Never been properly diagnosed but it's something I've talked about with my doctor and also in counseling sessions. I wasn't too bothered either way about getting a diagnosis as didn't really need a doctor to confirm it. I already knew what I was struggling with and I already knew how it made me feel. The acne on top of that just made things worse because they fed each other. I'm a compulsive skin picker as well so the combination of all three has pretty much controlled me for longer than i can even remember. I got to a point where I can function and I have a job I like, so I get on with that and stay busy. I wouldn't say I'm happy in any other aspect of my my life and it's a constant struggle to feel happy or comfortable in my own skin, but at least my job gives me a bit of a purpose and that's a start. I just take it one day at a time to be honest because I never really know how I'm going to feel about myself and what I see in the mirror from one day to the next.
adhpn7 - that's the advice I would give really, to take it one day at a time and to work on yourself one thing at a time. It's not always easy because we struggle to see the bigger picture. It's almost like having to view yourself through the eyes of someone else. This is a perfect example because, from what I can see on a physical level, without wanting to sound creepy, you're pretty and you have a nice smile. But I guess you won't see what others see and I don't suppose people saying things like that is always believable for you, such is the nature of BDD. All the same, it comes down to finding the positives, find what you do like about yourself and playing to that strength.
and yes it is something really difficult to deal with. I an currently seeing a psychiatrist for bdd but having acne as well and indented scars feel like a loss:(
Although I do not have BDD, I have a real phobia about acne or what I perceive to be acne. It stems back to when I had severe cystic acne at school and was bullied. Due to this, I have always associated acne (be it on my body or face) as being vile or repulsive and something that I have done wrong (this only applies to me - I do not think this about anyone else with acne). I do not get severe acne now - only a mild form of folliculitis. However, even a minor outbreak can leave me feeling disgusting. I have suffered with this for years and as I mentioned in a previous post, I have started counselling and will be having CBT in the next few months. Anyone who wants to talk about the emotional and psychological effects of acne - I have a lot of experience regarding this so feel free to PM me.
I totally understand feeling as if I've had body dysmorphic disorder. Having acne scarring can be totally thought-consuming at times. However, I think it's because people who've had skin disorders like acne, psoriasis, (and even disorders like rheumatoid arthritis, which can make the joints look different) etc. have experienced such trauma and self-scrutiny that they really become freaked out over other self-perceived 'imperfections'. I know, I've been there. Still struggling sometimes.
It certainly does feel a lot like BDD, but I'm not quite sure that a licensed therapist or psychologist would agree.
Don't get too down. You're beautiful!
I think I may have BDD, but I'm scared to ask for help. I can't look in the mirror and be happy. I have a hard time being happy at all, anymore. And I'm only in highschool. My family tells me its just a phase. But I know, it has to be something more. I feel like a monster. And I feel like everything that's wrong with me is because of bad things I've done. I constantly pick at my skin, too. It's almost like self harm, where people cut themselves to get rid of emotional pain, to instead feel physical pain. And when I think about these things I hate ably myself, they consume my thoughts and in my mind its either, I'll be better in the future or I should give up this struggle and die, and then I realise how selfish I'm being and in all this reflection on myself I get sick to to point I throw up. Just a few weeks ago I collapsed in the shower and had to go to the emergency room. These things are effecting my physical body as well. It is hell. And its real. It's so damn hard, I feel like I've never had a break. My whole childhood I spent crying, watching my mother struggle through abuse and depression, and all I cared about was her happieness. I've been emotionaly and verbally abused. I feel I have no where to turn. I don't want to be depressed anymore, I don't want to die. I don't want to feel less than everyone else because I have problems and I don't come from a wealthy background. I'm so lost for what to do. I guess mental illness runs in the family, but I don't want to believe it. But I don't want it to be a part of me.
I just want to be happy.
Sorry about ranting. I just wish I had someone I can talk to. I'm here to support anyone who needs it, for I have danced along the deepest depths of darkness, I can be an ear listen, or a shoulder to lean on... through the interwebs .-.
