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bizz

Looking Back, This Has Shaped My Life In Horrible Ways, And I Am So Angry About It.

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I've dealt with this for ten years. Despite a minor break in high school, when I started Accutane, I realize incredibly important decisions to NOT do things--not pursue part-time work or internships in college (which I'm paying for now), not socialize, not even bother learning how to deal with members of the opposite sex, not do anything that involved being around people, other than class or day-to-day errands--has all been affected by cystic acne or the side effects (fatigue, joint pain, brain fog).

I hate myself for it.

This has honestly ruined my life and I can't imagine telling this to anyone without sounding both pathetic and gross. One can't understand it unless you've started the first day of school with itchy, painful, disgusting little balls of pus and gunk swelling your face to twice its actual size year after year.

Lately I've been so tired I fall asleep without putting on BP (which I hate) or retinoids (also hate) and I am waking up with a new cyst every day, even on Aldactone and using salicylic acid. Had to get injections for eight of them this week and now my face is all spotted. On Accutane, the acne marks would heal--now, they seem to last forever or old healed zits recur. And all the vitamin C products I've tried have broken me out.

I haven't changed moisturizers, I clean my make up brushes, I'm not using comedogene-filled hair or face products (I check ingredients fastidiously), and still, this is happening. I've been on the drug for two years after three cycles of Accutane. I had to go from 100 mg to 50 mg because it was making my hair thin severely, and even now I think it's causing me to bruise every time I so much as shave my legs.

I dress or wear make up to hide, not to accentuate. I used to actually enjoy wearing lipstick and stuff; there's no point now. I never got my ears pierced because I don't want anyone's eyes drawn to my face.

It's difficult getting through the day; the impotent anger I feel towards myself, the horrible guilt, the knowledge that the school/work-related things that make me so unhappy now are directly related to how I behaved in college (three years ago).

I wish no one had to deal with this. It's gobsmacking looking at people with perfectly clear, unmottled skin and wondering why the hell anyone has to live with this. The only thing that makes it worse is the INCREDIBLE amount of time and money wasted on things that don't work, or looking for products for acne-prone skin only to find one's benzoyl peroxide or acne mark treatment has effing isopropyl myristate or something in it. Everything but salicylic acid is destined to break me out, even the Neutrogena Fight-and-Fade astringent (and thus, glycolic acid).

It's miserable. I hate managing this--even on a "good day", I have skin I wouldn't want to look at or touch, with its post-acne stripes and gaping pores--and I hate living with it.

Sorry to ramble, I needed to vent someplace.

Edited by bizz

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I can relate to almost all of that. Not doing anything has made me an antisocial person. Now going out meeting people is torturous and stressful. I don't know what to do when I'm around people. And it also made me the biggest bitch of all time, and there are people want me to die and despise me. Spent hundreds of hours and money on medications, makeup, topicals... and developed an obsession about my skin... People just effortlessly have nice skin and they can't understand what we're going through. Sometimes when they ask stupid questions or say horrible things I just want to die or vanish right away. It just sucks and nothing can't change it.

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Yup!! Skin issues are fucking horrible! Just don't stop searching for your cure. It's out there for everyone. Have you considered talking to a therapist? It's really helped me...a lot!

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I relate.

Acne has made me self-conscious in every way. I Don't even want to do simple things in public. Going to the store to shop terrifies me because of the florescent lighting which only further makes my skin look disgusting. If I could, I would be a complete hermit. I don't even want to make people look at my face. Needless to say, this has obviously effected my ability to socialize, if it's not blatant enough. I still spend time with friends, but I have a lot of trouble associating with other people that I don't know because I feel all they can see is my skin. I can't feel comfortable anymore in any social situation.

My acne is starting to manifest a hate for people with effortlessly clean skin. I want to punch my friend when he complains about a small zit on his forehead when the rest of his skin is perfectly clear.

The only thing that's helping me along the way is the hope that my skin will clear up soon. Frankly, I'm about ready to go order concealer just to help me deal with everyday life. I can't stand the constant anxiety or wanting to break the mirror when I catch my reflection.

I just wish people knew how I felt.

