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I've been coming here and posting here and there with questions and such, I guess sometimes I get carried away and write a little too much. So I decided to to write everything all in one post, so maybe I won't be judged too quickly because though my scars are few and shallow, the amount they effect me is... severe, deep... Maybe this will be like a diary or something. Hopefully it will help. Right now I just need support. So here's my story.

I feel like I've been going through one long reality check, my whole life. And so much so lately, (I'll get to that). Lived in a small town, had little growing up. Hardly ever went to a dentist or doctor.My childhood was nothing too great, I watched my mother be abused and relapse into a depression, all while on drugs. She's still a bit off, and she's still with said abuser, though things have calmed down, and drugs are no longer being used.

Throughout school I've been picked on for being too tall, being too skinny, not having a perfect smile, being too quiet... being just.. different. And it used to never bother me. Until I got older, and started seeing things wrong with me. Even when anyone had told me that I should be a model, okay... maybe I believed in myself a little bit, I started to want to be a model. I thought wow, I'll show everyone who has ever hurt me just what I could be. And that hey, models aren't typical looking, everyones different. And this went on for a couple years and into highschool. I guess after people had told me I should be a model, I always had this skewed view on myself. How I should be.

And throughout middleschool and highschool, I'd been dealing with acne. Moderate acne, not the kind that's red and extremely painful looking, but blackheads, whiteheads, and comedones. And I began picking. I compare it to self harm, because it gave me a temporary relief from my emotional pains. And I could never do what I'd seen those I love do, cutting themselves. I just don't want to be that way, no matter how much I hurt. I remember when I got my first scar, I remember searching frantically for a cure... everyday I looked in the mirror, I saw it staring back at me. It was like a third eye...(ridiculous, its okay to laugh...my family sure made fun of me for it...) Shallow, and small...it hurt but I eventually got over it, for the most part. I told myself, after I become a model, I'll have the money to make everything that hurts me disappear. And money was something I hardly had the fortune of having growing up.

My sophomore year I became fearless. I fell in love with someone who I was forbidden from. I stayed up late, I snuck out. We were together in secrecy. I felt like I was living, like nothing could stop me. And towards the end of the year I did something, til this day, I regret doing. I picked a zit that wasn't ready on my forehead. It was a very large comedone, and after a few squeezes it started hurting, and swole up real bit... it hurt, so I kept going. What followed was hell, it was a huge, infected looking spot on my face. I still had hope it wouldn't scar, after all, I've picked before. But something was wrong, it didn't scab. It looked gnarly. I spent the beginning of my summer with honey, bandaids, and bandanas. And lying to anyone who asked what had happened. I would cry myself to sleep, I lost my appetite, I started being very moody, which is very out of character for me. But I kept telling myself that I've got to keep myself together.

My family had been going through a lot, living paycheck to paycheck. Owing money. Fighting. He whole nine yards. And I didn't want to be a burden. I never want to be a burden. But when do my needs matter, I thought. Reflection upon reflection, of what is and what should and shouldn't be. I couldn't help but feel cursed. The only one in my family who ever had skin problems. This that and the other, wrong.

I began losing it, I felt. I missed a lot of the new school year. I would be in the mirror everyday checking if the new scar had left me. It's affected me mentally, and physically. I began losing motivation, weight, happiness... my sense of hope for a better life. And one day I was rushed to the emergency room for my anxiety.

And here I am. Scarred.

I often wonder why I'm putting myself through this. But its my fault I'm like this. The only things keeping me from losing it completely is this one strand of hope I always had. That same strand as I watched my mother be beaten, that same strand that was there through every hurtful comment through school, that same strand. And my highly dysfunctional family. And my boyfriend I love dearly, he's never seen me upset about anything about myself... I know how unattractive insecurity is... and it kills me to not feel good enough. I don't feel the same about myself. I feel like a monster, that my whole life and myself is just a big joke, and that I'll just be barely there my whole life. Barely happy, barely pretty... barely. And I feel sick because I realise I'm being selfish, that I'm wasting my life feeling negative. But I cannot for the life of me do anything! I so scared to ask for help. I'm not crazy... I'd be better and feel better if I could better myself, these things, and have a chance at life. I just don't know what to do. I have so much to overcome I guess. I just don't know...

And these scars I feel like they show the monster I am, the messed up life I've had. The bad things I've done. This isn't me :/

I just want to be happy...

I should probably go see a dermatologist... but I'm so scared they'll say that I'm stuck like this forever.

My newer scar turns red when I massage it... its about five months old... will this ever go away?

And when I raise my eyebrows my forehead wrinkles differently. It dents in toward the scar... I'm thinking its tethered down. I don't have money for subcision... it it possible that it may level out, untether on its own?

I'm just at such a loss. I wish I could go back. I know its only a shallow scar, that doesn't bother me its just, I'm so self conscious when I move my eyebrows. I feel like I'll never be the same. It's so noticeable.

I've been dermarolling once every month and massaging in cocoa butter every night. I just want to hear there's something I can do. And for anyone with scars, how have they changed over time?

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