I think I may have BDD, but I'm scared to ask for help. I can't look in the mirror and be happy. I have a hard time being happy at all, anymore. And I'm only in highschool. My family tells me its just a phase. But I know, it has to be something more. I feel like a monster. And I feel like everything that's wrong with me is because of bad things I've done. I constantly pick at my skin, too. It's almost like self harm, where people cut themselves to get rid of emotional pain, to instead feel physical pain. And when I think about these things I hate ably myself, they consume my thoughts and in my mind its either, I'll be better in the future or I should give up this struggle and die, and then I realise how selfish I'm being and in all this reflection on myself I get sick to to point I throw up. Just a few weeks ago I collapsed in the shower and had to go to the emergency room. These things are effecting my physical body as well. It is hell. And its real. It's so damn hard, I feel like I've never had a break. My whole childhood I spent crying, watching my mother struggle through abuse and depression, and all I cared about was her happieness. I've been emotionaly and verbally abused. I feel I have no where to turn. I don't want to be depressed anymore, I don't want to die. I don't want to feel less than everyone else because I have problems and I don't come from a wealthy background. I'm so lost for what to do. I guess mental illness runs in the family, but I don't want to believe it. But I don't want it to be a part of me.
I just want to be happy.
Sorry about ranting. I just wish I had someone I can talk to. I'm here to support anyone who needs it, for I have danced along the deepest depths of darkness, I can be an ear listen, or a shoulder to lean on... through the interwebs .-.
Not to hijack adhpn7's thread, or anything... (And honestly, you might want to start your own, since it seems like you are steering just a little away from the original topic at hand. It might help to begin a thread that focuses solely on your issues. 
)but if what you say is true, and you really do have these thoughts on a regular basis, you should talk to someone you trust, someone who you believe you can put complete faith in as soon as possible. Tell him or her that you have urges to pick because there are things taking place in your life that you find nearly impossible to deal with.
This trusted person might guide you to seek the care of a professional, and I believe that would be a great way for you to begin coping with the issues you are dealing with right now. Don't be afraid to ask for help, there are people who go to school to become doctors (psychologists), nurses licensed in therapy, and spend years studying the thought patterns of people who have the same ideas that you're expressing. It's not their job to judge you, if that's what you're worried about. It's only their job to listen and offer help.
I've never been officially diagnosed with BDD but there are signs that I might have tendencies.
On the one hand, despite thinking that I look revolting myself, my doctor claimed that my skin was a little dry but that my scars and acne weren't bad enough for treatment. Along with this, my friends and family are always saying that my skin problems are minor or that they can't notice much.
On the other hand, I see what I see in the mirror - flakes, oily skin, scars, spots - so how can I be so mistaken? I don't have much luck with women, either, and I don't think I have a horrible personality, plus I'm intelligent and ambitious, so I assume there must be something wrong with my looks.
It's really difficult to know what or who to believe.
I suppose this must be the challenge that all BDD sufferers face: Do I have a psychological disorder or am I truly ugly? Am I lying to myself about my appearance or are other people lying to spare my feelings?
Big dick disorder? nah I dont have that. That would be kinda cool though. jk jk. GL!!
LMAO! I'd be REALLY worried if I had that disorder as I thought I was a girl ;0)
Yeah, I struggle with what's in the mirror. I think there is a physical and an internal problem for me. I am not sure I technically qualify as bdd because I don't think cystic acne necessarily qualifies as an "imagined or minor flaw". (Though it is usually only one or two cysts at a time and maybe a little bit of milder acne and a few marks thrown in). Regardless of whether or not what I see in the mirror is realistic or totally blown out of proportion, it causes problems and has a profound effect psychologically.
I was praying about this and in a very short time period, I heard about 6 or 7 stories of people who were severe burn victims. Their faces were quite disfigured with burns and yet they discovered that some other people truly cared about them and loved them for them. They all managed to go on and live productive lives despite their disfigurement. I have a hard time doing that but the stories were encouraging to me. They seemed to have a lot of the same thoughts and fears that I struggle with, and they managed to be ok, so I thought maybe I could be ok too.
BDD and acne can both be very crippling, but I believe there is hope for both. You can get through this. I started reading a book called "Feeling Good About How You Look" by Sabine Wilhelm. It's a self help book for BDD. If you find a book like that is not enough, I'd really consider going to a counselor and letting them help you through the healing process. People DO heal and find hope, so please don't give up trying.
I've never been officially diagnosed with BDD but there are signs that I might have tendencies.
On the one hand, despite thinking that I look revolting myself, my doctor claimed that my skin was a little dry but that my scars and acne weren't bad enough for treatment. Along with this, my friends and family are always saying that my skin problems are minor or that they can't notice much.
