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cosmic crusader

Have You Settled For Less In Relationships Because You Don't Feel Worthy Of Love?

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Hi friends,

I have been so tormented lately and thought I would reach out to my peers to see if anyone else is/has been in a similar situation.

I am in my late twenties, and developed a moderately severe case of acne about 18 months ago. It is now pretty much under control apparently (carrot juice + retin a FTW), but the emotional scars are very deep and quite sensitive. I am also a recovering anorexic with terrible anxiety.

Last year around this time, I met a guy. He is younger than me, and we ended up dating. He is great in many ways, but seems to be quite superficial. I asked him once what he thought when he first saw me, and his answer was, "she would be perfect if she didn't have acne." I know. I might be a masochist staying with someone who feels okay saying that kind of shit to another, but I'm not sure if I am being too sensitive.

Here's the issue: I need to either let the really stupid stuff he's said go, or I need to go. I really don't know how to move past it. He says he doesn't feel that way now and it's my decision to continue dwelling, but I don't know that that matters. I think he's a great guy, but perhaps not the guy for me. I feel insecure and inferior, never good enough, around him (from appearances to talents to actions). I understand that I'm probably trying to "prove myself" constantly, which feels really shitty. The silly part is that I was a lot happier and more independent when I was single. At first, the way he acted seemed ridiculous and I could brush off the remarks because they did not reflect what I believed about myself. Somewhere along the line, though, my self-esteem and self-confidence deteriorated and I began to REALLY believe the lies. Now they consume me and I feel pathetic, but I'm torn between thinking I'm in a toxic relationship and worrying I am the problem for not being able to move past his words and actions.

So...my question(s) for you friends is/are: have you settled in a relationship or situation (school, work, etc) because you fundamentally believe that you are not worthy of more, not even worthy of enough? Have you allowed a SO to treat you in a way that you would have previously found unacceptable? How did you find the strength to leave (we live together) and how did you know it was the right decision? How can you tell the difference between a projection and a healthy/unhealthy situation?

I'm almost 30 and still clueless when it comes to handling myself in a relationship.

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nope. 18 and never been asked out... #foreveralone lol

Aw forever alone haha... I honestly can't imagine being 18 again, especially with the shift to social media! I think I had to pursue the guys I ended up dating at that age, though, so there is that. If I had waited for them to ask me, I probably would have been single for much longer.

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nope. 18 and never been asked out... #foreveralone lol

Aw forever alone haha... I honestly can't imagine being 18 again, especially with the shift to social media! I think I had to pursue the guys I ended up dating at that age, though, so there is that. If I had waited for them to ask me, I probably would have been single for much longer.

yeah i dont make any moves haha. gotta find a guy to like first though -_- im not really interested in anyone i know, at least so far

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nope. 18 and never been asked out... #foreveralone lol

im 19 and have never been asked out. booom

well doyyy youre a guy youre the one whos supposed to be doing the asking lol XD

sexist :o

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nope. 18 and never been asked out... #foreveralone lol

im 19 and have never been asked out. booom

well doyyy youre a guy youre the one whos supposed to be doing the asking lol XD

sexist gasp.gif

tongue.png theres probably a girl just waiting for you to ask her out. guys dont wait for girls to ask them out

edit: aaagh ruined my smiley! : P

Edited by Ilovemesomevanity
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nope. 18 and never been asked out... #foreveralone lol

im 19 and have never been asked out. booom

well doyyy youre a guy youre the one whos supposed to be doing the asking lol XD

sexist gasp.gif

tongue.png theres probably a girl just waiting for you to ask her out. guys dont wait for girls to ask them out

edit: aaagh ruined my smiley! : P

maybe im just not manly enough lol

or the fact that im incredible weird

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nope. 18 and never been asked out... #foreveralone lol

im 19 and have never been asked out. booom

well doyyy youre a guy youre the one whos supposed to be doing the asking lol XD

sexist gasp.gif

tongue.png theres probably a girl just waiting for you to ask her out. guys dont wait for girls to ask them out

edit: aaagh ruined my smiley! : P

maybe im just not manly enough lol

or the fact that im incredible weird

or maybe you havent tried asking any girls out lol

“We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.”

:D

lol yah im weird too...

