the beginning of November I ended up seeing this actual, real life certified (private) dermatologist, so I paid for the privilege, but we spoke to for almost an hour about going on the Roaccutane and the implications, side effects, benefits etc and did I know what I was doing. I was so adamant though that I wanted to be on it that i'd almost conditioned myself that I HAD to go on it and nothing else would do.

I have suffered from anxiety for roughly a year and most of it, I take out on my skin. I pick and pick and pick and it's not good. I leave myself with huge open sores that never seem to heal and the private derms view was that if I went on Roaccutane, it would take away the actual bumps and lumps etc that were there to pick, i'd stop. And in part he was right as really, in the past 2 weeks since i've noticed a bit of a difference, i've only had one bump to pick. But my god did I pick that last week, and now i've given myself impetigo and ended up with a huge gaping fleshy hole on my face.

I'm sat at work today and the anxiety is really bad! Currently sat here typing this wanting to pack it all in and go home!!

I am beginning to notice some side effects at the beginning of my 5th week - my lips are reeeally dry like ALL the time. I am feeling my anxiety getting more and more severe and this is not good, for me anyway. I also seem to be getting a 'burning' like sensation when i'm using other products so I may have to tone this down. Also, (randomly!), I have started having bleeding gums every time I eat or do my teeth ..this has only been in the last couple of days though so it *may* be an isolated incident. Also - most importantly! - at my monthly blood tests, they told me my white blood cell count was 2.5 when it's supposed to be somewhere between 4 and 11. Apparently a low WBC is another side effect!

I went to see an NHS derm about 2 weeks ago (they had a cancellation and managed to get me in quite quickly - this was after i'd already been on Roaccutane for a week) - and she told me that if i'd been to see her first - she wouldn't have put me on the drug.

It's a lose/lose at the minute for me I feel - the picking is a serious problem and my skin is looking better but the side effects are beginning to take their toll and it's the increased feeling of anxiety that i'm beginning to take most notice of!

I wish you luck!

Katie XX

Katie, what are you using for your lips? Elizabeth Arden 8 hour cream is amazing!!! It resurrected my lips from looking like half chewed filo pastry to healthy fat slugs in no time. I'm using carmex at the minute and haven't noticed any dryness (albeit I'm on day 2 lol!!!!) and it has a nice fuzzy menthol buzziness about it. I think I'll get Betty Arden too, to be on the safe side

Whoa, those last few posts were quite an emotional rollercoaster of a read for me! Thanks so much to Katie and Ciara for sharing.

I have had many issues with dysmorphia and I had/have an awesome eating disorder to go with my acne (control what you can, right).

I also had a lot of picking issues the first time I went through what I would call serious acne. The picking never makes you feel better, it's just a way to get out your anger. My eating disorder was another way, and I never realized at the time how much it was related to the acne. Prior to my first course of Accutane I was seeing a psychiatrist and taking anti-depression meds.

For a long time I was convinced that the acne and the depression/anxiety were two separate things. But when the acne went away I didn't need the meds or the counseling anymore - I was able to maintain a normal weight and I was happy. Now, certainly, many people do need to take these meds clear skin or no, but for me, my depression was entirely resolved after my skin cleared up. I was sort of shocked, because I thought the sadness was just a part of me, but as it turns out, it was completely linked to the acne. Throughout my nine years with clear skin I had little to no issues with depression or anxiety. I didn't pick at my skin anymore, and I no longer obsessed over what I ate.

So this last bout with the demon acne has rocked me to the core. I thought I was 'cured', and now I know that I am not, and that it can suddenly, without much warning, reappear at any time (at least for me). The depression and anxiety are back, and the only thing keeping them at bay is my belief that this round of Accutane will likely work at least for a while and give me some peace. I have had a couple bad moments of rage picking, but the reminder scars from 10 years ago help me to try and stop it. It also helps that I have a child now, because I can't just lock myself in a bathroom for hours and stare at every little thing.