On the other hand, I see what I see in the mirror - flakes, oily skin, scars, spots - so how can I be so mistaken? I don't have much luck with women, either, and I don't think I have a horrible personality, plus I'm intelligent and ambitious, so I assume there must be something wrong with my looks.
It's really difficult to know what or who to believe.
I suppose this must be the challenge that all BDD sufferers face: Do I have a psychological disorder or am I truly ugly? Am I lying to myself about my appearance or are other people lying to spare my feelings?
I know exactly that feeling. My family does the same thing too. I have never seen you, but I can say that you probably aren't ugly at all. We tend to criticise and overlook things about ourselves, obsessively. Those with BDD, however; tend to view themselves as monsters, so I've heard. That's quite a criticism for yourself, to feel like you are, or look... monstrous. I think everyone in this world is a little crazy, and I also think everyone in this world is beautiful in their own way, and the ugly side tends to come more from within, from the darkest deepest depths of the human psyche and the human nature.
I know sometimes life is hard, but the best thing you can do is role with the punches. And if you do, if you push through all this hurt, one day, you'll look back and smile... and see all that you've done regardless of how you looked at the time. Our physical bodies are just our vessels in life. What matters is what we do with our lives. Now what would you have to show for in the end if all you did was worry about what everyone thinks of you, or how you look. Just live life day by day, you'll figure it out (:
I might have tendencies even though it's not illusion that I have moderately severe acne. I also have a history of bulimia which I thought I had healed from but it turns out that 3 years later, yes, I relapsed recently a bit =( So I definitely know what it's like to have an extremely negative perception of my body and deal with all of the monstrocities that come along with that. BIG HUG to you
You're beautiful, and I know it's hard to accept even with cystic acne but I was surprised recently to look back at some old pictures, remembering how shitty I felt at the time and realize, WOW, yes I did and still do have acne but my mind completely blew it out of proportion.
At one point in my life I constantly thought that I was fat.
I'm not talking about going 'I look a bit bloated today'. I'm talking about looking in the mirror and seeing someone a lot bigger than I actually was.
At school I got bullied to an extreme - to the point where I was physically beaten constantly for being 'fat, a 'beast' etc. I was always very tall at school and about a dress size 14 (this matched the rest of my adult proportions, but most of my class mates were still in age 14 clothes). At the time I thought I was disgusting, some big blundering idiot that was utterly useless to the world and just taking up oxygen. It wasn't just my weight - even though I wasn't over weight, and if I was, not by much at all - it was my hair too. It was brown and thick and textured. Most days I got told to 'sort myself out' or 'do something' with my hair. In the end I bleached it, causing a lot of damage, I think I may have been allergic to the bleach and my hair went like straw.
I eventually contracted a severe throat infection through a weakened immune system from stress and couldn't eat. I ended up in hospital because I lost weight incredibly rapidly and I was very ill. It came out about the bullying then; I'd not told anyone before, because I was completley convinced that it was all my own fault for being so fat and ugly.
For a long time after that I was eight stone. When you keep in mind that at the time I was 5"9, then 5"10, with a fair bit of muscle mass and quite prominent bones, you get an idea of how unhealthy I looked. It wasn't that I didn't eat properly, I just couldn't put weight on. But at the time I still looked in the mirror and saw fat. Fat and ugly and huge. The amount of times I cried about it was unreal. I was a size 8 and all I saw in the mirror was an elephant.
People would always tell me that I was thin enough to be a model, pretty. I thought every single one of them was lying to me and got distraught that they would lie. It made me think that I must be terrible for everyone to have to lie like that. I had arguments in my relationships because they would say I looked nice and I would be horrified that even they could lie to me. Every time somebody paid me a compliment I felt uncomfortable, like it was just forced, the expected thing to do. I literally couldn't even look at certain celebrities because I'd fall into upset about how perfect they were.
I got over the hair thing not long after leaving school. I stopped bleaching it, started deep conditioning it, embraced that it was thick. Started to see it as a positive of healthy hair. Now I love having it curly, or back combed, or in some crazy style. I think it's because I started spending more time with my family, most of whom have dark, thick hair. I felt like it was ok to be different. So ok in fact that I embraced the whole gothic clothing movement (I still like elements of that dress sense to this day, although I've grown out of the hard core stuff).
