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tonyocr

Horror Story Of My Life: Skin Ruined . Pics Added!

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Ok please be prepared because this is probably the saddest story you will ever hear. I haven't seen ANYONE on this forum who has this kind of self inflicted damage like I do. My life is over. Here's my story...You don't have to read all of it if you don't want to, though it helps understand the full impact of everything. (I marked the most important notes).

I am Anthony 20 years old now and I have suffered from moderate acne since I was 14 years old: face was literally FULL of blackheads and whiteheads, every pore was filled with sebum.

on top of that I have had the most horrible case of atopic eczema my entire life, and oh Lord I have suffered from this, I'll explain further.

Both the acne and eczema have subsided now but the acne scars left behind are UNSIGHTLY: hundreds of scarred pores,20 big,deep scars: ice pick,boxscar. While I should have NONE , ZERO SCARS if I didn't pick my skin.

I have had a very difficult youth. My father was a tiran and used to physically and mentally abuse me since I was a baby.

I have been literally locked up in my house my entire youth, I couldn't go out with friends. Couldn't see my family. Nothing.

I went to school, came home, and lived in fear. When , at the age of 14 I developped blackheads and whiteheads all over my face I started squeezing them (on advice of people that told me to squeeze my blackheads). I literally squeezed out my entire face until all the white gunk came out of my pores, literally hundreds of pores at once. (I washed my hands and used a tissue if that matters any). I also had to do this almost weekly, since my pores became entirely filled with sebum again after a while. This turned into an obsession and I believe that the stress caused by my situation made me squeeze my skin so often. It felt liberating , so I kept doing it even though I knew it wasn't doing much good. I have done this for approximately 3-4 years before my acne subsided on its own and I stopped squeezing.

Then when I was 18 came the next horrible ordeal in my life. My eczema started flaring up....badly and the cortisone (steroid cream) I was using for years to surpress my eczema stopped working. I started a 2year quest to clear up my eczema. In these 2 years I lost 40 pounds (through extreme dieting) and had HORRIBLE flare ups of eczema (entire body full of bleeding rash) every 3 days. It was absolute HELL.

Now eventually I got my eczema under control and gained back the weight but when the inflammation subsided I then came to the conclusion that my skin was full of pock marks, ice pick scars, some boxscars, and hundreds of scarred pores. An absolute DISASTER! And it is all SELF INFLICTED. I never had any cystic acne or anything and every single blackhead I squeezed left a scar. it's funny because the few big ,inflamed pimples that I had didn't leave a scar AT ALL!

So bottom line: I have absolutely DESTROYED myself. That's the worst part of this nightmare, I would have absolutely perfect skin if I didn't squeeze my acne but now I am ruined. I can't get my head around that one. It's like I finally realize now what I have done to myself through the years and that realization is too hard to bear, I just cannot live with it. and it get's worse because I have done A LOT of research on the internet and have come to the conclusions that scars are very hard to treat and I have yet an entire campaign to undergo in the hope to get some improvement at all. It's just too much for me, I have suffered enough in my life.

SELF INFLICTED!!! NOT REAL ACNE SCARS! Just UNBELIEVABLE. I know plenty of people with worse acne then me that don't have a single scar! I don't even understand how you can have scarring unless you have CYSTIC ACNE. In my experience the only thing that WILL leave a scar is squeezing, NOTHING ELSE.

Also african american so that makes it even harder to treat my scars.Feel my desperation? I'd need perhaps like 20 excisions and then I'l still be left with hundreds of scarred pores... Imagine yourself in my shoes and cry. I have been through many horrible things in my life, trust me but this is the WORST THING that can happen to someone. Permanent,self inflicted,unsightly scars the guilt is unbearable.

NEVER EVER SQUEEZE CLOGGED PORES,BLACKHEADS,WHITEHEADS. IT WILL DESTROY YOUR SKIN

first two is left cheek other is right.

Edited by tonyocr

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Posted · Hidden by AKL, June 18, 2012 - No reason given
Hidden by AKL, June 18, 2012 - No reason given

Why start another topic?


