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aurielle357

How Do You Change Your Perspective?

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My perspective about my acne and how it affects who I am and my looks is one of my biggest issues, and for the life of me, I can't understand how people can see it differently than me. I look in the mirror and I see a face ravaged by acne, fighting such an unfair battle it's ridiculous. I try to cover it up, and I try to stifle the shame, but every time I go in public and I feel like I'm having a bad face day, it hits me so hard, and I can't help but feel like everyone who looks at me is either judging me or feeling sorry for me, and I want neither. Yet, whenever I talk to my friends, they are almost always surprised that my acne is such a huge insecurity for me. I just plain don't understand it when people tell me I am beautiful. I know in some way it's got to be true because I hear it fairly often, but each time I hear it, I have no idea what they are talking about. I'd love to be able to look in the mirror and see what my friends and guys see in me...but somehow I just can't. Have any of you guys been dealing with anything similar? How do you try to fix your perspective about yourself and your acne?

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My perspective about my acne and how it affects who I am and my looks is one of my biggest issues, and for the life of me, I can't understand how people can see it differently than me. I look in the mirror and I see a face ravaged by acne, fighting such an unfair battle it's ridiculous. I try to cover it up, and I try to stifle the shame, but every time I go in public and I feel like I'm having a bad face day, it hits me so hard, and I can't help but feel like everyone who looks at me is either judging me or feeling sorry for me, and I want neither. Yet, whenever I talk to my friends, they are almost always surprised that my acne is such a huge insecurity for me. I just plain don't understand it when people tell me I am beautiful. I know in some way it's got to be true because I hear it fairly often, but each time I hear it, I have no idea what they are talking about. I'd love to be able to look in the mirror and see what my friends and guys see in me...but somehow I just can't. Have any of you guys been dealing with anything similar? How do you try to fix your perspective about yourself and your acne?

Hi timestamp.

I will try and offer some advice but it is direct and what i say isn't mean or unsympathetic its just getting to the point :)

fighting such an unfair battle it's ridiculous

Unfair compared to someone fighting cancer or some other terminal illness? Lets say you had a terminal illness and only had 6 months to live. Would you sit there feeling sorry for yourself or would you make everyday count? I know what i would do and i would make everyday count. If you treat acne with this mentality then you may start to live your life without worrying about it.

I can't help but feel like everyone who looks at me is either judging me or feeling sorry for me, and I want neither.

If that were true then why does your acne bother you so? You say you do not want any attention in the above quote but this is exactly what you are seeking but looking for it in other peoples reactions towards you.

You would be far better served to not give a damn about what anyone thinks about you. However you are portraying such a low opinion of yourself that you think others are thinking the same. You need to learn to get comfortable with yourself. You have to accept the fact that your acne may be with you for a very long time, believe me ive had it 16 years. The quicker you accept it is apart of your are the quicker you accept it's not such a big deal and you will be able to function the way you want to.

I just plain don't understand it when people tell me I am beautiful

Well judging by your profile pic you are good looking girl. Just learn to accept a compliment lol

How do you try to fix your perspective about yourself and your acne?

Change the way you are, the way you think, the way you view the world. It is easier said than done but it's YOU who has to change. It's YOU who has to think differently. It is YOU who has to accept this is the way things are.

Forgive my directness it's just the way i post :D

I wish you all the best and a great Christmas. Think about what i have said here and try to be at peace with yourself.

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I actually really appreciate your directness, thank you! When did you just decide not to care about what anyone thought and accept acne as a part of who you are? Was it a process, or something that just came naturally to you? I feel like I've tried to do that multiple times, and on some occasions it works, but in others my acne really bothers me. Being confident and not letting acne get me down is actually something that has really been improving in me lately, except for sometimes, like tonight, where I have a minor freak out about my skin and wondering if it will ever improve, and thus posting in that frame of mind :P But what I'm really interested in is the process from letting your acne make you insecure to not caring and being confident in spite of it, and how other people have gotten to that place, and what helped them. Thanks for replying and have a merry Christmas!

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I actually really appreciate your directness, thank you! When did you just decide not to care about what anyone thought and accept acne as a part of who you are? Was it a process, or something that just came naturally to you? I feel like I've tried to do that multiple times, and on some occasions it works, but in others my acne really bothers me. Being confident and not letting acne get me down is actually something that has really been improving in me lately, except for sometimes, like tonight, where I have a minor freak out about my skin and wondering if it will ever improve, and thus posting in that frame of mind tongue.png But what I'm really interested in is the process from letting your acne make you insecure to not caring and being confident in spite of it, and how other people have gotten to that place, and what helped them. Thanks for replying and have a merry Christmas!