But it was only very recently that I stopped thinking of myself as fat. It was an odd instant kind of moment. Understand that I've been building myself up over several years now; looking outside of myself at the wider world, seeing how I can help the people around me, learning that I can make a positive difference and achieve things.
I joined a gym. It was just after my dad joined one; I did it to boost my immune system, over all health and mood. I didn't think I could improve my body shape any because at home exercise never helped me see any difference. You get a free personal trainer session and mine was with a really well built tall guy.
He asked me where my previous gym was. When I said I'd not been to one before he looked confused and asked me again where my previous gym was. When I told him again that this was my first gym he said 'you look like that and you've never been to a gym before?!". Then he asked me how much muscle I wanted to build and where. Aparrently one of the other trainers also asked my dad what my routine was on the day that I joined.
Somehow ever since then I've just been able to see that I'm not over weight. Apparently all it took was a professional who specialized in improving body condition telling me that I was fine.
I do of course also have acne and a lot of people tell me that I think it's worse than it actually is. Even though people don't seem to notice it I sometimes get bursts of thinking how prominent it must look. I'm actually really surprised that people on here think it's mild because I've always thought of it as moderate (although I'm clearing up with hormonal changes at the moment).
So even though I don't have BDD (although I've known a few people that have told me I have it, not medical people though) I do know the feeling of constantly being told one thing and thinking another.
At one point in my life I constantly thought that I was fat.
I'm not talking about going 'I look a bit bloated today'. I'm talking about looking in the mirror and seeing someone a lot bigger than I actually was.
At school I got bullied to an extreme - to the point where I was physically beaten constantly for being 'fat, a 'beast' etc. I was always very tall at school and about a dress size 14 (this matched the rest of my adult proportions, but most of my class mates were still in age 14 clothes). At the time I thought I was disgusting, some big blundering idiot that was utterly useless to the world and just taking up oxygen. It wasn't just my weight - even though I wasn't over weight, and if I was, not by much at all - it was my hair too. It was brown and thick and textured. Most days I got told to 'sort myself out' or 'do something' with my hair. In the end I bleached it, causing a lot of damage, I think I may have been allergic to the bleach and my hair went like straw.
I eventually contracted a severe throat infection through a weakened immune system from stress and couldn't eat. I ended up in hospital because I lost weight incredibly rapidly and I was very ill. It came out about the bullying then; I'd not told anyone before, because I was completley convinced that it was all my own fault for being so fat and ugly.
For a long time after that I was eight stone. When you keep in mind that at the time I was 5"9, then 5"10, with a fair bit of muscle mass and quite prominent bones, you get an idea of how unhealthy I looked. It wasn't that I didn't eat properly, I just couldn't put weight on. But at the time I still looked in the mirror and saw fat. Fat and ugly and huge. The amount of times I cried about it was unreal. I was a size 8 and all I saw in the mirror was an elephant.
People would always tell me that I was thin enough to be a model, pretty. I thought every single one of them was lying to me and got distraught that they would lie. It made me think that I must be terrible for everyone to have to lie like that. I had arguments in my relationships because they would say I looked nice and I would be horrified that even they could lie to me. Every time somebody paid me a compliment I felt uncomfortable, like it was just forced, the expected thing to do. I literally couldn't even look at certain celebrities because I'd fall into upset about how perfect they were.
I got over the hair thing not long after leaving school. I stopped bleaching it, started deep conditioning it, embraced that it was thick. Started to see it as a positive of healthy hair. Now I love having it curly, or back combed, or in some crazy style. I think it's because I started spending more time with my family, most of whom have dark, thick hair. I felt like it was ok to be different. So ok in fact that I embraced the whole gothic clothing movement (I still like elements of that dress sense to this day, although I've grown out of the hard core stuff).
But it was only very recently that I stopped thinking of myself as fat. It was an odd instant kind of moment. Understand that I've been building myself up over several years now; looking outside of myself at the wider world, seeing how I can help the people around me, learning that I can make a positive difference and achieve things.
I joined a gym. It was just after my dad joined one; I did it to boost my immune system, over all health and mood. I didn't think I could improve my body shape any because at home exercise never helped me see any difference. You get a free personal trainer session and mine was with a really well built tall guy.
