Jump to content
Acne.org
Search In
Find results that contain...
Find results in...
Lola Burns

I'm Just Going To Go Crawl Into A Dark Hole Now.

Recommended Posts

So my boyfriend has just walked in on me applying bp. And I am mortified. Seriously? This is a man that has seen me with horrible acne and no makeup. He's seen me get really unnecessarily freaked out about a spider that wasn't even there. He's seen me cry. He's seem me throw-up, stumbling, blackout drunk (more times than I would care to admit). He's seen me detox. He's met my family. And THIS is what embarrasses me? So now I feel stupid AND mortified.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

That's the thing. I don't really know. I just have that icky "caught" feeling. I guess because it's one thing for me to acknowledge that I have a flaw and take steps to correct it and it's another to have someone witness me acknowledging the flaw. Like before he saw that I didn't have acne, and now I do.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

please dont feel that way, theres NOTHING wrong with doing something better for yourself is there? i think you're overreacting, did he say anything that upset you? if not relax:)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

That's the thing. I don't really know. I just have that icky "caught" feeling. I guess because it's one thing for me to acknowledge that I have a flaw and take steps to correct it and it's another to have someone witness me acknowledging the flaw. Like before he saw that I didn't have acne, and now I do.

This is really sad :( I wish I could offer you some advice to help, but I don't know what exactly would work. It sucks when feelings refuse to follow reason, but that doesn't make them any less "legitimate" - sometimes feelings are just... feelings and you can't control them no matter how irrational they seem. Can you maybe go to your boyfriend and try to tell him this? "I know it doesn't make any sense, but you just caught me applying BP and now I feel really embarrassed even though I know you've seen me with terrible acne before." Maybe he'll know exactly what the right thing is to say, or at least give you a giant hug to make you feel better.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Lola,

if he's seen you through all those things, and he's been with you while your skin has been in various states, I'd be willing to bet he'd understand the situation. Maybe talking about it wouldn't be such a bad idea? I know the feeling, that you're being caught, you're acknowledging a problem, but it'll only have that affect on you if you see it that way. We all pursue bettering ourselves one way or another, from acne to fitness, but that doesn't make you any more of a flawed person than you would be if you had reached that goal. I'd venture to ask if you feel embarrassed because it's sort of a taboo? Do you think that it might bother you more than it would him?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Wow. You guys are really, really nice.

I know that if I just talked to him and explained that this is something I'm insecure about he would say something to the effect of "aww baby, you're beautiful" because that's the kind of guy he is. If I did open up to him, I could start dealing with this. But I don't think I'm ready for that, so I'll just talk to you guys.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Wow. You guys are really, really nice.

I know that if I just talked to him and explained that this is something I'm insecure about he would say something to the effect of "aww baby, you're beautiful" because that's the kind of guy he is. If I did open up to him, I could start dealing with this. But I don't think I'm ready for that, so I'll just talk to you guys.

We're happy to help! But just out of curiosity, why are you afraid to open up to your boyfriend - because you suspect he might not like what he finds?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Lola,

if he's seen you through all those things, and he's been with you while your skin has been in various states, I'd be willing to bet he'd understand the situation. Maybe talking about it wouldn't be such a bad idea? I know the feeling, that you're being caught, you're acknowledging a problem, but it'll only have that affect on you if you see it that way. We all pursue bettering ourselves one way or another, from acne to fitness, but that doesn't make you any more of a flawed person than you would be if you had reached that goal. I'd venture to ask if you feel embarrassed because it's sort of a taboo? Do you think that it might bother you more than it would him?

I do think a lot of it has to do with the stigma attached to acne. I'm in the beauty industry, that alone can really screw with you. But to be in this industry and (gasp!) have acne? And live in Los Angeles! It's a little rough. I don't know if it bothers him. He's in the beauty industry too and (obviously) also lives in Los Angeles, where drop dead gorgeous women are a dime a dozen.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Wow. You guys are really, really nice.