I don't think there is any set process. It's an highly individual process, you basically have to find what works for you.

It took me a long time to find my feet. Between 17 and 20 years of age i was hugely depressed. I just hated the person i became.

However i also found it wasn't just acne getting me down. By the time i was 20 i was controlling my acne with med, still had a spot here or there but it was largely gone. But i was still depressed. I have other aspects of my life wasn't right.

I wasn;t happy at uni, with my girlfriend at the time, and just my life in general. Also my life style was bad, my diet was crap. Fact is depression is purely just a chemical imbalance in the brain. This can be cause by bad diet, Change my life style and diet and my depression started to life. Still had acne, still have today at 28 years old (albeit its under control) but depression has no hold over me.

Change is needed. So you need to identify parts of your life you're not happy with and set about making positive changes. Again this highly individual.

With me i dropped uni as i just wasn't happy, finished a toxic relationship, got into fitness and started training, studied nutrition which i am quite well versed in now. Got myself a new job. It was scary, it took years to achieve but i've never looked back.

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But what I'm really interested in is the process from letting your acne make you insecure to not caring and being confident in spite of it, and how other people have gotten to that place, and what helped them.

It's difficult as it seems that the degree of seriousness isn't constant with acne. Me, I have a scar that bothered me (not from acne as I don't have acne) and that just is what it is and so I learned to accept it. But with acne some days are worse than others and then others aren't that bad at all and then you have a day that is "just OK" when it comes to how you feel about your skin and so forth. So it seems to me that one never knows what the next day will bring when it comes to one's skin and I can imagine that that is tiresome. I managed to accept my appearance but like I said my appearance was constant so therefore it was easier for me to reach that point than I imagine it is for someone with acne.

What's also important I think is asking yourself what your looks mean to you and what you think it means to other people. Do you see it as a part of your identity? Do you think you need to look a certain way in order to live the life you want to live? Do you think it is a factor socially where it affects people's opinions of you? How much do you care about what people think of your appearance and why? I think one needs to know the answers to all of these questions (and a lot of other ones too).

It's also important not to decide for yourself how other people look at your imperfections. You need to adjust your mentality if it is "I look terrible and other people are going to see me that way too and now I'm going to walk out the door and have people look at me in disgust and avoid talking to me". You really need to be aware of how you talk to yourself, so to speak.

I could go on but I have shopping to do so I'll stop it here.

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What's also important I think is asking yourself what your looks mean to you and what you think it means to other people. Do you see it as a part of your identity?

Yes.

Do you think you need to look a certain way in order to live the life you want to live?

Yes. Ugly people are not successful. Ugly people don't get given awards and give acceptance speeches in front of thousands of people. Ugly people can't jog down the street in a perfect outfit with a perfect body and have everyone look at them and think "wow, she's beautiful." Ugly people don't have love, or gifts or anything good happen to them.

Do you think it is a factor socially where it affects people's opinions of you?

Yes, absolutely. I've had severe acne off and on and have had people make comments, look at me with disgust and a number of other hurtful things. Just the other day someone wrote me and was very mean and told me I shouldn't even have any business having my blog because I was basically deformed due to my acne. People definitely notice when it's very bad.

How much do you care about what people think of your appearance and why?

I care much more what I think, and I think I'm ugly because of my skin. I won't even allow myself good things because I don't deserve them due to being ugly.

^I'm not saying all of these are thoughts I stand behind or think are good, but I wanted to provide a dialogue of what my inner world of body dysmorphic disorder is like. I relate strongly to the OP, and I don't know what the answer is. For me, the pursuit of perfection, both in looks and in health, has always been a huge part of my lifestyle as well as just who I am. I don't know how to let that go because it's part of my identity. I probably always will pursue perfection to some degree. I just want to stop hating myself and wanting to commit suicide when it doesn't work.

But how do you stop hating acne, especially if it's severe/very painful on top of being ugly?