He asked me where my previous gym was. When I said I'd not been to one before he looked confused and asked me again where my previous gym was. When I told him again that this was my first gym he said 'you look like that and you've never been to a gym before?!". Then he asked me how much muscle I wanted to build and where. Aparrently one of the other trainers also asked my dad what my routine was on the day that I joined.
Somehow ever since then I've just been able to see that I'm not over weight. Apparently all it took was a professional who specialized in improving body condition telling me that I was fine.
I do of course also have acne and a lot of people tell me that I think it's worse than it actually is. Even though people don't seem to notice it I sometimes get bursts of thinking how prominent it must look. I'm actually really surprised that people on here think it's mild because I've always thought of it as moderate (although I'm clearing up with hormonal changes at the moment).
So even though I don't have BDD (although I've known a few people that have told me I have it, not medical people though) I do know the feeling of constantly being told one thing and thinking another.
It's surprising how many people on here have never been diagnosed with BDD and yet clearly exhibit key signs and symptoms.
I recognise a lot of my own experiences in your story. I, too, was bullied badly in school - bullied for being too skinny (I'm a male), too quiet and too clever. Although they never picked on my skin, I think a lot of my insecurity (but also my drive and determination) comes from that bullying.
I also do that thing of not accepting compliments. The other day I was walking along the street and a girl said, 'Hi, sexy!' to me - my immediate thoughts weren't, 'Oh, I'm so attractive' or 'Maybe I should get her number'. Instead I thought, 'She was making fun, wasn't she?' 'She was being sarcastic' or 'She must have been talking to someone behind me' or 'Maybe she didn't see my face properly'. Anything to dismiss the compliment. On the other hand, I take even the slightest put down to heart and replay it over and over in my mind for months if not years.
And I recognise not being able to look at 'perfect' celebrities. I will turn a television show I'm enjoying off if I see a hunky man, with women fawning over him, on there. I can't handle it. It annoys me a bit that people assume all men are super-confident and that only women are affected by images of perfection, when men are increasingly being treated like sex objects now too.
If anyone could recommend ways of overcoming BDD-like symptoms, I'd be interested to hear. I've tried to take all the steps to improving confidence - I do brave things like public speaking, travelling, asking girls on dates, starting conversations with strangers - but nothing seems to be improving my self-esteem. Maybe there comes a point where you need some sort of professional help?
I've never been officially diagnosed with BDD but there are signs that I might have tendencies.
On the one hand, despite thinking that I look revolting myself, my doctor claimed that my skin was a little dry but that my scars and acne weren't bad enough for treatment. Along with this, my friends and family are always saying that my skin problems are minor or that they can't notice much.
On the other hand, I see what I see in the mirror - flakes, oily skin, scars, spots - so how can I be so mistaken? I don't have much luck with women, either, and I don't think I have a horrible personality, plus I'm intelligent and ambitious, so I assume there must be something wrong with my looks.
It's really difficult to know what or who to believe.
I suppose this must be the challenge that all BDD sufferers face: Do I have a psychological disorder or am I truly ugly? Am I lying to myself about my appearance or are other people lying to spare my feelings?
I know exactly that feeling. My family does the same thing too. I have never seen you, but I can say that you probably aren't ugly at all. We tend to criticise and overlook things about ourselves, obsessively. Those with BDD, however; tend to view themselves as monsters, so I've heard. That's quite a criticism for yourself, to feel like you are, or look... monstrous. I think everyone in this world is a little crazy, and I also think everyone in this world is beautiful in their own way, and the ugly side tends to come more from within, from the darkest deepest depths of the human psyche and the human nature.
I know sometimes life is hard, but the best thing you can do is role with the punches. And if you do, if you push through all this hurt, one day, you'll look back and smile... and see all that you've done regardless of how you looked at the time. Our physical bodies are just our vessels in life. What matters is what we do with our lives. Now what would you have to show for in the end if all you did was worry about what everyone thinks of you, or how you look. Just live life day by day, you'll figure it out (:
Thanks for your encouragement.
I think a lot of the trouble is that I don't see myself as a monster all the time - because of skin problems, my view of myself changes so drastically depending on lighting and angle. I can go from thinking I like okay, even handsome, to calling myself repulsive, abnormal, disfigured, etc.