/>http://www.acne.org/messageboard/index.php/topic/317023-horror-story-this-is-what-obsessive-squeezing-does-to-you/
/>http://www.acne.org/messageboard/index.php/topic/312632-ice-pickenlarged-pores-on-dark-skin/page__p__3226224#entry3226224

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Posted · Hidden by AKL, June 18, 2012 - No reason given
Hidden by AKL, June 18, 2012 - No reason given

Yes I'm sorry, I accidently made two topics just now and I forgot I made one a few months before. Can they be deleted by any chance?

I have no idea. You need to ask the moderator. Check your earlier thread and follow the link to AKL's profile to send a message.

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Don't be thinking that YOU are the one who caused all your scarring. Because I have never touched or picked at my breakouts and i was still left with many scars and tonsss of scarred pores.

If you never picked at your skin, your skin could have still had all those scars still.

And I know exactly how you feel about being abused most of your youth by your father. I also went through hell in my youth being abused, and was never allowed to hangout with anyone, just pretty much lived everyday in fear in my teen years, and was not allowed to leave the home, or should I say, the prison.

I have so much bitterness toward my father for never letting me hangout with anyone or have a social life, that now that I am in my early 20s when my acne goes away and i get enough plastic surgery to look normal..I'm going to party every day and live life as fast as I can, because I never got the opportunity when I was younger.

It feels like your youth is stolen from you, ya' know?

I have skin problems like you and it is extremely hard to look in the mirror wihtout becoming sick to your stomach. I odn't have exzema but, i have keratosis pilaris, and severely dehydrated skin, with tons of different types of scarring and flat moles all over my body and red marks, so i look like a spotted freak.

It's hard, but I know one day I will look normal if I really try, and continue to eat healthy on a daily basis....You can too, if you just believe that it will happen. The damage is done and there is no way you can reverse it but, you CAN improve. Just research, research, research, and find the answer...there is always an answer to your problems, you just have to find it. Just don't give up on your search. It's hard to keep on fighting but, I know you and I can do it.

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Don't be thinking that YOU are the one who caused all your scarring. Because I have never touched or picked at my breakouts and i was still left with many scars and tonsss of scarred pores.

If you never picked at your skin, your skin could have still had all those scars still.

And I know exactly how you feel about being abused most of your youth by your father. I also went through hell in my youth being abused, and was never allowed to hangout with anyone, just pretty much lived everyday in fear in my teen years, and was not allowed to leave the home, or should I say, the prison.

I have so much bitterness toward my father for never letting me hangout with anyone or have a social life, that now that I am in my early 20s when my acne goes away and i get enough plastic surgery to look normal..I'm going to party every day and live life as fast as I can, because I never got the opportunity when I was younger.

It feels like your youth is stolen from you, ya' know?

I have skin problems like you and it is extremely hard to look in the mirror wihtout becoming sick to your stomach. I odn't have exzema but, i have keratosis pilaris, and severely dehydrated skin, with tons of different types of scarring and flat moles all over my body and red marks, so i look like a spotted freak.

It's hard, but I know one day I will look normal if I really try, and continue to eat healthy on a daily basis....You can too, if you just believe that it will happen. The damage is done and there is no way you can reverse it but, you CAN improve. Just research, research, research, and find the answer...there is always an answer to your problems, you just have to find it. Just don't give up on your search. It's hard to keep on fighting but, I know you and I can do it.

Well you could be right about some scars perhaps I'm not entirely sure but I'm almost certain that many of the scars I have are through self infliction, squeezing that is.It's hard to tell because I squeezed practically every blackhead I had so I don't know what would have happened if I didn't squeeze at all. I am pretty sure that my scarring would be non existant or much less severe though.

I'm just really not sure, but I don't think it is even possible for NON INFLAMED acne to cause scarring without picking. Thats right, NON INFLAMED ACNE. Just clogged pores and whiteheads. No way those will leave scars on its own.

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I would almost never pick unless if i was about to go to like a party or something.