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nope. 18 and never been asked out... #foreveralone lol

im 19 and have never been asked out. booom

well doyyy youre a guy youre the one whos supposed to be doing the asking lol XD

sexist gasp.gif

tongue.png theres probably a girl just waiting for you to ask her out. guys dont wait for girls to ask them out

edit: aaagh ruined my smiley! : P

maybe im just not manly enough lol

or the fact that im incredible weird

or maybe you havent tried asking any girls out lol

“We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.”

biggrin.png

lol yah im weird too...

high five

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Crusader, you pile several things in one post which makes it not very clear what the problem is.

If you obsess about his single remark about your acne, you are just being silly in my opinion. It might not be what you wanted to hear, but 1) he was honest with you; 2) he still dated you and is in relationship with you, so I assume he likes you the way you are. I mean, I would like my girlfriend to have a B-cup breasts, rather than A-cup, but it doesn't mean I like her any less or would leave her for someone with larger breasts because of it. And it certainly doesn't make her "inferior" in any way. Either way by asking such a question you would either get 1) a blatant sweet lie or 2) honest, but hurtful response. Choose you poison. There is no way to get around it.

Anyway, before making any rash decisions, please, talk to your SO and tell him how you feel. You'll be surprised how much can be gained just by talking honestly.

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Crusader, you pile several things in one post which makes it not very clear what the problem is.

If you obsess about his single remark about your acne, you are just being silly in my opinion. It might not be what you wanted to hear, but 1) he was honest with you; 2) he still dated you and is in relationship with you, so I assume he likes you the way you are. I mean, I would like my girlfriend to have a B-cup breasts, rather than A-cup, but it doesn't mean I like her any less or would leave her for someone with larger breasts because of it. And it certainly doesn't make her "inferior" in any way. Either way by asking such a question you would either get 1) a blatant sweet lie or 2) honest, but hurtful response. Choose you poison. There is no way to get around it.

Anyway, before making any rash decisions, please, talk to your SO and tell him how you feel. You'll be surprised how much can be gained just by talking honestly.

great answer. couldnt have put it better. if your acne really bothered him then you guys still wouldnt still be dating. for guys personality is really what touches the heart. and obviously yours is what captivated his. however if u carry on acting insecure he will flee quicker than a blink of an eye. so just accept the fact he is into u and enjoy it!

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Crusader, you pile several things in one post which makes it not very clear what the problem is.

If you obsess about his single remark about your acne, you are just being silly in my opinion. It might not be what you wanted to hear, but 1) he was honest with you; 2) he still dated you and is in relationship with you, so I assume he likes you the way you are. I mean, I would like my girlfriend to have a B-cup breasts, rather than A-cup, but it doesn't mean I like her any less or would leave her for someone with larger breasts because of it. And it certainly doesn't make her "inferior" in any way. Either way by asking such a question you would either get 1) a blatant sweet lie or 2) honest, but hurtful response. Choose you poison. There is no way to get around it.

Anyway, before making any rash decisions, please, talk to your SO and tell him how you feel. You'll be surprised how much can be gained just by talking honestly.

great answer. couldnt have put it better. if your acne really bothered him then you guys still wouldnt still be dating. for guys personality is really what touches the heart. and obviously yours is what captivated his. however if u carry on acting insecure he will flee quicker than a blink of an eye. so just accept the fact he is into u and enjoy it!

You certainly bring up a good point that my insecurity will drive him away; in fact, it's already a problem :[ I have let it bleed into other aspects of the relationship.

I suppose that I was surprised at his reply. We were having a playful conversation and it really hurt me that that was his first response, probably because it hits me in one of the most painful spots (whoa punny!). These remarks are totally off-handed and he doesn't try to be malicious, but it's a theme. I thought it might be his age? but perhaps you're right and I need to grow thicker skin.

Thanks for the feedback. It's especially interesting to hear from the men!

Crusader, you pile several things in one post which makes it not very clear what the problem is.

If you obsess about his single remark about your acne, you are just being silly in my opinion. It might not be what you wanted to hear, but 1) he was honest with you; 2) he still dated you and is in relationship with you, so I assume he likes you the way you are. I mean, I would like my girlfriend to have a B-cup breasts, rather than A-cup, but it doesn't mean I like her any less or would leave her for someone with larger breasts because of it. And it certainly doesn't make her "inferior" in any way. Either way by asking such a question you would either get 1) a blatant sweet lie or 2) honest, but hurtful response. Choose you poison. There is no way to get around it.

Anyway, before making any rash decisions, please, talk to your SO and tell him how you feel. You'll be surprised how much can be gained just by talking honestly.

Hai green tea, thanks so much for you input. I just didn't know I was choosing any poison :[ as I told the poster after you, it was a playful, sweet conversation and I was not prepared for such a response.

