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bizz

There Isn't Much Of A Point Engaging People If You Hate Your Own Face-That's How I've Felt (Rop)

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For the past ten years.

I look back on it now, and my whole life--how I interact with others, how I was as a student, anything that required asserting myself or being around people--has been shaped by acne and the exhausting side effects.

And I still have cysts and stripes on my face. I know it could be worse; that's really the only comfort. I'm lucky enough to have regular access to a dermatologist.

It's horrible living like this, and I'm paying for it academically. So many mistakes were made in pursuit of one goal--get away from people, don't be around people. Don't find yourself in a room gaping at people who were blessed with skin that isn't a series of lesions and clogged hair follicles.

I can't imagine ever living with someone or lying next to a boyfriend at night because I'm never around others if my face isn't spackled with make-up or disgusting acne topicals that are less and less effective and make my skin itchy, red and ulcerous or do nothing to prevent nodules. I hate throwing money down the drain for one failed solution after the next. I hate a single mistake in a product I use--hair products, a face cream--leading to massive, scar-forming cysts the size of walnuts.

This has ruined my life. I was predisposed to depression; this has honestly been more damaging. It made everything worse. Even the well-meaning can't do anything but pity it, but I look at my face, I'm conscious of how oily and flaky and toxic it is due to medication and having acne, and I am repulsed.

And thinking of this NEVER being resolved--even if I go back on Accutane, which is the last thing I want to do after two years on it---I'm repulsed with myself.

It's exhausting.

Edited by bizz

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i think it helps if you just think about being friends with everyone. cuz if you think about it, you dont really care if a friend has acne, but if someone you might like has acne, you notice it a lot more. i know its kind of like pre-friendzoning yourself, but i think its the best way to make friends and hang out with people until your skin miraculously clears up. plus it lets you be more yourself and open to people without being scared of doing/saying something embarassing. just thinking this way has helped tons with my confidence :)

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I know what you mean. I go through phases where I try not to wear make up but either way I feel uncomfortable. I guess I try to act confident so that others won't notice.

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