But I scarred because my acne was just so severe at a point in my life. Before that severe breakout my face was scar free. But after I cleared it up (almost no picking at all) it left wholes in my skin.

But even though we are down right now, with todays growing technology it looks like acne scar treatments are becoming safer and more effective. Whats currently under my interest is the SCAAR FX fractional co2 laser. You can find out more about it in the SCAAR FX thread.

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Your story is very simulair to mine, also had a bad youth from the age of 15 and I believe stress has caused most of my acne and picking.

I try to hang in there and treatment for scarring is getting better every year. A day might come that all those scars are gone.

Hope you find good treatment and a happy life.

Edited by WinnieTheBlue

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Many of my scars are from picking as well. But what's interesting is I used to pick my acne just as much before a certain age and never scarred but after about 25 I started to scar. So it has to do a lot with your health and healing capabilities, some can pick black heads all day and not scar, others will scar from the slightest scratch. Don't live with guilt, it will not help.

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Many of my scars are from picking as well. But what's interesting is I used to pick my acne just as much before a certain age and never scarred but after about 25 I started to scar. So it has to do a lot with your health and healing capabilities, some can pick black heads all day and not scar, others will scar from the slightest scratch. Don't live with guilt, it will not help.

I just... I really don't see a way out of this. My situation is bad , really bad, worse than you think. First of all I have eczema (which I got completely under control a few months back) but it's back now and I created it myself over the past months because the depression of my scars is making me an emotional eater. I literally eat anything and tons of it all day to handle my depression. So first of all I need to get myself back together and clean up my diet but I fail every day. I'm just too depressed.

Second I live with my mom at the moment but she is going to kick me out of the house because I am so depressed and do nothing with my life. She thinks I'm just silly.

So soon I'l be homeless. I have no job, no money. So I can't even begin to treat my scars at the moment.Also as you mentioned I must have HORRIBLE healing capabilities because at such a young age , which such mild acne I shouldn't have this many scars. Even though I picked my skin which everyone around me did.

I can't bear this anymore. My mind is filled with thoughts about my scars every second of the day. Each time I wake up and look in the mirror I see a monster and my day is completely destroyed. I don't go out, I only eat , sleep and think.

So Imagine. Bad health and Eczema all over my body + acne scars + homeless + no money.

*Moderator edit - Some sentences contained ideals that are not encouraged on these boards, they are now removed. Please read the board rules*

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We would all love to go back and relive our lives from before acne started. I have this theory that I should have gone vegetarian, but I have no real proof that that would have helped. You cannot undo the past, you can only move to the future. Black and darker skinned people have special considerations when treating scarring, and what might help lighter skinned people might cause pigmentation issues with darker skin. I Googled to see if anything jumped out at me, but most sites promote voodoo cures that just do not work. I just scratched the surface on Google, but make sure you get your information from real medical sites like NIH, and not from the cosmetic industry. Google is your friend so do a ton of research. What caused your scars is really irrelevent at this point.

http://www.ncbi.nlm....les/PMC2884928/

Edited by DudleyDoRight

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We would all love to go back and relive our lives from before acne started. I have this theory that I should have gone vegetarian, but I have no real proof that that would have helped. You cannot undo the past, you can only move to the future. Black and darker skinned people have special considerations when treating scarring, and what might help lighter skinned people might cause pigmentation issues with darker skin. I Googled to see if anything jumped out at me, but most sites promote voodoo cures that just do not work. I just scratched the surface on Google, but make sure you get your information from real medical sites like NIH, and not from the cosmetic industry. Google is your friend so do a ton of research. What caused your scars is really irrelevent at this point.

http://www.ncbi.nlm....les/PMC2884928/

Hi Dudley. It really cheers me up that you would respond to my miserable thread. I have read many of your posts.

Trust me , I have done A LOT of reserach the past few months and I pretty much have an Idea of what to do but It just terribly depresses me that I still have such a very very long way to go. It won't be easy and my life was already hard enough.

First of all I need to get my health back. I have eczema all over my skin which makes it unwise to do any scar treatment.