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An aquaintance of mine has OCD and he says there's no way he can get rid of it because "it's part of his personality". That's similar to what you're saying about the pursuit of perfection being part of your identity. ...I don't understand what that means. I mean...you'd think it's something you can work on. It's kind of depressing to think that some people are doomed to make themselves miserable. eusa_think.gif

Anyway, some of your answers make sense to me. I mean it does depend on the kind of life you want to life whether your appearance gets in the way of your happiness to whatever degree or not. It's just the way it is. Some people say "looks don't matter period" but they do. Let's face it. That's not to say that superficiality is good or anything it's just that one's physical appearance is part of...everything. Part of you. But it's thin ice that one is walking on when speaking of this so I'm gonna stop as I don't want to come across as a jerk. Plus it's hard for me to put into words properly how I look at things.

Anyway, I guess what I meant in my earlier post was that some people react to their acne and they get upset and whatnot but it's important to be aware and critical of one's own thoughts. Some thoughts when you think about it are unreasonable, for instance. I mean if someone is thinking "I have acne so now I'll never find a guy" then that's very much wrong. But when you have thoughts like that in your mind all the time you're going to be feeling down. Like a psychiatrist once said "Some people talk themselves into an early grave".

I'm going to reply more later on as I've got some stuff to do again.

I will say though that the other day I actually went to your blog and gave it a quick look and there was one photograph of you in front of a mirror and it's just so that you are a very good looking woman. I know some people who read that last sentence I wrote will think I'm some kind of womanizer but it's just what I think so that's what I said.

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Thanks. I think I look beautiful in my photographs. But of course, that isn't the real me. It's a lot of makeup, lighting and digital enhancement. That's why I posted that real pic of me with acne on there. I felt ashamed that I was hiding behind all that. I still want to take the nice photos, but not for the reason of wanting to hide. It's more that I studied graphic design in school and really enjoy photography and editing and all that. I feel okay about it as long as I show the truth as well--NO ONE looks like the models in professional photos. No one. And the fact that I can take my acne-scarred self and make me look like I have flawless porcelain skin proves that.

The thing that makes it hard to separate the obsession with my identity is that over the past 5 years I've grown to develop an identity as a healer/natural foodist/chef/healthy lifestyle girl and I don't want to lose that. But keeping the "healthy" healthy--and not letting it turn into a dark obsession that feeds my orthorexic tendencies--is hard. I need to learn moderation. Most of my life I've see-sawed between binge eating unhealthy foods, destroying my body with drugs/alcohol and the opposite--obsession with purity, ultra restricted diet, cleanses, fasting, etc.

Now it's all about trying to find balance. Heal from orthorexia and learn to have real self esteem for things other than my looks. (like my creative abilities)

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To change your perspective, you really have to change the way you think.

Try thinking about acne in a neutral way and put it in a positive light, like "Well, it could be worse" or "There are various treatments and treatment combinations for acne I can use" or "Acne tends to fade in time". You could also think "Yes, it's usually cyclical -- even though there are bad days, there are also good days" and "Well, I don't have to look in the mirror all the time; I can pretty much ignore it."

Those are just a few examples, and I can post more later to give you more ideas, but do you see where I'm going? I think I'll have to compile a list of ideas soon. ;)

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This is a really interesting post. It's something I've struggled with as well. Ultimately, there are three things that sort of got me over my acne.

What's also important I think is asking yourself what your looks mean to you and what you think it means to other people. Do you see it as a part of your identity?

Yes, I do. But, to a certain extent. Perfect looks are certainly not my identity. I would not be happy if I had another person's face, whether they were absolutely beautiful or absolutely ugly. My appearance is mine because I grew up this way. I like being able to recognize myself.

Do you think you need to look a certain way in order to live the life you want to live?

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This is a really interesting post. It's something I've struggled with as well. Ultimately, there are three things that sort of got me over my acne.

What's also important I think is asking yourself what your looks mean to you and what you think it means to other people. Do you see it as a part of your identity?

Yes, I do. But, to a certain extent. Perfect looks are certainly not my identity. I would not be happy if I had another person's face, whether they were absolutely beautiful or absolutely ugly. My appearance is mine because I grew up this way. I like being able to recognize myself.

Do you think you need to look a certain way in order to live the life you want to live?

No. I think I need to be intelligent. I am normal looking. I look like a human being.

Do you think it is a factor socially where it affects people's opinions of you?

No. Even if people notice my acne, I don't think that looks factor into your perception of someone as much as their actions, attitude, and an intelligence do. Furthermore, I'd rather be judged on those latter things than my looks.

