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I don't have a clear idea what this post is suppose to be, don't expect

coherency. I guess I just need to get some feelings out.

When I was twelve or so, my acne started to
manifest. I am not sure why, but I reacted differently than the other
kids that got it. At first, I had my parents buy medicine and such, but I
became crazy as it worsened. Eventually, I started to wear foundation
and such. I also was drifting away from my friends and others. My baby
sister had died a few years before that and my family left where we were

living because of the ordeal.
In the new city, I never really built a strong friend network. I wore
all black and was basically an emo, but that term hadn't become popular
yet with my generation.

My mother didn't understand
what I was going through and wanted to medicate my woes away.
Unfortunately, her and my idea of what medication was appropriate
differed. She wanted me medicated into complacency with anti-depressants
while
I just wanted a medicine that would clear my face. Tensions came to a
boil and eventually I was kicked out to go live with my grandparents. I
was 14 at the time.

At my grandparents, I enrolled in school again and made an effort to

control my emotions. I wasn't successful and eventually was expelled

from the school for my behaviour, leaving school at my discretion or

not going at all. I just felt so ugly with all that acne on my face. I didn't

want to be seen. I was sent to an "alternative" school. Basically, it was

a bunch of hoodlums. I made some friends and got into smoking weed.

The social aspect of hanging with people to smoke and drink brought

me out of my shell to some degree. I was still wearing foundation and

had added a hood and bandanna to conceal as much of my face as I could.

At
some point, I had an altercation with a teacher at the alternative
school and they were talking about pressing charges for destruction of
property. I convinced them that it would be in everyone's best interest
if I just left the state instead to moved back with my parents.

Back at home, now 15, I didn't want to attend school. I attended one

day of high-school and then never went back. A girl had commented

that my foundation was well-done and it upset me to know that she

had looked at my face.

So, I kind of went into a self-imposed exile for the 3 years after that. I
stayed locked in my room and only came out at night to search for
left-overs and such. I would go without seeing my family for weeks at a
time and then only see them in passing. All that I wanted was to be
alone. I didn't want people to see me or think of me. I just wanted to
crawl into a hole and wait for my acne to pass... and that is basically
what I did. Those were strange times... I thank my dad for not letting
my mother have me locked up. She was of the opinion that I was a freak

who needed to be in a padded room.

At 18 or so, I had
to get out of the house and find a job. I worked a few shitty positions
and returned to my cave when not at work. When I am around others, I am
naturally very extroverted and everyone likes me. I'd imagine most
people who ever met me never knew I was such a weirdo in private,
obsessing
over my skin. My acne was starting to get a bit better around that time
too so I felt less repelled at the thought of letting others see me.

Eventually,
I started getting girlfriends and such and was a pretty normal guy. I
still wore bandannas to cover up my forehead. People probably thought I
was being gangsta haha.
The emo culture was gaining steam around that time too, one of my
girlfriends told me she thought I was a gangsta/emo hybrid when she
first saw me. *gun to head*

It has been 7 years
since then and I am married, have a kid and live overseas. I have a
well-paying job where I am loved. My acne still hasn't completely healed
even now. Today, I had a break-out and called in sick. My wife didn't
understand my feelings and thinks I am acting ridiculous for such a
small issue. I tried to explain to her that on my scale of importance,
acne is way over-represented. She couldn't understand how something that
is just superficial could be at all important. We had a heated
argument.

I wish she could understand that, for
me, acne isn't just a rational issue to be discussed and dealt with. For
me, acne was something that changed my life profoundly and threw me
into hell for over five years. I know it's not rational, but it is what I
feel. I just wish she could sympathize with that.

I see everyone talking about this Accutane stuff now too. That wasn't
available, or at-least I never came across it in my reading, when I was
younger. Back then, there was no cure. I've decided to start on it and

finally get that curse behind me for good.

I wonder.... what will life be like without acne. It has been so long, I can't even imagine it.

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I just want to say thank you for sharing your story. I can definitely relate to the desire to shut the world, people, and everything out to hide away. I had the same fantasy of somehow finding a hole to crawl into and disappear forever. Luckily, like you, my situation improved. It's wonderful that you're married and appreciated/loved in your life. I'm sorry your wife doesn't understand how symbolic acne is for you, though. I'm in the same boat. My husband is totally confused by my turmoil. I guess if you've never been threw it, it's a bizarre concept. Anyways, thanks again for the courage to share your story.

Edited by the uphill battle
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THANK YOU THANK YOU for your post.... you have written the same thoughts and emotions that i have against this thing called ACNE.

just like you... i just wanted to be left alone..... i still do....my brother would even tell me "why don't you go buy a nice dress, or go out"

it just hurts me everytime my family say this to me..... since i had acne, i've reverted to dressing as simple as i can so that i would never draw any attention to myself. don't they think that i would give anything in the world to just "go out" and enjoy myself?..... i'm soo depressed and miserable to the point of feeling that i don't deserve having a new dress, new shoes, or going out, or everything that life has to offer.

i feel like i'm in a stand still. i used to be this fun loving spontaneous outgoing adventure girl, now, even the thought of going out of my house freaks me out........ everytime my brother, or any of my cousins ask me to go hang out with them, i make sure to find an excuse so i can't go. I make up lies to try to stay away from family gatherings..... if and when i can't escape, i always feel nervous, my heart pounding right out of my chest, thinking, "what if they made a comment about my face, my skin?"...... and i really couldn't bear with that.

still learning everything about ACNE and how to deal with it...... it's a hard, and painful ride.... there are ups and downs....

still hoping and praying that everything will be alright......

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Thank you for sharing your deeply personal struggle with acne. I think a lot of us can relate to some extent, and you will find lots of support here.

As far as calling out sick because of a breakout...been there, done that. My husband is very supportive and tries his best to understand, but when I've called out because of it...I know he thinks I'm overreacting. But unless you've been through it, you just don't understand.

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Thanks for sharing. Many of your emotions remind me of myself as a youngster. Acne was not the only reason i was that way but it definitely made things that much harder to deal with, even now. As for the situation with your wife, keep the lines of communications open and let her know that even though she may not understand, her support and compassion is all that you are asking for.

Good luck with accutane and be proud of yourself for overcoming challenges and making a good life for yourself.

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I don't think being upset about a disfiguring and physically painful skin condition is "irrational" at all. Your wife needs to be more supportive.

Good luck with Accutane! I hope it works for you and you finally get the life you've hoped for. <3

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