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ledzep

Tired Of Being Alone And Afraid

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Today I have my first dermatologist appointment for the purpose of getting accutane. Having had acne for over a decade I'm just completely exhausted with everything that comes with it. For most part I think i've dealt with the physical stuff as I best I could, but I've really let acne effect my emotional relationships which is something I have nothing but regret about. So its time, finally, to take the plunge and take accutane. I've decided that even if I do get some of the worst side effects, it will still be better than constantly crying and being afraid of how my skin will react on a day to day basis without any hope that its going to get better. My dream is very simple: I hope one day to be able to wake up, go outside and go to work without having to look in the mirror to see how badly my skin has reacted during the night. That's it. For me, that would be the greatest pleasure after being held prisoner by a disease that has taken almost everything away from me. Hopefully accutane will get me there.

Edited by ledzep

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Accutane has tempted me for years. I always tried to fix my skin without it, but so far I couldn't. If I don't find something that works in the next few months, I will probably be where you are now.

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Sorry to hear that Omnivium, I too digressed for about 7 years when I first heard about accutane. At the time it seemed too powerful a drug for my acne, but as the years have gone by and I still get breakouts on a daily basis, I realise that I've just been treading water, so to speak, with all the various treatments that I've tried and my entire life with acne has been leading up to this point. Its time to put an end to it, once and for all!

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Good luck whatthekell let me know how your progress goes! Got back from the derm this morning, appointment went fine and i finally got accutane (yay!!), after all the treatments, endless money that i've spent on products that have had little to no effect, i'm finally taking charge of this situation; feel i should have done this when i was 18 but what the hell. I'm on 70 mg a day for 4 months. I cannot wait to finally look people in the eye and be able to smile with confidence!

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Day 3: Doing fine at the moment with accutane, I stocked up on a ton of moisturizers before I started which is alleviating any dryness symptoms. I've noticed very slight changes in the dryness of my skin, but overall the medication is working well and seems to be helping my acne a lot.

Edited by ledzep

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Good luck I know how you feel it takes a toll on your social interactions an you feel like the work is looking at you but accutane will work just have to be patient I'm on day 20 an I was so happy my initial break out is don'e with now there's less on my face an I go out side now with the confidence I had before

Good luck with your treatment :)

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Thanks for the kind words Jay, yeah acne has really inhibited how I approach people over the years. No matter how much I tried to be myself and happy when my acne was bad, I always felt terrible inside during a breakout and much calmer and confident when my skin calmed down. Fist thing I'm going to do when I get clear is go on a camping trip! I've always loved trekking outdoors but have felt too embarrassed due to my skin to do it much over the last 8 or so years.

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Good luck! It's a long haul, but given how your acne affects you mentally, I definitely think you made the right decision. I'm sure you've read up plenty about it, but don't be surprised if/when an initial breakout happens; it's hard to be positive during it, but just remember than anything that surfaces during your Accutane course had to come up at some point, so it's best to just get it over with, yeah? By the way, have you got any Aquaphor for your lips? It's great stuff, way better than regular lip balm.

Oh, and I also strongly suggest you take pictures throughout your treatment. You can hide your eyes and whatnot if you're afraid of being identified (though the odds are slim, don't worry), but it's great to be able to actually see how your skin changes. It also allows for people on here to objectively look at your pictures; you might think your skin is looking worse, but everyone else may disagree! Plus, before/after comparsions always kick ass.

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Hi LedZep (I'm a fan too by the way ;)

It breaks my heart to read your first post, I felt exactly the same... its awful waking up every morning dashing to the mirror to see what new friends had joined my face party over night, it affects everything. Well done on starting your course, like you say the side effects are nothing compared to the anguish of trying a million different products and constantly blaming yourself for not sticking to a certain regime etc.There will be a million ups and downs but before you know it you will be clearing up and feeling over the moon.

I made it out the other side ;) here's my log.

http://www.acne.org/messageboard/index.php/topic/306982-my-face/

Accutane WORKS!! x x x

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@- - - -: Thanks for the response mate, I've been looking into getting aquaphor for my lips but can't seem to find it in the pharmacies where I am. Not sure if anyone from the UK has suggestions about a similar product you can get from boots etc? I actually feel an increase in positivity now that I'm on accutane, I think that's correlated to the knowledge that I'm finally doing something that will work eventually on my skin, whereas there was always that lingering feeling of doubt with other products that my skin will never really get better.

@ Need solutions: Much appreciated mate, I've spent most of my 20's trying to build up all the typical kinds of social relationships that one is expected to engage in but I've always been held back by low images of self esteem that have exponentially increased over the years. I basically reached the stage where I just said, enough is enough! I'm an adult now and I really shouldn't be having to deal with this!

@ Quiescence: I really enjoyed reading your blog, good to know that other people in the UK have gone through the NHS and come out feeling positive with roaccutane! How long did you try other products for before deciding to get a dermatologist referall? Yeah led zeppelin are a particular favourite of mine, as well as classic 80's bands such as guns n roses, motley crue, skid row: so many bands coming out now don't have that kind of energy! I'm going to be booking tickets to glastonbury next year, looking forward to going camping with my friends with clear skin smile.png

Day 4:

I wake up feeling pretty hungover these days, anyone else experienced that in the initial stages? Skin is doing ok but I'm having a breakout predominantly with whiteheads at the moment, good thing is they heal really quickly, much faster than before my accutane journey. I also experienced the initial stages of mild back pain yesterday, nothing bad just a little jolt if my posture is poor. I'm not sure whether I can risk running though whilst on tane as I don't want to aggravate my joints needlessly, but running is such a big passion of mine I really dont think I can last 4 months without some decent exercise!