How much do you care about what people think of your appearance and why?

I care quite a bit, but I care FAR more about what people think about my relationships, attitude, intelligence, responsibility, etc.

But how do you stop hating acne, especially if it's severe/very painful on top of being ugly?

You don't. You go to the dermatologist, and you follow your dermatologist's instructions to a tee. If you have some issue in following the regime they've given you (complaints like: "my face is so dry it's cracking!", "I feel like this is making my acne worse!", "my face feels oily!", "my acne is really painful!", "I'm having trouble not touching my face.") call them! Don't try to solve the problem yourself. Call your dermatologist and give them the complaint.

Then you wait and hope it works. In the meanwhile you continue to live life and focus on the things that matter.

A guy friend in high school once told me about this girl (who had perfect skin btw) who he saw as unattractive the first time he met her. Her personality was so beautiful, though, that he thinks of her as one of the most attractive people he knows. I agree. She's really attractive. Perception of beauty is just that--perception. You perceive through your senses and eyes are the weakest sensory organs, I promise you. When your brain, an intricate organ, processes all your senses, combines it with memories, knowledge about social norms, combines it with knowledge about desirable traits like kindness, intelligence, resourcefulness, humor, spirit, etc, sight plays a very very small part in your overall perception of a person.

Before you say that ugly people don't do this and that (accept awards, give speeches), well you're right, they don't. They are not perceived as ugly. They are perceived as human. Adam Lambert has severe acne scarring, but that didn't stop him from competing on American Idol. Nelson Mandela and Morgan Freeman have these brown spots on their face-- people spend ages trying to get rid of spots like these, but they are still accomplished (and frequently smiling) people. Before you tell me I've only mentioned men, Anna Paquin has a gap between her front teeth. Have you ever seen Marie Curie's Frizzy hair? She won a Nobel Prize. Acne is unfortunate. But, it's not tragic. It's not debilitating. It is just unfortunate.

I hate to be blunt, but you need to just stop wallowing and focus on the amazing things your body, mind, and soul can do. Everyone on this website struggles with acne in their own way. Please don't squander all your privilege dwelling on acne. Look at diamondsandheels14 on youtube. Homegirl MODELED with severe acne. Modeled. Lemme say that again. Modeled. Her acne has become much better since then. Why? Because she went to a dermatologist and then continued to live her life.

I spent YEARS going to dermatologists. YEARS. There were NOT able to help me and basically gave up. I've tried every medication that exists. My mother and I spent thousands of dollars on dermatologists. Results? NOTHING.

I get your point but it's so frustrating to have people suggest things that I have already done that didn't work for me. I've been battling this over 10 years now.

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I spent YEARS going to dermatologists. YEARS. There were NOT able to help me and basically gave up. I've tried every medication that exists. My mother and I spent thousands of dollars on dermatologists. Results? NOTHING.

I get your point but it's so frustrating to have people suggest things that I have already done that didn't work for me. I've been battling this over 10 years now.

Notice that I didn't just suggest going to a dermatologist. I understand that you feel like this situation is out of your control. It seems like it is. There are so many things within your control, however. There are people just as frustrated with other diseases that are more debilitating, more severe. You should consider going to a therapist. For example, when someone close to you dies, this is not something within your control. But, you can't be miserable for the rest of your life. Eventually, you have to accept it. When you get cancer, eventually, you have to come to terms with it. I am not demeaning your pain and frustration or anyone else's. I am saying, that like any other chronic illness, you have to come to accept that you have it. People with other diseases, like spinal deformities, diabetes, heart disease feel the same helplessness as you. It is not healthy to wallow in it; what is healthy is to find a way to look past it to all the positive things in your life. What is healthy is to not let it limit you. I am always inspired by people who have severe acne, but are confident, kind, poised, and intelligent. Because they don't let this disease limit them. It doesn't really have many physical limitations. (Though, if your acne is painful, there are some physical limitations.) The advice I gave of lying back and letting the dermatologist do his work may not apply to you (though it something that many people often just never do, which is why I gave it), but moving past your skin disease is.

Edit: I just looked at your blog, and it seems like you have a really full, rich life. You are very beautiful, and I think you just need to look past the acne at your life, your interests, your talents, your friends and family.