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I can relate to this. I never thought acne would play such a big role in my life! Not only does it suck when people who have clear skin don't do anything to have it, it's even worse when people assume I don't care about my skin because I have acne.

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Hi there Bizz, I have read a few of your posts and I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling so low.

First of all, how long have you been on the regimen for? Are you still on it? A lot of the time when I am feeling low I will proclaim that I have a tried everything and that there is no cure for it and I will always be like this, when the reality is there are many avenues left to explore in my treatment. Do you know if your acne is to do with your hormones? Is it linked to to polycystic ovary syndrome? For example, there is a drug called spironolactone which helps clear up acne completely for some women whose acne is closely linked with these.

Secondarily, I have seen many members on this board who feel like their acne is severe and utterly humiliating when in reality, their acne is not that bad at all - acne dysmorphia is a very serious condition. To that end, perhaps you should speak to a professional. CBT helps a lot, as it gets rid of those automatic negative thoughts (I have acne, therefore I am worthless or I have made mistakes, therefore I am worthless). You could also consider going on anti-depressants if you are predisposed to it in the first instance.

Remember this, though - there are no quick cures for acne. Treatments take a long time to kick in. And it really sucks but you just have to hang in there, safe in the knowledge that if you just try hard enough and have enough patience, you will get clear. In the mean time, I think you should really aim to treat the psychological symptoms.

I hope this helps.

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Thank you; I see both a psychiatrist and a dermatologist (have since I was 14, when I was diagnosed with cystic acne). As I said, I am on aldactone/spiro and unfortunately it is not all that helpful. Adjusting to it was an unpleasant process and I have been on it for longer than two years. It started making my hair fall out when I took it in high doses.

I just don't know what to do. It keeps serious cystic acne at bay but I suspect it is causing serious acne marks and bruising/clotting problems as well, and the acne marks are almost as unattractive as the acne.

It's frustrating to still deal with this. With all due respect, there's really only so much talking with a CBT can do when society says acne is conventionally unattractive. This has been a ten year long problem; I know I'm definitely not the only person with longterm acne and am deeply grateful I have health coverage that allows me to seek professional help, but to think hormonal acne and resigning myself to the effects of medication will be a lifelong battle is depressing. It has actually affected things I cannot make good on now at this stage of my life.

The next step is testing for PCOS.

Thank you for your compassion.

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Don't have much to add to what has already been said than that salicylic acid made things worse in cycles for me. Sure it helped speed up the shedding and new skin renewal process however after that continued use only lead to more cysts. So now i dont use it and i havent had that problem.. strange. Try it see what happens.

I use dkr's bp, and jojoba oil. AhA as spot treat ONLY, as in active spots to fade the discoloration as the acid will iritate the unaffected skin and can cause problems.

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I kind of feel what you are saying, i never had moderated to severe acne just mild but i still have acne. The good thing about my skin is that i can cover it up with cover stick i don´t use it to hide my bags under my eyes (which i don´t have it) but i use it to cover my pimples and red marks caused by previous pimples. A lot of people compliment on my skin saying how pale and clean looks but i know there are gonna be people who are gonna say that all i´m doing is covering my face wth makeup and not showing who i´m. But i´m tire of people remembering me for the girl who had acne, my sister said horrible things about my skin, my nephew did it too, my mom, my dad etc. So if i have to live this life with makeup on then so be it, my boyfriend is the only one who can see me with my real skin with no makeup on. But i still enjoy life and i don´t care about acne anymore, i used to care about acne before so much that i missed all the things i could have done, hanging out with y friends, being with my boyfriend, enjoying life to the fullest, being able to look at someone in their face without being shy etc. Now it´s my time to shine and i´ll do it my way. And i think you should do it too and i know that for you is 100% worse and hard to get out of your house with a face full of acne but people nowdays are very superficial but you got to ignore them even though is hard to ignore negative comments. You are a young person and you need to enjoy life before it´s too late. for how long are you gonna be like this? you need to think about the future and the more you do the less acne you are going to see in your face. Don´t let no one on this earth put you down, if you are force to wear makeup then do it. if you like someone then date that person. do not miss to do things in life just because of acne. theres a reason why you keep living this life, it´s time to make a change. do it!.

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