Its raining here in England at the mo, summer is gone! I'm listening to Jimmy eat world which always lifts up my mood during september smile.png

Edited by ledzep

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Ahhh some of my fave bands there too! I totally agree with the new bands thing... Have you heard of a band called Turbowolf? They are touring the UK this October and are mind-blowing, such energy! Check them out on youtube!

I've had bad skin on and off since I was 19 (I was 25 when i started roaccutane) but the latest bout was by far the worst and lasted about 2 years, during which I tried all sorts, a million contraceptive pills, duac, clinique anti-blemish, benzoyl, clearasil, differin etc etc... I was always so scared of accutane but wish i'd done it years ago... x x x

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Lol, Quiescence this band is killa! I love the whole queens of the stone age crossed with black sabbath vibe, definitely my kind of music! Might try and go and see them live at some point, always up for going to gigs :)

Day 6:

I've had a breakout recently which is definitely in relation to accutane. Its only whiteheads (no cysts thankfully) but their appearing at such an accelerated rate that I can only assume that tane is the cause behind it. Oh well, I suppose it had to happen sooner or later and I'd much rather have poor skin for a few months than have to suffer mild breakouts for years down the line. Only other side effects thus far is dryness (easily dealt with moisturizer) and dry hair, which I'm quite concerned about. I think i'll go and buy a swimming cap today so that my hair doesn't have to get constantly wet when I go in the shower.

Also I went running yesterday and didn't have any problem with my joints! Such a relief, as with giving up booze for 4/5 months I have to have some outlet to keep me sane during this period :)

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Day 8:

Really struggling the last few days. I've had a terrible breakout of cysts that look and feel awful. My skin hasn't looked this bad in about 3 years- I don't know how I'm going to make it into work today with skin like this. FML!

update:

Called in sick, just couldn't deal with it today sad.png

Edited by ledzep

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Hang in there! Your skin gets much worse before it gets better. I had my IB around the time of my graduation (just great timing face, thanks).

I love that one of the first things you want to do is go camping, me tooooo! I used to go to festivals all the time, and loved camping, but havent in the last few years due to acne, it's lame. People don't realise how much it can stop you doing.

Buuuut, hopefully now we're both on the road to solve that! cheer.gif

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Thanks ClearDreaming, I don't really have anyone who I can talk to about my skin so having this board is a life-saver. Today is just one of those days where I can't face the world. Yeah camping is a favourite hobby of mine! I haven't done it though in so long because my skin always breaks out during the night- the last time I went camping with friends it brought me out in a bad panic attack as I didn't have a mirror nearby and was stressing that my skin was looking awful (turns out I was right but my friends were kind enough to ignore it).

I see your on roaccutane? Do you have much further to go in your course?

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Day 32:

Wow its been quite a while since I updated this, I've been through some very stressful experiences in the last few weeks such as moving into my new apartment and starting my Postgrad course at university so i've been rushing about a lot whilst trying to not to think of acne.

So in the last few weeks I went through my IB, had an appalling breakout which demanded all my mental strength to deal with whilst at work. That's almost completely gone now so big improvement in that sense. I currently have one tiny active on my forehead, but apart from that its just red marks- yay! Hopefully gonna see big improvements in the next few weeks. I think I may reach my cumulative dose quite quickly as I've been on 70mg from the beginning so will probably be done by Xmas, which would be amazing!

Now, as far as side effects are concerned I think I've done pretty well for my course. I've experienced pretty bad dryness, mostly around my lips that I rectify with Vaseline. No joint or back pain which is awesome. Other than that, I occasionally get the 'accutane rash' on my arms and chest if I don't moisturise it enough which is easily solved. Mental health is good, I haven't experienced any low moods really. Actually since I've cut out causal drinking whilst being on this drug I've noticed a definite increase in mood. I feel more stable and centred and am revising a lot of the priorities that I had before starting tane. For instance, I've dropped a lot of friends who were only interested in partying and getting smashed on the weekend. For years I participated in that behaviour, partly to feel included, but also because i felt the need to drown my sense of worthlessness from having acne for such an incredibly long time. Of course, I'm only human and sometimes my mood slips when I've had a breakout but I try to remind myself through breathing slowly that you are a person who is worthy of love and affection just like every other human on this planet; its a mantra that works surprisingly well and gets me through those difficult days.

So all in all, accutane is changing me in positive ways that I didn't anticipate at all. I'm more focused on my work now and know what to look for in friends who are kind and supportive and actually have real interests outside of clubbing every other night.

Maybe this is all a part of me finally growing up lol, but I feel good and am looking forward to continuing my course on accutane. I think I might post some progress pics in the next few days.

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I am so sorry. It's reading posts like yours that keep me researching, and reading, experimenting, formulating, sometimes into the early morning hours, and reading about the latest ingredients/cosmeceuticals for so many hours on the computer my eyes burn and my head throbs.

I sometimes wonder why I put so much into what I do, when others do not, and don't care. Then I read your posts, and I remember again. I wish you the best - and hope that day for you does come soon.

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