Try this for a month: whenever you find yourself wallowing in your acne, feeling that 10 years of frustration and lack of control and hopelessness is slamming you in the face, think about all of the amazing things in your life. Cheer yourself up like you would cheer up a friend that was insecure about herself after a breakup or rejection or something.

In fact, during that month, treat yourself like you would treat your best friend. You would never let your best friend say negative things about herself without pointing out all the amazing things. When you try to see yourself from the eyes of those who love you, you will overcome your negativity. Just try it! I did this; in high school, I was the most miserable little rag doll ever, lol.

If you can do something for a month, they say you've made it a habit and it's so much easier just to keep doing it.

Edited by skinnie

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http://www.ppc.sas.upenn.edu/publications.htm

If you want to know more, this might be helpful. I'm sure you can find many other resources, if you don't find what you need through this one. I've known some gorgeous people with heartbreaking illnesses. My uncle had leukemia (and survived, Thank God), my Grandmother has heart palpitations. I have a friend who died at 17, and I have seen his family deal with this death. I met a girl who was told she wouldn't live past 24 (who incidentally, also had a face full of seemingly untreatable acne). A family friend was murdered by her husband, and her brother and sister-in-law somehow found the courage to move on. They are all gorgeous people who found ways to move past their illness and loss to lead full lives. Take it one day at a time!

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Thanks for your positive messages skinnie. I'm just struggling really bad emotionally right now in my life, especially after coming down with the flu on Christmas day and spending the day alone at my apartment while the rest of my family left for a get-together. Pretty depressing so I'm having a hard time staying positive. I really appreciate all of your thoughts. <3

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OP: idk how old you are, but i kind of decided to stop caring this year. im in my senior year of high school so i wanted to be more outgoing and make this last year the most memorable (as opposed to my freshman year, which so far was the best, the other two years were boring af lol) and at this point i want to wear something other than just a tshirt and jeans, and talk more people, etc and i just decided that i cant wait for my skin to clear up anymore. so i still wear makeup and use treatments and stuff, but beyond that i dont worry about it since im doing all that i can and my skins not that bad to begin with. yeah.

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My perspective about my acne and how it affects who I am and my looks is one of my biggest issues, and for the life of me, I can't understand how people can see it differently than me. I look in the mirror and I see a face ravaged by acne, fighting such an unfair battle it's ridiculous. I try to cover it up, and I try to stifle the shame, but every time I go in public and I feel like I'm having a bad face day, it hits me so hard, and I can't help but feel like everyone who looks at me is either judging me or feeling sorry for me, and I want neither. Yet, whenever I talk to my friends, they are almost always surprised that my acne is such a huge insecurity for me. I just plain don't understand it when people tell me I am beautiful. I know in some way it's got to be true because I hear it fairly often, but each time I hear it, I have no idea what they are talking about. I'd love to be able to look in the mirror and see what my friends and guys see in me...but somehow I just can't. Have any of you guys been dealing with anything similar? How do you try to fix your perspective about yourself and your acne?

You may have a form of Body Dysmorphia. I have it and this is how I feel on a daily basis. Hideous, like a monster. I simply can't understand how others could look at me most days and not see the monstrosity that I see. It almost makes me feel crazy some days. Yes, some days are better than others, but most days I have something about myself physically that makes me feel extremely repulsive. Please look up Body Dysmorphic Disorder, it may help you understand if this is your issue.

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I wish I could give you a decent answer, but I've been totally unable to change my perspective about acne and scars. I see nothing but a monster when I look into the mirror. A scarred, damaged beast. And I totally understand where you're coming from....because other people don't see the beast that I see. My friends treat me just like anyone else, and girls often flirt with me and tell me that they find me attractive. I don't understand it, and it just confuses me even more. I had a female friend tell me the other day how "handsome" I am...and at first I thought she was making fun of me before I realized she was being 100% genuine. It's so strange for me...because the first thing I think every time I wake up in the morning and look into the mirror is "I am ruined." It never fails to enter into my mind..."I am ruined."

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I wish I could give you a decent answer, but I've been totally unable to change my perspective about acne and scars. I see nothing but a monster when I look into the mirror. A scarred, damaged beast. And I totally understand where you're coming from....because other people don't see the beast that I see. My friends treat me just like anyone else, and girls often flirt with me and tell me that they find me attractive. I don't understand it, and it just confuses me even more. I had a female friend tell me the other day how "handsome" I am...and at first I thought she was making fun of me before I realized she was being 100% genuine. It's so strange for me...because the first thing I think every time I wake up in the morning and look into the mirror is "I am ruined." It never fails to enter into my mind..."I am ruined."