Acne is such a beast. It has devastated large portions of my life. The only up side that I can tell is that I have a great deal of empathy for others who go through this, and I am thankful for every day that I don't have a painful cyst.

I never had a support group the first time like I seem to have here, now, and it has been so helpful. This situation can make you feel so isolated. This month alone I skipped my book club and my staff Christmas party to avoid people seeing me. I am so afraid that I won't have the success with Accutane that I had last time, and I will be like this forever, just watching myself accumulate scars and sadness. Sorry for such a long post, but I was really moved by what Katie and you wrote.

This re-living of my worst fear is terrible.

Because the vision that was planted in my brain still remains.

Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences. It is really refreshing to read other people's experiences and realise i'm not alone in feeling like this. I work in a school and I walk round every day with massive red open sores on my face that I have picked and it literally seems that everyone around me has the most purest, clearest skin i've ever seen!

Until I discovered various blogs etc, I thought I was a massive freak for feeling the way I did. In Sept Nov 2011 I was signed off worth with stress and I went home for a couple of weeks. I then ended up quitting my job in recruitment altogether - I'd worked there for 18months and lived in Birmingham. My GP put me on anti-depressants, I went home over last Christmas for a few weeks and thought I was "better" when I returned to Birmingham in Jan 2012. I had several recruitment job interviews lined up and ended up getting offered all of them. The night before I started the one I chose, I was an absolute mess. It felt like my heart was going to beat so hard it would come out of my chest! I was hot and cold, sobbing, throwing things around. I couldn't control myself. I then went at my face in the mirror and pulled at all my skin. Even skin that had no spots or acne there, I went at it. I would use tweezers to basically try and scratch the surface of the skin off. Ciara you were right - I felt like I was letting out all my anger and anxiety but it was all for a momentary release, but for what?! 30 seconds later I would look at my bleeding face in the mirror and the cycle would begin all over again. Eventually, I did a day at the new recruitment job and couldn't cope. Fortunately, I had a very nice boyfriend who basically told me that no matter what I did, I would not push him away. My GP kept me signed off whilst I started CBT - I genuinely believe that CBT saved my life. I began seeing Helena my psychologist, CBT lady whatever you want to call her, in February of this year. I went through a stage where I didn't even leave my flat for 3 weeks straight. This was a really low point for me. It took my best friend basically dragging me out of my flat to begin my life again! I made baby steps of going out for walks, going to do the food shop. I still couldn't go shopping, out for lunch, dinner etc, I didn't see friend for months at a time. This is where I think you put it perfectly:

I look in the mirror and cry a lot. Then I feel guilty because there are people with big life problems out there. But this is huge for me. I am a prisoner of acne.

Whoa, those last few posts were quite an emotional rollercoaster of a read for me! Thanks so much to Katie and Ciara for sharing.

I have had many issues with dysmorphia and I had/have an awesome eating disorder to go with my acne (control what you can, right).

I also had a lot of picking issues the first time I went through what I would call serious acne. The picking never makes you feel better, it's just a way to get out your anger. My eating disorder was another way, and I never realized at the time how much it was related to the acne. Prior to my first course of Accutane I was seeing a psychiatrist and taking anti-depression meds.

For a long time I was convinced that the acne and the depression/anxiety were two separate things. But when the acne went away I didn't need the meds or the counseling anymore - I was able to maintain a normal weight and I was happy. Now, certainly, many people do need to take these meds clear skin or no, but for me, my depression was entirely resolved after my skin cleared up. I was sort of shocked, because I thought the sadness was just a part of me, but as it turns out, it was completely linked to the acne. Throughout my nine years with clear skin I had little to no issues with depression or anxiety. I didn't pick at my skin anymore, and I no longer obsessed over what I ate.

So this last bout with the demon acne has rocked me to the core. I thought I was 'cured', and now I know that I am not, and that it can suddenly, without much warning, reappear at any time (at least for me). The depression and anxiety are back, and the only thing keeping them at bay is my belief that this round of Accutane will likely work at least for a while and give me some peace. I have had a couple bad moments of rage picking, but the reminder scars from 10 years ago help me to try and stop it. It also helps that I have a child now, because I can't just lock myself in a bathroom for hours and stare at every little thing.

