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QuietJamie14

Dating In Daylight And Facing Fears!

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Hello all,

I’m a new member but I’ve been visiting this site for a while now. I try to avoid the internet on the whole, but these boards have helped me realise that I’m not the only one in the world suffering skin-related problems. Thanks for sharing your stories.

I’m a 28 year old male. To give a bit of background:

I had bad acne in my late teens, which totally shattered my self-esteem. My acne is mild-moderate now but I’ve been left with some scarring on my temples and cheeks. What’s more, I also suffer with facial eczema and very oily/greasy skin. The combination of all these things has left me feeling really insecure and self-conscious. My acne might abate with time, but I’m pretty sure my other skin issues are here to stay. I have handsome features ‘beneath’ my bad skin, which in a way makes it more frustrating.

I got so insecure in my early twenties (as well as acne, I had a severe eczema flare up at the time) that I wrote off my chances of attracting girls or ever forming a relationship and buried myself in my studies. I persisted with that and am now three months away from being awarded a Ph.D. in English Lang and Lit.

I am proud of this achievement but it can’t take away the aching loneliness, sadness and self-hatred I feel inside. I wouldn’t say I’m friendless but have sacrificed my social life – partly to focus on studies but mostly because I’m so ashamed of my appearance.

Here’s my current problem. I recently went on a date with a girl for the first time in a while. The date went brilliantly and we connected well – but it was late at night in a dimly lit pub! Now we’re meeting for a second date, and it’s going to be in daylight on a bright, sunny day. My worst fear. I won’t let myself pull out of this date, and am determined to face my fears head on, having let them hold me back for so long. At the same time, I know this will be the last time I see this girl. I don’t think she’s shallow but she is really attractive and could do much better than me. I can’t imagine her (or any girl) remaining attracted to me once she’s seen how horrible my skin looks in sunlight.

I suppose this post was simply a way of venting my fears, but I’d love to hear advice or support from anyone who’s been in a similar situation.

Thanks for reading.

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You're making an assumption that she'll respond negatively, but you could be wrong. If you already made a good impression on the first date, that will count for a lot. She must have liked you otherwise you wouldn't even have a second date set up. That's got to count for something. The best thing is to go along and be yourself, see what happens. Good luck! :)

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I have exactly the same problem, almost in every way.

The only thing that works is an adult relationship where she takes you for your personality and lookes besides the scars. You are almost going 30, from that age it shouldn't be the looks. Think about all the imperfect people, my next door neighbour has terrible scarring and a beautifull girl.

I am also just going to date in daylight, if it fails then so be it and you can look on. We can't hide forever and should look for personality.

You should ask yourself if you would date a girl with scarring or not. If she doesn't like you then look for another girl.

I know it isn't easy, I am going through the same kind of fase. Nobody is perfect.

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Hey man! well, i'll give you a different piece of advice: this is my point of view

You said that you're really insecure,...and people dont like that. Would you like to datge someone who is tooo insecure? i dont think so. Paul said something helpful, is she werent interested she woudnt had accepted to hang out with you. You have the perfect chance, show that you're an incredible person, a leader, someone smart and confident.

I admit that acne and scars arent attractive, who do you think she'd like to be with:

- With someone who depends on how does his skin looks and if its day or nightime ............or

- With someone who isnt affected by his acne and scars at all

Dont talk too much about your phd, girls are more like sentimental...they rather to talk about emotions, have a nice conversation about your and her adventures. The reality is that talking about "where do you work" "where do you live" "where had you studied" is boring. Also, get dressed with your best clothes, a nice haircut, wearing some accesories such as necklaces, a perfume and everything you think would be better.

Also, you cant be confident hours before your date man, its really hard to be confident, it might take months...for me it took around 3-4 months of doing different security exercises and I'd like to be even more confident.

Hope i helped...good luck

ps: Im not critizicing nobody, i dont want this to be misunderstood, but....if you "are yourself"...and you're insecure and kind of boring, do you think that person is going to seduce many girls?....i dont think so, dont follow that piece of advice..change yourself!

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Hm, just keep on and if she don't like you 'cause of scars, move on! Try to smile a lot, etc. if you're a nice guy, you'll accomplish. Nobody is perfect and smart women knows that. She might be smart, who knows :)

Very simple. smile.png

Edited by EddieE

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Thanks for the advice and support, everyone. We had to reschedule the date, so it still hasn't happened yet!