Second I am dark skinned so need to be even more carefull.

My plan was to excise some of my bigger and deeper scars, maybe around 10-20 excisions as I see that this is really the only option to completely get rid of these unsightly holes in my skin type. But it's a guess on how well I will heal and I'll have to try one excision first.

Then I was planning on starting a good skincare routine (copper peptides, vit c, retin a)and dermarolling for the hundreds of scarred pores I have on my skin.

Maybe I would also do some kind of laser resurfacing for the scarred pores, but nothing to deep because of my skin color.

All of this would take approximately ateast a year of strict dieting, consistant needling, good skincare routine to show satisfactory results, if any.

I do have a plan in my head but I am so depressed and down at the moment can't imagine I'l be strong enough mentally to pull this off. Also money is a huge issue. So I can't go out to try every scar treatment on the market. There is no way in heaven or in hell that I could pay for a series of fraxel repairs for instance like you did. Plus I seriously doubt that my skin will take all this tissue destruction. It couldn't even handle moderate acne without scarring. What the hell do you do about your scars if you have such sensitive ,easely damaged skin?

Edited by tonyocr

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Tony, there are a lot of good people on this forum who will try to help and offer good support. I have never dealt with eczema, and that seems like your top priority right now. A move to a more humid climate might be in your future. The good thing is there is a chance that you might outgrow the eczema. I used to dermaroll and use copper peptides, but I know understand that I was not using the best brand of copper peptides. I would apply copper peptides before and after dermarolling. Retin-a is proven to reduce wrinkles. Also Retin-A is available at AllDayChemist, and I have been very satisfied with their medicine. Even my Urologist orders from them. https://www.alldaychemist.com/manufacturer.php?id_manufacturer=571 Lets get the exzema under control and then worry about treating the scars. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001856/ Lets go from blaming yourself to treating yourself.

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I can advice to go out running in the evening. It has helped me to stay out of deep depression and only takes an half hour.

After that maybe you can make a treatment plan for your scarring and save the money over the months / years.

You could look into recell and co2 laser for your skin color, some people have had great results.

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Some of my worst scars are the ones I didn't touch.

If you think about most of the treatments for damage, e.g. dermarolling, lasers...they all work by putting even more damage to the skin and initiating your body's healing response.

So really...whether picking is bad or not is a crapshoot. I can be bad, or it could be better than leaving it alone. Too many factors to really know.

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Some of my worst scars are the ones I didn't touch.

If you think about most of the treatments for damage, e.g. dermarolling, lasers...they all work by putting even more damage to the skin and initiating your body's healing response.

So really...whether picking is bad or not is a crapshoot. I can be bad, or it could be better than leaving it alone. Too many factors to really know.

Not picking, SQUEEZING. Picking is nothing. Unless squeezing is part of picking.

I looked at myself in the mirror again in bad lighting and... O god this is truly a disaster. I don't even understand how I could have squeezed my skin for 4 years not knowing the horrible damage I have been doing. I am literally RIDDLED in scarred pores and ice pick scars, it is absolutely HIDEOUS; And I know almost for sure that they are ALL caused my squeezing. It must be, it is not possible for non inflamed acne to leave scars. There MUST be inflammation which I have created by squeezing. It is absolutely ridiculous, I remember I used to even squeeze huge inflamed pimples and they left ZERO scarring. Only the clogged pores, blackheads left scars, EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM.

Be this a fair warning ,before I part,for everyone who has non inflamed acne:SQUEEZING IS ABSOLUTELY THE WORST THING YOU CAN DO TO YOUR SKIN. THE WORST! Not picking or scratching. You can pick and scratch all you want. Squeezing is what causes DEEP and permanent tissue loss. I only wish I had the wisdom I had now 6 years ago. This is a nightmare.

My skin is jacked.... There is nobody on this entire forum who is in a worse situation than I am. I am absolutely certain of that. Unbelievable that this must be me.