I can relate.

I'd reply some more but it's late and I have to get sleep. lol

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I wish I could give you a decent answer, but I've been totally unable to change my perspective about acne and scars. I see nothing but a monster when I look into the mirror. A scarred, damaged beast. And I totally understand where you're coming from....because other people don't see the beast that I see. My friends treat me just like anyone else, and girls often flirt with me and tell me that they find me attractive. I don't understand it, and it just confuses me even more. I had a female friend tell me the other day how "handsome" I am...and at first I thought she was making fun of me before I realized she was being 100% genuine. It's so strange for me...because the first thing I think every time I wake up in the morning and look into the mirror is "I am ruined." It never fails to enter into my mind..."I am ruined."

I can really relate...all my friends and quite a few guys tell me they think I'm beautiful, and while I don't think I am hideous, I think I'm a pretty average looking person, when people say I'm gorgeous or beautiful, I always think "Well that's a bit of an exaggeration don't you think?" I definitely don't mind the compliments, and I receive them as best I can, but I don't really understand them. It's not that I hate myself, I don't, I just think people see me as being better than I actually am, and it confuses me.

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I can really relate...all my friends and quite a few guys tell me they think I'm beautiful, and while I don't think I am hideous, I think I'm a pretty average looking person, when people say I'm gorgeous or beautiful, I always think "Well that's a bit of an exaggeration don't you think?" I definitely don't mind the compliments, and I receive them as best I can, but I don't really understand them. It's not that I hate myself, I don't, I just think people see me as being better than I actually am, and it confuses me.

Here's a question then; name a woman who you see as "better" than you, looks wise? eusa_think.gif What's average anyway? Plus I'm sure there are people who think Nicole Kidman, a woman seen by many as an incredibly beautiful woman, isn't that attractive. It's a big problem, this whole "that person is more beautiful than that person" way of looking at things. It makes a lot of people apparently think of themselves as being less attractive or less desireable than some which in and of itself is a negative thought which is not good. It makes people feel bad which is bad.

I really gotta get some sleep now... lol

One last thing, I heard these "men" speak one time about how some women were "sixes" where others were "tens" and so forth. Honestly, they were rating them based on looks alone! I was so repulsed! And then one guy said "Every once in while a six who can cook is cool too". Which I suppose was an effort to make himself look less like an objectifying fool but it was an effort which wasn't entirely successful ("every once in a while"? As in "most of the time I go for the tens"? rolleyes.gif ) Also, this man just happenend to be married to a "ten" at that time plus he said he looked back (this guy was in his fourties) fondly on having "been with" (i.e. had sex with) lots and lots of "incredibly beautiful women". It made me sick. neutral.gif Ok, now I really need to get some sleep as I'm starting to write one of those bitter posts again where I basically rant. eusa_doh.gif

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My perspective about my acne and how it affects who I am and my looks is one of my biggest issues, and for the life of me, I can't understand how people can see it differently than me. I look in the mirror and I see a face ravaged by acne, fighting such an unfair battle it's ridiculous. I try to cover it up, and I try to stifle the shame, but every time I go in public and I feel like I'm having a bad face day, it hits me so hard, and I can't help but feel like everyone who looks at me is either judging me or feeling sorry for me, and I want neither. Yet, whenever I talk to my friends, they are almost always surprised that my acne is such a huge insecurity for me. I just plain don't understand it when people tell me I am beautiful. I know in some way it's got to be true because I hear it fairly often, but each time I hear it, I have no idea what they are talking about. I'd love to be able to look in the mirror and see what my friends and guys see in me...but somehow I just can't. Have any of you guys been dealing with anything similar? How do you try to fix your perspective about yourself and your acne?

You may have a form of Body Dysmorphia. I have it and this is how I feel on a daily basis. Hideous, like a monster. I simply can't understand how others could look at me most days and not see the monstrosity that I see. It almost makes me feel crazy some days. Yes, some days are better than others, but most days I have something about myself physically that makes me feel extremely repulsive. Please look up Body Dysmorphic Disorder, it may help you understand if this is your issue.

I have it too. I think a lot of us do, to some degree.

