I don't have a clear idea what this post is suppose to be, don't expect

coherency. I guess I just need to get some feelings out.

When I was twelve or so, my acne started to
manifest. I am not sure why, but I reacted differently than the other
kids that got it. At first, I had my parents buy medicine and such, but I
became crazy as it worsened. Eventually, I started to wear foundation
and such. I also was drifting away from my friends and others. My baby
sister had died a few years before that and my family left where we were

living because of the ordeal.
In the new city, I never really built a strong friend network. I wore
all black and was basically an emo, but that term hadn't become popular
yet with my generation.

My mother didn't understand
what I was going through and wanted to medicate my woes away.
Unfortunately, her and my idea of what medication was appropriate
differed. She wanted me medicated into complacency with anti-depressants
while
I just wanted a medicine that would clear my face. Tensions came to a
boil and eventually I was kicked out to go live with my grandparents. I
was 14 at the time.

At my grandparents, I enrolled in school again and made an effort to

control my emotions. I wasn't successful and eventually was expelled

from the school for my behaviour, leaving school at my discretion or

not going at all. I just felt so ugly with all that acne on my face. I didn't

want to be seen. I was sent to an "alternative" school. Basically, it was

a bunch of hoodlums. I made some friends and got into smoking weed.

The social aspect of hanging with people to smoke and drink brought

me out of my shell to some degree. I was still wearing foundation and

had added a hood and bandanna to conceal as much of my face as I could.

At
some point, I had an altercation with a teacher at the alternative
school and they were talking about pressing charges for destruction of
property. I convinced them that it would be in everyone's best interest
if I just left the state instead to moved back with my parents.

Back at home, now 15, I didn't want to attend school. I attended one

day of high-school and then never went back. A girl had commented

that my foundation was well-done and it upset me to know that she

had looked at my face.

So, I kind of went into a self-imposed exile for the 3 years after that. I
stayed locked in my room and only came out at night to search for
left-overs and such. I would go without seeing my family for weeks at a
time and then only see them in passing. All that I wanted was to be
alone. I didn't want people to see me or think of me. I just wanted to
crawl into a hole and wait for my acne to pass... and that is basically
what I did. Those were strange times... I thank my dad for not letting
my mother have me locked up. She was of the opinion that I was a freak

who needed to be in a padded room.

At 18 or so, I had
to get out of the house and find a job. I worked a few shitty positions
and returned to my cave when not at work. When I am around others, I am
naturally very extroverted and everyone likes me. I'd imagine most
people who ever met me never knew I was such a weirdo in private,
obsessing
over my skin. My acne was starting to get a bit better around that time
too so I felt less repelled at the thought of letting others see me.

Eventually,
I started getting girlfriends and such and was a pretty normal guy. I
still wore bandannas to cover up my forehead. People probably thought I
was being gangsta haha.
The emo culture was gaining steam around that time too, one of my
girlfriends told me she thought I was a gangsta/emo hybrid when she
first saw me. *gun to head*

It has been 7 years
since then and I am married, have a kid and live overseas. I have a
well-paying job where I am loved. My acne still hasn't completely healed
even now. Today, I had a break-out and called in sick. My wife didn't
understand my feelings and thinks I am acting ridiculous for such a
small issue. I tried to explain to her that on my scale of importance,
acne is way over-represented. She couldn't understand how something that
is just superficial could be at all important. We had a heated
argument.

I wish she could understand that, for
me, acne isn't just a rational issue to be discussed and dealt with. For
me, acne was something that changed my life profoundly and threw me
into hell for over five years. I know it's not rational, but it is what I
feel. I just wish she could sympathize with that.

I see everyone talking about this Accutane stuff now too. That wasn't
available, or at-least I never came across it in my reading, when I was
younger. Back then, there was no cure. I've decided to start on it and

finally get that curse behind me for good.

I wonder.... what will life be like without acne. It has been so long, I can't even imagine it.