Edited by tonyocr

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Tony, you don't look bad at all. I was much worse than you. You have lighter skin so Ablative Fractionalized CO2 may be right for you afterall. Being negative will destroy you.

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I wanted to say that I'm sorry to hear that, but not all scars are self-inflicted. Heck, all but 1 scar that I have on my face were a result of my skin itself screwing me over. I didn't pick or squeeze, but these cysts decided to stay lodged under my skin and left depressed scars.

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I wanted to say that I'm sorry to hear that, but not all scars are self-inflicted. Heck, all but 1 scar that I have on my face were a result of my skin itself screwing me over. I didn't pick or squeeze, but these cysts decided to stay lodged under my skin and left depressed scars.

Trust me mine HAVE to be self infliced because I never had inflamed cysts. Only tons of blackheads and whiteheads.

Tony, you don't look bad at all. I was much worse than you. You have lighter skin so Ablative Fractionalized CO2 may be right for you afterall. Being negative will destroy you.

I'm thinking of doin excision on perhaps 20 scars , iv got some really deep scars. After that I would do some kind of laser. I'm not sure which one yet but was thinking about the mixto co2 laser because its cheap in my area and I have heard good results from it. Money is really a gigantic issue here.

I'm also planning on dermarolling.

I'l show you a picture soon dudley. Its pretty bad scarring and DEFINATELY since I don't think I would have a single scar if I didn't squeeze those fuckers. The guilt is crushing me still.How could I be so stupid?

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My heart goes out to you and I feel your anguish, but I just want you to know you don't have to always feel like that. Yes, our scars exist but we don't have to think about them all the time. I think you would benefit from CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy).

I too feel crushing guilt for picking my skin and giving myself a big old hole in my nose. I beat myself up for "having perfect skin before I ruined it." It got really bad so all I would do is obsess about it 5-6 hours a day and not want to leave my house. After seeing a "bad reflection" of myself I would feel paralyzed, panicked and sick.

I go to a CBT therapist and we are working on this problem. I do mental exercises and exposure therapy and it really helps me not get sucked into an endless brain cycle of guilt, self blame and problem solving. I don't allow myself to stare into the mirror for hours or try to see how bad it can look in various reflective surfaces. I know it may sound corny but I say sort of like affirmations, like when I'm afraid someone is noticing my scar I say "I give you permission to notice my imperfections" and when my brain starts freaking out, I say something like "Thanks for telling me that," and I refuse to start following my freakout into "crazy land". I even use flash cards to desensitize myself to my scar.

It's hard to explain everything CBT is about here but trust me it's really helped me not make this scar the center of my life. I really struggle sometimes but CBT therapy helped me immensely.

Edited by PittyWoman

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Tony, the self blame game will do nothing for you now. If I hung onto bad decisions I made in my life I would probly be going insane. Forget what got you to this point and go on the attack. You're a good looking guy who is letting the past defeat you. People here will help you, because we are all in the same boat. I feel Shakespeare coming on again, but this is the perfect quote from Hamlet.

"To be, or not to be, that is the question:

Whether 'tis Nobler in the mind to suffer

The Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune,

Or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles,

And by opposing end them:"

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My heart goes out to you and I feel your anguish, but I just want you to know you don't have to always feel like that. Yes, our scars exist but we don't have to think about them all the time. I think you would benefit from CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy).

I too feel crushing guilt for picking my skin and giving myself a big old hole in my nose. I beat myself up for "having perfect skin before I ruined it." It got really bad so all I would do is obsess about it 5-6 hours a day and not want to leave my house. After seeing a "bad reflection" of myself I would feel paralyzed, panicked and sick.

I go to a CBT therapist and we are working on this problem. I do mental exercises and exposure therapy and it really helps me not get sucked into an endless brain cycle of guilt, self blame and problem solving. I don't allow myself to stare into the mirror for hours or try to see how bad it can look in various reflective surfaces. I know it may sound corny but I say sort of like affirmations, like when I'm afraid someone is noticing my scar I say "I give you permission to notice my imperfections" and when my brain starts freaking out, I say something like "Thanks for telling me that," and I refuse to start following my freakout into "crazy land". I even use flash cards to desensitize myself to my scar.