I am/have been trying to work on my overall confidence in different ways. In the last year, I've done things that even people with 'normal' skin would find daunting - like public speaking, giving lectures, teaching classes, travelling across the world by myself, meeting and greeting strangers, attending interviews, taking on new projects, etc. I suppose the dating is another step forward. But for all my attempts at building confidence, one look in the mirror in bad lighting can knock me down again, back to square one and feeling like an angsty teenager once more. I'm sure some of you will understand.

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"Beauty fades, dumb is forever"

Have confidence man! Girls care more about how you make them feel. Just make sure you give her a unforgettable fun time.

Two things girls look for a man (applies to every girl in the planet)

- A nice guy

- Nice shoes

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"Beauty fades, dumb is forever"

Have confidence man! Girls care more about how you make them feel. Just make sure you give her a unforgettable fun time.

Two things girls look for a man (applies to every girl in the planet)

- A nice guy

- Nice shoes

This is so true. Girls do care more about how guys make them feel. I'm always attracted to guys who make me feel comfortable and important, interesting and involved. Get into an interesting conversation, listen to her, maybe crack a few jokes. She'll love you. :)

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Thanks again, everyone. Much appreciated.

For the record: she cancelled on me for the second week in a row, so I suppose it wasn't meant to be. Just need to pick my confidence up off the floor now...

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I know exactly how you feel! Because of my appearance I developed a habit of avoiding men, so I applaud you for going out there and deal with your insecurities. Maybe you should allow yourself to feel really bad for a day or two about her second cancellation in a row, but don't stay in that mood too long though. Try to spend time on things that lift up your spirits.

1) Did it occur to you that the girl might be a bit intimidated, given all your achievements (earning a phd, lecturing, travelling around the world)? You have a lot to be proud of! Develop your confidence and women will be fighting over you :)

2) Sorry for asking: did you ever consult a doctor for your eczema? I have to friends who suffer very badly from this. One has had it all her life and didn't find a solution. The other made radical changes in her diet and her skin is almost clear (it used to 'burn' as she would say and I am really glad for her she found relief).

All the best

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I know exactly how you feel! Because of my appearance I developed a habit of avoiding men, so I applaud you for going out there and deal with your insecurities. Maybe you should allow yourself to feel really bad for a day or two about her second cancellation in a row, but don't stay in that mood too long though. Try to spend time on things that lift up your spirits.

1) Did it occur to you that the girl might be a bit intimidated, given all your achievements (earning a phd, lecturing, travelling around the world)? You have a lot to be proud of! Develop your confidence and women will be fighting over you smile.png

2) Sorry for asking: did you ever consult a doctor for your eczema? I have to friends who suffer very badly from this. One has had it all her life and didn't find a solution. The other made radical changes in her diet and her skin is almost clear (it used to 'burn' as she would say and I am really glad for her she found relief).

All the best

Thanks for taking the time to reply. I'm pleased with myself for facing my fears, but the more I get 'out there' and realise how hard it is for me to meet/attract someone the lower my self-esteem seems to get.

1) Thanks for the compliment but I doubt it. My skin problems and other health issues (labyrinthitis) have kept me humble and diffident, whether I like it or not. I think I was more intimidated by her and suspect that she just decided she could do better. There are lots of other good-looking, secure, ultra-confident men to choose from, who have outgrown their teenage angst by my age. This is the third time I've been rejected by a woman in the last two months, so I'm ready to give up... for a while, at least.

2) I've lost a bit of trust in doctors. About ten years ago, I was prescribed a too-high strength acne cream which caused a lot of the skin dryness I'm suffering with now. The effects might be permanent. When I visit them, doctors never really mention anything like diet to me, just give me more creams; and I'm in a catch-22 there, because when I try to treat my acne the cream dries my skin and makes my eczema worse, and when I try to treat my eczema the creams are too greasy and make my acne flare up again. I do intend to consult a nutritionist about diet. I have a good diet and, actually, cooking is my biggest passion after my studies. It would be a shame if I had to limit what I could cook and eat, but if I could find a diet that really worked it would be worth it - again I'm doubtful, though, because the eczema is on my face only, making me think this is a topical rather than internal issue.