Acne is such a beast. It has devastated large portions of my life. The only up side that I can tell is that I have a great deal of empathy for others who go through this, and I am thankful for every day that I don't have a painful cyst.

I never had a support group the first time like I seem to have here, now, and it has been so helpful. This situation can make you feel so isolated. This month alone I skipped my book club and my staff Christmas party to avoid people seeing me. I am so afraid that I won't have the success with Accutane that I had last time, and I will be like this forever, just watching myself accumulate scars and sadness. Sorry for such a long post, but I was really moved by what Katie and you wrote.

This re-living of my worst fear is terrible.

Because the vision that was planted in my brain still remains.

Kim, I identified with everything you said. I was bulimic and addicted to exercise for many years. It was the one thing I had, that as you right say, where I could exercise control. I was obsessed. I couldn't be in a room if there was food being cooked, because I thought inhaling the fumes could make me put on weight. I became depressed from a young age, around about the time my skin started go cray cray. I had major issues with body image very early on too. I remember when I was 13 or so, seeing my reflection in the back of a mirrored cabinet. If I looked in the corner of this cabinet, where the two mirrors reflected, I could see my true image, not a reflection. I believed that this was totally different in appearance to the reflection and that the mirror basically lying to me. On jaw looked bigger than the other, one eye was higher than the other and one nostril was larger than the other. I took a ruler and measured it all and was devastated. I remember also that day the sun was shining, showing every crevice, lump and imperfection in my face. I felt subhuman and continued to feel that way forever. Since then I refused to be in photographs. For about 15 years, according to our photo album, I haven't existed within our family. I couldn't. It took so much of my time, energy and pain to feel this way. Every morning to wake and realise I had another day to get through feeling like this was unbearable. I would cry each night before bed and pray my ass off to wake up and somehow look different in the morning. I would say to God "I don't need to be pretty, just let me look normal." My anxiety and depression are intrinsically linked with my acne. There is no question. I hate sunshine if I am in public, as it shows the detailed mess my face is. I love it when it rains. I can put the umbrella over my head and walk and pretend I look ok. I love the shadow the umbrella casts on my face. It is draining. When doctors say to me "your skin isn't that bad" I wish that they could feel the terror of walking into a shop or a room full of people with a face full of acne and oil, staring at the ground, heart hammering, shaking and sweating and wishing I was safe at home in my room with the door locked. Yeah it's not THAT BAD, IT'S F*UCKING HELL ON EARTH. Sorry for my rant. I'm generally quite positive, but when I open up the pain a little, I tend to fall in and drown. Thanks for your sharing Kim, it helps me so much I can't even tell you. I'm not alone

Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences. It is really refreshing to read other people's experiences and realise i'm not alone in feeling like this. I work in a school and I walk round every day with massive red open sores on my face that I have picked and it literally seems that everyone around me has the most purest, clearest skin i've ever seen!

Until I discovered various blogs etc, I thought I was a massive freak for feeling the way I did. In Sept Nov 2011 I was signed off worth with stress and I went home for a couple of weeks. I then ended up quitting my job in recruitment altogether - I'd worked there for 18months and lived in Birmingham. My GP put me on anti-depressants, I went home over last Christmas for a few weeks and thought I was "better" when I returned to Birmingham in Jan 2012. I had several recruitment job interviews lined up and ended up getting offered all of them. The night before I started the one I chose, I was an absolute mess. It felt like my heart was going to beat so hard it would come out of my chest! I was hot and cold, sobbing, throwing things around. I couldn't control myself. I then went at my face in the mirror and pulled at all my skin. Even skin that had no spots or acne there, I went at it. I would use tweezers to basically try and scratch the surface of the skin off. Ciara you were right - I felt like I was letting out all my anger and anxiety but it was all for a momentary release, but for what?! 30 seconds later I would look at my bleeding face in the mirror and the cycle would begin all over again. Eventually, I did a day at the new recruitment job and couldn't cope. Fortunately, I had a very nice boyfriend who basically told me that no matter what I did, I would not push him away. My GP kept me signed off whilst I started CBT - I genuinely believe that CBT saved my life. I began seeing Helena my psychologist, CBT lady whatever you want to call her, in February of this year. I went through a stage where I didn't even leave my flat for 3 weeks straight. This was a really low point for me. It took my best friend basically dragging me out of my flat to begin my life again! I made baby steps of going out for walks, going to do the food shop. I still couldn't go shopping, out for lunch, dinner etc, I didn't see friend for months at a time. This is where I think you put it perfectly:

I look in the mirror and cry a lot. Then I feel guilty because there are people with big life problems out there. But this is huge for me. I am a prisoner of acne.

This is EXACTLY how I felt!! I ended up deciding to leave Birmingham behind and my boyfriend and I moved into a flat together in Worcester in May. I decided to go into teaching, applied for a job at a school and out of 80 people, actually got it! I started in September. I found the first 6 weeks the hardest of my life. Everyday even to get out of bed and get to work was a battle. I would spend minutes on end in the staff loo looking at myself in the mirror and scraping off whatever was on my face. I still tried everything I could in terms of things for my face - I even succumbed to buying a blue light machine for 300 ...my recommendation is do not do this!!!

In terms of therapy I have been having CBT since Feb ..I have it about once a month now. I mainly saw Helena for my anxiety but we did address the skin picking and she taught me every technique she could but I was still doing it, and it was then she suggested I go to hypnotherapy. It was again, bloody expensive, but I can now go about 3 days without picking and for me, this is a major accomplishment!!

I genuinely think that perfection is having clear skin. I wonder though if that is because I have suffered so long from being what I see as "imperfect"? Like Kim says, I also genuinely think that if I had clear skin not only would my life be "perfect" but I would also be anxiety free!

I am literally placing all my eggs in one basket with the Roaccutane. I can honestly say I don't think i've ever wanted anything to work so much in my entire life. Like you, I would LOVE to wear my hair up, talk directly to people's faces and wear make-up! God I used to wear so much make-up, make myself look like a doll ..and now, I wear not a scrap on my skin except mascara.

Kiara in terms of my lips ..my boyfriend has dealings with a company called "Forever Living" and they deal mainly with Aloe Vera products. I have been using one of the Aloe Vera chapsticks that he has and it has been brilliant!!! It has been keeping my lips nice and moisturised. Good old Vaseline has been trusted too! I wonder if my latest anxiety has been down to the drugs? But then I know that there have never been any proven scientific studies that show that the two are linked. As my private dermo says - of all the hundreds of thousands of people who are on Roaccutane, some are bound to be depressed before going on the drug! Have you come across this at all?

Kim thanks for sharing your experience - it sounds like the 9 years that you were acne free were the best you could have hoped for! I am however sorry it has returned. Is there anything that changed in your life recently that triggered it? I have read that acne can come back despite people being on Roaccutane and that it does go a second time so I really really hope you have success again. I was like you, in terms of not going out etc because of my skin but what CBT taught me is that really ...people don't care what I look like! EVERYONE gets spots. Some people have birthmarks, burns, permanent injuries and really, do we judge them?? No course not. Try and place this sort of view out of yourself and onto others. No one is going to judge you, (what Helena used to say) - people have way more important things to worry about than my face!! Have you ever thought about trying CBT??

I am tired of being a slave to the acne and the anxiety. I know that with blogs and posts from people like us sharing the same experiences it eases my anxiety and (don't want this to sound silly) but it makes me take a deep breath and think ..."Katie you are not weird, other people do feel like this".