I hear you about your analogy, but you wouldn't TELL your SO that you'd prefer her with bigger breasts, right? Unless she directly asked you, and you were trying to be honest? Like if she had asked you the first thing you noticed about her, I'm sure it would hurt her if your reply was, "I thought you would be perfect if your breasts were larger." That's my point; it's the lack of empathy that I have a problem with, not the honesty. I wasn't asking what he thought about my skin :[ of which he knows I am dreadfully sensitive.

And your suggestion to initiate a conversation is right on. We have done that, and he tells me he doesn't think that now (my skin also cleared up)...so you're also right that it wasn't like it was a deal breaker for him. I guess I'm just trying to figure out how many times I want to get kicked in the balls, later having it chalked up to a lack of empathy from him (there have been other non-acne related remarks).

I apologize for the lack of clarity- I didn't want to write a novel, haha.

Be well!

Edit: yeesh, I forgot to address the point of my original post. I would never have let anyone put me down, especially physically, before I had acne. I would have never stuck around in a relationship where I felt basically unsafe, or one in which I felt a man was trying to knock my confidence for control. After having terrible skin, I began allowing people to treat me shitty, because it reflected what I believed about myself. Now I understand what I was doing, and I don't want to do it anymore! I'd like to have a relationship which reflects mutual attraction, love, and respect, not one that mirrors all the things I believe(d) to be wrong with my weight, skin, breast size, hair length, etc.

Edited by cosmic crusader
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Hi friends,

I have been so tormented lately and thought I would reach out to my peers to see if anyone else is/has been in a similar situation.

I am in my late twenties, and developed a moderately severe case of acne about 18 months ago. It is now pretty much under control apparently (carrot juice + retin a FTW), but the emotional scars are very deep and quite sensitive. I am also a recovering anorexic with terrible anxiety.

Last year around this time, I met a guy. He is younger than me, and we ended up dating. He is great in many ways, but seems to be quite superficial. I asked him once what he thought when he first saw me, and his answer was, "she would be perfect if she didn't have acne." I know. I might be a masochist staying with someone who feels okay saying that kind of shit to another, but I'm not sure if I am being too sensitive.

Here's the issue: I need to either let the really stupid stuff he's said go, or I need to go. I really don't know how to move past it. He says he doesn't feel that way now and it's my decision to continue dwelling, but I don't know that that matters. I think he's a great guy, but perhaps not the guy for me. I feel insecure and inferior, never good enough, around him (from appearances to talents to actions). I understand that I'm probably trying to "prove myself" constantly, which feels really shitty. The silly part is that I was a lot happier and more independent when I was single. At first, the way he acted seemed ridiculous and I could brush off the remarks because they did not reflect what I believed about myself. Somewhere along the line, though, my self-esteem and self-confidence deteriorated and I began to REALLY believe the lies. Now they consume me and I feel pathetic, but I'm torn between thinking I'm in a toxic relationship and worrying I am the problem for not being able to move past his words and actions.

So...my question(s) for you friends is/are: have you settled in a relationship or situation (school, work, etc) because you fundamentally believe that you are not worthy of more, not even worthy of enough? Have you allowed a SO to treat you in a way that you would have previously found unacceptable? How did you find the strength to leave (we live together) and how did you know it was the right decision? How can you tell the difference between a projection and a healthy/unhealthy situation?

I'm almost 30 and still clueless when it comes to handling myself in a relationship.

to answer your topic question, when i didn't feel worthy of love i wasn't in a relationship. i had a few friends, and i was very afraid of ANY new experience.

what i know about relationships..and believe me..i know very little..is that it's not black and white. you don't always fall for someone who's worthy of you, and who is good for you, and that's difficult to get past. emotions are raw, and when you love someone, you put up with shit that you probably wouldn't with most men or women..whichever gender you date. i have put up with bullshit and lies because i thought my love for them would make them a more considerate, or respectful person. those were painful, difficult lessons to learn.

from your post,. your boyfriend doesn't sound like a man who encourages you. he sounds overly critical, and knowing what he knows about your past..suffering from an eating disorder, and anxiety, he should be more sensitive about his words. i think any relationship will go through hard times, but you are asking the question have we ever settled for less..i hate to over-analyze, but i think you are asking this board because you feel you are settling.

grl, life is short. there are plenty of men out there. there is a very large chance that you will meet someone that you won't feel you have settled for. give yourself that chance.

and i apologize if i have said what everyone else has said. i didn't read all of the replies to your topic.