Re: the women being sixes or tens or whatever.... UGH. It's horrible. I've had multiple men "rate" me in this way over the course of my life and ALL of them have told me I'm an "eight."

WHAT THE FUCK.

I guess an eight is supposedly good. According to these men, most of whom have not been boyfriends but just guy friends, dudes I was talking to at bars, etc, eight is very good. So I guess I'm supposed to be happy about being an eight but not a ten?

It makes me think two things:

1) Fuck rating people this way (even though I've been guilty of it myself)

2) WHY AM I NOT A TEN? WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!? (goes on to list 1000 things that make me ugly and not good enough).

It's just screwed up.

Edited by dejaclairevoyant

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Yeah, I will never understand how guys go about determining what is hot and what isn't, since it seems to change depending on each guy. The solution I've come up with is to not care. Pretty much all my insecurity about acne comes from me judging myself, rather than others judging me, especially guys, because somehow I just don't really care whether or not they think I'm hot. I mean, it's nice when they do, but when I think about acne and why it bothers me, the possibility of it repelling guys doesn't come to my brain. I just want to be able to feel totally comfortable in my own skin, which comes in time I guess, as I grow more confident in who I am and what I have to offer.

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I'm glad my comment helped someone!

I still remember the first time I was told I was pretty... I was 16 years old. Approximately 5 months later, the acne hit. I wasn't allowed to wear makeup to school back then. I always felt pretty with makeup on. Then, I started to feel beautiful again in college (again, usually only when I was wearing makeup/going out, but not exclusively.) Then, sophomore year my gorgeous cheeks--the only part of my face I found pretty (they made me look cute and youthful) broke out in awful cystic acne that left scars. Those cheeks are gone now. However, even with acne and scarring, I've had guys fall for me. It's my personality--I've always been just a little bit charming. I am intelligent, and I articulate my thoughts well. I am a dreamer... And I can pull people into my dreams and thoughts. Therein lies my attractiveness. Otherwise, I am an average looking Indian girl with some acne on my face. I've been called beautiful a couple times, but it's not often. I really just don't care though. Who wants to be the prettiest girl in the room anyway? Sometimes, being pretty means that you have no excuse to develop a personality. Sometimes, being pretty means that you're not sure why a guy is "in love" with you. Sometimes, being of average appearance is just such a relief. I know that the friends and relationships I have are all based on a measure of attractiveness I can actually take credit for. You know what? You can work hard to be gorgeous, but you can almost never really take credit for it, can you? And, honestly, who hasn't judged beautiful people before? Judged them as vain, frivolous, superficial, and almost pitied them... because so often, being beautiful is just their only talent.

I think that's what makes you an 8, dejaclairvoyant--you actually have a personality to accompany your beauty. I guess that's points off when all they want is one thing, haha. You'd be a 10, if it just weren't for that darn personality. :)

Of course, my mom still asks me why I never tried proactive every time a commercial comes on and I'm having a breakout. tongue.png

Also, maybe this is just me, but I get a little freaked by guys who think I'm "hot". I'm really not sure I want to be thought of that way. Doesn't it imply that they're like sitting in their beds jerking off to you or something? redface.gifdoubt.gif I think I just have a really unhealthy attitude towards guys... I've never had a "first kiss", only make-out sessions with guys I didn't know very well or at all. Guys have almost always been really pushy in those instances. I haven't actually ever been in a relationship... sad.png except with textbooks for particularly difficult classes. Organic Chemistry, anyone? biggrin.png

Edited by skinnie

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By saying someone's an 8 they're saying "There are other women who are more beautiful than you. I mean if it wasn't for [insert criticism here] you'd be a 9 and if you also didn't have [insert undesireable quality here] you'd be a 10! But it's OK, you're still quite hot.". As if you're then supposed to go "Well thanks! biggrin.png ". rolleyes.gif

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There's this show on TV where I live which is called "The prettiest girl in the classroom". In it they reunite classmates and they all sit and talk about and with the girl who was considered the most pretty. Just how smitten were the guys back then? And are they still smitten now time has passed? These are some of the incredibly interesting questions they ask in the show. rolleyes.gif They really put her up on a pedestral just because she's "pretty" which is sad.

And, honestly, who hasn't judged beautiful people before? Judged them as vain, frivolous, superficial, and almost pitied them... because so often, being beautiful is just their only talent.

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