I know that if I just talked to him and explained that this is something I'm insecure about he would say something to the effect of "aww baby, you're beautiful" because that's the kind of guy he is. If I did open up to him, I could start dealing with this. But I don't think I'm ready for that, so I'll just talk to you guys.

We're happy to help! But just out of curiosity, why are you afraid to open up to your boyfriend - because you suspect he might not like what he finds?

Sort of. I have cultivated an image of someone that is emotionally indestructible. But he knows me better than that. He knows I'm human. What he doesn't know is that there is so much I hate about how I look. I don't really want to draw attention to any of those things by talking about it. Nor do I want to make him aware so that he won't make any well-meaning suggestions or comments that I could only find insulting. And not that he ever would, I don't want to give him any ammunition to use against me in a fight.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Wow. You guys are really, really nice.

I know that if I just talked to him and explained that this is something I'm insecure about he would say something to the effect of "aww baby, you're beautiful" because that's the kind of guy he is. If I did open up to him, I could start dealing with this. But I don't think I'm ready for that, so I'll just talk to you guys.

We're happy to help! But just out of curiosity, why are you afraid to open up to your boyfriend - because you suspect he might not like what he finds?

Sort of. I have cultivated an image of someone that is emotionally indestructible. But he knows me better than that. He knows I'm human. What he doesn't know is that there is so much I hate about how I look. I don't really want to draw attention to any of those things by talking about it. Nor do I want to make him aware so that he won't make any well-meaning suggestions or comments that I could only find insulting. And not that he ever would, I don't want to give him any ammunition to use against me in a fight.

Ahh, I see. Yeah, I can understand why it would seem like a daunting risk for you to make yourself that emotionally vulnerable to him :( Hopefully talking about it to us here will help you get more used to the idea of opening up (even to complete anon strangers over the internet) so that when you need to have this conversation with the boyfriend, you'll know how to do it better. Be easy on yourself and give it time - I think your boyfriend just wants you to feel comfortable and happy.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I know how that feels :(

I don't like to acknowledge that I'm taking accutane. Obviously, neither of us are denying that we have acne, or else we wouldn't be here, but I think that everybody would rather go about their days pretending that it doesn't exist, and isn't a problem that needs to be treated? I do feel exactly the same way though, even if it is illogical.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I fucking hate BP. I used to be a slave to it. Just the thought of it makes me want to puke. The thought of the cold and stinging liquid even dabbing one small zit on my face makes me shiver. Those fucking noxious fumes...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I would never let a guy I like see me without makeup, no guy should ever see my bare face, until the day I die.

Have you ever lived with one? Because that sounds... a little over zealous.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I would never let a guy I like see me without makeup, no guy should ever see my bare face, until the day I die.

Have you ever lived with one? Because that sounds... a little over zealous.

I've never had a real boyfriend/relationship but, if I did I would be too embarassed to let him ever see me w/o makeup, he would probably dump me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I would never let a guy I like see me without makeup, no guy should ever see my bare face, until the day I die.

i feel ya! i have a bf and i try to leave my makeup on until we def go to sleep. in the morning i always try to wake up before he does. it's just sad but i would be very uncomfortable if he saw my skin like that...

he has never said or done anything about my skin that hurt me or made me feel bad about it. he always says i'm pretty but it's hard for me to believe that he's serious...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I would never let a guy I like see me without makeup, no guy should ever see my bare face, until the day I die.

i feel ya! i have a bf and i try to leave my makeup on until we def go to sleep. in the morning i always try to wake up before he does. it's just sad but i would be very uncomfortable if he saw my skin like that...

he has never said or done anything about my skin that hurt me or made me feel bad about it. he always says i'm pretty but it's hard for me to believe that he's serious...

samee here, I can never believe a guy when he tells me I'm pretty. Most guys say they like girls without makeup but, they most likely just mean they want a girl to look natural. It's a hard world for a girl, always having to look pretty for a guy, it gets tiring.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I would never let a guy I like see me without makeup, no guy should ever see my bare face, until the day I die.

i feel ya! i have a bf and i try to leave my makeup on until we def go to sleep. in the morning i always try to wake up before he does. it's just sad but i would be very uncomfortable if he saw my skin like that...

he has never said or done anything about my skin that hurt me or made me feel bad about it. he always says i'm pretty but it's hard for me to believe that he's serious...

samee here, I can never believe a guy when he tells me I'm pretty. Most guys say they like girls without makeup but, they most likely just mean they want a girl to look natural. It's a hard world for a girl, always having to look pretty for a guy, it gets tiring.