Edited by Jlisondra
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I personally feel that I've gotten stronger and developed a lot of confidence when it comes to love related topics with girls and such. I mean, sure, I fell for a girl just recently, and didn't get the response I was hoping for after writing her a song, but with her living on the other side of the country, I couldn't really do anything, but I'm sure you get my drift. Despite having quite a lot of feelings for her and treating her like she's the one, I knew I was taking a risk due to the distance apart, but other than that, yeah, at times I feel that I'll never find someone. I mean, it's always bugged me how bad guys get the girls. I mean, I've gotten told that I've got a bad boy image, but I'm really just a regular guy, whose sweet at heart. Violence against women disgusts me and it's pretty sad how girls I know go for guys who abuse them. I mean, hello, I'm right here. You can have someone who treats you right. Oh well, I'm pretty young, so it's not like there's no need to rush or anything.

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well doyyy youre a guy youre the one whos supposed to be doing the asking lol XD

That's the thing though...guys who have skin problems have like a ridiculously hard time honoring the normal gender role where guys are supposed to be the ones to ask out girls. The fear of rejection is through the roof....because we're always thinking about how girls will take one look at our skin, be like "EW" and then run away lol. :P

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well doyyy youre a guy youre the one whos supposed to be doing the asking lol XD

That's the thing though...guys who have skin problems have like a ridiculously hard time honoring the normal gender role where guys are supposed to be the ones to ask out girls. The fear of rejection is through the roof....because we're always thinking about how girls will take one look at our skin, be like "EW" and then run away lol. tongue.png

well yeah.... but i mean literally nothings going to happen if neither the guy or the girl says anything... and its the same for girls, were just not expected to do the asking hehehe... so we just sit there and wallow in self pity.... wait. thats probably just me.

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I'd say I've settled for less in every aspect of my life because of my skin. I think that this guy just isn't the one for you. I've liked this guy for almost a year now, who also likes me, and I've found that being around him just isn't good for me. I always feel insecure and emotionally exhausted when I'm with him, and I try really hard to be "good enough" for him, but I just end up feeling worse about myself when were together. It's not even my skin that really makes me feel this way, it's him. I feel so inferior, and our relationship feels toxic. You seem to know yourself well and have enough self-respect to know when to move on. If you're having these feelings and doubts, I'd say to move on and find someone who makes you feel good about yourself. I wish the best to you!

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Hi friends,

I have been so tormented lately and thought I would reach out to my peers to see if anyone else is/has been in a similar situation.

I am in my late twenties, and developed a moderately severe case of acne about 18 months ago. It is now pretty much under control apparently (carrot juice + retin a FTW), but the emotional scars are very deep and quite sensitive. I am also a recovering anorexic with terrible anxiety.

Last year around this time, I met a guy. He is younger than me, and we ended up dating. He is great in many ways, but seems to be quite superficial. I asked him once what he thought when he first saw me, and his answer was, "she would be perfect if she didn't have acne." I know. I might be a masochist staying with someone who feels okay saying that kind of shit to another, but I'm not sure if I am being too sensitive.

Here's the issue: I need to either let the really stupid stuff he's said go, or I need to go. I really don't know how to move past it. He says he doesn't feel that way now and it's my decision to continue dwelling, but I don't know that that matters. I think he's a great guy, but perhaps not the guy for me. I feel insecure and inferior, never good enough, around him (from appearances to talents to actions). I understand that I'm probably trying to "prove myself" constantly, which feels really shitty. The silly part is that I was a lot happier and more independent when I was single. At first, the way he acted seemed ridiculous and I could brush off the remarks because they did not reflect what I believed about myself. Somewhere along the line, though, my self-esteem and self-confidence deteriorated and I began to REALLY believe the lies. Now they consume me and I feel pathetic, but I'm torn between thinking I'm in a toxic relationship and worrying I am the problem for not being able to move past his words and actions.

So...my question(s) for you friends is/are: have you settled in a relationship or situation (school, work, etc) because you fundamentally believe that you are not worthy of more, not even worthy of enough? Have you allowed a SO to treat you in a way that you would have previously found unacceptable? How did you find the strength to leave (we live together) and how did you know it was the right decision? How can you tell the difference between a projection and a healthy/unhealthy situation?

I'm almost 30 and still clueless when it comes to handling myself in a relationship.

Never settle for second best regardless of your situation or your age.

If he makes you feel crap then move on. I think that you need to find yourself, deal with your issues and then be with someone.

If he is that shallow do you really want to waste your time on him?

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