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Just thought I'd update. I'm going on another date this weekend - different girl, but same situation (I must be the only person in the UK praying for the dark clouds to come back!).

I'm not sure whether I should be putting myself through this again, as I don't think my self-esteem can handle another rejection. On the other hand, I'm proud of myself for facing my fears. Meeting someone I'm hoping to attract in bright daylight, with bad skin... I never would have done this a few years back. At least I can say that I haven't let acne defeat me (yet). One step at a time, I suppose.

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Credit to you for facing your fears. My entire dating history, if I can even call it that, consists of a date I wish hadn't happened and an instance where I was stood up. That's it. Those two instances have basically held me back for years and I always let those fears win, to the point where I don't even try. It's not even about acne for me anymore. It's all about those insecurities and a total lack of confidence in myself and my appearance. Facing those fears would be a major thing, so I admire the fact you're putting yourself out there. Also admire the fact you seem to have set up at least a couple of dates in as many months because I wouldn't have a clue how to do that. I suppose there's always a chance of rejection, but it doesn't automatically have to be about your skin. In fact, doesn't even have to be about you at all. Better that you try and see how it turns out, than hide away and wonder what you may be missing. Good luck! smile.png

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That's great that you're getting out and dating despite your insecurities. Exposing yourself to your fears is exactly what will help you get over them, help you be happier, and realize you CAN live a fulfilling life no matter what your skin looks like. I'm sure your skin is not as bad as you think, especially if you're getting dates! Just remember people usually are not looking for blemishes on your face, they're looking into your eyes, interested in what you're saying, etc. Don't let your skin prevent you from getting to know new people =) I wish you the best of luck.

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Just thought I'd update. I'm going on another date this weekend - different girl, but same situation (I must be the only person in the UK praying for the dark clouds to come back!).

I'm not sure whether I should be putting myself through this again, as I don't think my self-esteem can handle another rejection. On the other hand, I'm proud of myself for facing my fears. Meeting someone I'm hoping to attract in bright daylight, with bad skin... I never would have done this a few years back. At least I can say that I haven't let acne defeat me (yet). One step at a time, I suppose.

Jamie,

You're a nice-looking guy, period. Even before I got my own acne scars (they appeared around age 23 for me), I dated someone who had them on his jawline and neck, and it didn't phase me a bit. I never thought about it. Never noticed them, except right at the beginning of our relationship, because it was just something I happened to see on our 2nd date, and never really paid attention to afterward. Because he was a good-looking guy with handsome features, and had other attractive qualities. Intelligence, style, and interesting life experiences. I dated him for quite a long time, and the relationship certainly didn't end over his acne-scarring!

Unfortunately, this beauty-obsessed Western culture we live in makes it far harder for women with those sorts of imperfections (sorry ladies, if any of you are reading this...I don't mean to sound sexist. I'm a woman, myself, and I've had several cosmetic procedures to get myself back to the way I looked in my early 20's. Being a young woman today is very hard, the standards we are expected to meet are ridiculously high). But lucky for you, you are a handsome dude, and as much as I hate to say it, guys can get away with a bit of scarring a little more easily than we ladies can. Take this as a compliment, because I absolutely mean it that way.

I guess what I'm trying to express is that if the women you are taking out are worth anything, they aren't going to focus on some acne scarring, when you are perfectly attractive, have nice features, and awesome accomplishments. You seem very impressive. As long as you are kind, empathetic, friendly and project confidence, you are not going to have an issue with dating. That's what women worth their salt look for in a man to date.

And if those scars of yours truly bother you, there are lots of things that can be done about it. I'm by no means finished with my treatment-for-acne-scarring journey, but I can tell you that I have had fairly positive results so far. It is most certainly worth your while to look in to having them treated.

Also, changing my diet and taking a probiotic really helped me with the oil production on my face. I used to be the oiliest-skinned female I knew, and it was humiliating. I didn't really understand until recently the extent that my hormones had to do with my oiliness. I just thought that it was "the way I was made" (Southern for genetics). tongue.png

I hope this helped you. You were really brave to discuss such a personal issue here on these boards.