I have let my insecurity affect my love-life, definitely. But I do have to say that I haven't let my appearance hold me back from achieving my goals, however. Only the other day I handed in a PhD thesis, which I'm proud of, and I was recently offered a book contract after years of hard work. I also give public speeches and lectures, which I think is brave for someone who doesn't like the way they look. I remember when my skin was at its worst, I pinned this quote up on my wall and drew inspiration from it:
"Find a place inside where there's joy and the joy will burn out the pain".
- Joseph Campbell
I think a lot of the trouble is that I don't see myself as a monster all the time - because of skin problems, my view of myself changes so drastically depending on lighting and angle. I can go from thinking I like okay, even handsome, to calling myself repulsive, abnormal, disfigured, etc.
Quiet Jamie, I can totally relate to the above statement.
For many years, my view of myself would be totally dependent on what I saw in the mirror first thing in the morning. If I felt that my skin looked ok, I would feel good about myself and relatively confident. However, if I perceived my skin and acne to be not so good, my instinct was to call myself repulsive, hideous, vile, ugly scum. On many occasions I would actually verbally shout at my reflection in the mirror.
Like many of the posters on here I was bullied at school and I do not think that it is any coincidence that these experiences in our formative years have led to the insecurities that we had or still have to this day.
Recently, I have really made an effort to try to be more positive and not focus on my skin. However in the past couple of days it has been a lot harder as good old acne has decided to rear it`s ugly head and I am in the midst of probably the worst breakout that I have suffered in the past few years.
Just for the record, a few months ago an event in my life made me realise that this continual cycle of one day liking myself and the next day beating myself up could not continue so I decided to have private counselling. This has been very helpful in allowing me to open up about the situation and as a consequence, I decided to approach my GP about CBT (cognitive behaviourial therapy). I have been put forward for this and hope to commence CBT sessions in the next 3-6 months. When it does eventually commence, I will try to post a blog.
I was going to start a topic similar to this one but it's easier if I just say it here:
I feel like I am insane.
BDD makes me feel like I have zero control over my life b/c my mood fluctuates so much on a daily basis based upon what I see in the mirror - or rather what I BELIEVE I am seeing. Today was one of those days that started normally but then changed. At first my skin issue seemed fine and I was content, went to the gym and so on. Later in the day, my skin issue seemed so much worse, in EVERY MIRROR. I literally spent the last almost 2 hours going from mirror to mirror, obsessing over my flaws.
I am a guy. Not very macho. Also, I'm 22, the real world is pretty much here and I can't deal with this battle. It's been going on for nearly 5 years. It's one of those things - which is the REAL me I see in the mirror? The one with a VERY noticable physical skin defect or the one with a defect so minor that no one notices at all. Do people not stare because they're being polite or because they don't see what I see... what I physically see in the mirror sometimes (key word; sometimes, which is distortions I suppose).
P.s. I am on anti-depressants and I have seen 2 therapists and am currently doing acupuncture, so I am fighting this.
Is this what you guys deal with as well?
I do not have BDD, but I do deal with Type 1 Bipolar. This means endless trips to the psychiatrist to confirm, evaluate, and readjust my medication. It means continually checking in with my loved ones to make sure that I'm sounding and acting balanced (or at least honest when I'm not able to be those things), Constant, constant mental and emotional hypersensitivity. Is this mood going to be too much? Will I be triggered today? Where are my safe spaces? What can I do to help myself? To make it easier for others to help me? And it means often second guessing everything I think, do, and feel.
It's exhausting some days. An "infuriating concentration", as an author put it. But it is day to day, and every day I have to commit to living as well as I can - and seek help when I am not living well. Some days this comes easy. Some days it does not. It is not a death sentence, even as it often feels like it.
It will not go away. Treatment will not make it disappear. I will always have it. Between the swings and the medication, I often feel like I have no control over my life. A slave to the arbitrary twitches of a broken brain.
But it is who I am. This is what I have. There is no other way.
You just really depressed me lol. I feel for you though, I wish I could turn the "give a damn" switch off in my brain and just LIVE. If mirrors didn't exist and I had no idea what I looked like, my life would be perfectly normal.
Life is tough no question. Sometimes it kicks you right in the crotch. We all live on a wire everyday when you think about it, SO MANY things can just go wrong at any moment and SHATTER your life.
Let's just be thankful we get to experience life at all. The good and bad. It's never beautiful but beautiful in every way. Damn, I'm so philosophical. #winning