Katie XX

Thanks for this Katie, this helped me greatly. I feel for you so much. Your pain is intense and it's not fair. I relate to sooooooooooooo much of what you said I don't know where to begin. We are so similar it's crazy. Slave to acne as you say describes it so aptly. I too am putting all my hopes in Roaccutane. I actually feel proud of us that we have some hope left. Hope has always been painful for me. We still dare to hope and this is great. I truly believe that for you, Kim and I, this is going to work. It has to and it WILL. Day 3 of Roaccutane for me and this journey has been intense. I thought it would be all about what was happening on my face, but so far it's been about what's going on between my two ears. After reading what you and Kim have written and getting some stuff out there myself, I feel better. A lot. To reach acceptance of all of this would be great for me, and I think and hope (there's that word again!!!!) that this will happen for us all. Katie, you are definitely not weird and I feel exactly the same. I feel very grateful to have been chatting with you and Kim, the support has been unreal. Thanks so much

DAY 3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Face still pumping oil like crazy. This will change though, so knock yourself out acne, work away. You're impressing no one and making a fool of yourself. 5 new spots on face, and a cluster of about the same number on my neck. Fabulous scarf will sort out neck. Nice try acne, you sheer dickhead. Hair / invisibility shield will be strategically positioned to cover the chin. I may look like a bearded lady, but I'll rock it. It's a war zone. Acne puts up a good fight but I'm in this 'til the end. I claim this face! It's MINE.

Mood: Changeable. This is nothing to do with Accutane. The sharing with other members opened up a lot of pain which was necessary in beginning to heal the mind. It needs to recover as well, if not more than, the face! I feel grateful for this, and for this chance.

DAY 5!!!

OIL. Huile. . Aceite. Ol. Olio. . . yagi. oleo. .

Face is covered in ALL THE GREASE as per. PUMP PUMP PUMP. This is one major oil spillage today. This is Acne Valdez. Hair also dripping with same. I look simply fabuloooussss. One new large whitehead. This one is strange. It seems to be totally encapsulated in a thin pouch of skin. It's hard to describe. It's an oddly fascinating beast and I am enjoying staring at it. All I can say is that Accutane definitely alters the integrity of the skin and the nature and appearance of the crap within it. It's neither worse nor better. My lips are slathered, saturated, immersed in Carmex. Last night I woke up twice at ungodly hours and reapplied it. The only dryness is on the back of my right wrist. It became itchy in the middle of the night and in a sleep induced fug of confusion, I applied Carmex there too. Worked well. Pale white, non itchy, barely noticeable lumpettes remain.

Oh dear. I surely dread something like this happening... my hair and face are already oily. Oh well... one more adjustment if it happens. Hopefully this will end for you soon.

Although I am clearly still breaking out, I found the grease monster was the first thing to die. Within the first couple weeks I noticed a huge reduction in oil. I found an UNOPENED pack of blotting papers in my bag a couple days ago, which made me happy. My worst oilies are on my chin and nose. I am touching the bottom of my chin right now (not too much - don't want to get a zit there, ha ha!), and it is smooth and oil free. So lovely. I will take a little flaky over oily any day.

So I will send my oil free vibes your way.

DIE SEBUM GLANDS! YOU ARE USELESS AND WE SHOULD HAVE EVOLVED OUT OF YOU BY NOW!

I bet they will start to shrivel up and surrender by X-Mas.

Also glad to have someone else who talks about how completely odd the zits you get on Accutane are. The whitehead/cyst thing I have on my cheek is the strangest thing I have ever seen, except for the one I had on my chin last week, lol.

DAY 11!!!!!!!!!!! (Happy belated Christmas, ho ho ho et al)

ALL THE GREASE is................... LIKE AN OLEAGINOUS SECOND HAND SALESMAN.......PERSISTANT, UNRELENTING AND OFFERING ME ALL THE SHINE I NEED PLUS 150% MORE FREEEE. Hopefully this will be a limited time deal.