It's hard to explain everything CBT is about here but trust me it's really helped me not make this scar the center of my life. I really struggle sometimes but CBT therapy helped me immensely.

Well with me it goes much further than just one hole. I have hundreds of little holes and atleast 10big ones. Imagine that guilt.

And yeah Its really killing me because I don't think about it 6 hours a day but LITERALLY 24 hours a day. Constantly lookin in the mirror and almost throwing up of disgust.

Tony, the self blame game will do nothing for you now. If I hung onto bad decisions I made in my life I would probly be going insane. Forget what got you to this point and go on the attack. You're a good looking guy who is letting the past defeat you. People here will help you, because we are all in the same boat. I feel Shakespeare coming on again, but this is the perfect quote from Hamlet.

"To be, or not to be, that is the question:

Whether 'tis Nobler in the mind to suffer

The Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune,

Or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles,

And by opposing end them:"

Correction. I WAS goodlooking. Now I'm a monster.

What do you think about punch excisions? It really is my only hope my scars are too deep.

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Tony, you become what you think you are. Here is another great quote from Hannah More.

"Imagination frames events unknown, in wild fantastic shapes of hideous ruin, and what if fears, creates"

Most people have to read that many times to understand the meaning so I will give you a shortcut. You will create your own destiny. Have you ever been bowling and looked at a 10 pin spare and if you allow any doubt that you can knock down that lone pin enter your mind you will miss it for sure. Why do you think oppossing teams would call a time out before Shaq went to shoot a free throw. It was to give him time to think about missing the shot. Why do you think football teams call a timeout before a long field goal attempt? If you think of yourself as a monster you will become exactually what you fear the most. If you continue to sit on the Pity Pot long enough all that you want will run away from you, and you will have created just what you don't want.

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I know I just have one hole but trust me it's caused me a lot of grief.

But enough about me, it really does sound to me that you could benefit from CBT therapy. Just because you have scars doesn't mean you have to think about them 24 hours a day. It's just too much time to be suffering. I know it's hard to listen to anything but what your brain is telling you, but seriously, life doesn't have to suck so hard for anyone. Obsessive thoughts trick you into thinking they're the most important thing to think about.

This is a really good article on dealing with obsessive thoughts:

http://www.ocdonline...unthinkable.php

Eventually, I plan on treating my nose scar but first I'm trying not to be so obsessed with it. Anyway, I don't know you but HUGS! It will get better.

Edited by PittyWoman

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I know I just have one hole but trust me it caused me so much pain I could barely function. It caused my job to suffer and my marriage. Every time I got a little bit happy my brain would remind me "Don't forget, you ruined your face!" and I'd feel depressed and helpless. I know it sounds crazy to someone else.

But enough about me, it really does sound to me that you can benefit from CBT therapy. Just because you have scars doesn't mean you have to think about them 24 hours a day. It's just too much time to be suffering. I know it's hard to listen to anything but what your brain is telling you, but seriously, life doesn't have to suck so hard for anyone. Obsessive thoughts trick you into thinking they're the most important thing to think about.

This is a really good article on dealing with obsessive thoughts:

http://www.ocdonline...unthinkable.php

Eventually, I plan n treating my nose scar but first I'm trying not to be so obsessed with it. Anyway, I don't know you but HUGS! It will get better.

Uh I feel even worse now. I think I'm going to die .If I only had one hole that wuld be easy. Atleast then I'd know exactly where to focus on and what to do. When I look at my face the damage is just SO scattered and widespread I get panick attacks because I don't even know where to start with treating it. I mean even IF like 20 excisions work I will still need laser or something for the rest. I have done SO MUCH damage to my face I have truly ruined my face completely.

I just cant handle all of this . O my God what the hell have I done to myself.

I mean I have worse scarring than MANY people that have had terrible cystic acne and scarred on their own. I DID ALL OF THIS MYSELF!!

Edited by tonyocr

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