One day you will meet someone that just "gets" you. And all pretense goes out the window. And he'll tell you you're pretty and you'll roll your eyes, but you'll believe him. ... Unless you live the rest of your life as a recluse, and I hope you choose not to.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I would never let a guy I like see me without makeup, no guy should ever see my bare face, until the day I die.

i feel ya! i have a bf and i try to leave my makeup on until we def go to sleep. in the morning i always try to wake up before he does. it's just sad but i would be very uncomfortable if he saw my skin like that...

he has never said or done anything about my skin that hurt me or made me feel bad about it. he always says i'm pretty but it's hard for me to believe that he's serious...

samee here, I can never believe a guy when he tells me I'm pretty. Most guys say they like girls without makeup but, they most likely just mean they want a girl to look natural. It's a hard world for a girl, always having to look pretty for a guy, it gets tiring.

One day you will meet someone that just "gets" you. And all pretense goes out the window. And he'll tell you you're pretty and you'll roll your eyes, but you'll believe him. ... Unless you live the rest of your life as a recluse, and I hope you choose not to.

I met a guy that fell in love with me, and he did see me without makeup (or very little)...he liked me for me but I just blew him off cuz I was depressed about my looks and didn't want to see him. I blew a lot of guys off in my life and I now regret it but I feel like I can't be seen unless I look perfect.

Theres currently one guy trying to hangout with me and I probably literally flaked on him like 20 times because of my skin. Having bad skin really makes me feel trapped...I'm trying to get clear within the next few years though. I don't want to live the rest of my life alone but I can't act normally socially unless my skin looks clear, or I'm wearing makeup...but I'm trying to not wear any makeup so my skin can clear.

I honestly try and avoid thinking about the future, the future scares me.

Edited by LiveLaughFart

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Wow. You guys are really, really nice.

I know that if I just talked to him and explained that this is something I'm insecure about he would say something to the effect of "aww baby, you're beautiful" because that's the kind of guy he is. If I did open up to him, I could start dealing with this. But I don't think I'm ready for that, so I'll just talk to you guys.

anytime, anyewhere....and for everything else theres mastercard:D

Edited by colostomus

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I would never let a guy I like see me without makeup, no guy should ever see my bare face, until the day I die.

i feel ya! i have a bf and i try to leave my makeup on until we def go to sleep. in the morning i always try to wake up before he does. it's just sad but i would be very uncomfortable if he saw my skin like that...

he has never said or done anything about my skin that hurt me or made me feel bad about it. he always says i'm pretty but it's hard for me to believe that he's serious...

samee here, I can never believe a guy when he tells me I'm pretty. Most guys say they like girls without makeup but, they most likely just mean they want a girl to look natural. It's a hard world for a girl, always having to look pretty for a guy, it gets tiring.

One day you will meet someone that just "gets" you. And all pretense goes out the window. And he'll tell you you're pretty and you'll roll your eyes, but you'll believe him. ... Unless you live the rest of your life as a recluse, and I hope you choose not to.

I met a guy that fell in love with me, and he did see me without makeup (or very little)...he liked me for me but I just blew him off cuz I was depressed about my looks and didn't want to see him. I blew a lot of guys off in my life and I now regret it but I feel like I can't be seen unless I look perfect.