Many painful, large, albeit intriguing, acneic festive baubles appeared on my skin for Christmas. It was weird. One minute I look (well in reality I STARE, I SCRUTINISE) and my skin had a certain amount of acne and oil, 10 minutes later I stalk the mirror again, and these huge beasts appear like "heeyyyy, merry Christmas, room at the table for a few more? buwahahah". The most peculiar of these was on my chin. It was huge. Wide and raised raised to a cone shape. It reminded me of a Walnut Whip. I poked it. It went off like a sprinkler system. It wept for a hour or so. I felt like doing the same. Then, the exudate formed the largest, most SOLID (I COULDN'T BREAK IT. I TRIED. VIGOROUSLY.) sheet of pointed amber rock. It was huge. What to do?? That was Christmas Eve. I had to go to the bank that day, and I was afraid to persist in my attempts to rip it off my face, because the amber seemed lodged to my skin, akin to an impacted meteorite and I didn't want to leave a crater. As a result I acted not unlike a potential criminal in the bank. I was shifty, anxious, kept glancing at the teller, the other people, the clock, the exit. I was so self conscious. I had a scarf practically covering my mouth and the invisibility shield was up to the maximum. I was cousin It from the Adams Family and I looked like I was about to rob the place (Ironically, I wanted to make a lodgement).

No drying of lips or any adverse symptoms. I am obsessive about the Carmex application. I have developed a lot of acne on my back, and REALLY weird sheets of skin over my shoulders, collar bone and neck. It is really bumpy, under the skin tiny, tiny lumps and is soooo rough. But it's fine as long as it's not on my face, I don't care. Overall the whole situation isn't annoying me at the minute, because I am home from university until term starts in February, so apart from January exams, I don't have to see anyone except family and close friends. This is comfort and is helping me immensely. However, this is no real way to live. I know this.

This was my bank face

LOVE your log. I sat here and giggled my way through this last entry. You have quite the way with words.

Ciara, you make acne fun, which is probably the most impossible thing in the world to do, so that is some serious power.

The part about the shifty eyes cracked me up. When my IB was at it's worst I went to the mall to buy more serious foundation, and it was so embarrassing. I spent most of the time trying to avoid looking at the lady as I asked her for the 'camouflage' makeup. Yep, that's right, just make it so I blend into the background and no one notices me, please. I kept acting like my kid was asking me something, even though he was just twirling himself about in the makeup chair as happy as a lark.

Don't worry, your greasies will give up soon. I think I am actually starting to see some progress over here. It's faint, but I swear I saw a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel.

Nice that you have some time off! I am still considering taking a medical leave from work for January, but if things continue the way they are, I might be okay. Hoping 2014 is all about healing, because 2013 was all about falling apart.

Hi guys, apologies for my lack of blogness lately, I broke up forms school (I work in one) on the 20th, and have been so busy with Xmas and family stuff, I've hardly been on!

My journey seems to be going okay ..only had one serious acne spot to worry about, but obviously being the way I am ..I ripped it off my face as quickly as I could and dug and dug and I'm left with an almighty beauty of a scab to keep me company this holiday!

Ciara keep going. The grease WILL go and I've found with the Roaccutane that things get worse before they get better so keep soldiering on. I think you'll notice after 6 weeks of being on it, a real improvement. I too am off work until the 6th Jan so am taking this time to rest, heal and relax; it is much needed!

My white blood cell count is apparently as low as someone on chemotherapy at the minute! So I am making sure I am re cooperating as much as possible as I know that if i don't, there's no way they'll keep me on the roaccutane next time I see the derm (the 6th Jan). I also had my first smear test results back and hey we're abnormal and have been in and out of the hospital already twice for operations to sort that out!

Some people get all the luck aye!

Kim I totally agree - 2014 is the year of healing!

Happy new year everyone if I don't hear from you before XX

Hi guys, apologies for my lack of blogness lately, I broke up forms school (I work in one) on the 20th, and have been so busy with Xmas and family stuff, I've hardly been on!

My journey seems to be going okay ..only had one serious acne spot to worry about, but obviously being the way I am ..I ripped it off my face as quickly as I could and dug and dug and I'm left with an almighty beauty of a scab to keep me company this holiday!

Ciara keep going. The grease WILL go and I've found with the Roaccutane that things get worse before they get better so keep soldiering on. I think you'll notice after 6 weeks of being on it, a real improvement. I too am off work until the 6th Jan so am taking this time to rest, heal and relax; it is much needed!

