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I'm starting this forum because I am losing my mind, and I need to get something out. I also would like if anyone wants to contribute their own stories and feelings and such.

Lately, this is how I've been feeling:

Damaged

Cursed

Depressed

Stuck

Alone

Regretfull

Selfish

Insecure

Ugly

Monstrous

Ungrateful

Stupid

Skeptical

Hopeless

Helpless

Afraid

The past few months have been hell for me. Before I got my last scar I felt invincible. I didn't care about a damn thing, I was sneaking out to see a guy I liked, lying to my family, having fun. I'm not a horrible person. I've been through and seen some bad things in my life, which has affected me. I feel like I've developed a hatred for myself because I never felt good enough. I always get complimented on my body, and told I should be a model, which then I think that opened up a complex or insecurity for me. My face, scarred, and a zit of every kind. I've needed braces for as long as I could remember, and I just feel like I look a mess. I was teased in school for things out of my control, as well. Which of course, never helps.

Over six months ago I didn't care, I gave myself that false hope that when I become a model, I'll have the money to better everything, and take away all the pain. I'll show everyone who ever hurt me or made fun of me. I'd have money to give my family so they wouldn't suffer anymore. I'd be able to travel the world with the guy I'd been seeing, my now boyfriend, and that everything in my life would get better because I defied all odds, and I'd prevailed through persistance.

But now, after this scar on my forehead, although its so shallow, it looks level... but I see edges, sorta... its wide to make up for how deep it could have been. I find myself so worried about it. How it looks in certain light, I keep myself from moving my eyebrows so it doesn't look noticable, I can't even bare the thought of spending day outside because I'm afraid it will turn bright red like it did when I foolishly went to the beach a week after I got it. I'm so down and depressed anymore. I've been dermarolling it, but I feel like I will never be happy with it. I'm only a teenager, and its like hell on top of everything else. I can't even look in the mirror anymore. I feel like this scar has brought out the real truth, that I am no god. That I can't control my future, or my body for that matter. No one in my family understands. I feel so trapped but I can't leave. Everything feels like its slipping away, and everything takes too much effort. I hate myself for doing this to myself, and my family. I have been to the emergency room, and my health is suffering because of my anxiety. I feel like this scar is there for all the foolish things I've done in my life. I feel like I can't be the same. All the good, happy memories with my boyfriend I had without it, and now the scar is all I can think about. I'm scared because now that I have this scar, that things won't be the same, and when things change like this I fear for the worst. Our one year is coming up. I keep thinking about how better things would be if I kept that promise to myself. This is that scar I got after I broke the promise I made to myself to stop picking. It was hell. It is hell. And its making me hate all the other scars that used to never bother me...

I'm going to a doctor soon, again, hopefully I can get up the courage to say what's really bothering me.

Because I want to be:

Happy

Edited by ForeverAndPatience

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And what kills me the most is the time I've spent on this scar, worrying about it. Obsessing over it. And then thinking back to that moment before, when I decided to pick at my skin, if I would have just stopped... if I could go back. I don't see one good thing to come out of my stupidity...

I'm just... weak now.

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Remind yourself that you are beautiful regardless of a scar on your face. I have so many scars on my face, I had a horrible picking problem for years, and I found a wonderful (and beautiful) man who doesn't even see any of it. I bet your boyfriend doesn't care either.

Also remind yourself that you are a teenager, you have your WHOLE life ahead of you. This scar right now will seem so silly two years from now, when it has faded and got past that red phase, I promise.

Whenever you start thinking negative thoughts, about your self esteem, or obsessive thoughts about the scar, just tell yourself to stop. It works. I will sometimes even verbally say to myself, "Lia, you need to stop. You are beautiful and you are only putting even more focus on something you don't want anybody to focus on." Go do something else you enjoy doing.

You even said, your body is like that of a models, and I bet your face is too. Watch some of the videos on youtube of how much they photoshop models. There's one pretty well known model right now that has acne... They just airbrush it off! Those women aren't perfect, nobody is!

You are beautiful and valuable. It may not feel like you got anything out of this, but you did learn a valuable lesson... Just make sure you listen to that lesson! Nothing is more valuable than the knowledge you gain from experiences like this... Nobody will ever be able to take that knowledge away from you!

You are strong and you will make it through this. Don't ever stop loving yourself, okay? Take care. :)

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Thanks. That really does help. I've had a few other people tell me the same, but sometimes mistakes we've made are hard to look past, especially if they're looking you in the mirror. I think I may print your reply out because it has really said a lot, and I don't want to forget it with my over obsessive thoughts on the things I hate. Thanks doll (:

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Thanks for these kind words!!!! Today I came to work with no makeup on and just kept looking in the mirror at my scars. I have to realize that my beauty over shadow my scars. :-)

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Thanks. That really does help. I've had a few other people tell me the same, but sometimes mistakes we've made are hard to look past, especially if they're looking you in the mirror. I think I may print your reply out because it has really said a lot, and I don't want to forget it with my over obsessive thoughts on the things I hate. Thanks doll (:

You are more than welcome, if you ever need someone to talk to, I don't always get on here every day, but feel free to message me. :)

Thanks for these kind words!!!! Today I came to work with no makeup on and just kept looking in the mirror at my scars. I have to realize that my beauty over shadow my scars. whistling.gif)

You're bigger than me! I'm scared to go to Wal Mart at midnight without my makeup on, hahaha.

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Try to understand that having a scar doesn't change things. You can still be a model, you'll still have your boyfriend. I know how difficult it is, but sometimes acne affects us the most only because we let it affect our mind. That scar might look emphasized to you when you look in a mirror but the majority of focus when you talk to another human being is placed on their eyes. People with acne can just become hyper sensitive about other people's skin because they're anxious about their own.

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Shit can get a lot worse. I have around 20 deep under skin bumps that hurt at the moment and I'm badly disfigured by scarring from cystic acne. I have developed some sort of dissociative disorder because I can't possibly continue my life otherwise.

Edited by Rawhide

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