Cherry

Edited by CherrySoda08

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Credit to you for facing your fears. My entire dating history, if I can even call it that, consists of a date I wish hadn't happened and an instance where I was stood up. That's it. Those two instances have basically held me back for years and I always let those fears win, to the point where I don't even try. It's not even about acne for me anymore. It's all about those insecurities and a total lack of confidence in myself and my appearance. Facing those fears would be a major thing, so I admire the fact you're putting yourself out there. Also admire the fact you seem to have set up at least a couple of dates in as many months because I wouldn't have a clue how to do that. I suppose there's always a chance of rejection, but it doesn't automatically have to be about your skin. In fact, doesn't even have to be about you at all. Better that you try and see how it turns out, than hide away and wonder what you may be missing. Good luck! smile.png

Well, for what it's worth, you met up with me and while it wasn't a date, it was a fun platonic hang out! You even braved a monsoon to spend the day in London with lil ole me! ^_^ And you were a marvelous tour guide and companion for the day! Great company, super nice, and you didn't even mind walking all over the city, as I tend to wander a lot. =P

To the Original Poster, I wish you luck with your date! I met my fiancé on this website, and we first met in the middle of the day in airport lighting. We both don't really have skin qualms anymore, but everyone struggles with something in life. And he has scars, for what it's worth, and he is the handsomest man on the planet to me, scars and all. The fact that he is comfortable in himself is what really matters. Work towards that and the rest follows. =)

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Credit to you for facing your fears. My entire dating history, if I can even call it that, consists of a date I wish hadn't happened and an instance where I was stood up. That's it. Those two instances have basically held me back for years and I always let those fears win, to the point where I don't even try. It's not even about acne for me anymore. It's all about those insecurities and a total lack of confidence in myself and my appearance. Facing those fears would be a major thing, so I admire the fact you're putting yourself out there. Also admire the fact you seem to have set up at least a couple of dates in as many months because I wouldn't have a clue how to do that. I suppose there's always a chance of rejection, but it doesn't automatically have to be about your skin. In fact, doesn't even have to be about you at all. Better that you try and see how it turns out, than hide away and wonder what you may be missing. Good luck! smile.png

Well, for what it's worth, you met up with me and while it wasn't a date, it was a fun platonic hang out! You even braved a monsoon to spend the day in London with lil ole me! amused.gif And you were a marvelous tour guide and companion for the day! Great company, super nice, and you didn't even mind walking all over the city, as I tend to wander a lot. =P

To the Original Poster, I wish you luck with your date! I met my fiancé on this website, and we first met in the middle of the day in airport lighting. We both don't really have skin qualms anymore, but everyone struggles with something in life. And he has scars, for what it's worth, and he is the handsomest man on the planet to me, scars and all. The fact that he is comfortable in himself is what really matters. Work towards that and the rest follows. =)

Not to get too off-topic, but that is a great story! Best of luck with your upcoming nuptials. Very sweet.

Edited by CherrySoda08

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Credit to you for facing your fears. My entire dating history, if I can even call it that, consists of a date I wish hadn't happened and an instance where I was stood up. That's it. Those two instances have basically held me back for years and I always let those fears win, to the point where I don't even try. It's not even about acne for me anymore. It's all about those insecurities and a total lack of confidence in myself and my appearance. Facing those fears would be a major thing, so I admire the fact you're putting yourself out there. Also admire the fact you seem to have set up at least a couple of dates in as many months because I wouldn't have a clue how to do that. I suppose there's always a chance of rejection, but it doesn't automatically have to be about your skin. In fact, doesn't even have to be about you at all. Better that you try and see how it turns out, than hide away and wonder what you may be missing. Good luck! smile.png

Well, for what it's worth, you met up with me and while it wasn't a date, it was a fun platonic hang out! You even braved a monsoon to spend the day in London with lil ole me! amused.gif And you were a marvelous tour guide and companion for the day! Great company, super nice, and you didn't even mind walking all over the city, as I tend to wander a lot. =P

To the Original Poster, I wish you luck with your date! I met my fiancé on this website, and we first met in the middle of the day in airport lighting. We both don't really have skin qualms anymore, but everyone struggles with something in life. And he has scars, for what it's worth, and he is the handsomest man on the planet to me, scars and all. The fact that he is comfortable in himself is what really matters. Work towards that and the rest follows. =)

Not to get too off-topic, but that is a great story! Best of luck with your upcoming nuptials. Very sweet.

Aw thank you! The whole story is pretty crazy actually. If you are interested I don't mind telling it via PM, but I do not wish to hijack this thread. haha.