My white blood cell count is apparently as low as someone on chemotherapy at the minute! So I am making sure I am re cooperating as much as possible as I know that if i don't, there's no way they'll keep me on the roaccutane next time I see the derm (the 6th Jan). I also had my first smear test results back and hey we're abnormal and have been in and out of the hospital already twice for operations to sort that out!

Some people get all the luck aye!

Kim I totally agree - 2014 is the year of healing!

Happy new year everyone if I don't hear from you before XX

Katie!! Great to hear from you!! That's awful about the WBC count!!! Total shit on a plate!!! I soo hope it increases for you by 6th January!!! Enjoy your time off and please God it will all work out ok for you and you get to continue your course!!! Sending all the positive vibes to you from Ireland and with this crazy wind we are having (the sky has some major digestion issues at the moment) they are sure to reach you ASAP. 80mph GALE FORCE HUG coming at you!!!! xxx

DAY 13 and 14 DOUBLE BILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need to curb the number of exclamation marks, I know. I'm also going to try and do a complete entry without the use of UPPER CASE LETTERS!!!! Starting from now.

So yesterday I did something probably a little bit totally fucking dumb. I got my eyebrows tattooed. They look great, but I dreamt that my forehead split open, leaving an oily, leathery, knobbly flap precariously dangling from my scalp. I also saw all the roots of my spots in the gaping mess of forehead flesh. It looked like a subway system. It was so REAL real and scary!!!!!!!! In reality, nothing has happened to the skin integrity as far as I can see, but it was a stupid thing to do whilst on this tablet, given how delicate it makes the skin. I haven't noticed anything wrong with the brow area yet but I am concerned. I totally didn't think!! It was thee most random thing I've ever done. I also got my hair coloured at the same time, and noticed my scalp felt slightly irritated by the hair dye, which never happens.

Overall face PUMPING. With the amount my face pumps, it is definitely in the running for World's Strongest Face.

I had to go out tonight to a meeting of sorts and was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo (+ o⁴⁵²) anxious about it. My face looks so knobbly. Like the pores are ready to spew but can't get their shit together (literally and metaphorically) to do so. Also makeup just isn't sitting right. It never does, but it is going out of it's way to behave like a dick on my face. My hair looks amazing after the visit to the hairdresser and this in itself is awful for reasons I shall shortly explain. I went into the meeting, greeted by the sinister, mocking low hum of the FLUORESCENT LIGHT (That needs UPPER CASE because it's a shining beacon of hell for a face like mine!). I looked for a seat in the corner or against a wall at least. "Stick to the shadows, stick to the shadooows" I muttered inwardly to myself. The only seat left was directly under the FLUORESCENT LIGHT. FARK!!!!! So my hair was illuminated beautifully. It was the perfect foil (both shiny like tinfoil and in a literary sense) for my alien-acneic-pitted-lumpy-greasy-makeup-clumped-in-places-and-sliding-in-other-parts-excuse-for-a-human-head. A lady behind said "oh your hair is lovely". It felt like the cruellest juxtaposition in the world to turn round to thank her and show her the mess illuminated beneath. When I came home, I took the makeup off. I saw peeling bits (but with oil still pumping through?!) for the first time. This is good. It looks freaky, but I'm familiar with freaky, it's just a new kind of freaky. It's starting to work! Face still super oily and lips not drying at all. But there is definite peeling, which literally was not there at 20.30 but when I came home at 22.15, major onion skinning was occurring. Quite drained after the meeting. I let this shit wreck me. I know this. Bright lights scare the crap out of me though and when that panic sets in, I'm gone. Even the invisibility shield wasn't playing ball, enjoying its new role as a keratinous lighthouse of sorts, shining in all its sleek, glossy loveliness 'cuz it was worth it. All in all, I'm focusing on the positive. The flakes are here. One step further towards freedom.Ready to get my dry freak on! I also wish we have a solar eclipse for the next 3-4 months over Ireland. This is all.