Theres currently one guy trying to hangout with me and I probably literally flaked on him like 20 times because of my skin. Having bad skin really makes me feel trapped...I'm trying to get clear within the next few years though. I don't want to live the rest of my life alone but I can't act normally socially unless my skin looks clear, or I'm wearing makeup...but I'm trying to not wear any makeup so my skin can clear.

I honestly try and avoid thinking about the future, the future scares me.

I can understand. I had always felt so weird and unattractive. I remember once hanging out with a girlfriend, her boyfriend and his friends. And the boyfriend's friend were asking me questions about myself and trying to make polite conversation. I got it in my head that they were somehow mocking me. And they were like "we're just trying to get to know you, you're always so standoffish".( It had never crossed my mind that they were trying to be NICE to me. I found out years later that 2 of those boys had a thing for me.)

And then I started drinking. And it made me feel prettier, smarter, more charming. I could talk! I could flirt! I was free. Or so I thought. I spiraled out of control. It got to where I couldn't even go to work sober (because I work with the public). And I knew it no longer made me feel smart and pretty, quite the opposite. But I couldn't bear the horrid glaring light of sobriety.

Fear is destructive and can too easily be all consuming. My fear almost killed me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I would never let a guy I like see me without makeup, no guy should ever see my bare face, until the day I die.

i feel ya! i have a bf and i try to leave my makeup on until we def go to sleep. in the morning i always try to wake up before he does. it's just sad but i would be very uncomfortable if he saw my skin like that...

he has never said or done anything about my skin that hurt me or made me feel bad about it. he always says i'm pretty but it's hard for me to believe that he's serious...

samee here, I can never believe a guy when he tells me I'm pretty. Most guys say they like girls without makeup but, they most likely just mean they want a girl to look natural. It's a hard world for a girl, always having to look pretty for a guy, it gets tiring.

One day you will meet someone that just "gets" you. And all pretense goes out the window. And he'll tell you you're pretty and you'll roll your eyes, but you'll believe him. ... Unless you live the rest of your life as a recluse, and I hope you choose not to.

I met a guy that fell in love with me, and he did see me without makeup (or very little)...he liked me for me but I just blew him off cuz I was depressed about my looks and didn't want to see him. I blew a lot of guys off in my life and I now regret it but I feel like I can't be seen unless I look perfect.

Theres currently one guy trying to hangout with me and I probably literally flaked on him like 20 times because of my skin. Having bad skin really makes me feel trapped...I'm trying to get clear within the next few years though. I don't want to live the rest of my life alone but I can't act normally socially unless my skin looks clear, or I'm wearing makeup...but I'm trying to not wear any makeup so my skin can clear.

I honestly try and avoid thinking about the future, the future scares me.

I can understand. I had always felt so weird and unattractive. I remember once hanging out with a girlfriend, her boyfriend and his friends. And the boyfriend's friend were asking me questions about myself and trying to make polite conversation. I got it in my head that they were somehow mocking me. And they were like "we're just trying to get to know you, you're always so standoffish".( It had never crossed my mind that they were trying to be NICE to me. I found out years later that 2 of those boys had a thing for me.)

And then I started drinking. And it made me feel prettier, smarter, more charming. I could talk! I could flirt! I was free. Or so I thought. I spiraled out of control. It got to where I couldn't even go to work sober (because I work with the public). And I knew it no longer made me feel smart and pretty, quite the opposite. But I couldn't bear the horrid glaring light of sobriety.

Fear is destructive and can too easily be all consuming. My fear almost killed me.

I can feel it even though I dont drink alcohol just for the pure vanity reason that it will cause me to age faster. But i have drank alcohol before and it makes you just forget about all your problems. Its extremely tempting to drink, I honestly wish i could be in the "tipsy" state of mind for the rest of my life but, my brain is just not wired that way, and I know its a bad path to take.

Everytime a guy talks to me I just think "oh, he's just really bored and thats why hes talking to me", i could never actually see a guy wanting to get to know me and interested in me, I just automatically act like no guy in this world can possibly be interested in me because of the way that I look.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


  • Personalized Advice Quiz - All of Acne.org in just a few minutes

×