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Credit to you for facing your fears. My entire dating history, if I can even call it that, consists of a date I wish hadn't happened and an instance where I was stood up. That's it. Those two instances have basically held me back for years and I always let those fears win, to the point where I don't even try. It's not even about acne for me anymore. It's all about those insecurities and a total lack of confidence in myself and my appearance. Facing those fears would be a major thing, so I admire the fact you're putting yourself out there. Also admire the fact you seem to have set up at least a couple of dates in as many months because I wouldn't have a clue how to do that. I suppose there's always a chance of rejection, but it doesn't automatically have to be about your skin. In fact, doesn't even have to be about you at all. Better that you try and see how it turns out, than hide away and wonder what you may be missing. Good luck! smile.png

Well, for what it's worth, you met up with me and while it wasn't a date, it was a fun platonic hang out! You even braved a monsoon to spend the day in London with lil ole me! amused.gif And you were a marvelous tour guide and companion for the day! Great company, super nice, and you didn't even mind walking all over the city, as I tend to wander a lot. =P

To the Original Poster, I wish you luck with your date! I met my fiancé on this website, and we first met in the middle of the day in airport lighting. We both don't really have skin qualms anymore, but everyone struggles with something in life. And he has scars, for what it's worth, and he is the handsomest man on the planet to me, scars and all. The fact that he is comfortable in himself is what really matters. Work towards that and the rest follows. =)

Not to get too off-topic, but that is a great story! Best of luck with your upcoming nuptials. Very sweet.

Aw thank you! The whole story is pretty crazy actually. If you are interested I don't mind telling it via PM, but I do not wish to hijack this thread. haha.

Yeah! I would. Please PM me. I'd love to hear you guys' story. rolleyes.gif

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Well, for what it's worth, you met up with me and while it wasn't a date, it was a fun platonic hang out! You even braved a monsoon to spend the day in London with lil ole me! amused.gif And you were a marvelous tour guide and companion for the day! Great company, super nice, and you didn't even mind walking all over the city, as I tend to wander a lot. =P

teehee.gif

Last Saturday when I went out to buy lunch, the girl who served me was quite blatantly flirting with and complimenting me, but I was too shy to do anything about it.

I need to go to the supermarket soon so maybe I'll drop by the same place for lunch, see if a bit of bravery and being "super nice" does me any favours... unsure.png

Thanks so much for your replies and kind words of support - I'm really in need of them today.

Sure you'll be fine mate. Let us know how it goes! :hifive:

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Ah, dating while having acne; it's a brilliant experience. After several failed attempts and getting the silent treatment consistently from girls I come across, I've demolished my expectations of women and learned to bail ASAP and save myself time when I have a hunch that she's not interested. Time is an extremely precious commodity and us acne sufferers know this more than the average person.

To the OP and to anyone else out there facing similar situations, trust your instinct and your hunches in the dating game. When you sense any sort of disinterest from the other person, move on quickly. There are many amazing people out there drifting across this planet so keep at it because the odds of you eventually finding them is higher than ever. For every person that doesn't work out, that one person that decides to stick around will be one lucky mofo :D

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I'm a bit baffled, to be honest. Everything seemed to be going fine... but she made an excuse and left after only one hour together. I haven't heard from her since the weekend. If it's not about my looks, then I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong really: I was polite and friendly, asked and answered questions with a smile, tried to keep the conversation going, dressed well, smelt nice, styled my hair.

The experience has at least taught me that 'formal' dating is not for me. I'm not flashy or overconfident so I find it hard to 'wow' someone within only an hour or two of meeting. I think I'd be better off trying to get out there and get involved socially as much as possible (I'm already taking steps here), steadily developing a relationship with a woman over time, as I do take a while to feel comfortable around someone and tend to reveal my depths and sense of humour slowly; I also find it hard to be overtly flirtatious with complete strangers, even if I do fancy them.

I've never believed that I'm anything special but honestly didn't think I was that bad. I have a lot of good qualities (I'm even a good cook!), if women can look past some skin imperfections. Yet I've been on four dates and had four rejections in the last four months. Like I say, I'm pleased that I can face my fears but rejection isn't helping my self-esteem. Plus the deadline for my PhD thesis is looming so I need to knuckle down and steady myself again!

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